Today was a long day at work for me. I felt like a zombie moving on autopilot. During lunch break, Juozas joined me for a walk around the loop instead of grabbing a bite to eat. He was flirty, throwing out the usual comments about wanting to see my tits.
“Well, it’s not any fun if you’re going to look but not touch,” I said.
I find it cute how flustered he gets around my comments. He asks me all the time to show him what I write about him, however it’s not much. I flat out told him he doesn’t have the same effect on me as Kaden does. He’s sexy and I would totally bang him, but he feels more like a brother to me. He just doesn’t really intimidate me in the way I would need someone to.
“You’re cute,” I said, “but Kaden is sexy. Like I feel he could murder me.” I wondered why that made me smile but getting a bouquet of flowers made me cringe.
“I can be intimidating and demanding if it needs to be done,” he said.
“I’d like to see that.”
Then, he became really straightforward with me. “Listen, Godule, I really love flirting with you but that’s all it will ever be. You are a friend to me. I have a girlfriend and to be honest I’m just not interested in you like that. I like dark skinned girls, and girls that are completely shaven.”
I had so much respect for people who were just upfront. I appreciate honesty more than anything else as I didn’t really get to see that much in my life. Juozas knew where I stood with men and that I liked all different kinds/types, but shaving is where I drew the line. I couldn’t hook up with a guy that was shaven bare nor could I come to terms with stripping myself of any body hair. It feels like I would be hooking up with a prepubescent boy and I, myself, would feel like a 6 year old girl.
Then he begins to tell me I need a psychiatrist to heal me from my nymphomania.
“I’m not a nymph,” I said, “that would mean I would be sleeping around with just any—“
He interrupted, “Fuuuck, you are a nymph. There’s no doubt. You are a fucking nymph, and you have a deep, psychological problem that you need to fix.”
The entire time he was passing me this information, I could not stop laughing. Derogatory comments also made me smile and were interpreted in my mind as a compliment. I fantasized about how hot his face would look between my breasts, looking up at me and muffling the words “dirty nymph.” I continued to watch him talk out his philosophies all the while I batted my eyes at him. As if he caught my thoughts out loud, he began to stutter and trip over his sentences.
“You can’t look at me like that, with those eyes,” he said.
We laughed again, at our inability to control our behavior. It felt like we were both throwing more fuel to each other’s fire. Regardless of it not going anywhere, I felt really glad I could be my true self around him. I could talk dirty, be super raunchy and know it wouldn’t scare him off/make him uncomfortable as it did most people. No expectations, no games, just us playing off of each other’s personality types. It feels liberating because I act this way with every single person I meet, even if I’m not attracted to them. The downside is my personality often gets taken out of context and then I feel I have to ‘tone it down’ around certain people.
Juozas let me go near the lodge to go back to work and as usual high-fived me as his way of saying goodbye. The Dominican girls came back after cleaning some rooms and told me to wear gloves when I washed the next load of towels. Apparently the people in the room they just fixed up had just finished having sex.
“How do you know?” I asked.
They pulled out their phones to show pictures of pillows that were placed behind the bed frame to avoid it from hitting the wall.
Clay goes, “Oftentimes there are vibrators and dildos laying around.”
Yanira puts her hands up and goes, “Is housekeeping.”
I thought it was freaking hilarious. I also couldn’t believe I never knew putting pillows behind bed frames was a thing! I guess I just always let the bed slam into the wall because I enjoyed people hearing me get fucked. Yanira asked me to grab the scissors off the wall for her so that she could cut Clay’s hair in the back office.
“Come on, baby Clay,” she said as she snipped the scissors in the air.
Around 3:45 pm, Dubu showed up to surprise me. It felt good to be around him which was a sure sign I would be spending more time with him. I based my interactions/how I spent my time by following what felt inspiring and like a ‘yes’ in my energy field. It was how I was guided and navigated around the world. Even if it leads to hardships along the way, I know it is needed for my growth spiritually. So, I’m excited for what’s to come.
“When do you get off work?” he asked.
“5.”
“Well, just in case you don’t have any plans, I want to take you out to dinner at Moose Lane Lodge.”
He was so thoughtful. I was so excited by the idea and really wanted to say yes, however I had already made dinner plans at our lodge with one of the maintenance workers.
“Can we please raincheck?” I asked.
“Of course, Freyja.”
The short time I spent with Dubu, I had an interesting insight that for some reason occurred while being around his presence. I was sitting in the laundry room, thinking to myself how I could easily drop these sexual acts at any time. I think that’s why I find it so humorous when people tell me I ‘have’ an addiction, as if it is a part of me or an aspect of myself that I cannot control. The thing is, we ‘keep’ things because we want them. We want these experiences, otherwise we would drop them in an instant the moment we allowed recognition for the truth. Patterns of thought would fall away effortlessly if we truly valued choosing to see past the world more than keeping the world itself. We cannot have both. We cannot serve God while also serving the ego. We must pick.
We’re scared to let go of the world’s chaotic games because we think it adds some sort of joy/meaning in our day to day lives. But the thing that is scared (the ego) is also made up by our own thinking and can be undone. I see how I keep moving towards men/sex, actively convincing myself I ‘need’ it to feel good and get by in the world, but then I’ll recognize it isn’t true. It goes back and forth like that until it is fully seen. I’ve been on this thought loop for some time now and I know it only goes so far, but the weight is shifting. The game is definitely losing its appeal, that is very obvious to me, yet I am still allowing myself to explore that path with less and less resistance/judgment.
Another thing I find interesting is that when you grow aware that all of the apparent ‘addictions’ are bullshit, the ego tests you and tries to find the areas in which you’re weak. For instance, with sex, I feel as if I have a lot more opportunities come my way, as if I am being tempted to take the bait. The sexual fantasies in my mind even appear more lively and delicious, as if following the daydreams nearly feels just as good as the actual experience. Sex itself has even grown to feel much better and the orgasms appear to come easier. It’s as if the ego is using its last attempts to convince me that I need it, for how could something that feels so good be not of God? And that’s where we trick ourselves. Remember, we made the game and it is over when we say it’s over. But also keep in mind that it is a very convincing illusion that requires gentleness and willingness to see through it. Despite being the magician that’s in charge of it, we fall for our own tricks and traps all of the time. It’s like we cast the spell on ourselves and then try to look for who the culprit is by projecting the answer outward. In that way, by projecting it, we made the whole world.
So, I said goodbye to Dubu, then changed into a different outfit and met up with the guy for dinner. He wasn’t really my friend, but I was feeling open to converse and eat. Out of all the people to serve us, we got seated in Russ’s section. I was still feeling a sense of annoyance around him, but that quickly changed when we made eye contact. I know I said I wouldn’t sleep with him after what apparently occurred, but I was WAY too horny to not have sex with someone. My ‘date’ caught the gleam in my eye that was meant for someone who wasn’t him. I could tell he got off put by it but still stuck it out with me anyways. I knew his intention was to get with me, but I wasn’t interested in him like that.
Before I went to bed, I called my dad to wish him Happy Fathers Day. Shit was too funny.
Out of excitement to share the latest news, I said, “Dad, I am going to Africa.”
There was a long pause, until finally in his Lithuanian accent he goes, “No.” It was as if he was trying his hardest to hold back all of the things he wanted to say. I busted out laughing and he continued, “No, you are not. That is that. Alaska is enough.”
It was so cute. I can definitely see how I test his patience. It must not be easy to be the father of a daughter like me, but I truly cannot help the way that I appear to move around the world. I longed to be an explorer since I could remember but with that often came my family trying to get me to stay put.