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(Sort of x-rated) July 30 2023, Full Goose Shelter to Centennial Trail:
Woke up to a chilling cold even though I was fully submerged inside of my sleeping bag. It was early and still foggy outside, but the majority of hikers had already started packing up. I ate a very small snack, then put on my long sleeve shirt and got up and got going.
I reminisced of Georgia, for the air reminded me of early March, when there was still a chill in the breeze and a newness in my step. Everything around me was wet from last nights rain and I felt chilled to the bone even after the steep climb. As the sun came out, a cold, refreshing sharpness still lingered, reminding me of what it felt like when spring was on the horizon.
Fresh into my hike this morning, I fell hip deep into a bog. I didn’t even know what a bog was until someone told me. Upon sinking, I thought I was in a pile of mud-like quicksand. I luckily landed my foot onto a root so I was able to stop myself from further sinking. Then, I grabbed hold of the wooden plank beside me and pulled myself up and out.
My legs were fully covered in mud and my shoes were officially soaking wet, so I didn’t even bother avoiding any future mud puddles. Something about the experience felt very calming and invigorating to me. I loved dirt and mud and trees and rocks. All of those elements felt very grounding to me. I was always very drawn to being on the land versus in the water.
I didn’t get to see the new tramily I had formed since I was always just a little bit in front of them, but I didn’t mind because it seemed it was just what I needed during that time. I felt a lot better and happy to be on trail in actual solitude. It really did feel like a whole different sensory experience when I knew I wasn’t meeting anyone before or after. My energy seemed more uplifted and my heart felt airy again.
I remember I felt a little anxiety on my end when I had voiced to the group that I wanted to hike alone and just meet up at camp. They responded in such light heartedness and told me it wasn’t an issue at all and that I had the freedom to hike however I wanted. It actually caught me off guard when there was no guilt-tripping type energy.
I felt like the Universe was saying, “See, there are people that respect your space,” with a gentle energy behind that, whispering, “don’t lose faith.”
At the top of the hills, it was so insanely windy that I physically could not keep my balance. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe, either. It reminded me of skydiving and how difficult it felt to breathe when the air was getting shoved down my throat and nostrils. To top it off, I couldn’t see clearly because of the fog droplets clouding my glasses from view!
In the afternoon, I ran into a cute hiker boy at one of the shelters. He was still young, appeared to be in college. He had a slight stutter when he talked to me and I found it cute. Then, he took his shirt off around me and I couldn’t help but smile. I snuck some glances at his biceps and then at his bulge. I ate my goldfish crackers in fantasy about what he might look like naked.
Right there, I caught myself. Just having that thought about sexualizing someone, I recognized that I was actually hurting myself and being unkind to myself in my mind. Being lost in fantasy was distracting me from what was True. I invited the Holy Spirit to help me see that further and to cleanse my mind. I really did feel I was offered so many opportunities around sexual fantasy because I seemed to keep tricking myself back into illusions.
Upon getting to camp and setting up my tent, I called Hope Johnson. Just hearing her voice sent me in a wave of laughter. God, it felt so good to laugh. In her presence, it was often my first reaction. She didn’t even have to speak before I was already smiling just by tapping into her energy.
I confided in her about Voodoo, for I knew she would be the one to help me see clearly. She always got me to laugh by energetically reminding me it wasn’t so serious as I made it out to be in my mind, for the experience of being ‘in’ a world and a person being ‘out there’ was only but a dream of perception and separation.
I told her how I became surprised that I attracted someone who was aggressive and she just busted out laughing to the point of tears, as she does.
“You want this aggressiveness in bed and then you’re surprised when an aggressive man appears?” she asked.
Good point, I thought.
“Remember,” she said, “you aren’t ‘attracting’ these ‘types of men.’ They are being born out of your mind because you wanted it.”
“Why do I want this mental pain?” I asked.
“So you could convince yourself that the things in the world are real,” she said.
And convincing myself the world was real wasn’t what I really wanted, because as I did that, I was teaching my mind that pain, illness, sickness and death were real. The ego was very tricky like that because it would make it seem like I needed these things, and that they were normal, when in fact it was far from the truth. It seemed the ego would find all these different facets and ways of sneaking into a situation to convince me that now I had to take something seriously.
I was also starting to understand how it liberates everyone, including myself, when I let people off the hook. That was what actually healed the world because I was acknowledging that what I thought happened never actually happened which was what true forgiveness really meant.
