April 16, 2020:
I feel like crying. I have been celibate for about seven months, and I broke my celibacy with Isaiah. I don’t even know how to spell his name. I have been experiencing a lot of shyness during my celibacy. It feels as though I’ve been experiencing virginity again. As if it’s been nerve-racking to flirt with people and I get all tingly.
Vera has been our middle person during all of this and has been telling Isaiah and I what we have been telling her… such as how we both want one another, but have been too shy to make a move. I hung out with him in his hale a few times. Yesterday morning he said he wanted to make a special night for me by building me a fire and making me a bath.
I came over at sunset, and it was the most romantic thing any guy has taken the time to do for me. He built two beautiful fires for me and the bath was so divine. He boiled water on the stove and put epsom salt in there along with lavender essential oils and sunflower petals. He lit the area with candles and surrounded it with palm fronds. When we got undressed and got in, he chopped us two coconuts. Eventually we began making out and I quickly realized I didn’t like the way he tasted. I also found it difficult to relax from the beginning because I knew that I wasn’t the first girl he did this for. He even mentioned that he built that whole hale for Tacy… So naturally, I felt unwelcome. However, he also has been celibate, but for him it has been 11 months. So then we moved it to the bed to have sex and I HATED it. It was so difficult for me to get wet. I just kept wondering how Tacy enjoyed it. He seemed to screw me so hard, and I just totally zoned out at one point and thought to myself, I’m bored.
Afterwards, I didn’t even want to cuddle, I just felt like going to my bunk. Ever since, it seems like I’ve been experiencing some intense guilt… seems like I made celibacy into an idol/something important. I also felt really upset with my apparent actions, because after hearing the things he said/did when he was with Tacy, I was like I would NEVER get with him after that.
So now it’s my time to be gentle with myself, and take time for breathing. The past couple of days of having sex on my mind, I didn’t practice my ACIM lessons. I felt like I was distracting myself with thoughts of the world and making that out to be more important than God.
I feel like crying. I have been celibate for about seven months, and I broke my celibacy with Isaiah. I don’t even know how to spell his name. I have been experiencing a lot of shyness during my celibacy. It feels as though I’ve been experiencing virginity again. As if it’s been nerve-racking to flirt with people and I get all tingly.
Vera has been our middle person during all of this and has been telling Isaiah and I what we have been telling her… such as how we both want one another, but have been too shy to make a move. I hung out with him in his hale a few times. Yesterday morning he said he wanted to make a special night for me by building me a fire and making me a bath.
I came over at sunset, and it was the most romantic thing any guy has taken the time to do for me. He built two beautiful fires for me and the bath was so divine. He boiled water on the stove and put epsom salt in there along with lavender essential oils and sunflower petals. He lit the area with candles and surrounded it with palm fronds. When we got undressed and got in, he chopped us two coconuts. Eventually we began making out and I quickly realized I didn’t like the way he tasted. I also found it difficult to relax from the beginning because I knew that I wasn’t the first girl he did this for. He even mentioned that he built that whole hale for Tacy… So naturally, I felt unwelcome. However, he also has been celibate, but for him it has been 11 months. So then we moved it to the bed to have sex and I HATED it. It was so difficult for me to get wet. I just kept wondering how Tacy enjoyed it. He seemed to screw me so hard, and I just totally zoned out at one point and thought to myself, I’m bored.
Afterwards, I didn’t even want to cuddle, I just felt like going to my bunk. Ever since, it seems like I’ve been experiencing some intense guilt… seems like I made celibacy into an idol/something important. I also felt really upset with my apparent actions, because after hearing the things he said/did when he was with Tacy, I was like I would NEVER get with him after that.
So now it’s my time to be gentle with myself, and take time for breathing. The past couple of days of having sex on my mind, I didn’t practice my ACIM lessons. I felt like I was distracting myself with thoughts of the world and making that out to be more important than God.