July 8, 2016:
Tara, Olivija and I decided to take Saint Pedro and go on an adventure to the mermaid ponds with Kyle, Ivan, Rowan, Pine and Buzz. It was bomb. I really appreciated those moments—living life simply and just being with one another. Buzz even brought his guitar, man! I was so grateful for that.
So, we were all walking to the mermaid ponds walking through the mud barefoot.
Rowan goes, “It’s like chocolate brownies!”
Her saying that completely changed my perspective on the experience. It made everything that much better.
Ivan laughed and said, “Just don’t eat it. It could be whatever you want it to be, just don’t eat it.”
I played along with my imagination and said, “It’s like a slip and slide!”
A second later, Ivan slipped and fell on his butt and all of us roared with laughter!
Ivan yelled, “Goddammit! You manifested that!”
I was laughing so hard that I pissed myself. I loved how I could talk about spiritual stuff like that. Everyone was so conscious here, unlike the people in Chicago. The majority of people in the Midwest didn’t even know what the word manifesting meant.
When we got to the mermaid ponds, Olivija, Rowan and I got naked and jumped in. I felt so at home. Then, we climbed up the lava rocks to go stand on the arc. I didn’t know what happened, but I was brought somewhere else. I felt like God watching those waves. I could feel the energy, the strength and the consciousness in every atom. As I was standing naked on the mountain of lava rocks, Buzz was behind me playing Pink Floyd. You bet your ass I was brought to another fucking dimension. If I had taken a couple more spoons of Saint Pedro, I would’ve jumped off that cliff. Afterwards, we all went to chill in a crater of lava while we drank some coconuts that Pine had picked. I kept having realizations that problems didn’t exist. We were the creators of our own reality. Yet, I still realized I had some random insecurities that came up when I was with Ivan.
Later on in the night, I told Ivan I was going to be at Vadim’s camp. I just wanted him to come so he could make love with me. The longer he didn’t show up, the lonelier I began to feel. Sometimes, I felt as though I was depending on him for my sense of happiness which I knew was a logical fallacy. I was going to start making a conscious effort to find that comfort within myself. Starting now.
I knew everything I was looking for was already inside of me. It was time to stop running away. I started to catch on that sex was a huge part of my life. At this point, I didn’t know if I was lying to myself.
Am I having sex because I honestly feel like that’s the greatest way to connect with someone and experience infinite love or am I doing it with an ulterior motive?
Am I looking to feel comfort in the places where I’m still working on myself?
Because I’ve been noticing a pattern. I noticed that I loved attention, especially when people pointed out how sexual I was. It was like an adrenaline rush. I noticed I would crave sex as soon as someone gave me any kind of attention, but I didn’t feel like it was something I could really grasp onto. While I was in the act of having sex, I would feel turned on by the idea that they were turned on by me. I would get the attention I was craving, and for a moment I would feel satisfied, but then the emptiness would set in.
Who am I without trying to impress people?
Who am I without being so sexual?
Who am I without all the attention?
The first thing that popped into my head was ‘nothing’ and ‘nobody.’