December 2, 2016:
Thursday, I was at Cinderland and Zion Knox happened to be there, so I sat behind him, embraced him, massaged him. I thought I was going to have sex with him. I only stayed for a bit because I made plans to go to the warm ponds with Lucas.
I asked Zion if he was going to stay and he said, “Possibly.”
I walked down Cinder Road and then got into Lucas’s car.
When we got to the warm ponds he said, “I don’t think I’m going swimming, I didn’t bring swim trunks.”
I smiled, looked in his eyes and said, “You’re cute. We’re going naked!”
When we got there, I took all my clothes off, and he followed. I was so proud of him because he said he never did stuff like that.
We swam around together, but the water was FREEZING! It was cute because he was shivering nonstop. We quickly went back to his car to warm up. Then we made our way to Pohoiki. We walked on the pier, then sat on it and listened to the waves. He had raw chocolate, dried mangoes, and cashews–perfect snacks. I laid down on his lap. Once I saw the stars come out, everything else ceased to exist.
Zero problems, zero worries.
I felt so inspired. All I could feel was God and then I started babbling about love. We made it back to his car and listened to Nahko. Then, he drove me back to Cinderland. He kissed me a couple of times when he dropped me off.
I checked my phone and it said that “Hubby” messaged me. It’s Daniel’s number. We got fake married and often joked about being husband and wife. We even made it FB official. I got super stoked because for a moment I thought it was Ivan. I had been calling and texting him every day but he did not respond at all, so when I thought it might be him I excitedly began to call back. Then I realized it was Daniel’s number. By the time he answered it was too late, so I casually picked up a conversation. I felt momentarily sad because I realized Daniel was keeping more in touch with me and seeing me more often than my own boyfriend.
Anyways, I got back and went to my bunk. I heard someone quietly come into Zen Den and immediately felt it was Zion. I was right. I got out and sat with him, enjoying his company. More people came in, then Zion started talking about BDSM and how it’s a big fetish for him. I was getting so riled up.
I looked over at Emmett and bit my knuckle and mouthed the words, “Oh my God.”
So, I invited him into my bunk. We began kissing, and one thing led to another. He ate me out and it was as if he’d been missing my taste his whole life. He proceeded to tell me that I tasted like gold. Then he started incorporating his fetish on me. We had “safe words.” He laid me on his lap and began to spank me. How it turned me on, I will never know nor understand, but I just rolled with it.
Then I got on top and we began to make love. It was a dream come true. It was a perfect balance of going hard then slow/gentle. I don’t know what the fuck got into me, but he brought out an animalistic side of me. He began growling, then I growled and purred like a cat. He loved it. He annihilated my pussy. It was cool because Emmett and his girl were having sex at the same time. Elan was upstairs gently playing his ukulele.
Zion even did some sort of thing where he put his finger in my vagina while he was inside me. I can’t even put in words what that made me feel like. It was otherworldly. I kept reminding myself that we were just exploring and having an adventure. As soon as I remembered that this was a place of only love and not to act like a porn star, all the senses became more enhanced. The energy lifted. I appreciated him.
The way he looked at me.
The way he felt my body, really felt it.
The way he treated me.
I wonder why it’s easier to hold eye contact with certain guys rather than Ivan.
Anyways, after he came, we hugged each other, in love with all the sweat and our hippie pheromones.
I laughed and said, “I love you so much.”
He laughed and said, “I love you so much as well, sister.”
We talked about the power of love as we cuddled. He told me how he remembers the first day he saw me. It was the first day he came to the island three months ago. He saw me walking in Pahoa town and was like who’s that girl?! Then he saw me at Cinderland and started coming by every day. He told me how nervous he was approaching me at Krishna pizza and apologized if he ever became quiet or began to stutter around me because I made him feel nervous.
I smiled and said, “That’s the cutest thing ever.”
I fell in love with the way he talked about love with me. I loved his vibe.
So, we cuddled ourselves to sleep. He’s also on a very similar journey as I am. He told me how I hold a lot of power and energy in my hair and I told him how a few people told me that.
“But don’t let that get to your ego,” he said.
He reminded me to be humble and later that night we discussed attachments.
He said, “I’m letting go of the attachment to my body.”
“I’ve been doing the same thing,” I said.
I woke up in the morning and Zion told me how the previous day after I left the warm ponds, Big Jack came up to him and said, “You need to take care of her and take her to the airport.”
Zion said, “I don’t have a car, brother.”
He told him to figure it out and he just left. I took a breath, smiled and told him not to worry about it and that I would figure it out.
After about an hour, I began thinking about Ivan and my thoughts started getting to me. I thought to myself, I’m leaving today, and he STILL has not contacted me.
My breathing grew rapid as I began to overthink.
He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love me.
