Almost every morning, I start my day reading A Course in Miracles. It feels like a stillness in the midst of the sexual pattern. As if in that moment, the only thing I’m thinking about is God. I remember that these games are meaningless and that everything is okay. That is, until the temptation of an attractive man appears and all of what I practiced goes out the window.
Earlier today, I walked behind Kaden and Hook talking about some chick’s ass, and all of a sudden I felt no guilt using all of these guys for my own sexual gratification. Hell, I’m the same way with them when I look at them as walking cocks so I’m sure they view me as no less than a walking pocket pussy. Other than the thru-hiking guys, I find most of the dudes here to be quite trashy, yet here I am begging to be fucked by them, because well, I feel I have to work with what I got with where I’m at. And I’m not in a state to accept celibacy as an option or fingering myself throughout the day to keep myself in check. It was always better when a guy took care of that for me.
Dots came into the laundry room later in the day. We had some short-lived girl talk to which she warned me about the two black guys and Hook.
“They are going to be running through all the girls here because that’s what they did in the previous season.”
Good for me, I thought to myself, that way I know they won’t try to make anything serious of it.
Russ wanted to meet up, so he told me to slip into his room when I got off my shift.
“If you’re trying to fuck me,” I said, “I prefer that being done in the woods. Somewhere public, against the tree.”
“So let’s take a walk,” he said.
“I want Dylan to come, too.”
There was a long silence before he said he wanted a one on one first, followed by “hear me out.” I rolled my eyes. Why do guys complicate things? It’s only sex. Don’t look at your friend’s dick if it makes you uncomfortable. I found myself getting upset and went to the lodge before I went over to meet him. Dylan was sitting on the couch. He saw me and shook his head in disapproval, having heard what I said.
“Can’t believe you,” he said.
I sat next to him. “The offer still stands,” I said.
By his body language, I could tell he was thrown off guard by my bluntness.
“I’m super flattered,” he said, “and I’m down, but Russ needs it more right now. Do it for him.”
I gave him a pouty face, actually feeling sad that I found it so hard, yet again, to have more than one guy at the same time. Although sad, at least I would be getting laid tonight. I walked over to Brown Town and saw Russ on the balcony. I told him to give me 20 minutes as I really wanted to get horizontal for a second.
“Take your time, sweetheart,” he said.
I laid down on my bed. I wasn’t tired, I just needed to calm my sex drive. I had felt ready all day—for anyone that would make the slightest move on me. I felt a fire building in me, as if I would come on too strong if I didn’t get somewhat settled.
I walked up the steps to his room and knocked on the door. He opened it straight away as he was in the middle of putting his pants on. He finished up, then met me in the parking lot. He walked toward the road and I skipped around the puddles to connect over to his side.
“So, you say people are afraid of me?” I asked.
He chuckled as he put his hand on the back of his neck. He was a lot more shy now that he didn’t have a bunch of alcohol in his system.
“Yeah,” he goes, “you just have this extreme sexual energy. You look at the guys as if you could destroy them. Your energy has ‘maneater’ written all over it.”
“Mm,” I moaned, “I like that. So, are you going to be cool?” I asked as we meandered into the dense forest off the main track.
I could feel by his vibe that he would be fine, or at least act like it since he knew where I stood.
He said, “I do not give a shit. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Fuck whoever you please, I do not care.”
I also wanted the guys to feel comfortable doing the same and not feel like I was going to get all clingy on them. Truthfully, they weren’t my type. No one here was. When I actually felt an emotional/spiritual connection with someone, I found I would actually try my hardest not to sleep with them. For now, I would find something I liked in each guy and focus hard on that one thing as everything else about them blurred.
For Kaden, it was his eyes.
Russ, it was his arms.
Dylan, his beard.
The list goes on…
During the walk, he told me that he wasn’t going to fuck me just yet because he hadn’t masturbated for a month and just needed to cum.
“If I were to fuck you, I would cum in two seconds,” he said.
