The owner of the house stopped by in the morning. He was stoked to see I made myself at home, genuinely happy I did my laundry and used his kitchen to make myself some food.
“I brought you a chocolate muffin,” he said.
“Oh my god! I love chocolate.”
“Yeah I know, women love that shit.”
He was going to be gone all day working and spending the night at his friend’s place in Bishop again. He suggested I go hike in his backyard full of mountains, following a specific trail that took me to the ridge.
He grabbed some stuff before he left then said, “You can stay as long as you want. You’re more than welcome anytime you’re passing through.”
Although I wanted to, I was becoming quite tight on timing. I packed up and hit the road. The first car that picked me up happened to be a young woman my age named Helga. She appeared tired and was coughing every couple of minutes due to being sick.
“I’m heading to Inyokern,” I said, planning to spend the night at Sergio’s place.
“Not sure where that is,” she said, “but I’m going far, technically to Washington.”
“You’re going the wrong way,” I joked.
“I know. I’m trying to avoid the snow.”
When I told her my end goal was San Diego, she said, “Fuck it, I’ll take you there. I always wanted to go to San Diego.”
I didn’t have money to offer her as I was basically hanging on by a thread. She said no worries. I got us some snacks then we got comfortable for some long hours ahead. We made a quick stop to visit Sergio so I could pick up the box my mom had sent me. Helga didn’t seem open to hanging out there nor connecting to him at the level I did. She appeared cold and monotone. So, I made our interaction at his place short although I would have loved to have spent some time with him. It was clear he took a lot of time cleaning his space and organizing the guest room for me.
“I’ll come back as soon as I can,” I said to Sergio.
He sent me off with handmade tamales, cheesecake and a kiss on the cheek.
We hit the road. Helga started speeding and raising her voice at cars in front of her that were moving at a slower pace.
“Come on, babe!” she yelled as she tailgated them, then looked over at me and explained, “I think the way I combat road rage is by calling people babe.”
So, being the women we were, we naturally talked about men, sex and relationships. We quickly found we had complete opposite tastes. Alexander Skarsgård was her die hard crush while mine was Seth Rogen.
“I want a man so pale that I can see the blood in his veins,” she said.
“Really?” I asked, in complete disbelief how she found that attractive.
She had the same disgusted look when I showed her a photo of my ex-lover.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There’s someone for everyone.”
Her ex lived in San Diego. She reached out to him to see if he was open to meeting up with her but he didn’t respond for quite some time. She appeared to be in love with him despite him breaking her heart.
“Even if I never see him again, I’m glad I have someone in my life that I can feel grateful for,” she said. “It’s nice to have a soft spot in your heart for someone that you can revisit.”
I knew exactly what she meant. Then, I told her about the Canadian lover I had. I showed her a picture of him as I melted into a sense of infatuation. Uncontrollable smiles and butterflies exposed the deeper feelings I had for him.
“Yeah…” she said, “I’m definitely not attracted to him. Not my type but good for you.”
I didn’t need her opinion. Robson and I had been conversing since I last saw him. He made it clear he really liked me and wanted to see me again. I did, too. It felt as if he wanted to prove to me that he wanted to try with me, really try; to grow deeper in our connection. I was hesitant but open to it.
During the drive, Robson and I exchanged messages about seeing if we could spend even a couple of days together before I flew out. He asked if I wanted to go to Las Vegas to climb around the Red Rocks area. It wasn’t in alignment for me to hitch out there so I suggested Joshua Tree. He asked if I wanted him to come tonight. I excitedly said yes.
Before he booked anything, I let him know I had already planned to visit my friend 700 and his girl Scenic Route tomorrow. That day was fully set aside for him but the following few days I would devote all of my time and energy with him. He had no issue with it but wanted to know if 700 and I had any sexual thing going on. I let him know there was nothing of the sort and that he was in a fully committed healthy relationship with his girl.
