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(X-rated) January 26, 2024:
In the morning I went out with the gang to eat breakfast and drink flat whites. Our conversations consisted of selling dirty socks online for money and Australia’s giant spiders. Elias met me up with us near the end, continuously apologizing for being late yesterday.
“It’s fine dude,” I said, then asked if we could go on a walk—I felt like sucking him off one last time before he left town.
We followed the lake in the other direction and found a spot just off the trail so I blew him for a few minutes. It was short lived because it was too exposed, we wouldn’t have been able to spot people in time if they were to come around the corner. He wanted to walk over to the spot where we went skinny dipping which meant it would be a good hour walk there and back.
“I don’t have the patience for that right now,” I said bluntly.
I noticed how anxiety ridden I was as a seductress. Always on act, always on cue. Sometimes my true personality would show, the anger that would rise if I didn’t get what I wanted right that second.
I looked for a spot that was closer, eventually spotting a spur trail that led to the rocky shoreline. It was also close to the main trail, but the trees hid us just enough for me to finish the job. I took his hand and led him down towards where I visualized blowing him.
“Sit under the tree,” I demanded.
It seemed I took on a dominatrix persona when I was growing impatient for cock. I mounted him then placed my hand on his chest for balance as I began to grind my pussy on
I wanted to cut to the chase, sick of all the teasing. I opened up those black pants of his and pulled out his cock which was nearly purple and pumped with blood for me. I bit my lip. My mouth drooling from the very sight, I instinctually took it in my mouth, slobbering at the faint taste of piss. I could feel myself ejaculating with each deep breath he took and each pulse he made in my mouth.
“Oh, I’m cumming,” he said, only giving me about a minute to suck him off.
I drank in the sound of his moans and heavy breathing, placing it into my soul. I arched my back and spread my knees open into the dirt, feeling as if I was nearly getting fucked by his pleasure. He busted a thick load, some accidentally slipping from the corner of my mouth when he gave me one more unexpected spurt. I quickly slurped it up, licking the rest off my fingers. I felt excited knowing I was going to suck the face of the other guy tonight. Maybe he would pick up on the slight taste of this German guy’s cum, giving off subliminal competition.
“How old are you by the way?” I asked as I licked my lips.
“22,” he said.
Yikes. Each year I got older, I ended up with a guy a couple years younger. I was moving into dangerous territory.
When I made it back to the hostel I saw a cute guy setting up his tent. I had actually spotted him earlier in town but didn’t run out of the restaurant to say hi.
“Vow, a real thru-hiker,” he said in a thick European accent as he pointed out the massive hole in my shirt where my shoulder was.
That right there let me know he was a true thru-hiker himself due to how much he appreciated my hiker trash appearance.
He was a young Ukrainian man named Elvis, having just the AT left to complete his triple crown. He was beautiful to look at, reminded me of Voodoo. He had the same facial features and similar mannerisms, however not as pushy with his energy. He had the same hair except his more dirty blonde. He had numerous tattoos and the same body shape as V’s, nearly identical.
I told him I’d be hanging out in the lounge area and he came to join not long after. I was on the couch while he perched down on the floor in front of me. He had an interesting story about his life. He was only 33 and had been a lawyer for about 6 years. He battled with an apparent addiction to cocaine but was now two years sober, also just like V. He left that life behind to pursue long distance hiking. Walking in the woods and writing about his experience has helped him find himself in a healthier way.
“Now, I have less money but more freedom,” he said in a relaxed way.
He took my hand in his to look at my rings when suddenly I overheard William come home. I perked up to say hi while Elvis was sitting on the carpet looking up at me in awe, holding my hand and giving me compliments. He studied my facial expressions and the type of relationship I might have with William. I could tell he was a writer by the way he watched me. It was the same way I observed others.
I kept my conversation appearing casual for both men. I could tell William felt off put, but I didn’t feel bad. I mean, we had plans, but he never got those plans in motion so I found my sexual charge for him dwindling away.
