Today was rough for me. I wanted to ask for a day off since I was at the peak of my moon cycle and I felt in a very high emotional state. If I were to speak to anyone, I would most definitely cry. I was scheduled to serve but wanted nothing more than to hide underneath the covers.
I put on my uniform. It was obvious I looked uncomfortable through my body language. I was hunched over, hands in front of me, looking down at the floor. I felt exposed. I didn’t want to be seen. I found myself beginning to disassociate—I was growing tired of doing that just to get by another day.
I felt I couldn’t approach people for the life of me. It brought me back to my high school days when I would request to take a zero rather than go up in front of the class to do a speech. I psyched myself out completely. Chip was also experiencing intense anxiety so the owner took over orders in the meantime. To say I was embarrassed was an understatement, but it was where I was at mentally. Ollie told me to just act, to put on a persona of being hospitable and friendly. All the while I felt like my vagina was in so much pain I was about to hit someone.
The menu only had 6-7 things on there so it wasn’t a matter of difficulty. I think where I got uncomfortable was not feeling okay with appearing stupid in the eyes of others. When guests began asking questions about what ingredients were in what or needed clarification on words in the menu that were not in English, I started to get panicky. It’s so weird to me how I can be in charge of owning a business and do other things that people can’t comprehend, but then my mind will go blank in other realms.
It got pretty busy only for about an hour, then it started chilling out. I still felt like crying the entire time but I put on a good front. The chefs were really sarcastic so I had a very hard time understanding their comments. There was a moment when I got triggered because Armor made some mini donut looking things that looked absolutely mouthwatering to me, especially during the heat of my moon. He offered one to Elian in front of me then brought the rest to another coworker who ate most of them. The same moment Armor and I stepped into the kitchen, he slid the remaining desserts into the compost. My shoulders shrugged and my eyes welled up.
“I was about to take one,” I cried.
“Well, you gotta say something faster!”
I think he meant it playfully, but I just felt invisible and overlooked. Eventually, they brought back the leftover cookies into the kitchen and I asked if I could have one.
“Of course, Freyja,” Armor said.
I take one bite and then he begins to berate me, telling me that there are strict rules in place and that I’m not allowed to eat in the kitchen, especially while on the clock.
“I’m not good at following rules,” I joked in an attempt to break the tension.
He wasn’t amused by my comment. “You have to control the things you say around here,” he said.
I flat out told him I could not do that. I’m a very blunt, ‘freedom of speech’ kine person, and I don’t like having things about my behavior controlled, not even in a work environment.
A couple minutes later I walked in on him in the kitchen shoving a cookie into his mouth.
“Armor,” I began, “what happened to ‘there are rules in place that we have to follow?’”
He licked the remaining crumbs off his fingers and said, “Mm, Freyja, yes, let’s talk about this. There are rules that are in place, just like in America there are laws that are written that are meant to be followed. As I’m sure you know, some people are able to get away with breaking those laws.” He grabbed another cookie and took a bite. “No one ever said it was a fair system.”
“Mm-mhm,” I said, rolling my eyes and walking out.
Near the end of the day, I was beat. I really wanted nothing more than to lay down and be bathed in complete darkness. Jayson had other plans, such as showing his excitement for the swiffer, talking about how he was going to order three more. Then he decided 10pm would be a great time to deep clean the kitchen doors, behind the refrigerators and underneath the mats. He reminded me of my dad in the sense he always helped with mundane tasks, never feeling ‘better than’ or ‘above’ any of it. However, when I saw him on his knees, cleaning the underside of the kitchen door, then vacuuming dirt in random crevices of the kitchen, it was the moment I realized nobody really gives a shit or cares as much about somebody else’s business as much as the person who owns it does.
Also like my father, Jayson had the same calm demeanor. He seemed he could take a lot on his plate without letting his emotions get the best of him. When I was alone with him, I asked, “Jayson, you own this top of the line lodge, can I ask how you keep yourself so composed?” I was looking for advice that I could apply to my own business. I noticed I had a short temper when it came to having employees and I wanted to work on that.
As if waiting for this question all his life, he dropped what he was doing, then walked up to me and said, “Easy. I just think of my most traumatic life experiences, then I take the situation I find so difficult right now and compare it to that moment. Then I realize everything else is so minuscule in comparison. I realize I can handle it—no problem. Someone doesn’t like the way their steak was cooked or doesn’t like the way something was served? That’s really no big deal in comparison to the traumas I had.”
The apparent trauma he was referring to was his wife leaving him, having slept with their neighbor, then moved five states away.
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