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June 27, 2016:
I was really beating myself up about Ivan, so I went over to Vadim’s camp. Basil stopped in shortly after. I began to vent to her how I think I fucked up with Ivan and mistakesn love for lust. Then, Basil gave me some life-changing advice to stop me from going down a rabbit hole of thoughts! She told me I was looking at it from a very negative standpoint and that every single person I met was teaching me a lesson that I needed to learn.
She said, “Don’t just never talk to someone again just because you don’t vibe at all. You need to stay with what you’re feeling and allow yourself to learn something. For all you know, you’re playing a huge role in Ivan’s life right now. You could be teaching him love—something he may be unfamiliar with.”
As soon as she said that, something in my heart just clicked. When she left, I did some reflecting. I asked myself, Why do I keep attracting these guys that have so many problems and that are difficult to love? Why is this pattern happening? Minutes later, I had an ‘aha’ moment. I figured it out! The answer was there all along, but I wasn’t consciously aware of it. The reason I kept attracting these men was because I loved unraveling a person. I loved the challenge of fully opening someone up and that was the reason I kept jumping from guy to guy. As soon as I unraveled them and taught them how to love, then my job felt like it was done. I felt replenished and I was able to move onto the next one. That was the cycle. It wasn’t necessarily that I got bored of being with a guy, it was as if once I helped them discover their true self, which was love, then I knew they didn’t need me anymore. They were then completely capable of loving me and anyone else without attachment!