Then I began to overreact about how I was getting to the airport and how I was getting money for my baggage claim. I knew everything would unfold if I would just relax into the now, but I just wanted to blame and attack.
The rest of the day consisted of crying. I just wanted someone to hold me. The entire community was there for me. Bridget and Joy took care of me, then Elan played his ukulele for me. I went to Middle Earth and sat beside Shai.
“Are you worried about how you’re going to get money for your baggage?” he asked, “and get to the airport?”
I nodded and I put my hands to my head and started crying again. He offered me $15 and I don’t know what got into me, but I found it really difficult to receive. I felt like a burden asking people for things. I went to Sky and asked her if I could please get a ride to Hilo and she said she really didn’t want to go because it had been raining non stop and how she really wanted to stay home. My eyes were on fire at this point. I just felt so needy. Then Maya came by. It felt like each person that showed me affection, I just lost it. On top of that, I was just having a difficult time leaving Cinderland. I know it’s only for five weeks. It’s just I felt at home and these people are my family.
I decided to go practice my ACIM lesson.
As I was meditating, Ivan called and casually said, “I just wanted to say I love you.”
“Have you been ignoring me?” I asked, “because I’ve tried contacting you several times.”
He said he didn’t get any of my messages/calls then said, “You’re leaving today, how’s your day been?”
I had trouble talking because in my mind I was thinking, So, you’re calling me now? The day I leave, but choose to ignore me the rest of the week?
I told him I had a rough day, then he quickly cut the conversation off and said he’d contact me later. He said, “Love you, bye.”
Just the way he said it felt… empty.
I went back into my bed and cried. I got up and walked towards the fire in the community kitchen. Michael Hayes was there, slowly breathing. The rain was beating against the tarp and the cinder… the soft, warm fire… it all brought me back to the present moment, and I felt God again.
I apologized to Michael for telling Cassia about Tacy.
“It’s okay, “ he said, “I wasn’t trying to hide anything.”
I stayed by the fire for hours. It was calling me. I told Michael I really appreciate him and eventually went back to my bunk. Ivan messaged me saying how he was listening to Pink Floyd. Seeing his name was the last thing I wanted in my mind because I spiraled back into my thoughts. I began whimpering, craving that human connection. I found myself walking to Michael’s camp and he was right there standing by his doorstep.
I ran into his arms and began sobbing. I didn’t want to hug him, I just wanted to be held. Cradled by his arms, he crushed me softly and reminded me of love over and over and over again. I’m so grateful for people who remember the truth and are there to remind me when I have forgotten. Those are the people I call Angels.
I said, “I’m scared to communicate clearly with Ivan and let him know directly what I look for in a relationship.”
We began to talk about sex and he brought up how we need to transcend our animalistic desires.
“Okay, you say this,” I said, “but you did have sex with Tacy.”
“No I didn’t,” he said, “don’t make assumptions.”
Then he laughed.
“What, what do you mean?!” I exclaimed.
And then I heard the Universe speaking.
He said, “I didn’t have sex with any of the girls that I have been here with. I want to evolve beyond the senses. Evolve. You see, we’re all animals, but we’re not growing, we’re not evolving when we just have sex like rabbits with each person we meet. You see, when you don’t give into the desires/cravings of your senses, THAT’S when you begin to tap into your higher Self.”
That blew my mind, dude. I really resonated with that. Then, we got on the topic of manipulation and he said how girls hold a lot of power over guys. They’re really good at manipulating to get what they want.
“For instance,” he said, “girls come up to me and ask if I could climb a tree and get them some coconuts. You see, you’re either empowering or enabling someone. We are all equal. You will only be happy if you learn how to be fully sustainable on your own. Yes, I know we live in a community but you can either help empower or enable someone.”
Then he called me out on how I even manipulate guys and reminded me of humility again.
He said, “You’re more than just a pretty face. There are deeper layers of you.”
So then Daniel surprise visited me! I sat with him by the fire, and then all these people came. I gave all the guys a group hug, and there was a big bonfire. I told the girl, Abigail, giving me a ride that I’d be in the car. It was too painful to be in a space of so much love. Michael hugged me and reminded me to stay with the love and peace. He told me over and over again.
I got into Kristin‘s car and Ivan called me about 10 times. I told him I didn’t want to talk and then I tried getting ahold of him but I just wasn’t in the right state of mind. He flipped. He wrote a text SCREAMING at me, saying it was out of his control.
At the end he wrote, “Woman. This is ridiculous. Enjoy.”
And that was not the response I was needing. I was calling out for love and just wanted him to remind me who I was. So I began to sob again and Abigail embraced me. Then, the airline lady was helping me print out my boarding pass and her simply helping me brought tears to my eyes. I had a wonderful nap on the plane ride, so that’s a plus. And I am grateful I get to see my family. Life is what you make of it. The choice is forever yours and sometimes we forget that and the Angels are here to remind me.