Within a few minutes, Robson booked a last second flight to San Diego and would be arriving at the same time as Helga and I. Then, he started to book a room for us—two nights. Helga asked if she could stay with us since she was driving me all the way out. I said of course, then passed the message on to Robson.
“Is one bed okay?” he asked.
I was taken aback that he would even ask that question. He knew that once I liked someone, there was no space for another woman to enter the scene. Otherwise, I was automatically out.
“Two beds…” I said, letting go of red flag number one.
I expressed to Helga how much I liked him and how I was actually starting to feel as if I could let my guard down around him which took a lot for me to do.
“I just love that he actually listens and cares about me so deeply,” I said. “It feels like he actually has potential.”
“And he’s really showing you that he likes you by actually taking initiative and buying a ticket to come out and see you.”
Then, I went on about how good he fucked me and how attentive he was in the bedroom to my needs. I felt as if I fucked up when I voiced that because right after I added, “Girl, go ahead and try him.” I guess I wanted to come off as cool and carefree but as soon as the words slipped from off my tongue, I instantly wanted to take them back. I was not ‘cool’ nor was I ‘carefree’ when I liked someone.
So, to combat what I had just said, I expressed to her the vulnerabilities and sensitive spots I had in relationships. I opened up about my deepest triggers and big ‘fuck no’s’ in relationships, a couple being when men checked out other women or watched porn. Once that was revealed to me in any way, I dipped. There was zero compromising I was willing to do in that regard. My heart couldn’t handle being in a relationship with someone who had weaknesses around women/pornographic images.
Then, she opened up to me about her sex life and how she was currently celibate for over a year. She seemed very responsible when it came to having sex with men. She made sure they cleaned themselves prior to getting in the bedroom, that they thoroughly washed their hands and cock before doing anything. Condoms were a must. Blowjobs and kissing were not an option to avoid getting an STD. To top it off, cum was not to be on her skin. She hated it and would wash it off directly after they finished.
“I’m thinking and doing this all for my future husband,” she said.
How did men like fucking women who were basically grossed out by them and their natural fluids?
We arrived at the hotel and saw Robson sitting outside waiting for our arrival.
“I love when he takes care of these things like booking us a room,” I said. “It makes me feel like a woman.”
I got out of the car then we ran up to each other, both of us blushing red. He hugged me tight and kissed me straight away. Afterwards, he brought us upstairs to the room. Helga wanted to go out to the bar to hit on some dudes. I didn’t blame her, especially since Robson and I were so lovey dovey with one another.
I noticed that her energy completely shifted when we were in the room. Suddenly, she wanted Robson and I to choose what scandalous outfit she should wear. I gave Robson several chances to set in and be a man, to tell her politely to leave or simply not do that in front of us. He never did.
Hm, he can’t be that much of a dumbass, I thought to myself. I mean, he knows where I stand with all of this. I communicated clearly.
I noticed myself getting crazy and suddenly very anxious in his space, despite him holding me in his arms. I thought of Orange Man and how he would never in his right mind react like this. He would recognize that we were in an intimate space, developing something. He simply would not be attracted to an energy like that. But, Orange was very intuitive and understood the basic signs of respect.
She started changing and asked him to close his eyes when she could’ve just went in the bathroom. He placed his hands over his eyes as she undressed in the corner. I attempted to forget about it so I grabbed his cock under the covers and started kissing his neck. He started laughing at my inability to control myself.
“That’s not fair,” he said. “I can’t see,” implying he wanted to look at her while I touched him.
Could men not see when they were breaking a girl’s heart right in front of their eyes?
Did they not sense her Spirit chipping away?
Was it done purposefully to break her down?
“What is it about Freyja that is so irresistible?” Helga asked him.
He looked into my eyes and replied, “Her joyousness.”
He didn’t even know. He was looking directly into my soul and couldn’t even fathom the slightest extent of mental pain I was currently in.
I searched his eyes. How could he not see?
I knew I was very intense in the way I love someone. I have no issue giving them that intensity when I am interested in them, and by intensity I mean laughter, playfulness, gratitude for their presence, etc. However, it is up to the person who is in front of me to match me at the level I am showing them. It is a sort of test as to whether or not they can meet me there. So far, he was failing greatly.
