September 19 2016:
I decided to drop some acid at 7:30 in the morning and Ivan and I spent the whole day together. We got a ride all the way to Maku’u market, got fruits, veggies and some vegan lilikoi cookies! Then we headed to Pahoa town. I got us a beet smoothie and some gummy worms because I told him the gummies bring you to a new dimension when you’re tripping.
From there, we headed to Secrets Beach. It was funny because we were both stupid high around people. We couldn’t hold a normal conversation, but when we were with each other, it was second nature. This is the first boyfriend I had that actually felt like my best friend.
So we got to the beach and found a nice spot underneath the palm trees. I kept having the realization that I was not my body. As we were laying down, I began to pour sand on his arm. I said his arm was the sand and the rocks were tall volcanic boulders. I smiled because I remembered having that childlike imagination when I was very young. I began building a palace from there. I found random trash on the beach and made it into art. I used the trash as furniture, then made a throne and placed a gummy worm on it. I chewed off a part of the gummy worm’s back so he would be able to sit up straight.
Then, I collected pieces of unblossomed fruit flowers and began to make a fence.
I claimed it to be a candy corn fence and then Ivan said, “Or they could be traffic cones!”
He got excited with me because he knew my obsession for traffic cones.
He started laughing and said, “It looks like a crime scene just happened! It looks like the worm committed suicide, and now the police are coming! I could hear the sirens!”
I busted out laughing with him, then ate them.
Ivan goes, “You just killed his family!”
I got super serious and said, “Don’t tell the police.”
He lost it laughing and said, “I think I have peaked. This is why I love you. You are the coolest girlfriend I have ever had. You just trampled over all my past girlfriends. I have truly peaked. I am living in Hawaii, laying naked on the Secrets Beach with you. Speechless.”
And then our eyes locked and I said, “Whooooahh. I can see the entire Universe.”
I saw a bunch of sacred geometry then felt an explosion of love. Do you know what I found really interesting? I was paying attention to the color of his eyes around his pupil, but as soon as I looked directly into his pupil, everything intensified x100 just by gazing into the black circle. I wonder why that is?
You know, although Ivan doesn’t see it in himself sometimes, I do. I see it for him. I see the love. The light. The happiness! I see all the potential in him, because he IS whole. I am not accepting any illusions that he may be accepting. They are irrelevant.
I decided to drop some acid at 7:30 in the morning and Ivan and I spent the whole day together. We got a ride all the way to Maku’u market, got fruits, veggies and some vegan lilikoi cookies! Then we headed to Pahoa town. I got us a beet smoothie and some gummy worms because I told him the gummies bring you to a new dimension when you’re tripping.
From there, we headed to Secrets Beach. It was funny because we were both stupid high around people. We couldn’t hold a normal conversation, but when we were with each other, it was second nature. This is the first boyfriend I had that actually felt like my best friend.
So we got to the beach and found a nice spot underneath the palm trees. I kept having the realization that I was not my body. As we were laying down, I began to pour sand on his arm. I said his arm was the sand and the rocks were tall volcanic boulders. I smiled because I remembered having that childlike imagination when I was very young. I began building a palace from there. I found random trash on the beach and made it into art. I used the trash as furniture, then made a throne and placed a gummy worm on it. I chewed off a part of the gummy worm’s back so he would be able to sit up straight.
Then, I collected pieces of unblossomed fruit flowers and began to make a fence.
I claimed it to be a candy corn fence and then Ivan said, “Or they could be traffic cones!”
He got excited with me because he knew my obsession for traffic cones.
He started laughing and said, “It looks like a crime scene just happened! It looks like the worm committed suicide, and now the police are coming! I could hear the sirens!”
I busted out laughing with him, then ate them.
Ivan goes, “You just killed his family!”
I got super serious and said, “Don’t tell the police.”
He lost it laughing and said, “I think I have peaked. This is why I love you. You are the coolest girlfriend I have ever had. You just trampled over all my past girlfriends. I have truly peaked. I am living in Hawaii, laying naked on the Secrets Beach with you. Speechless.”
And then our eyes locked and I said, “Whooooahh. I can see the entire Universe.”
I saw a bunch of sacred geometry then felt an explosion of love. Do you know what I found really interesting? I was paying attention to the color of his eyes around his pupil, but as soon as I looked directly into his pupil, everything intensified x100 just by gazing into the black circle. I wonder why that is?
You know, although Ivan doesn’t see it in himself sometimes, I do. I see it for him. I see the love. The light. The happiness! I see all the potential in him, because he IS whole. I am not accepting any illusions that he may be accepting. They are irrelevant.
I also want to say that I am proud of myself for making choices to change. For instance, I’ve noticed I sometimes make the same mistakes with Ivan, such as trying to make him jealous for the tension. And it doesn’t feel good… So, when I fuck up, I forgive myself, let it go, and shift my thoughts rather than wallow in regret because drowning in the past won’t change anything. I can’t change what happened in the past, whether it was a minute ago or a week ago. It is in the past, period. I choose to change NOW in this moment. Not in an hour, not tomorrow, but NOW.