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Bear Ridge Trail to Vermillion Valley Resort: We took the Bear Ridge Trail down to the road and got picked up by a shuttle driver volunteer who drove us to Vermillion Valley Resort (VVR). A gem in the middle of the woods; the place was the definition of a hiker’s haven.
It sported a sign on the cabin door that read HIKERS! Please Loiter. They had hiker boxes that were the size of large treasure chests. They offered a space called Mushroom City for those who wanted to set up their tents for free.
The employees would ring a bell to signal that it was time to eat and everyone would gather like sheep. They would yell your trail name and you would go up to the window to be given your heaping plate of food. VVR felt like a different planet; one that felt like home.
I appreciated the trust the owners had for us. When we came to the host stand to order food or reserve lodging, all we had to do was provide our trail name and pay before we left. They didn’t have our government name or a credit card on file, they simply embodied a state of trust.
We went to put our laundry in the wash and threw on some loner clothes as we waited. I chose a ripped maxi sundress while BD sported an army themed jacket. I found it immensely seductive the way he changed appearances throughout the day. First night together, he fancied semi-circular golden framed glasses paired with a mustard yellow alpaca sweater; the sleeves gently wrapped around his shoulders made him look like a poet. Then, he would switch to the role of a musician by grabbing a guitar and serenading me with that voice he knew would make me weak in the knees. But, my all time favorite was the thru-hiker version of him. The dirty, sweaty, hiker trash man that made my heart skip a beat on the first day. It reflected a goal-oriented, persistent, hard working, primal man.
I went to lay in the hammock and felt water droplets splashing on me. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from since it was a sunny day. I caught BD hiding behind the tree spitting water on me. I laughed and told him to join me in the hammock. I snuggled into him as we intertwined our dirty feet together.
My knee rested over his bulge… I felt him start to grow. I smiled mischievously and felt it would be fun to give him a little secret tease in public. I grazed my fingertips over his cock… feeling him get rock hard through the thin layer of his Patagonia shorts. I bit my lip longingly.
He goes, “Oh this is dangerous.” I tilted my head in curiosity. He continues, “Because I like you a lot.” I let out a sigh and softened my position. With my feminine touch, I traced my fingers through his hair. He said he was fascinated by me and my life experiences… that he wanted to continue hiking with me and how happy he was that he slowed down his pace to join my tramily. I told him the feelings were mutual and that I was excited for his change in plans. I felt the conversation was headed towards the topic of dating and romantic relationships. It was clear we were becoming heavily interested in one another.
Later at night, a red flag appeared with BD and I witnessed how I naturally wanted to run away from anything to do with a romantic relationship. I felt overwhelmed with feelings of judgement, anxiety and self-worth. I just wanted to be alone again… it’s what I seemed to do best. Maybe I’m not meant for this relationship thing, I thought.
I sat by the fire with a group of people as I watched the flames rise and fade into the dark depths of my mind. Most of the people around me were really rowdy; it became clear it felt too much to be around, so I went to the room and laid down. BD followed me and laid down with me. He looked into my eyes. No words spoken, yet the energy revealed a pressure of what wanted to be said.
It felt really challenging for me to hold eye contact. Too vulnerable. Too exposed. I felt scared of growing a close connection. I felt scared about speaking up about what was upsetting me and what boundaries were apparently crossed.
And then, the pattern emerged. I disguised the sensation of pain through the distraction of an attractive man’s soft lips against mine. A warm body pressed up against mine… I closed my wet eyes and guided his hand down to my yoni. A push and pull of energy. Of wanting so deeply to be cherished the way my heart desired to be… by the one in front of me… but being shown what I so desperately didn’t want to see.
The eyes of another reveal to my heart what my mind might want to deny. It’s always in the eyes. A beautiful man in numerous ways, but from the very first night I looked into his eyes, I knew he wasn’t the one. Still, I felt he had something to teach me and I felt inspired to learn… even if that meant a possibility of being sent down the path of heartbreak.