Eventually, Helga slipped on an even more revealing outfit. The items she chose were tight against her skin which didn’t appear flattering to her body type. It revealed her cleavage to the point where her nipples might slip out if she made the wrong move. I got a visual understanding of ‘less is more’ and that modesty was actually much more attractive.
“How do your tits stay put?” Robson asked.
“Oh, like this!” she said as she full blown whipped her tits out to show him some boob tape that barely covered her nipples.
I knew it was all intentional and they both knew how I felt about it. Simply put, it took one to know one. I’ve done what she has done before. Not to this extent, though. This was some next level bullshit. I tried to keep my cool as I figured it would be better than stabbing the shit out of both of them. Instead, I disassociated completely, figuring I could take the pain onto myself rather than project it onto them. I was used to it, anyway.
She finished dressing while I distracted myself by kissing Robson, forcing myself to get excited with the little amount of attraction I had left for him. I told myself he flew all the way out here and got a room for us so I had to be nice, but I didn’t really ask myself if giving him my soul/energy was worth the exchange of a couple hundred dollars and some new found trauma.
The moment she closed the door and left, he started to slip his cock inside of me. Heaven again. It felt quiet and painless in my heart. At that point, I didn’t even make it about him, I just told myself it was his dick I was after. Everything was okay when he was inside of me.
“Please don’t stop,” I begged, knowing he was about to cum. “Please.” My eyes watered. I didn’t want all of the thoughts to come rushing in.
He stretched me, filled me deeper.
“Are you going to fuck them?” he asked as he penetrated me.
He was referring to 700 and Scenic Route.
“No?” I responded.
That’s how I knew I had feelings for him because the very idea of roleplaying such a conversation turned me off nearly immediately. At that point, I just wanted him to cum so I could go to bed. The moment was gone.
In the spur of the moment I let him cum inside of me then prayed I wouldn’t accidentally get pregnant with his child. He spooned me and held his face close to mine, cupping my breasts in his palms. He spoke of all the things he liked about me, making it clear he wanted to experience me at a deeper level.
Thirty seconds passed before he said, “She had some massive tits.”
My eyes shut as I felt a surge of heat rush over me. Panic set in. He felt my sudden shortness of breath.
He lifted his head. “Freyja?”
I covered my face to hide myself from him. It was too embarrassing to know I just gave this man part of my heart and all of my body. I brought my knees into my chest as a searing pain dropped into my stomach. I felt naked and ugly. I silently released a waterfall of tears; the shaking in my body let him know I was hurting to a great extent.
He tried to turn me around. “Freyja. Talk to me,” he said. “Freyja, please talk to me.”
From sheer force, I looked into his eyes and realized the depth of fear I felt that I allowed myself to even get as remotely close to him as I did. I felt so angry at him, but I wasn’t one to yell because I knew how it felt being on the perceiving end.
“You’re holding me in your arms, naked, and talking about another girl’s tits? How do you think that makes me feel?”
I couldn’t believe I even had to say the words. I felt as if I was having to explain this to a toddler.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, “it was a joke.”
Seems men have a lot of jokes that don’t seem to make women laugh. Where’s the punchline? Must be that the joke’s on me.
He went on and on about how he thought I would think it was funny then explained he wasn’t attracted to her nor would he even think about ruining what we had going on.
“I’m not attracted to her body type whatsoever. Plus, I came here to see you,” he soothed.
He was lying. I had a one of a kind bullshit detector that he clearly underestimated.
I flat out asked, “Are you going to fuck her?”
“No, of course not. I would never.”
His words were saying one thing but his energy was on an entirely different wavelength.
I added, “Because I’d rather you just let me know right now so I could know what to do next.”
I no longer wanted to hold onto words and sentences that didn’t feel honest. Instead, I prayed for my Spirit Guides to reveal to me what his true intentions were rather than having to second guess my intuitive hunches.
