It seems my pattern played out today. I found out Isaiah slept with Danielle right after I broke up with him and I got triggered and cried. He misunderstood the question I asked and accidentally told me he slept with her after. I put out a weird energy. It almost felt like I knew I was playing the role of victim, and I cried it out, hugged him, and as I was hugging him with tears in my eyes, I began to almost laugh. It was as if in that moment, I knew it was a joke and that I was aware I was not upset for the reason I thought. Yet, I still wanted to play out the game. Then it seemed as though I wanted to follow thoughts for a while that tempted me to believe that I had a ‘real’ reason to be angry.
I even had perceptions of people looking into my eyes and saying, “That is a big deal.”
Then, I felt called to walk and I handed over to God. On the way out, I chatted with Isaiah and he mentioned how he would be insanely jealous if I slept with someone else. I felt anger that I chose to not sleep with someone else in fear of how Isaiah would take it. It was this upset, childish feeling of ‘he did it first.’
The walk seemed to help. I listened to Christian songs and enjoyed the scenery. I came back to Cinderland and heard Athena playing music in the hallway, and I felt the trigger arise. I spent a good hour or two in the rainbow dorm with my friends to just enjoy their presence and relaxed a little bit more. Then, we all went to taco Tuesday and we danced and laughed. Before we got there, we were talking about ways to manipulate Isaiah since he told me he wanted to know if I was going to sleep with someone and I told the dorm and they were like yo, FUCK THAT! Just sleep with a bunch of people and don’t tell him like he didn’t tell you and then be like, ‘Oops, I forgot.’”
I got there and Zion’s there. We talked about him a few days in a row and how I could use him to get Isaiah jealous. We made a plan that I would see him and I would hug him in front of Isaiah and tell him how great he looked and that’s EXACTLY what I did… right in front of him. Then, I invited him to my dorm. And then Isaiah was hitting on me and I felt this energy and this feeling of being ‘over’ him, as if he was a cock blocker or something. He wanted to sit next to me and kiss me and I was like eh… uninterested. God, I feel as if I am in high school. This energy feels so ugly, making people jealous and playing games with them. It feels unsatisfying.
I am asking God to show me how all these illusions are simply distractions. Throughout this apparent life, I’ve noticed how I’ve made sex into something important. I either find myself staying celibate or being extremely promiscuous and playing with people’s emotions (which are really my own). I find that my ego still enjoys to play that game, however I just observe myself play out any remnants of the thoughts I made true for myself. The feeling of making sex/men into something meaningful isn’t as enticing as it once was.
After I got the taste of what God has in store for me, it has become harder to make people/things into idols. I am getting glimpses of how nothing in this world can even slightly compare to His Love. Although I am aware of these truths, I never know what this character ‘Goda’ is going to do. Sometimes I find myself having so much fun being on my own, traveling, meditating. Other times, I have fun when I am making love with strangers, selling myself, acting like prey. I enjoy observing the way I feel energetically.
What is my intention?
Am I in touch with God?
What can I learn here?
These things of the world are not holy or unholy in and of themselves, it is the energy behind everything. I feel an openness to see with new eyes, to go beyond the glamorization of sex and to just have fun with it rather than seeking or rejecting it because THAT is where the distraction is. It’s as simple as have fun and play when it comes up AND have fun and play when it doesn’t come up.
