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July 23, 2023:
Charlotte drove me all the way to the missionary in Monson where they hosted hikers for free since I wanted to visit Pink before I headed south. During the drive, she expressed to me what a blessing it was to have me, claiming that she needed to meet me and that I healed her with my presence.
“You were the prayer I was looking for,” she voiced.
When she dropped me off, we gave each other a deep hug with a loose promise that I would come back and stay with her whenever I passed through Millinocket. Then, I walked around the back of the building to find Pink sitting right on the porch and we greeted each other with screams of joy for our reunion. He showed me cool rocks with lichen patterns that he found, along with his new harmonica. I felt so grateful to have met him on this trip.
After I unpacked, we both walked into town. I felt I was experiencing some heavy perceptions, especially seeing where Voodoo and I had been. Everything reminded me of him and other hikers kept asking where he was because they had never seen me without him. The scent of his pheromones still lingered in my mind and I was convinced nothing would compare to him right now. It felt like an intense energy of longing, as though I wanted to grip onto someone else to distract me from him, if only for a moment.
I felt more talkative today, but not by much. I noticed there was still some nervousness stepping out of my bubble and speaking to other people, but I could sense I was coming out of my shell pretty fast. I walked to Shaw’s and sat with some hikers at the picnic table while we snacked on some trail magic food—fried dough and small pieces of chicken.
It was interesting to see how people appeared much more talkative to me when I didn’t have a man by my side. I appeared more approachable and I, myself, felt more approachable. The second some of the guys found out I wasn’t with Voodoo anymore, they asked me to come out to dinner with them, then, one of the hikers scanned my body with his eyes flirtatiously.
It was clear I could’ve fucked a handful of people if I wanted to, but I just felt sad. It felt like so many people talked to me when I was in town, but the only person I wanted to talk to was Voodoo. Once again, faith and gentleness were required of me. It was clear I was mistaken in what I was taking as truth, because there was a sense of fear and anxiety and a tendency to blame my circumstances.
So, as I hung out at Shaw’s, I began to paint a mini mandala acrylic painting, but halfway through became tired and decided to head back to the missionary. I didn’t really feel like talking to people anymore because I could tell how my energy was coming from a place of distraction.
I walked back to the missionary to find Pink watching a Trail Days Parade video he had found on YouTube and he kept rewinding to the part where Voodoo was walking me on a leash.
Too hard to watch, I walked into the kitchen and met the owner of the home and thanked her for providing such a lovely getaway for hikers, especially one infused with God. She smiled and asked if she could please do a prayer with me, to which I happily said ‘yes’. Overall, the message of the prayer was to keep my head up and lean into the Light of God and to remember that He was always with me.