All the while I’m thinking, I don’t give a fuck, I just want to cross you off the list.
I let out a breath of despair, annoyed that I wasn’t going to get laid again. I knew I had more of a chance getting dick if I actually acted more lady-like and less ‘out there,’ however forcing myself to act different than I was was not an option for me. I didn’t resonate with altering my natural expression for those who couldn’t handle the force of it.
Regardless, he still gave me the bare minimum and it was enough for me. After all, it wasn’t my pleasure that was the priority, it was his. He played with my pussy sporadically on the walk there then showed me some pre-cum that was leaking out from the tip of his dick. Yummy. We sat on a bench that was in a really public spot. He turned his head and looked around, then whipped out his meaty cock for me to get a tease taste.
Then, we snuck off behind a tree that barely covered us. It was not far from the main trail. There, I dropped my knees into the wet moss. Damp tree stumps and flimsy lichen covered branches surrounded us. He didn’t really like being in the woods, I could tell. For one, he said it felt dirty and he didn’t like the ‘crumbs.’ I was so turned off and unimpressed. I started longing for dirty thru-hikers more than ever, especially having just came from New Zealand where nobody gave a fuck about being knee-deep in mud all day, let alone getting fucked after the fact.
Still, I did my job. I began sucking, enjoying the feeling of him growing in my mouth. Something about that feeling felt so right for me, like I knew it was part of my calling to suck random dudes dick’s then write about how I found God through it.
“Next time don’t shower,” I said.
The longer without being ‘clean’ the better. I craved the musky, raw taste of a man rather than hints of soap and fragrance.
I shoved my face underneath his balls, inhaling as much of his pheromones as I could find. I looked up at him as I sucked on each ball individually then both at the same time. Suddenly, semen burst from the top of his cock that I struggled to swallow. I let his unstoppable pleasure pulse through me as if it were my own. I liked sucking him off more than Kaden for the fact that he gave me way more cum. I almost choked, but tried really hard not to because I wanted to show him I could be a good girl and take excess amounts of his load.
I wiped the cum off the corners of my mouth and he went in to kiss me but then stopped himself because I still had some slippery remnants on my chin. That rubbed me the wrong way. V would have never rejected me because of cum on my face. He was the type that would’ve stuck his tongue down my throat even if I was wearing my period blood as lipstick.
We started walking back. He told me how angry he’s been since he hasn’t ejaculated.
“You can take your anger out on me any time,” I voiced.
“Mm, good. Who else do you want to hook up with?” he asked.
“Your roommate,” I said, momentarily forgetting his name.
He chuckled and goes, “Oh I know.”
“Did he tell you?” I asked.
“Yeah, he told me how you sucked him off in the employee closet.”
I was surprised, I didn’t think guys talked about that stuff, but it made me so hot to think about them talking about the filthy things I’ve done. I hoped they were absolutely disgusted with my behavior. I also found it funny how they were two good friends yet acted so differently sexually. Kaden seemed more aggressive and observant of what I needed whereas Russ seemed a little more submissive and unsure of his moves.
So then, I went over to Axle’s place for a bit to hang out. He made me a sausage dog because I just missed the tacos they had at the EDR, which apparently were really good. I pulled out one of Russ’s pubes that I found lodged in my teeth—acted like nothing happened but celebrated it in my mind as my little trophy.
The other day, I caught Axle turning around to look at me when I walked by, hopefully it was to stare at my ass. In general, he was looking at me differently, as if curious about what it might be like to take me on. Or maybe, he was also one of those that was starting to get frightened by me. I would never say no to him. I fantasized about how much fun we would have together. Two people that had an unhealthy relationship with sex were often the ones who fucked the best. Mm, I could only imagine that thick beard of his soaking up the scent of my pussy. I could tell he’d be the type that would watch me intensely while slipping himself into me. My eyes grew sultry as I was trying to keep a civil conversation with him. Oo, but I couldn’t stop wondering. My imagination was starting to feel like it has been altering my reality. My fantasies felt so real in my own mind that I found I could get off to the images of the dreams alone.
