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(10 days later) I didn’t realize I was that traumatized up until the last several days. I noticed I’ve been extremely on edge towards men. To the point where I was getting strong flashbacks of his face hovering over me & feeling a sense of being trapped. I was hanging out with a close lover, feeling scared of his presence. I would find myself randomly breaking down in tears. I know it was completely irrational, but the feelings were coming up regardless.
I do trust that everything happens for a reason & that I’m never given anything I can’t handle. It’s not even close to my first rodeo when it comes to this kind of stuff. I also don’t feel called to reach out to this specific person & let them know they did something wrong or tell them the way I felt about what apparently happened. I feel it doesn’t matter because all that would be communicated is anger & defensiveness. In truth, no one really did anything wrong. We are all trying our best from the level of understanding that we have in that moment.
I know where I could’ve done things differently, too, & with that comes forgiveness. I see how the Universe will give me endless opportunities of these situations until I can learn to truly speak up for myself.
Three days into being completely alone in the remote wilderness, I had a breakdown going up ‘Porcupine Pass’. I was 1,000’ from the summit & that was the moment where all of the anger hit me. I screamed, “FUUUCKKK YOUUUU!!!” into the abyss & I felt all of the anger pass through & out of me. I felt everything release & I found myself move into acceptance & gratitude for the opportunity I received.