Derora kissed my cheek and hugged me good morning when I was lost in writing. My face flushed warm as I felt the love in her expression. I feel so resilient at times when everything feels like it’s collapsing down on me, then suddenly I receive such genuine compassion out of the blue. It reawakens me and reminds me of my purpose. I don’t believe our light can ever go out. It’s not possible.
I got dropped off at the Bartlett River trailhead by Glacier Bay to do some hiking. I had invited people from the lodge, but no one was able to go or didn’t want to. I walked a few feet into the forest, closed my eyes and inhaled a scent that reminded me of sage. My heart awakened even deeper. As always, I gave thanks to God for bringing my path to the trail and through the woods.
I walked all the way to the meadow and saw a faint game trail that led to the river. I walked through the brush, letting my leg hair soak up the water and clean off the mud. When I arrived, I placed my toes at the edge of the river. I stared at the glacial colored water and nearly forded it, my curiosity getting the best of me. I settled on eating a pb&j and enjoying the view.
Ford had invited me out for a burger at Glacier Bay so I headed back to catch him in time. Before I left, I immersed my hands into the water and cleaned my face, whispering, “Thank You.” I walked through roots and rocks, surrounded by tall moss covered trees while small droplets of rain sprinkled on my cheeks.
I ran into him at the parking lot, then as we walked into the building I immediately noticed how tense everyone became. I always catch the glimpse in people’s facial expressions before they put on a fake smile. It was almost like this sense of fear came over their faces. It felt as if I was experiencing some version of a walk of shame, so I smiled and waved.
“Welp,” I said, “looks like people read the blog.” Alex always told me that being a writer was a lonely journey. I can see that now.
We sat down and I noticed temptation arise when I noticed Kaden. I kept having to bring my vision back to Ford. I wanted him to feel like I was there with him rather than getting distracted by eye candy.
He expressed, “Maybe you don’t see it, Freyja, but I do. As soon as you walk into a room, I can spot all of the guys that look at you and check you out. They don’t even hide the fact that they are doing it.”
All the while I was having the perception that people were giving me the stink eye.
We put our orders in then went to visit Vance in the gift shop as we waited for our burgers. Even with him, I could feel like he was super nervous to approach me. Still, he hugged me.
“Holy shit, was the writing that forward?” I asked.
“Yeah it’s been crazy here because of it,” he said, “but I love it. I love how honest and straightforward you are.”
“Shit, if it’s like this already, they are not going to like what’s coming.” These entries were sub-par in comparison to my usual erotic memoirs.
We went back to the table to eat our burgers. Ford noticed there were some new faces around the lodge.
“Apparently 10 people quit right after I put in my notice,” I said.
“Damn, you became a trendsetter for Glacier Bay.”
“Sounds like it for sure! I feel like I got to show people it’s really not that scary to say no to what doesn’t resonate with you. If anything, it’s freeing and new opportunities can present themselves!”
“Like the ‘out of the blue’ opportunity to cycle a random African country, right?”
After we ate, we stepped outside so he could have a cigarette. Kaden was in my peripheral vision and eventually approached us.
“I’m going to be leaving soon,” he said, “I got an amazing opportunity to be a private chef.”
He seemed softer in his demeanor, much more pure now that I wasn’t acting out in front of him. He went back to his tables, then Mulch came out while Ford went inside.
He sat down beside me and gave me a hug.
“Shit went crazy with your blog,” he said. “Everybody’s reading it.”
“Ha! I felt the vibe when I walked in. Everyone’s super on edge.”
“I told people how you invited me to go hiking and they became worried for me, asking if I was okay and telling me not to go as if I was gonna get raped.”
Oh man, that was a knee slapper. It made me laugh to the point of tears.
“I still wanna go hiking with you, I really do,” he said.
“Me too,” I said, “and don’t worry, I won’t hit on you.”
“I kind of want you to just so I can say no to you and you can write about it.”
We both busted out laughing again. I’m glad he saw the humor in it the same way I did. I loved being around people that didn’t take stuff so seriously. So then Kaden came out and asked how long I was going to be here.
“I don’t know, maybe another 10 minutes.”
“If it were 30…”
Mulch and I cut him off in laughter then Ford came outside.
“Ready to go home?” he asked.
“Can we do the airplane hike first?!”
“Yes!”
We drove down to the trailhead then both of us peed on some moss and we started walking. I went barefoot to experience the damp earth beneath me. It cooled the fire that had been inside and calmed my soul at a level I’m sure I could not see.
He drove me back to the lodge after. I loved how the employees, guests and owners often didn’t wear shoes and instead walked around in socks. It made it feel that much more like home. They didn’t even lock the rooms unless a customer specifically asked for a key which was really rare.
I saw Oscar for the first time in a while. He was a local that lived down the road and did maintenance work at the lodge. I fancied him, pretty much only because he was Christian and married. I also liked that he always called me “trouble.”
“Hey Trouble,” he said. “I never see you around. You hide more than anyone else here.”
“I tend to do that.”
Mallory let the staff know there would be a new guy coming in to help with closing the lodge since a few people had to leave early. I felt excited thinking I might actually get along with one coworker.
Then, I spoke to Dots over the phone, happy to hear from her. She had just come back from the mainland.
She said, ““I’m ‘caught up’ in terms of the rumor mill, and you’re definitely at the center of it.”
“I’m not even there!” I said, laughing.
Then she expressed she felt I was on the spectrum because I did/said things that were not socially acceptable, such as being super blunt, nowadays even confrontational. Other signs were not picking up on sarcasm, taking jokes very literally and picking up on micro expressions. All of which I do.
