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Journal entry before I flew out to Colorado:
I’ve been angry inside, for several months now. I’m really good at playing it off & making jokes about myself because truthfully, I DO try to make my life into a joke so I don’t end up taking it so seriously.
I’m working 3 jobs right now, 2 of them I’m extremely passionate about but there’s still this undeniable pull to be walking barefoot in the dirt, driving to a state 30 hours away just cause I felt like it, dancing in Nevada City, hanging out with hiker trash by the bonfire. Why can’t I just BE happy in no matter what state of mind I’m in? I know the answer is of course I can! I guess I’m just not believing I can.
Ever since that trail, I swear, something inside of me shifted. I haven’t been sharing a lot about what’s been going on in my mind… I guess cause I don’t even know how to embrace it yet. I’ve been out of it & not in a good way. I am with someone new almost every night & it is so obvious to me at this point that I am filling some sort of void because man, I seriously fool myself. I’ll be out on a date, flirting, getting touchy, laughing & then I’ll go in the bathroom & as soon as that stall closes, the smile disappears. That’s the truth of it.
Yet still, I dream & have faith in things unseen. A passion for romance, adventure & earthly melodies. I get sucked into the simple things, yet just as strongly I get sucked into this hell of an ego trip.
But today, I stood outside & I looked at the moon… & it was easy to be honest with myself. I got flooded with memories of being on the PCT. 100% sober, laughing with strangers by a fire, walking through river crossings, conquering mountains, sleeping in my tent during a thunderstorm… & I felt a stillness wash over me… a gentle wind whispering to me “it’s time to go back home.” 🏔
This was written less than 2 months ago. Give yourself the freedom to do what makes you happy. For me, that meant running off into the wild indefinitely. I do not remember the last time I was this happy, even on my worst days on trail. I re-read this journal entry just after I stood outside & watched the thunderstorm roll in for a good half hour. Feels good to be hOMe. 🙏🏻🏔👣