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(X-rated) July 17 2023,100 Mile Wilderness:
The waft of the wet pines were being dried out by the morning sun and the view of the swaying trees had me feeling like I was drifting in and out of remembering who I was. A faint memory of happiness. I could feel how I was stuck in a dream state, a dream of my own making.
Everything felt blurry and without purpose or substance. My apparent life felt without substance. I didn’t want to talk to people, not because I felt introverted necessarily, but because I didn’t feel as if I had the energy to form a regular conversation.
We hitched to Monson and decided to take a zero at Shaw’s Hiker Hostel. I kept telling myself that I would just push it to Katahdin with him and that I would just need to hang in there a little bit longer. However, each day felt harder than the last. My heart seemed to be hanging on by a thread and so I skipped good chunks of the trail just to get towards the finish line a little bit faster.
Our relationship overall seemed to be hanging on by the same weak thread, as we seemingly experienced the same recurring arguments having to do with money and sex.
Before going to bed, I grew frisky again as we were cowboy camping in the lawn. I made a move on him, in a flirtatious voice asking him to fuck me.
I said it as there was someone walking by, to which Voodoo got triggered and said, “What the fuck? Why would you say that as someone is walking by? That wasn’t very lady like of you.”
And oh my goodness, him attacking my femininity felt like he just put fuel to my flame. I felt livid, a hot sensation of fire within me. I felt so upset that I was about to go inside of the hostel and fuck all of the random dudes that were hitting on me throughout the day. But then, I saw the pattern. I took a deep breath. Not saying anything, I left him to go cool off. I walked past all the men sitting in the living room and snuck into one of the rooms upstairs to write.
Just right there, I felt a shift. In a situation like that, I was so used to distracting myself with other cock and, in that moment, I walked past several great candidates for getting the anger fucked out of me, but instead, I went to feel through the pain in silence for a few hours.
We woke up in the morning and had a talk about it. I told him how painful it felt to be told I was being un-ladylike, because I wasn’t trying to be in the first place. I enjoyed being his personal whore/sex toy, so him saying that just made me feel rejected and like I wasn’t good enough. He further explained how he had been feeling pressured with how much sex I had been wanting, making him feel like he wasn’t doing enough. Whereas I felt I wasn’t enough because my needs were being consistently unmet (having nothing to do with sex).
We packed up and hitched up to Moosehead Lake and found a little tucked away spot in the woods beside the water. We laid our mats out on the pines and dirt while we looked up at the sky.
“You’re emotionless,” he said to me.
Wish I was, I thought to myself.
I would like to admit to being emotionless, but I was only temporarily numb. The feelings were actually so intense that I didn’t feel I could handle them at the time, so I did what I did best—shut them out. It felt like he was energetically shaking my body, wanting me to at least act a little bit more alive.
“I am experiencing so much mental pain,” I said, “I just don’t have the energy to do or say anything anymore.”
I didn’t have the energy to speak my truth which would inevitably turn into an argument. I felt he knew I was drifting away… from him and from myself. It was as if he didn’t know how to keep me in a solid piece and we were both scared because of it. In the end, we were just kids, trying to figure out what all of it meant, all the while feeling stuck in a delusional dance, keeping each other afloat while barely alive.
“I just feel like you’re so unsatisfied with everything I do. It’s as if you can’t be pleased,” he said.
I felt for him so much. I could see how hard he was trying. He really was. I appeared to be very picky in what I seemed to want in a mate. And I stood by that, because if I didn’t honor my heart, I knew I would be hurting myself through accepting things that weren’t worthy of me. And there were a lot of things that didn’t resonate with me with Voodoo which stopped me from taking the next step. It didn’t mean he was less than, we just both had different requirements for a relationship and that was okay.
He cried, “I just feel like I’m not good enough for you.”
It was the first time I saw Voodoo break down and cry so much.
“That’s not true at all,” I said as I wiped his tears, “you are good enough. I’m just stubborn, it seems.”
God, I wished I could have been that easy going girlfriend for him, but I would just be lying to myself if I said I was okay with most of stuff he appeared to do. He also felt like we were having so much sex and as if it still wasn’t enough. He felt drained and I did, too, but more so mentally. He said he just didn’t have it in him anymore to keep fucking me and I felt resentful that I felt like I couldn’t just go and get all of the cock I apparently wanted.
We appeared to talk everything out, and then, he began to kiss me. His cock seemed to get hard anytime I was in a very vulnerable state and I somehow had gotten used to getting physically intimate, even though my mind wasn’t all there.
He slipped his shorts to the side since we were in a very public place and didn’t want to get caught. He slipped himself in and, inch by inch, the feeling sense of addiction crept up. Instead of really appreciating his divine cock, I kept wishing for the experience to never end and for him to give it to me deeper and deeper because the feeling was such a great distraction from my internal reality.
Eventually, he removed his shorts all the way since it was blocking him off from giving it to me fully. He took my clothes off, too, so he could get a visual representation of my tits and continued to penetrate me until he came all over me. When he slipped himself out, his shorts were covered in a striped artwork of my cum. We took photos of the wet cum on my face, tits and stomach and I pointed out the the people in the water that probably saw us fucking.
Afterwards, we got dressed and hitched a ride by a Maine couple who took us all the way to the trail. I ended up starting my moon cycle as we were out there with our thumbs out. When we got dropped off, we only hiked a couple of miles before I begged him to fuck me on the soft, mossy field. He walked me through the fairy forest until he found a good spot and gave it to me hard. My cravings for connecting with him seemed to be becoming insatiable.
He started smoking a cigarette and we felt some rain droplets, so we packed up and got going. The last mile to the shelter, we ended up getting poured on. There was a couple sitting in there waiting for the rain to die out.
Shortly after, they left to go find a tent spot and Voodoo says to me, “Did you see the way that girl looked at me when I came in? It was as if I came up to her, jerked my dick on her and came all over her face.”
The visual representation made me feel sick to my stomach. I had noticed that I was very image and word sensitive.
“Why did you have to use a description like that?” I asked.
Moments like that just showed me where his mind was at and I found myself becoming more turned off and distant. Layers of my heart were chipping away.
When would I stop hurting myself? I thought to myself, When would the self sabotage end?
I went to bed, once again feeling dead inside, a void that tempted me to just give up. The rain poured heavy during the night and reminded me of the nights I spent in Hawaii. I was reminded of a place that felt like home and I felt a spark of Spirit warming me up as I fell asleep.