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May 10 2023, Seeley-Woodworth Shelter to Punchbowl Overlook:
I looked up at the sky and watched as the birds flew high above me. I envied their freedom and the way they appeared so out of reach. I remembered when I was a little girl, I used to pray to grow sparkly white angel wings so I could fly far away from this world. Every time I was on the road with my family, I used to ask my Dad to buy me wishing stones and, every single time, for years, I made the same wish.
But, God worked in mysterious ways. He grew me symbolic wings, that being, He gave me the strength to walk in my Faith, even on days I felt at my weakest. He would carry my weary body and lift me up in the moments where I felt I couldn’t carry the weight anymore. I was never alone, no matter how much the ego attempted to convince me I was. The delusional world had false evidence disguised as truth, when in fact, it was nothing short of chaos.
I started listening to Wisdom Dialogues and less than a mile into my walk, I started bawling my eyes out. I placed the palm of my hand onto my stomach and took in some deep breaths. I thought about what my Teacher, Vadim, had taught me during my first ayahuasca ceremony. I remembered the way he placed his hands on my solar plexus when I was nauseous.
“Don’t worry, my love,” he would say, “It is only a feeling passing through. It is only a wave of energy. It can’t touch you.”
Then, I called in Jesus’s name and asked Him to help me see through the perception I had about Voodoo. I noticed I would often experience some strong awakenings when I learned the “hard way”, but it had been apparently taking a toll on my nervous system.
I knew deep in my heart that seduction and playing games with men didn’t give me the true satisfaction I was looking for. I knew that even the act of sex itself couldn’t give me the deep adornment I desired.
As I had stated in the past, there was a fine line for me when it came to sex. There came a point where I had a difficult time distinguishing when sex was fun versus when it was used as a distraction. With Voodoo, there were red flags arising from the very beginning, yet the feeling of his hard cock inside of me seemed it would momentarily take away from the pain occurring in my mind. During our sex, it seemed I was in Heaven for a couple of minutes at a time and I chose to trade the Love God had for me for the moment of worthless orgasms—aware of the price I would be paying.
I came back to gentleness and continued watching the fluctuations of the world as they were being presented onto the screen of consciousness. I knew I had thousands of Angels watching over me. I knew I was being supported in numerous ways and that my mind was expanding with immense gifts, despite the feeling of giving up.
In the early afternoon, I met a group of older gentleman who stopped me to talk, fascinated by my journey as a thru-hiker. They asked to take a picture with me, which I felt open to, so I did. Then, they asked if they could take a drone video of me hiking across the ridge line. I always had the vision of having a video like that, specifically in an open meadow. I loved the way the trail always provided when I least expected it.
Later in the day, I ran into a few of my readers. One girl went by the name of Tacos. She was extremely ecstatic to meet me because she was trying to catch me up the trail. She asked if she could give me a hug—turned out, it was just what I needed, myself. She, also, was a practicer and lover of shibari!
I got some amazing trail magic at one of the gaps by a girl named Starr who was with her girl friend. They were handing out fresh doughnuts, toiletries and electrolyte packets. She even let us craft a Mother’s Day card for our moms’ to send back home.
I noticed they also had some duct tape. I asked what they used it for and started laughing because I only had one thought in my head as to what it could be used for, which was getting restrained.
Starr goes, “You could fix a lot of gear with it!”
And then I remembered, Oh yeah, I forgot that the original use of duct tape was not for the purpose of being taped over my mouth.
I turned around to one of the hikers and teased, “It could have multiple uses.”
It turned out, I forgot to write in the infamous Priest Shelter log book, so the girls told me to write something on a piece of paper and they would bring it to the shelter the following day. I grabbed the pen and paper as I confessed my “sins” in a joking matter. It felt liberating to shed some light on the way I appeared to be. It felt like a release to own myself through bluntness and light humor, rather than through embarrassment and shame.
After experiencing the lightness of that moment, the trail community, my Spirit guides and the activity of walking in silent meditation, I remembered, yet again, that I was okay. I recalled my innocence in the simplest of ways.
I kept thinking about Pringles saying, “Just be you and embrace yourself as you are. Don’t ever be afraid of who you are.”
It felt strengthening to embrace that. So far, I only imagined what it would feel like to express myself completely naturally. For now, the vision was enough to sustain me, for I knew it would soon be possible to see it unfold it in the “physical.”
It smelled like cucumbers along the walk beside the creek. I came out to Lynchburg Reservoir just around the corner. The view of the water and wildflowers beside me felt so serene and solitary. I had also been seeing numerous cardinals along the trail the past several days.
The Spirit Symbolism of Cardinals:
-a loved one who had passed is near, letting me know they’re with me
-a transformation is underway
-a bold change is wanting to occur
-reminding me to trust my evolutionary process
-root chakra; stay connected with my breath in order to stay grounded
-a reminder not to withdraw, but rather expresss and be bold; open up
-my transformation is bringing up feelings of embarrassment and shame which elicits a desire to hide and the cardinal is asking me to do the opposite
To me, it was a reminder that my Angels were with me and that I would see through the perception of pain. A big shift was on its way and what was required of me was only a little bit of willingness and trust. A reminder to relax a little bit more whether I experienced myself changing or stuck in the same mindset. I was reminded to give myself space to just be as I was showing up in the moment, regardless if that meant I was appearing as self-conscious or insecure.