I would’ve been so turned on if William would’ve just said, “Come in my room right now. You need to get fucked.” I wouldn’t even think, I would just find myself saying “yes sir” and walking right in. But I couldn’t spell it out for every guy. That would take the fun away for me. With me, men had to work fast and keep me interested, otherwise I would get bored and move on to the next one.
I made a diverted comment about going to dinner, then Elvis stood up, offered his hand and said, “Come on, lez go!”
He said it with such excitement and masculine lead that I couldn’t say no. I loved when a guy took charge. We took the bikes that the hostel provided and he guided us to the main town square.
Once there, we tried finding a spot to eat in which suited both of us. He was vegetarian and I was just picky. We ended up moving from restaurant to restaurant. At one point, we even got seated and ended up leaving because we both didn’t vibe with what was on the menu. I apologized to the host and let her know it had nothing to do with them.
Eventually we found a spot that reminded us of an American dive bar, specifically ones we came across in Wyoming on the CDT. At dinner, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He just reminded me so much of V but in a European kine way. The feeling of longing came up again. I was searching for V through every guy, but he wasn’t there. I was holding onto nothing.
Elvis had vampire teeth that I visualized him biting into my neck with. He caught me smiling and asked what I was thinking.
“Thinking about how cute you are,” I said.
He smiled and put his head down coyly. I turned it up a notch and made myself appear more playful, flirtatious, and happy. The key was to believe in my act. He looked deeply into my eyes and I masked the pain such like coating a layer of joyousness over them.
“You are so interesting,” he said, “so so interesting.”
He complimented my smile and grabbed my hand. I held it out for him daintily. I laughed a lot in his presence, appearing higher than life itself, but the moment he stepped away to buy himself a coke my smile disappeared. I took a sip of my water, then put my happy face back on when he started to turn his head around.
“Oh Freyja,” he said, nearly moaning my name.
“Mm, Elvis. Listen, I would love to stay but I did make plans with another guy tonight,” I said.
“I understand,” he said, keeping his cool in check.
For a moment I felt bad but then realized I had no reason to feel guilty. I was single, I just met this guy and unfortunately I had already made plans with someone else. However, Elvis could tell I would have rather stayed with him. We made excuses to keep talking, saying we had to wait out the rain and couldn’t cruise back until it was over.
“I don’t think it’s gonna stop for a while,” I said.
I was nearly getting ready to cancel plans with William as it felt a bit too complicated to see both of them, but I was a good girl so I stuck with my original plan.
Hesitatingly, we got back on our bikes after most of the rain had passed and started heading back to the hostel. He took us down backroads that made it take much longer, him knowing very well that I had plans with William. He teased me saying he would love to spend more time with me but that I had all these “plaaans.”
As we were riding back, I studied his body. The shape of him reminded me so much of V that I nearly convinced myself it was him. The resemblance was striking.
Why was I chasing him?
Why was I trying to catch a glimpse of what wasn’t real?
I had grown obsessed, but I wanted my dignity more than I wanted him. At least I would like to believe that. He wore nearly identical attire as him—base layer pants underneath his shorts paired with green socks. The way he moved was similar. It was as if I was hallucinating his scent. I had to remind myself it wasn’t him. Sometimes I felt the Universe was playing some kind of big joke on me.
Was I getting fucked with?
What was it all for?
I would settle for the ghost of V, even if it meant he would come as a faint memory in the form of another guy. My heart was in pain. Cutting the cords was an everyday practice. I prayed everyday to be released from his pull.
We dropped the bikes off next to a wall of pinecones they had in the shed.
“Wow!” I exclaimed, “there’s so many! I wonder if they’re being used for decoration.”
“Is being used for making fire,” he said.
“No, don’t say that,” I said.
The poor, precious pinecones. He ended up gifting me one later to save it from being used as kindling.
I went to sit on the couch to write before I met up with William. Elvis was in my presence writing, himself. Suddenly he stood up a bit quickly with the intention of shaking my hand. My first reaction was to flinch as if he was going to hit me.
That energy is still lingering, eh? I thought to myself.
He looked at me confusingly. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said, “you looked so scared. I vas jus going to say thank you for spending time vith me at dinner.”