Thursday, I was at Cinderland and Zion Knox happened to be there, so I sat behind him, embraced him, massaged him. I thought I was going to have sex with him. I only stayed for a bit because I made plans to go to the warm ponds with Lucas.
I asked Zion if he was going to stay and he said, “Possibly.”
I walked down Cinder Road and then got into Lucas’s car.
When we got to the warm ponds he said, “I don’t think I’m going swimming, I didn’t bring swim trunks.”
I smiled, looked in his eyes and said, “You’re cute. We’re going naked!”
When we got there, I took all my clothes off, and he followed. I was so proud of him because he said he never did stuff like that.
We swam around together, but the water was FREEZING! It was cute because he was shivering nonstop. We quickly went back to his car to warm up. Then we made our way to Pohoiki. We walked on the pier, then sat on it and listened to the waves. He had raw chocolate, dried mangoes, and cashews–perfect snacks. I laid down on his lap. Once I saw the stars come out, everything else ceased to exist.
Zero problems, zero worries.
I felt so inspired. All I could feel was God and then I started babbling about love. We made it back to his car and listened to Nahko. Then, he drove me back to Cinderland. He kissed me a couple of times when he dropped me off.
I checked my phone and it said that “Hubby” messaged me. It’s Daniel’s number. We got fake married and often joked about being husband and wife. We even made it FB official. I got super stoked because for a moment I thought it was Ivan. I had been calling and texting him every day but he did not respond at all, so when I thought it might be him I excitedly began to call back. Then I realized it was Daniel’s number. By the time he answered it was too late, so I casually picked up a conversation. I felt momentarily sad because I realized Daniel was keeping more in touch with me and seeing me more often than my own boyfriend.
Anyways, I got back and went to my bunk. I heard someone quietly come into Zen Den and immediately felt it was Zion. I was right. I got out and sat with him, enjoying his company. More people came in, then Zion started talking about BDSM and how it’s a big fetish for him. I was getting so riled up.
I looked over at Emmett and bit my knuckle and mouthed the words, “Oh my God.”
So, I invited him into my bunk. We began kissing, and one thing led to another. He ate me out and it was as if he’d been missing my taste his whole life. He proceeded to tell me that I tasted like gold. Then he started incorporating his fetish on me. We had “safe words.” He laid me on his lap and began to spank me. How it turned me on, I will never know nor understand, but I just rolled with it.
Then I got on top and we began to make love. It was a dream come true. It was a perfect balance of going hard then slow/gentle. I don’t know what the fuck got into me, but he brought out an animalistic side of me. He began growling, then I growled and purred like a cat. He loved it. He annihilated my pussy. It was cool because Emmett and his girl were having sex at the same time. Elan was upstairs gently playing his ukulele.
Zion even did some sort of thing where he put his finger in my vagina while he was inside me. I can’t even put in words what that made me feel like. It was otherworldly. I kept reminding myself that we were just exploring and having an adventure. As soon as I remembered that this was a place of only love and not to act like a porn star, all the senses became more enhanced. The energy lifted. I appreciated him.
The way he looked at me.
The way he felt my body, really felt it.
The way he treated me.
I wonder why it’s easier to hold eye contact with certain guys rather than Ivan.
Anyways, after he came, we hugged each other, in love with all the sweat and our hippie pheromones.
I laughed and said, “I love you so much.”
He laughed and said, “I love you so much as well, sister.”
We talked about the power of love as we cuddled. He told me how he remembers the first day he saw me. It was the first day he came to the island three months ago. He saw me walking in Pahoa town and was like who’s that girl?! Then he saw me at Cinderland and started coming by every day. He told me how nervous he was approaching me at Krishna pizza and apologized if he ever became quiet or began to stutter around me because I made him feel nervous.
I smiled and said, “That’s the cutest thing ever.”
I fell in love with the way he talked about love with me. I loved his vibe.
So, we cuddled ourselves to sleep. He’s also on a very similar journey as I am. He told me how I hold a lot of power and energy in my hair and I told him how a few people told me that.
“But don’t let that get to your ego,” he said.
He reminded me to be humble and later that night we discussed attachments.
He said, “I’m letting go of the attachment to my body.”
“I’ve been doing the same thing,” I said.
I woke up in the morning and Zion told me how the previous day after I left the warm ponds, Big Jack came up to him and said, “You need to take care of her and take her to the airport.”
Zion said, “I don’t have a car, brother.”
He told him to figure it out and he just left. I took a breath, smiled and told him not to worry about it and that I would figure it out.
After about an hour, I began thinking about Ivan and my thoughts started getting to me. I thought to myself, I’m leaving today, and he STILL has not contacted me.
My breathing grew rapid as I began to overthink.
He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love me.
