Ivan and I worked at the bookstore in Pahoa. I caught him double taking on a DVD of porn, and earlier in the day I caught him looking at a girl’s ass. You know, I feel crazy because energetically I could just feel when a man is doing that, but I feel even crazier when they deny it. It is energy I can sense and their words often don’t match up with the energy I’m feeling. And then I just get lost in my thoughts. I just don’t feel safe.
Anyways, he told me I had nothing to worry about and that just because he’s looking in the general direction of a girl’s ass doesn’t mean he is sexualizing it. But in my eyes when he did a double take on the porn, if I was in that situation, I would see it and then immediately put it away. As if he was in my mind, he told me how he thinks all porn is garbage. I appreciated that my baby doesn’t watch porn and how I love that quality in him. I was happy the rest of the day, filled with laughter and joy–up until 11 pm.
He joked and said, “I know I saw you looking at the porn.”
I sort of jokingly replied, “Why do you have to bring that back up?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean to. I haven’t even watched porn in years.”
And I’m smiling, thinking to myself, That’s my baby.
Then he corrects himself. “Wait, no. Months.”
And I’m like wait, what? MONTHS?! We’ve been together for over a year now. And I could see in his face that his eyes were saying “I fucked up.”
It was such a sudden shift in energy. I went from a playful energy to absolute dread and sadness. I cried for hours. I told him how I sent him so many naked photos and videos–even of things that I was feeling really self-conscious about and it overall made me feel not good enough if he had the desire to look at other naked girls. I said to him it feels as though I’ve just been lying to myself. How could I possibly believe that there was actually a guy in the world that only desired me and didn’t need to look elsewhere? Like FUCK.
June 15, 2017