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July 2-3, 2016:
Today, I went on an adventure with Kyle, Ivan, Olivija, Mark and myself. I took Saint Pedro and we went to a beach to check out some dolphins. We didn’t see any, but went swimming anyway. The sand felt like a soft blanket beneath my feet. Then, we drove to another beach more for the locals. This is when the Saint Pedro began to kick in. I started to experience some intense things.
A couple of days ago, Ivan and I were playing around in bed and he goes, “You have a sex addiction.”
I immediately got defensive and said, “No I don’t.”
He reassured me it was okay to enjoy feeling so strongly. I said “okay” just to drop the subject, but still had an uneasy feeling. I remembered how a few people had told me that.
When we were at the beach, Ivan could tell I was going through some things in my mind. I told him how there were some things that I was scared to bring up. He gave a little smile and told me we could go on a walk along the shore and talk about it if I wanted to. I took him up on the offer.
“Is it bad that I sexualize everything?” I asked.
“No, it’s not bad,” he said, “you shouldn’t be ashamed that you’re proud of your body and who you are.”
“Then why do I feel guilty?” I pondered out loud.
“Is there something that happened in your past that is bringing up these feelings now?” he asked.
Our conversation got cut off because Kyle approached us. I stayed pretty quiet the rest of the day. I was doing a lot of pondering and contemplating.
Next, we went to see a lava tube! We were trying to sneak in, but had trouble finding it. Then, we saw three big signs that read: NO CAVE ENTRY ALLOWED IN. Obviously, we ignored that and went in.
It was dope. I had never seen anything like it. It reminded me of that Volcano movie. The energy there was so powerful.
Pure magic.
We chilled there for a bit. Simple moments like that were what I lived for. We had a perfect view of the ocean.
After, we went to get food and then we made our way up to Mauna Kea. We waited three hours for the sun to set. All of us started getting really nauseous and lightheaded because of the altitude. We were up 14,000’! I ended up throwing up so we started to make our way down.
During the car ride home, Ivan began to open up to me. He wrote me a note that read:
I am boundless. Fear isn’t natural. I’m afraid of becoming my father. And I shouldn’t be. He’s psychotic. I’m afraid my brother might be, too. But I shouldn’t be afraid of that. He’s kind hearted and I know that to be true. But my father is guilty and he can’t acknowledge it, even to his own sons. He tried murdering my mother and I’m suspecting it’s something I needed to know. I spent 24 hours in jail to experience what he felt and I know his fear. He abused his power by holding it over the heads of others. Tricking and weaseling his way out of things. He was a liar, and I am honest. I try to be the polar opposite of his nature. But I have his good qualities. I’m attracted to pain by nature because I was the mediator of my family. I tried to keep them together and always tried to keep the peace. I’ve terrorized and been terrified. I forgave him a while ago. I just won’t forget it. It was a lesson on family and what morality is. And what my own morals are. And how I feel about power. You must be responsible. And self managing is a lesson we learn throughout life. My essence is wonder. And my curiosity is endless.
He asked me what I thought of love and what it meant to me. We helped each other grow in so many ways. It was balanced out. I taught him how people were reflections of himself. He thanked me for the teaching and he taught me that it was okay to feel things. I needed to be reminded of that.
So, Ivan and I decided that we were moving into Vadim‘s camp the following morning, so we started to clean everything out. We got new sheets for the mattress, swept the spiderwebs out and cleaned the dishes. It felt as if we were truly a married couple.
We laid in bed and began talking. I opened up to him about attachment. I was so proud of myself for telling him my biggest weakness. I was grateful that he didn’t judge. He supported my journey and helped guide me.
He said, “Hey, let’s not leave each other. I’ll be with you and you’ll be with me. Promise we won’t leave each other.”
“I don’t make promises,” I said as I offered him my pinky and continued, “but I know we won’t ever leave each other since we’re all connected.”
So then we made love. He made me feel so warm. He made me feel so comfortable and confident in bed. I wasn’t afraid to express myself. I looked at sex as an adventure with him.
After we were done making love, he says, “Let’s travel the world together.”
“Okay,” I said, adding that I was “dead serious.”
He said he was, too.
“We’ll go to Machu Picchu in Peru,” he said joyously.
“Even Malaysia!” I exclaimed as I kissed him and told him I loved him.
The journey with him was so unexpected. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.