I’ve been feeling so homesick for the trail. I’m in Alaska until September and it seems all the mountains that surround me are taunting me. I would give anything to throw my pack on and get deeply lost. I know soon I’ll be in the desert, but it’s at least two months until then.
I spoke to Mallory before I set out to hike to the Lower Falls. She said Rosa felt uncomfortable with me being in the dining room before the guests because she wanted to take care of them first. This is what I mean by it feels like my presence bothers people. I hadn’t said one word to Rosa, only having grabbed a piece of bread and sat in the most cornered part of the dining room where she couldn’t even see me.
“She also feels uncomfortable with you changing in front of her,” she said, “I personally don’t see the issue because I know we’re all women, however she is from a different culture.”
“Why hasn’t she said any of this to my face?” I asked.
“She doesn’t like confrontation.”
“I mean, nobody does, but it’s an easy thing for me to change.”
Then, she further went on to explain how there has been tension because I usually work the night shift which means I come back to the room around 10, which “also bothers Rosa.” That’s when I lost it. I didn’t understand why she suddenly turned so cold because she had never voiced any of her concerns. Instead, she was just very passive aggressive. It wasn’t just with me, but with McKenna, too.
Last night, McKenna was reading her Book of Mormon with her bedside lamp on till around 10pm. Rosa had already gone to bed, then woke up at 3:30am mumbling the word “inconsiderate” loudly. She turned on the brightest lights which shined directly on McKenna’s face then left to work. I was used to growing up with a passive aggressive mother who did stuff like this so it wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to. I also had the same pattern of giving people silent treatments (I have my mother to thank for teaching me that) so it didn’t help the situation.
Hitting my breaking point, I started bawling my eyes out, finally confessing everything I’ve been feeling to Mallory. I expressed how out of place I’ve felt around Frank, Rosa, Ollie, pretty much everyone other than McKenna.
She said she felt heartbroken. She advised me to let what Frank said just roll off my back, that he was 18 and probably just had a lot to do with hormones.
“There’s probably a lot going on that we don’t know about,” she said.
I agreed.
“It has actually been a recurring issue with him.” Then, she had me do a mantra with her stating, “It’s not me.”
She said I reminded her so much of herself, especially when she was younger. That she, too, is very sensitive to energies. She placed her hand on top of mine and I cried intensely, apologizing numerous times for losing grip of myself.
“You can go to the house anytime you need a safe space,” she said, further reassuring me that she loved having me here and that I had been doing an outstanding job. We went on to talk about one of life’s hard truths that we can’t please everyone and we can’t get every person to like us, no matter how hard we try.
I grabbed some bear spray and started trekking up the steep hill, allowing the morning sun to dry up tears. I had my vision centered on the mountains and started having a conversation between myself and my Inner Spirit Guide that looked something like this:
Can I be okay with thru-hiking giving me the apparent effects of aging?
Inner Spirit: Yes.
If I continue to live this way, can I be okay if I never meet a man?
Inner Spirit: Yes.
I think I can be okay as long as I have the trail to hike.
Inner Spirit: And what if you lose your legs?
At least I can still look at the mountains.
Inner Spirit: And what if you lose sight?
At least I will know what it feels like in my heart.
It was an interesting play on my mind to see how easy it can be to idolize people and places in the world, even your own sense of self. But what would happen if that were to all be ripped out from under you?
Dinner service was a shit show as usual. Funny how I cry more at Moose Lane than I ever did at Glacier. Basically, I knew my friends would be visiting tonight but I was scheduled to work in the kitchen while Jasmine served. She asked if I wanted to tag team serve and she would help me with dishes.
“You could serve your friends and we can just switch positions when they come,” she said.
I felt super inspired by the idea. Everything was going great and we had it all under control but the chefs were pissed that we did that without asking first. Ollie made a rude comment and I full-blown disassociated the entirety of the night. It was either that, screaming at him because I was over his shit, or hyperventilating in the bathroom again.
As I started walking away, I heard him say, “For fucks sake!” underneath his breath.
I turned around, swallowed my fear of speaking up and said, “Can you please be more kind when you speak to me?”
His facial expression contorted into pure rage. He started walking towards me as if he was about to murder me, or at the very least go off on me.
He yelled, “Be more KIND?! You speak like this all the time with me!”
And then a huge surge of anger came over me because, God as my witness, I barely did so much as say “hello” to him. I was so quiet here, so fucking much, just to avoid confrontations like this. The energy the rest of the night was at a high anxiety state. I really just wanted to go home, however Paramour had just showed up with her friend who was visiting from the mainland.
I went to give her a hug. She was dressed up all cute in a tight little dress and did a little twirl for me to show it off. She could tell I was going through it, having a way of seeing through my facial expressions and into the actual vibe of my energy.
“Freyja, this is my friend, Wes.”
He emitted a full smile and a flirty personality. It felt healing to be around that energy again and banter around with someone similar to me.
They were waiting for me to get off my shift so we could hike to the mud flats, yet I just really wanted to hide away from the world. I was extremely disassociated, even with them. None of the emotions were really hitting me. I felt like a shell of myself.
We put on rubber boots and trekked out into the field. The views were out of this world, but I didn’t feel I could really tune in and experience it. My heart has felt broken for quite some time now. I feel like this year and last has been pretty rough for me mentally. I keep feeling like I can’t find my place. I just want to run and hide. I knew I had the option to quit and leave, yet I didn’t want to put that on the owners, especially after telling them I would finish the season with them.
I just really miss the trail. I really miss being loved so deeply by my community, most of all the wilderness. I feel like I am so deeply, desperately longing to be loved, and I can’t seem to figure it out. I keep looking for people to reflect that to me but have such a hard time when it seems like all of the fingers are being pointed at me.
