Dubu had invited me to a Moroccan dinner tonight at his place. It happened to also be my birthday and I worked the entire time, doing stuff like lotioning the leather couches and dusting the fireplace. The owners either took super good care of their lodge or they couldn’t come up with stuff for us to do.
When I was setting up tables, I thought about Hope’s Wisdom Dialogues and how she was always so unafraid to speak her mind. Through that, I realized how much I hate censoring my writing. I love my writing for the reason that I expose what is occurring behind closed doors by bringing to light all the ways we ‘hurt’ each other. The main message being it’s meaningless and to take the weight off the stories.
I felt inspired to message her and thank her. I shared how way back when I first started going on the dialogues, I felt deeply embarrassed when she would share my stories to the public using my given name. I had always known I could make myself anonymous, however I wanted to feel the burn/fire of my ego. And honestly, it helped more than I knew at the time. I used it as a practice to feel through the identity I had made. Despite getting a feeling sense of embarrassment, I was always laughing and smiling when she talked about me. I genuinely loved being used in that way to help show people it’s really not that serious and through the process I learned that the thing that identified as ‘Goda Latvys’ was not me.
I ended up saying yes to the Moroccan night even though I felt extremely antisocial. I guilt tripped myself into going, telling myself I had to do ‘something’ since it was my birthday. Summer picked me up and I could tell I would have rather stayed in. I think the most enjoyable part of my day was walking on the road for about 15 minutes before she picked me up. There had been a storm passing through the past couple of days, however during the short walk, the sky opened up.
Everything felt so off when I arrived. Dubu sensed it and took me outside where it was quiet to give me a gift. It was a book that was wrapped in a paper map with a piece of scrap paper taped onto it that read GHANA.
“Thank you,” I said.
I had a hard time feeling happy. Everything hit me when I was at his place. I got teary-eyed and my voice became tender. “I’m sorry. I really appreciate the gift, I’m just having a difficult time. The past few years I have celebrated my birthday in the mountains with my tramily, so it’s really hard for me to not be experiencing that right now.”
Georgina had offered to pick me up and take me to a secluded place by the beach with some friends but ended up canceling due to the rain. Now I felt really alone. I was searching, as if asking God, Where are the people who love me? When she found out I had been crying, she said she was on her way with Paramour and Wildflower. Then I felt bad that she was coming from possibly feeling obligated. It seemed there was no winning with me.
“Would you like to try your Frankenstein cake?” Dubu asked.
“Yes!”
Earlier last week, I had requested for a cheap/shitty birthday cake as those tasted best. I was so joyous when I saw it.
“It looks terrible,” he said, “the only thing holding it together is the frosting.”
I loved it.
“It’s just what you asked for—a crappy cake. I got the cheapest materials possible.”
It was perfect. I ate 75% of it, starting my way in the middle and working my way out. I was the only one eating it, other than a couple of people who got some small slices later.
Once the room filled, I stepped outside again to breathe in the fresh air. Sitting on the porch felt better for me. Plus, I could at least look at nature. Since I was a child, I would hide away from groups/parties. I was always alone, whether it would be in my room, or hanging out on the stairs watching the party from afar. I think people kept associating it as a problem, but to me, it was my happy place. Going into myself was my safety zone and still is, except now I have an awareness that it is not a lonely thing because God is with me.
Dubu joined me again. I shared memories of the trail just to slightly uplift my spirit. Then, the girls showed up. Paramour stayed outside with me while Dubu attended to his guests.
“You okay?” she asked.
I shook my head no.
“I can tell,” she said.
I told Dubu I had to go home as I felt really icky. I tried to do an Irish goodbye but then somebody overheard it was my birthday.
“It’s your birthday?!” someone shouted, “I had no idea! I would’ve baked you a cake.”
Dubu goes, “Shhh, it’s low-key.”
Then Wildflower whispered, “Happy birthday…”
When I told Dubu I wanted a low-key birthday, I meant I still wanted to be celebrated, not ignored. I just felt like a stranger who had intruded on his party.
Georgina drove me back then hung out with me in the car before I went inside the lodge. Mallory wanted to talk to me about my departure date, asking if there was any possible way I could stay longer and even come back next year. I was very hesitant as my gut was telling me to stick to leaving middle of August. I told her I would think about it, however I was positive I would not be able to come back next year.
“I really want to honor myself and do a special hike for my 30th birthday,” I said, picturing myself in a different country, wandering through their mountains.
“Well you can go hiking in the winter where it’s warm.”
“Yeah, but then it won’t be my birthday.”
I came back to my room to find a birthday card everyone at work had signed me. McKenna tried really hard to make me feel special today which I found to be really sweet. My eyes got all teary. It was such a small act, but it brought me so much joy.
I came back to my room to find a birthday card everyone at work had signed me. McKenna tried really hard to make me feel special today which I found to be really sweet. My eyes got all teary. It was such a small act, but it brought me so much joy.
