Today, I went on a short few mile hike. Behind the lodge, there was a path that led through the forest that eventually connected to a dirt road which took me all the way to the Upper Falls. I decided to save the Lower Falls trek for a different day. I saw moose prints and then a black cub! It looked like it was carrying something in its mouth but it was hard to tell as it skipped around the corner when it saw me. I noticed myself getting nervous. I began to tiptoe as I felt my adrenaline rise. I probably should’ve made noise rather than becoming quieter, but I low key wanted to run into it again.
The falls themselves were just spectacular. The cascading water was tucked between the pine trees but too distant to touch. I soaked up the scene and pondered if anyone had hiked the mountains in the backdrop beyond it. The overlook was deemed perfect for meditating on my ACIM lessons, along with prayer/contemplation of life and philosophizing. God, my philosophy teacher from college would love me now, rather than the dumb blonde bimbo chick I was making myself out to be back then. I remember coming into that classroom with my high heels clacking, rolling my eyes, giving inclination that another hour of my life was about to be wasted. Now look at me. Philosophizing my life away.
I made it back home before my shift. Mallory came into the lobby as I was writing to tell me how grateful she was to have me here. “Jayson is super happy to have you here, too. We are just both so appreciative over what you have contributed.”
I blushed, put my hands on my heart and said, “I am just so grateful to be here. Thank you so much for this opportunity.”
“You have such a positive energy, I love it!” she said. She reminded me that we are all wholly deserving of appreciation and connection with others.
Tonight, she put Jasmine and I on for serving the night shift.
I joked, “I like how you picked the two quietest, most introverted people here.”
Mallory had a way of seeing gifts in people, including us two who were seemingly having difficulty finding our worth. She sat us down and walked us through in baby steps of how to serve. Her gentleness and confidence in us really helped calm the anxiety. She said we both had incredible personalities and to let those personalities shine to the customers.
She became all giddy and giggly, feeling stoked to push us out of our nest. “I feel like I’m watching my little girls grow up,” she exclaimed as she hugged us, adamant about making it feel like family here.
When it came time to serve, I expressed to Armor that I was feeling nervous.
He goes, “Freyja, I’m not nervous, and you know why?” He looked me dead in the eyes. “Because I believe in you. If I can do it, I know you can do it. I know you’re going to be great out there.”
He was so interesting to me. I had never met another like him. He’s very monotone and his facial expressions tend to stay neutral. He seems to not be able to pick up on social cues either. Everyone here in general has really fucking weird personalities that I’ve been having trouble deciphering. Now I understood what Axle meant by people being uncomfortable by what they do not know.
I found my main difficulty with tables was still with the drink orders because I had no idea how to pronounce the wines and beers. It’s also really fancy here in the sense that if a table requests wine, I have to pour a slight amount in their glass for them to taste before I give them the full amount. The other thing I found difficult was the payment and the way I had to input everything into the computer system. My mind just went blank in the technology department. But I know with practice it’ll get better.
Then, I had to voice the food orders to Armor, so the very first order I took, I said, “Can you please get me two chowders?”
He stood in front of me as if he was about to start a battle, then demanded I address him by his title ‘chef.’ I blinked, waiting for the punchline. He continued to wait while I felt a deep annoyance come up.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Yes.”
I had thoughts circling like rapid fire:
I’m glad I never gave a shit about my name or title. I don’t even care if people mispronounce my name. Do you know how many people accidentally call me Gouda? For fucks sake, I’m used to the title ‘dirty cunt whore’ or ‘cum slut.’ It’s just a fucking name. Obviously, this is my first table and you can tell I am nervous as fuck, can you give me a break?
“Okay… Chef,” I said through clenched teeth, then proceeded with the order.
After the energy calmed, Jasmine and I waited for our orders to come out. We began laughing about something and I remember thinking how nice it felt to laugh—it had been a while.
Then, Arbor broke us out of it. “Stop! It is very unprofessional to be giggling,” he said.
I turned to him and said, “As a customer, I would absolutely love to be watching two people in that state of happiness. If anything, I would be extra drawn to them.”
He ignored the comment, then grabbed a piece of paper and wrote the word ‘halibut’ on it. Underneath, he listed a countdown of 6 so that we could cross off anytime someone ordered it as we only had so many. I drew a small heart on the ‘i’ of the word ‘halibut.’
