July 11, 2020:
I went to the trading post and saw Zion after not seeing him for several weeks. I felt caught off guard and found myself feeling stupid/ditzy and unable to hold a normal conversation. What is up with that? Why do I give him so much power? I’ve been feeling like I’m so in love with this man that I can’t have and I find myself becoming obsessive. I’m craving him to want me like he once did. I’m dreaming about us road tripping again, kissing, loving each other up. But why am I obsessing so much and what is it that I think I want? I say I want him and then I’ll feel at peace, but I know that I am just craving God. I’m also making Zion into an idol. Let’s say we got together. The feeling would fade, because I remember after I had sex with him I felt like my mission was complete. Realistically, I only want to have sex with him for the purpose of saying I got to have sex with him.
Then, I thought about David and wondered to myself why can’t I have those experiences forever? I reminisced about being with him by the ocean, twirling on the pine needles, laughing, feeling, as if I wanted that feeling to last forever. God told me that the best moments I could possibly think of, including those memories of myself crying tears of joy, all of those memories were absolutely nothing compared to the joy that is waiting for me in heaven. It felt scary to accept, it was that feeling like I was losing the world… Funny, I say that since that was today’s ACIM lesson: I lose the world from all I thought it was.
I went to the trading post and saw Zion after not seeing him for several weeks. I felt caught off guard and found myself feeling stupid/ditzy and unable to hold a normal conversation. What is up with that? Why do I give him so much power? I’ve been feeling like I’m so in love with this man that I can’t have and I find myself becoming obsessive. I’m craving him to want me like he once did. I’m dreaming about us road tripping again, kissing, loving each other up. But why am I obsessing so much and what is it that I think I want? I say I want him and then I’ll feel at peace, but I know that I am just craving God. I’m also making Zion into an idol. Let’s say we got together. The feeling would fade, because I remember after I had sex with him I felt like my mission was complete. Realistically, I only want to have sex with him for the purpose of saying I got to have sex with him.
Then, I thought about David and wondered to myself why can’t I have those experiences forever? I reminisced about being with him by the ocean, twirling on the pine needles, laughing, feeling, as if I wanted that feeling to last forever. God told me that the best moments I could possibly think of, including those memories of myself crying tears of joy, all of those memories were absolutely nothing compared to the joy that is waiting for me in heaven. It felt scary to accept, it was that feeling like I was losing the world… Funny, I say that since that was today’s ACIM lesson: I lose the world from all I thought it was.