I blinked my eyes to snap myself back into the present. I felt my face flush red. I felt embarrassed after the fact, but I reminded myself it simply showed the subconscious fear that was still playing out.
Night came and I was now sitting in between both of the guys I wanted to fuck. I was plotting a way in which I could receive both of them. I gave William clear signs I was ready to get fucked and that I wanted him to take me to his room, but energetically I could feel he changed his mind for whatever reason.
We left the group for a moment and met up in the kitchen. “It’s not going to happen today,” he said.
I definitely traumatized or intimidated him in some way. I felt that was going to be the case, especially after he saw me flirting with Elvis. Instead, he went on with a list of random excuses while I thought of all the solutions in my mind.
“It was a long day and I’m tired.”
You could’ve taken a nap.
“Plus it’s your time of the month.”
It’s just blood.
“And I forgot to buy condoms.”
You had all day to buy some.
I rolled my eyes, all the while thinking how he could’ve told me way earlier so I could’ve shifted my own plans around instead of waiting on him. I hated when people made bullshit excuses with me. I was very intuitive and could sense the slightest of energy shifts and whitest of lies. It was clear he was pulling shit out of his ass and overthinking the whole thing.
At the bare minimum, he probably thought I was ridden with STD’s after having asked me numerous times yesterday how many people I fucked, when and if I got tested. I often ran into guys where they would think there was some sort of catch if I came off so easy and forward.
My internal work on the other hand was to let go of things that were shifting, specifically when it came down to sex. When I was horny I would often act out on the feeling of needing to be filled and when I didn’t get that I would turn into a cold hard bitch. I could be so hot for someone, so desperate for their cock, but after a moment like that everything would turn off like a switch for me. I liked being treated like a princess but fucked like a whore. I was a spoiled brat at my finest.
So, I did what I do best and shut off my emotions for the time being. I threw on my down jacket, snuck out the door that was in my bunk room, walked through the garden and to Elvis’s tent.
“Elvis?” I whispered.
“Yes,” he said as he rustled around. “Who is it?”
“Who’s ‘me’?”
He began unzipping his tent then let me in. All smiles on both ends. I laid on his mat.
“Is it okay if I lay here?” I asked after I was already settled inside his sleeping bag.
“Of course,” he said, “you’re my guest.”
He grabbed my wet feet from having ran through the garden, then slipped his warm down booties on me. He laid down beside me on the floor.
“You know, you’re the first one I’ve ever allowed in my tent,” he said.
“Mm,” I said, “I feel so special.”
I felt sad, lonely. I had a hard time holding eye contact with him for an extended period of time for I didn’t want him to catch how dead I really felt. I let him know through the downward movement of my eyes to his lips that I wanted to be kissed, so he moved in close and began to meet my lips with his.
I could feel he thought I was moving too fast and not taking my time. I was on fire, getting heated just by our European lips touching. I began to moan, biting his bottom lip as I unzipped the sleeping bag to bring his body closer to mine.
“You are so interesting, Freyja,” he said to me again.
He became all lovey dovey with me, grabbing my hand and placing it on his heart, slowly inviting me to breathe with him. In that moment I grew filled with rage. I wanted to grind his affection to dust. I didn’t want it. Something about it made me cringe. Couldn’t he tell I wanted aggression? The love, the sweetness, the caressing of my body was too much for me to take. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel I was being called to lift into softness and something inside of me was repulsed by the very idea.
Again, he met me with sweetness and delicacy. He began to gently caress my cheek with the back of his hand. I jerked my head away, showing him that I didn’t want his affection. I had so much pent up sexual energy that I felt I was on the verge of fury and attack. He went back to caress my cheek, so I bit the side of his thumb, throwing his hand off to the side and removing his other hand off my heart. I let out a sigh of annoyance, offering nothing other than a look of frustration for him not being able to read me.
“Vat is it?” he asked. “Tell me.”
“I want you to touch me,” I voiced.
And so he did. Gently, he worked his way down my body, stroking his fingertips between my hairy bush and parting my pussy lips. I let him know I was menstruating.
“Shh,” he whispered, “just go vith ze flow and enjoy ze moment. Be present vith me.”
