I haven’t spoken to Rosa in a few days now as things are still passive aggressive between us. She came into the room as I was resting, opened the window curtain aggressively then left. I closed it back up.
Jayson came upstairs and asked if I would be able to be Ford’s deckhand instead of going to work.
“Yes!” I exclaimed.
I was not ready to be near the staff today. And now I’m here, sitting on the bow of the TAZ. The water is still. My worries have been momentarily put aside. The smokey gray clouds are meeting the sea. The mountain peaks are revealing themselves and I wonder what secrets lay beyond them.
Have they been traversed? If not, can I be the one who first explores them? I promise to tread lightly.
I felt sad today, upset as to why my leg did not appear fully healed. I experienced anger all over again for my little brother then came back to the truth of nothing ever happened in the first place and that there was no one here to blame. I’m really wanting to learn how to not depend on my happiness to come out of the world.
Nature never ceases to stop teaching me. Right now, I’m watching the way the orcas breach beside the iridescent jellyfish. Otters are swimming on their backs eating basket stars. Fish are jumping and flopping out of the water. Ford laughed at my childish excitement for it all. The beauty of nature—not a care in the world other than to be.
Why do humans think so much yet appear to only get stupider?
I still get the sense that the simpler things are, the less we would stress. The less we had in material items, the more time we would spend in appreciation of the moment rather than distracting ourselves with the latest technology, gadgets, cars, homes, etc.
I am deeply grateful for Ford. Today it felt as though I was rescued by an angel. It was as if my mind had been lifted from a burden. Makes me wonder…
Why has my heart softened to such tenderness?
Why do I feel things on such a sensitive level?
Ford had me steer the boat on the way back. I was doing great when out of nowhere it started doing a complete 360 turn.
My eyes widened and I panicked. “Ford!” I turned around searching for him in hopes he could save us.
He comes running as I’m trying to steer it back into place. “Freyja! What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be following the GPS line going straight!”
“I swear Ford I was doing that!” My face flushed red. “I barely moved the steering wheel!”
It wasn’t long until he said, “I’m just messing with you. There’s a steering wheel on the back of the boat.”
I should’ve known. He always got a kick out of practical jokes.
He got in touch with Elian to let her know we would be at the dock just after 5 pm so that the shuttle could pick up the guests that were on board. I asked her if they still needed me to come in to work the dinner shift. She said yes and I instantly regretted asking. We made it back to the dock, greeted the eagle on the railing then I helped Ford with the finishing steps of tying the boat down.
When I made it back home, I threw on my uniform and went straight to serving the very people that were on the TAZ. It seemed like a great night, but then at the very end Jayson sat us down for an intervention. It was about all the tension at work. He addressed small issues but didn’t call anyone specific out. We went around in a circle, each person getting a chance to say something.
Frank goes, “I’m too socially awkward for this.”
I nodded in agreement. Jayson asked if I had anything to say to which I shook my head no. He continued to stare, giving me another chance to open up but I was not comfortable sharing things in a group setting like that, especially where I might possibly get snapped at.
It came time to polish—now that there was no one here, I had no face to fake. Jayson came in and I looked at him with a dead face as I swiped the damp rag over the silverware, not even faking a smile.
“Do you want me to polish the silverware?” he joked.
“It’s not that,” I said.
He offered to talk about it one on one, and so at the end of the night before I left, we sat together in the office. At first I felt scared, as if I was in trouble. He wasn’t being direct/specific so I had to ask him to please clarify. For instance, he would be talking about Ollie then switch to Chip, saying he was trying to clear the angst because he “sees everything.”
“Angst on my end or who’s?”
“Ollie’s,” he said. “Out of all my years of working with the lodge, I’ve never seen so much anger in someone such as how he is with you.”
I explained how the only thing I could think of was when I rejected him.
Jayson adds, “He has this light switch with you.”
It was interesting because I could see how much I was able to handle, how I’m starting to welcome the perception of people being angry with me. I still had a hard time understanding what Jayson was saying because he kept speaking in riddles, saying there were problems with my coworkers. What I got from the gist of it was that he was disappointed in Ollie and his behavior towards me.
I said, “Well, you can’t change his behavior.”
He goes, “No, but, I can discipline him.”
“On the bright side, he was very kind and respectful to me all day today.”
“I asked the chefs how everything went and how Freyja was and they said great, but then I come into the kitchen and you just looked completely straight-faced and emotionless, and I thought to myself, Awe, everything went great but now the only thing that’s missing is Freya’s smile.”
I cried when he said that, putting my hands to my heart. I immediately let him know it had nothing to do with the job, I was simply in a highly emotional state as my grandpa was currently in the hospital and my period was approaching. I also told him I had a hard time hiding my facial expressions. It feels easy in terms of seduction but not day to day stuff.
At the end of our talk, I let him know that the employees seem to do good together and work as a team. I also thanked him for how he communicates with me.
He said, “That’s what he’s trying to teach everyone is that we all learn a different way and we all need different things. Where one person needs tough love or an immature joke, another person needs soft and positive reassurance.”
I felt I could go to bed with ease of mind.
At the end of the day I called Olivija. As usual we shared our latest contemplations and life lessons from God. I shared my recent insights on idolization.
“It has been a gift to see how much weight I put on hiking and how much I depend on that for my happiness. I don’t think I would have really paid attention to that if it weren’t for my apparent injury.”
“Anything under the sun is vanity,” she reminded me. “Meaning, anything you make greater than God is actually idolizing, and will be taken away. Do not depend on the things of the world!” I got the craziest, most intense goosebumps all throughout my body.