“Stop,” he said as he took the paper from me.
During supper break, I went upstairs to lay down. Rosa asked how I liked the food here and I told her I felt spoiled in comparison to Glacier Bay. Today, we had crab legs for lunch. She believed it to be really important for her to feed her people and to feed them well.
“That’s the way to keep people happy,” she said.
“Yeah, I don’t miss the lodge’s food one bit,” I said, “I’ve been gaining weight here from how much I’m eating and I’m not even mad because I actually feel good.”
“Just don’t brag about it,” she said, “leave things simple when you talk about it to your friends. Allow your aura to speak for itself for it’s not humble otherwise.”
I rolled over on my side, revealing through my body language that I didn’t want to go back to work. The breaks always went by way too fast.
Rosa says, “Only seven people to serve today! Easy!”
I let out a sigh as I expressed to her that it was a lot for me.
She appeared annoyed. “Do not be afraid. Be social instead. They’re just people,” she said. “You can’t be alone all of the time. You need to be more extroverted. ”
“I know,” I said, “I just don’t feel like talking sometimes. It’s weird because when I’m traveling, I love approaching people and conversing with them. I don’t feel any anxiety from it. Yet here, it feels like a different setting. It seems to take all of my energy to approach people.”
“You ah traveling!” she said, “change your perspective. You’re in a different state, aren’t you? You’re in Gustavus, Alaska! Look at where you ah!”
Silly as that may have sounded, it actually helped shift my perspective.
“I also feel like I don’t fit in here,” I said. Which is weird because it really seems like I would. “I feel like Ollie and Armor most definitely hate me.”
“No one hates you,” she said. “You just seem unapproachable because you’re extremely aloof. Is that the correct word?”
I think she meant reserved. I agreed that I have been very to myself, but explained that when I feel safe/comfortable, and the sense that I am fully welcome, I am actually very bubbly. Here, I feel like I keep getting put down anytime I try to express myself. It’s a subtle energy play but I feel it.
For instance, yesterday a large part of the staff was making pizza. I asked, “Ollie, do you know if they’ll bring the pizza out for supper or if we’re going to go to the house?”
In the most condescending tone, he goes, “I don’t know, why don’t you walk over to the house and ask them?!”
For one, I was just trying to make conversation because I knew I had been pretty quiet. For two, he knew I couldn’t walk all the way there during work hours. It’s really small stuff like that that just makes me retreat even further.
“Why aren’t you more vocal with them?” she asked.
I never was that type. I would prefer to let people be as they are naturally while I distanced myself if I didn’t resonate. Normally, I don’t mind, especially when I know I won’t see those people again, but the fact that I will just makes me go quiet. I really don’t like putting energy into people where it’s not reciprocated.
“I just feel like anytime I put my bubbly self out there, I get shut down,” I said. My voice began shaking and I started crying as I recalled what occurred with Armor. I guess I really did start taking it to heart because these were really minuscule parts of my personality that came out and were completely rejected.
“I’ll talk to him and put him in his place,” Rosa said.
“That really isn’t necessary,” I said. I did find it sweet how I always had people sticking up for me throughout my life, but I truly didn’t mind that much. It wasn’t so much about changing people’s behavior for me, it was more so trying to understand. Pushing people to be different than they were only backfired.
Rosa also reassured me that the way people talk in the kitchen can appear very aggressive, with a lot of curse words and intense reactions/tones but that it was never personal or towards me.
“Not at the restaurant I worked at,” I said.
I went back to work. The GM for Glacier Bay showed up for dinner which seemed to be a nice surprise and helped lighten my mood. But oh my God, I was not able to control my body or facial expressions around him whatsoever. He had me so riled up. I hugged him—my first physical contact with a hot man in a while. I was nearly panting. My nipples contracted tightly. I brushed my palms over them and took a deep breath to calm down. When I had a moment to chat with him alone, he began to tell me how Russ got fired.
“I exterminated him today,” he said. “He needed to learn his lesson.”
I bit my lip, wanting him to teach me a lesson. I became all hot and heavy, imagining the power he had. He caught me biting my lip again, this time when my eyes were locked on his hands, wondering what they would feel like being shoved up my cunt. Everything became a blur and I couldn’t focus on anything else he was saying. All I knew was that I would be cumming to his face later on.