I took his hand out and brought it up to my lips then sucked on his finger. He smiled then went back to business with some extra lubrication, teasing the opening of my yoni, ceasing to give me the entire length of his finger.
I began moaning as he moved up and down my slippery slit, happily surprised that he found my clit so easily. I began shaking drastically, finally getting touched the way I wanted to be, the way I needed to be. I loved a man who would do what I wanted him to do. My eyes rolled back as he picked up the pace, moaning in sync as if he was about to cum himself.
“Stick your finger all the way in,” I begged as I forced his hand further down.
“Two fingers,” he whispered, rolling his r’s in that sexy European accent.
Normally I only wanted one finger, but I felt like being totally gone from the world that was in my mind so I allowed it. He made his way in, spreading me apart. One inch…two…finally, three. My eyes rolled back as I lost vision of my surroundings. I started pushing back but he grabbed me by the hips, pulling me closer and holding me down. The pulses in my body coursed through me… the pleasure felt unbearable.
I sat up and used the same force to take his hand out of my pussy, crying out in orgasmic bliss as I fell onto my back, gushing and heavily squirting all over him and the floor of his tent. Everything blurred as I rolled over onto my side shaking from an afterglow of pleasure, proceeding to apologize for getting my juices everywhere.
“Don’t worry about it,” he said as he wiped his hand with a piece of clothing. “I knew vat I vas in for.”
Fuck, it turned me on so much that he didn’t care about making a mess and the fact that he was so confident in his skills, knowing just how to pleasure me. He grabbed my tits and began to play with my nipples, groaning as he made them even more erect.
“Les go in ze shower,” he said.
Eh, the tent was much more my vibe but I said okay anyways. I got out then ran through the wet grass again. I opened the back door of the house then walked through the kitchen, smiling with excitement for I was about to get rammed by a hot Ukrainian guy.
Kasper was sitting on the couch. He saw me and smiled. I waved at him. Elvis was right behind him in the dark, however they didn’t see each other yet. I gave Elvis the ‘come hither’ finger, however I made it seem like it could’ve been for Kasper, too. Elvis gave him a head nod and Kasper shook his head in disbelief when he saw him follow me into the bathroom. I liked when people watched me in the act of misbehaving.
He turned on the shower to mask any noise we were about to make. He began kissing me, grazing his hand along my neck and collarbone, flirting with the idea of choking me.
“Tell me,” he said again.
I led his fingers back down. He moved me under the shower head then found my clit. I started shaking at his touch, the weight of my body melting into his arms. I had nearly fallen to the floor as the intensity of pleasure began to rise, but he held me up and continued to toy with my clit.
Abruptly, he lifted me all the way up and turned me around to face the wall. I longingly shoved my ass towards his cock, missing him so much already. He jerked off to the side of my ass cheek, then shoved his cock into my cunt. Instinctively, he wrapped his hand around my neck and began choking me out.
“Mm, Freyja,” he moaned.
“Yes?” I asked.
“I jus like saying your name,” he said, “I like ze way it sounds, ze way it rolls off my lips.”
I tilted my head innocently, then looked back down as I took in the force of his penetration. I held onto the rails near the shower as he fucked me so hard I nearly fainted. I made the water cold, then turned my head around to look at him. A strict vegetarian who offered me the kine of eyes that would be given to an animal he was about to destroy—using only his teeth.
He pulled me up by the hair then stuck his tongue down my throat as he continued to fuck me. I loved that he was unleashing that hidden primal aggression. He was about to cum so I got on my knees and began sucking him off, enjoying the slight taste of iron blood on his cock. I blew him until he came in my mouth and, for the first time in all my years of sucking cock, I accidentally choked on a guy’s cum. I think what happened was that I tried to breathe and swallow at the same time. We both started laughing because I was coughing really loud and my eyes were deep red from tears.
After we finished, I told him I wanted to sleep in separate beds. I felt sad and guilty. The feeling began to override me, so I listened to Wisdom Dialogues which put my mind at peace in seconds just hearing Hope’s voice. So odd how I wanted deep emotional connection, yet I didn’t allow it for myself—a battle I seemed to continuously face.