I asked, “Can you relax in the moment of pain during sex? Such as, the kinks and fetishes that I appear to be into?”
“You tell me,” she said.
“Yes,” I said.
“Okay, now demonstrate it,” she said.
I expressed to her how I wanted it all. Right now, I wanted to experience these rapey kinks while at the same time having immense softness outside of the bedroom. I told her how it was easy for me to separate what happened in the bedroom from day to day life and that I wanted a man who could reflect the same. I got back onto the cuckolding topic and expressed how it seemed I was so drawn to that, too, but still felt anxiety expressing that desire to potential mates. It would be reflected back to me by men basically telling me that I was a nut job.
“Remember anything is possible. Anything you want exists and you can have that for yourself,” she said.
I closed my eyes and felt into that. It felt like a breath of fresh air. The energy of her words felt so calming and uplifting.
“It’s not about having to match what you want on the surface,” she continued, “all you have to do is be comfortable with that in yourself. And you’ll meet plenty of dudes that aren’t into that and you’ll just know those aren’t your dudes. The Holy Spirit says you can have anything you want, but once you have it, you’ll be shown that it’s still meaningless.”
She also reminded me that the perception of Voodoo yelling and becoming angry with me simply showed me that he was in a lot of mental pain and that he needed compassion. And as she said that, I realized that compassion did not necessarily mean sticking around and taking it on. To me, it looked like prayer and forgiveness for what never was and seeing him as he truly was.
I remember Voodoo expressing his fear that nobody would ever want him if they saw him in that state, which felt really convincing to buy into at first. But, the way energies worked in this world, I knew he would find exactly what he was looking for. There would be somebody out there who would love to play into an energy game like that and I did, myself, for awhile, up until I saw it wasn’t really serving me nor something I really wanted to continue playing. It took playing that out to see it.
I told her my fear that I would never have orgasms with any other guy because he was the one that opened me up.
“The orgasms come from you,” she said, “so now it will be easy because you are aware that they all come from your mind and not another person.”
I expressed how I actually felt as if I was experiencing a sense of addiction over the sex we had. I remembered how much I cried because I felt as if we weren’t having enough sex, even though it was what the majority of our day consisted of. The feelings of arousal and ‘needing to get off’ were so strong that I felt I couldn’t move on with my day until I satisfied that itch over and over again.
She reminded me that the feelings of hornyness were made to feel intense and real to make it seem like I needed that person to fix it, but if I gave willingness for the Holy Spirit to shine some light on it, He would give me the strength to be with the feeling and let it pass.
“The fantasy is the tension,” she said, “it’s the thoughts that are holding it down.”
A long pause occurred between us as I integrated everything she said.
Then, in an excited voice she says, “Hey, Goda! Did you know the news is a PSYOPS?”
I busted out laughing because it was so random.
“Yes, Hope,” I chuckled, “I’ve known that for years.”
I felt so freaking good after talking to her. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing—that was how I knew her teachings were for me and true to me because I always felt so wholesome and energized afterwards. It always felt as if a veil was lifted in my mind and as if I gifted life again.
After I hung up, I heard a guy playing his guitar and singing at the trailhead next to a couple of people. I thought it was sweet, but I didn’t really feel inspired to get out of my tent since there were swarms of mosquitos. Later, I peaked my head out and saw he was setting up his tent right next to mine and I automatically thought about how handsome he was.
Right before going to bed, I began to masturbate, hoping he was listening. I gently increased my moans, getting off on the little grunts and movements he made which signified to me he was still awake. I wished so bad he could’ve gave me a helping hand. I thought of him sneaking his way into my tent and taking advantage of me and I came so hard to that thought nearly immediately.
Then, a car drove by really fast and we both started laughing at how loud it was, so it broke the barrier for us to talk. We casually started chatting through our tents about who we were and about our passions in life—one of them being thru-hiking, of course. He had thru-hiked the AT in ‘14 and was out here doing trail magic along with gifting people with the sound of his music!
“Only a thru-hiker would have a full blown conversation with a stranger while not even getting out of their tent,” he said.
We laughed and then decided to step out of our tents and meet each other physically. It was pitch black outside, the only light being a glimmer from the moon. We chatted for maybe half an hour. Then, I got completely annihilated by mosquitoes, so I told him it was time for me to go back in my tent.
We hugged each other goodnight and he said, “If I’m not up, you’re welcome to wake me up.”
“Mm, don’t tempt me,” I flirted.