I saw Dax as I was walking to my room, having just returned safely from his kayaking/backpacking trip. When I made eye contact with him, I immediately knew that he knew. We hugged as he finished getting his stuff together. Shortly after, he joined Vance on their porch then invited me up to drink some beers. I liked how people hung out on their balcony here. It reminded me of how people in Chicago would sit outside on their porch steps while drinking a beer wrapped inside a brown paper bag.
I found out Vance was gay when he mentioned he had a man back on the mainland. I kind of figured due to the way he expressed himself and how open he was. I found gay guys either loved or hated me, no in-between. Vance seemed to enjoy my presence, as both of us had an easy time ping ponging raunchy jokes off one another.
Suddenly, Dax tells me he got me a present!
I lit up and exclaimed, “Oh my God! You did?!”
He pulled out a cup of flowers, full of various kine wildflowers, mini pinecones, dandelions, and strawberry leaves that he handpicked on his trip.
Oh, God, I thought to myself, I don’t think he was able to handle the comment.
The other day I had told Georgina to fuck with him by casually making a comment that I wanted to blow him, then to go on talking about something else. I mean, it was true, I did want to suck him off but I was instantly regretting it as he revealed more signs of being ‘the polite guy.’
He says, “I saw some pretty flowers and I thought of you.”
I hugged him and thanked him. I really did love them, just wasn’t the kind of gift I was looking for from him. I would’ve preferred ropes or better yet, his load.
Vance teased him for his romantic move then said, “You’re so sweet. Soon, all the guys will be bringing in flowers for Freyja.”
Doubt that. Once they find out about me they’ll be bringing me threats, not flowers.
Vance leaned over to Dax and whispered, “I don’t know if you know about Freyja, or have heard about her, but she is a dominatrix.”
Dax looked absolutely mortified.
“Oh, my God,” I butted in, laughing hysterically. “No I am not,” I said, “I’m the complete opposite.”
“Really?” Vance asked, surprised at the fact. “You’re submissive?”
“100%,” I said.
Well, maybe not 100%. I did tend to push my lovers to the very edge, often not following commands I was given in hopes they would react and put me in my place—hard.
So, they showed me around their room. Vance pointed out a hole in the wall that he joked was a gloryhole. “Dax, now’s your chance to use it.” Dax and I both laughed, saying we would rather take a real life person.
I started getting sleepy so went back downstairs to my room.
Georgina looked at me and asked, “Who gave you the flowers?”
“Dax.”
I did NOT hear the end of it for the rest of the night.
“It’s my fault because I made the comment that you were interested in him sexually,” she said.
“Oh, that’s totally fine,” I said, “I was the one that suggested it and gave you permission to tell him.”
“True. The rumors about you have gotten around fast,” she said.
“Trust me, I know,” I said.
Avon and Tanner, her coworkers, both brought me up a couple of times, asking how they could find my blog.
She goes, “I asked Tanner, ‘Why? Are you interested?’”
He goes, “I mean, yeah, but I can’t do anything because I have a situation with a girl back home.”
“Oh, for how long?” she asked.
“Three years.”
Georgina laughed and said, “He even called her ‘gal pal.’”
Oh geez.
“Anyways, everyone knows everything,” she said.
I could feel a storm brewing. I couldn’t keep myself contained for long, not if there were potential men I was interested in. Soon enough, I would break. But the truth is, nobody actually knows shit about me. I’m just the new hiker girl that writes about her erotic experiences. In the end, no one knows the battles I faced, how I grew up or the experiences I went through in my life. They only saw the very tip of the iceberg. Still, I could sense what was coming. I had no control over it, but I knew things were about to be shaky.
Before we fell asleep, Georgina says, “You know, it’s really funny how probably every guy here thinks that they’re using you, but you have this entire thing orchestrated.”
