July 4, 2020:
I can’t take this world seriously anymore. It’s becoming difficult for me to put meaning to everything that appears to be happening. I’ve been experiencing it specifically in the patterns that are moving through me, whatever forms that it may take. Whether it’s sex, drugs, not being impeccable with my words, trying to fit in’—it’s all underlying guilt coming to the surface for me to see.
I’m constantly having these out of body experiences of watching what I’ll apparently ‘do’ next. Sometimes, I still have sex with random people just because I feel like that’s what I have to do to be liked/acknowledged, but that way of thinking is becoming extremely unattractive for me. It feels like I can’t run away from the Truth anymore. Now that I experienced God’s love for me, nothing I do in this world can even remotely satisfy my soul the way God does. I feel some sadness come up with that, because it feels as if something inside of me is dying.
Even when I apparently want to act out a pattern, it is so short-lived and I don’t have a desire to stay ‘in it’ for long. It’s not fun for me anymore because I am aware of what is happening and what I am doing. There’s no drive to be under the delusion of this world because I know that I’m the one making it up. All I can do is surrender to the Holy Spirit, take deep breaths and give thanks for all the lessons being learned.
I can’t take this world seriously anymore. It’s becoming difficult for me to put meaning to everything that appears to be happening. I’ve been experiencing it specifically in the patterns that are moving through me, whatever forms that it may take. Whether it’s sex, drugs, not being impeccable with my words, trying to fit in’—it’s all underlying guilt coming to the surface for me to see.
I’m constantly having these out of body experiences of watching what I’ll apparently ‘do’ next. Sometimes, I still have sex with random people just because I feel like that’s what I have to do to be liked/acknowledged, but that way of thinking is becoming extremely unattractive for me. It feels like I can’t run away from the Truth anymore. Now that I experienced God’s love for me, nothing I do in this world can even remotely satisfy my soul the way God does. I feel some sadness come up with that, because it feels as if something inside of me is dying.
Even when I apparently want to act out a pattern, it is so short-lived and I don’t have a desire to stay ‘in it’ for long. It’s not fun for me anymore because I am aware of what is happening and what I am doing. There’s no drive to be under the delusion of this world because I know that I’m the one making it up. All I can do is surrender to the Holy Spirit, take deep breaths and give thanks for all the lessons being learned.