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July 7-8 2023, Hanover, NH to Hikers Welcome Hostel:
I felt dead inside. I felt so numb and as if my body was just moving through the motions while not feeling as if I was really there. Voodoo could sense that I was unresponsive and spacey, so he apologized to me as we were walking to the trail.
He said he was just scared I was going to leave him for someone else. He said he would never yell at me again and felt absolutely terrible for how everything unfolded. I had seen in movies how the characters would often say that they would never do something again, which would often turn to them doing that very thing again. There was that push and pull energy. From day one my heart was intuitively guarded around his presence, but my body was always his.
He admitted that he was trying to get me to react, to slap him or call him names because it would hurt more. I told him I wasn’t interested in that kind of play. I wasn’t interested in drama when I was relating with someone. If anything, I would find myself pulling away and closing off.
As we were climbing uphill, he called his best friend to confess that he went crazy on me. It sounded as if he was bragging about it.
“Sometimes I just wanna fucking strangle her,” he said, “she just drives me so fucking crazy and brings me to my breaking point. Women, you can’t live with ‘em, you can’t live without ‘em.”
He could tell I got upset over the comments, but brushed it off as it just being a joke.
“That’s not funny to me,” I said, “especially when there’s a jab behind it. Jokes hold a lot of truth.”
Hearing him make those comments about me seemed to make me feel so shitty because, for one, I felt I had communicated very vulnerably with him when I was going through something. Yes, I would cry almost every time, but I never yelled or acted out in a way that was aggressive. So the fact that he said he was at his breaking point just by me being vulnerable made me feel like I didn’t know how I could be any more soft in my expression.
I also felt unloved when he spoke to me as if I was a burden or some person whom he just wanted to kill rather than his beloved. I so deeply wanted to be cherished, for him to tell his friends how much he appreciated crossing paths with me and how much of a gift I was to him. It looked like I wanted him to be/act like something he was not.
Throughout today’s hike, I entertained the idea of hitchhiking somewhere else, but I was stubborn and told myself I only had 400 something miles left with him. I was really excited to finish the last two states and I didn’t want a boy to get in the way of what I came out here to do. I told myself I would just suck it up, push it to Katahdin and then go our separate ways. I wanted to hitchhike and skip more sections of the trail just to get there faster and then connect the dots once we parted.
I took a break near the top of the hill while Voodoo was ahead. I felt so energetically depleted. I had never felt so tired hiking. Normally I felt energized and excited, but I just felt so heavy and weighed down in thoughts. I cried as I started to feel into all the emotions that were arising. I was able to see more clearly what was occurring in my mental experience when he wasn’t in my physical vicinity.
When I started walking again, I saw a black bear that was walking towards the trail. Upon seeing me, it scurried away and ran up the nearest tree! I was stunned by its beauty. It looked like such a sweet little teddy bear.
Spirit Symbolism of Bears:
~good indicators of patience, confidence, and knowing who I am and what I apparently want
~introspection; reminding me to go inward
~notifying me that I am free to roam at will and follow my path
Upon catching up to Voodoo, he was waiting for me just past the cliff I was perched at.
He goes, “You know, I talked to my friend about what happened and I’m starting to think it’s not so bad between us. In relationships people fight—“
“It’s not fighting. It’s called communicating,” I interrupted.
“Okay, communicating,” he said, “I’m starting to see it’s just part of being in a relationship.”
So, I let go and moved on. Maybe he had calmed down and really changed this time.
The following day we hitched closer to get to Hikers Welcome Hostel. An older gentleman in a pick up truck picked us up. Voodoo placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I zoned out. I just couldn’t seem to shake the feelings off. I would move through waves of sadness, then numbness.
“You know, I used to hitchhike cross country back in the day,” the guy said, “I’ve seen this whole country just by sticking my thumb out on the side of the interstates.”
Normally, I would be talking peoples’ ears off when I was hitchhiking, wanting to know their stories and celebrating in synchronicities, but when I was with Voodoo, I became more and more passive.
“She’s being really quiet right now, but this girl hitchhikes cross country every year,” Voodoo said.
I looked out the window, reminiscing of what it felt like to roam free.
“Mhm, it was fun,” I said.
When Voodoo would speak to me, it was as if I would respond several seconds later, like a robot waiting for the circuits in my brain to compute a sentence.
Once we got to the hostel, Voodoo took a nap and I called my friend, Pocahontas, just to get some peace of mind. She was the manager at the community I lived at in Hawaii and the daughter of my favorite spiritual teacher. She knew how to snap me out of the train of thoughts I was following. When I spoke to her, I felt a sense of calmness and happiness. As if everything that apparently happened with Voodoo seemed like nothing, because truly, it was nothing. The drama in my mind slowly dissipated.
I told her about how I just kept getting these vibes of how he presented himself and how his words wouldn’t match up with his actions. He would make me feel like I was the crazy one, even though I could energetically feel that he wasn’t being honorable with his word. It was something that just felt clear as day. Energy didn’t lie.
The example was with women and how I often caught him checking out other girls. He would make it so obvious and then tell me how he was doing anything but that. There was always an excuse that came along with it.
Pocahontas goes, “Yeah, you just get up and leave otherwise you’re just trying to change their behavior which is meaningless and won’t ever work. You just don’t put up with it because it just comes with a bunch of other drama.”
I often forgot that I could just walk away from what didn’t serve me and what didn’t feel energetically good to me. Why did I choose pain over what made my heart sing? I felt into her energy and I experienced joyous laughter again. That was Truth: laughter; laughter being recognition of Reality.