Then I began to overreact about how I was getting to the airport and how I was getting money for my baggage claim. I knew everything would unfold if I would just relax into the now, but I just wanted to blame and attack.
The rest of the day consisted of crying. I just wanted someone to hold me. The entire community was there for me. Bridget and Joy took care of me, then Elan played his ukulele for me. I went to Middle Earth and sat beside Shai.
“Are you worried about how you’re going to get money for your baggage?” he asked, “and get to the airport?”
I nodded and I put my hands to my head and started crying again. He offered me $15 and I don’t know what got into me, but I found it really difficult to receive. I felt like a burden asking people for things. I went to Sky and asked her if I could please get a ride to Hilo and she said she really didn’t want to go because it had been raining non stop and how she really wanted to stay home. My eyes were on fire at this point. I just felt so needy. Then Maya came by. It felt like each person that showed me affection, I just lost it. On top of that, I was just having a difficult time leaving Cinderland. I know it’s only for five weeks. It’s just I felt at home and these people are my family.
I decided to go practice my ACIM lesson.
As I was meditating, Ivan called and casually said, “I just wanted to say I love you.”
“Have you been ignoring me?” I asked, “because I’ve tried contacting you several times.”
He said he didn’t get any of my messages/calls then said, “You’re leaving today, how’s your day been?”
I had trouble talking because in my mind I was thinking, So, you’re calling me now? The day I leave, but choose to ignore me the rest of the week?
I told him I had a rough day, then he quickly cut the conversation off and said he’d contact me later. He said, “Love you, bye.”
Just the way he said it felt… empty.
I went back into my bed and cried. I got up and walked towards the fire in the community kitchen. Michael Hayes was there, slowly breathing. The rain was beating against the tarp and the cinder… the soft, warm fire… it all brought me back to the present moment, and I felt God again.
I apologized to Michael for telling Cassia about Tacy.
“It’s okay, “ he said, “I wasn’t trying to hide anything.”
I stayed by the fire for hours. It was calling me. I told Michael I really appreciate him and eventually went back to my bunk. Ivan messaged me saying how he was listening to Pink Floyd. Seeing his name was the last thing I wanted in my mind because I spiraled back into my thoughts. I began whimpering, craving that human connection. I found myself walking to Michael’s camp and he was right there standing by his doorstep.
I ran into his arms and began sobbing. I didn’t want to hug him, I just wanted to be held. Cradled by his arms, he crushed me softly and reminded me of love over and over and over again. I’m so grateful for people who remember the truth and are there to remind me when I have forgotten. Those are the people I call Angels.
I said, “I’m scared to communicate clearly with Ivan and let him know directly what I look for in a relationship.”
We began to talk about sex and he brought up how we need to transcend our animalistic desires.
“Okay, you say this,” I said, “but you did have sex with Tacy.”
“No I didn’t,” he said, “don’t make assumptions.”
Then he laughed.
“What, what do you mean?!” I exclaimed.
And then I heard the Universe speaking.
He said, “I didn’t have sex with any of the girls that I have been here with. I want to evolve beyond the senses. Evolve. You see, we’re all animals, but we’re not growing, we’re not evolving when we just have sex like rabbits with each person we meet. You see, when you don’t give into the desires/cravings of your senses, THAT’S when you begin to tap into your higher Self.”
That blew my mind, dude. I really resonated with that. Then, we got on the topic of manipulation and he said how girls hold a lot of power over guys. They’re really good at manipulating to get what they want.
“For instance,” he said, “girls come up to me and ask if I could climb a tree and get them some coconuts. You see, you’re either empowering or enabling someone. We are all equal. You will only be happy if you learn how to be fully sustainable on your own. Yes, I know we live in a community but you can either help empower or enable someone.”
Then he called me out on how I even manipulate guys and reminded me of humility again.
He said, “You’re more than just a pretty face. There are deeper layers of you.”
So then Daniel surprise visited me! I sat with him by the fire, and then all these people came. I gave all the guys a group hug, and there was a big bonfire. I told the girl, Abigail, giving me a ride that I’d be in the car. It was too painful to be in a space of so much love. Michael hugged me and reminded me to stay with the love and peace. He told me over and over again.
I got into Kristin‘s car and Ivan called me about 10 times. I told him I didn’t want to talk and then I tried getting ahold of him but I just wasn’t in the right state of mind. He flipped. He wrote a text SCREAMING at me, saying it was out of his control.
At the end he wrote, “Woman. This is ridiculous. Enjoy.”
And that was not the response I was needing. I was calling out for love and just wanted him to remind me who I was. So I began to sob again and Abigail embraced me. Then, the airline lady was helping me print out my boarding pass and her simply helping me brought tears to my eyes. I had a wonderful nap on the plane ride, so that’s a plus. And I am grateful I get to see my family. Life is what you make of it. The choice is forever yours and sometimes we forget that and the Angels are here to remind me.