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MM 415.4: We made it to the Toaster House (free hiker hostel) and took a nero. I decided I would be getting off at Grants to fly back to Chicago and take a few days off trail to be there for Pupa’s passing on.
The caretaker, Jefferson, let us do hiker laundry in the sink and had us air dry our clothes on the line. Such a neat place, filled with hiker memoir, quotes, photos, stickers and words of inspiration to keep us trekking on.
We went to the Ohana Cafe and ordered two meals each. I was super pleased to meet the Hawaiian owner, Ngaire. We hit it off like best friends and indulged in some island talk. She hooked me up with a bunch of goodies such as guava nectar drinks, free pie, water from Volcano, and let me drink a whole jug of lilicoi juice since I mentioned it was my favorite fruit. She even brought multiple pies for the hostel so that hikers could get their calorie intake. A woman of true Aloha. ❤️
When we got back to the hostel, Jefferson made us popcorn and spaghetti with loads of butter. We shared smiles and conversation as we ate our meals and watched the cats on the windowsill begging for some crumbs.
There has been apparent conflict coming up with Adam ever since I mentioned I wanted to hike alone again. I picked up on some signs of attachment and felt myself pulling away. I don’t do well with attachment. I am the type that has the mentality of “I’ll see you when I see you.”
I recognized the look in his eyes that he was falling in love and I playfully go, “Awe, you looove me!” And he goes, “Yeah I do and I don’t want you to leave. Maybe it was destiny for you to meet another solo hiker out here. Don’t you think it’s something special?” No, I thought to myself.
I often feel unheard when I communicate that I enjoy having sex with multiple people and that I prefer solitude time. It’s as though it goes over people’s heads. I seem to attract those who think I will change my mind or attempt to tame me which just pushes me away to a great extent.
I am not against a committed relationship, per se, I simply know what I want and I am not one to settle. At the same time, I know that emotions can get the best of us, such as falling hard for someone who you know won’t commit.
However, it is not my responsibility to give people false comfort by staying with them out of obligation, but it is my responsibility to help them see that they are not upset for the reason they think. I held him close to my chest and breathed with him, energetically holding space for him to relax a little bit more.
The next day, Jefferson made me a Toaster House latte along with a foot bath with epsom salt. He said he adored listening to my laugh, that I brought joy to the hostel and that I should take another zero. Tempting, but I have a mission to complete. 👣