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Breakfast with Thru-hikers at Hood River, Following My Own Rhythm and Concrete Beliefs Vanishing

I loved seeing everyone’s faces and hiker trash appearance. Most of all, I loved having arrived there on my own, meaning being on the road in solitude again. I loved that I was walking with the sound of my own footsteps and meeting people at my own rhythm. I wondered to myself if I would (truthfully) ever be able to let a man in my life again. Just the thought of the idea right at that moment seemed to bring about some very intense anxiety. I told myself I didn’t have to worry about that right now, then let the thought go and gave thanks for being surrounded with my hiker community. I gave thanks for the medicine of laughter and the way sharing stories of our passion for the mountains made our hearts lift.

Sucking on a Lollipop and Watching Hiker Trash, Hot French Dude Unable to Pronounce the Word ‘Vanilla’ and Alcohol Masking Perception of Guilt

Although it was a fun experience for me, I noticed how there was an underlying sense of loneliness. Yeah, it was easy for me to be alone and I loved it, but I saw how much I resisted the idea of letting people anywhere close to my mind/heart. Especially if I was strictly having sex with someone and they gave me the vibe they wanted to get to know me more, I found I would start to feel grossed out. I would completely pull away and distance myself from them. I knew it was just fear and a subconscious way of closing off my heart, but sometimes I wished I could just tear down those walls I built.

Breadcrumbs No Longer Fulfilling Me, Handstands with Piper on Thunder Island, Temporary Tattoo, Predator Disguised as Prey

I turned around, got on my knees and removed the condom as I dripped the cum back onto his cock such like frosting. Slowly, I licked it up as it dripped down the girth of his cock. I never cared how long men lasted, as long as I got the gift of their seed, I was replenished. Yet, once I received what I wanted, I seemed to grow cold in a man’s presence, letting them energetically known the game was over.

Twinkling Morning City Lights, Beyond the Character I Play, Hyper-Sexuality and Staying Lighthearted Throughout My Perceptions

For my break, I stopped in front of a wide, cascading waterfall. I was stunned with awe as it appeared to come out of nowhere when I turned the corner. Water tumbled down as it softened the edges of the black jagged rocks, covered deep in moss. Broken pieces of wood and debris were scattered at the base, yet everything felt in perfect place. The wild way of nature—untamed and unashamed of how it was—true art. Mist rose as the water roared; I sat and stared for quite some time at this meditative phenomena.
As I started walking, I saw a PCT blaze and got to reconnect with my beloved trail. It was really fun reconnecting to the spots I had once walked and seeing how much I had changed in my mentality over the years. Beyond the surface of what I appeared to be as the ever changing character ‘Goda’, in Eternity I was still the same—untouched by the passing of the world.

Hiking the Timberline Trail, Glacial Stream Crossings, Constant Birthing of the Present Moment and Time Being a Man Made Construct

At the top of the climb, there were still patches of snow to walk across, so my feet were sliding from lack of grip. On the descent, I received views of Mount Jefferson, Mount St. Helens, Mount Adams and Mount Rainier. I took a break at one of the campsites and sat down at one of the picnic tables. Someone had stacked a bunch of sticks like ladders between a couple of trees. Then, I looked down at my feet and thanked them for walking me along the trail. My shoes were on the end of their life and I was on the beginning of mine.

Letting the Ocean Heal Me, Hitchhiking Inland, Universe Gifting Me Virile Men and Honoring Their Cocks, Getting Caught on Camera

A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man shining a bright light on me.
Fuck, I’m too tired to get up and move, I thought to myself.
I felt I was so stealthy, but I guess not. Turned out, he wasn’t upset, but instead brought me white chocolate, crackers and beer.
“Hey,” he whispered, “I brought you some snacks.”
“Wow,” I said, “thank you so much for being so kind and thoughtful. How did you know I was here?”
“There’s cameras all over this bitch,” he said as he began pointing to each one saying, “there’s one, there, there, there,” making a full circle.
I closed my eyes in a feeling sense of hilarity and shame, knowing very well this man and the other workers totally saw me sucking on some stranger’s cock in the middle of the parking lot. They probably assumed I was a prostitute.

Krystal’s Hibiscus Flower in Full Bloom, Stigma Around Traumatic Events, Forgiving What Never Was and Exploring Newport OR with Violet

Although I was consciously aware of the toxicity/trauma I seemed to experience with Voodoo, there were still really wholesome memories where I felt genuinely happy. I remembered how free I felt when I got to express my sexuality and it was greeted with the same openness and excitement. I remembered how much we laughed over the silliest of things, how much we danced and played on trail. Those were the memories I was letting go of, the ‘good times.’ It was easy to tell someone in my situation to 'just get over it’ and ‘he wasn’t worth it,’ but it was another thing to hold his image in light and to forgive myself. It was a whole different energy to release the judgments I had made about him and to really see his innocence while I allowed myself to let go of the grips of what once was perceived as a never-ending romance.

Guilty Pleasure Songs, Stranger Things Lighting Animation, Normalization of Sex/Violence and Rekindling with Krystal

“Cinema is supposed to connect people,” Lenny said.
He, himself, started to dip back in time and watch older movies for the same reason. He wasn’t drawn to raunchy scenes or anything of the sort. He found movies were ruined even by the moment they put in a simple kissing scene.
“Let the audience feel it for themselves,” he said, “I also love older movies because the men were portrayed as much more respectful instead of these creatures that just wanted to have immediate sex all of the time, rather than building an emotional connection first. It gives a bad impression on men, along with a deceptive image of men for women.”

Meteor Shower in Jackson Hole, Spaghetti Dildos, Passion/Trauma, In and Out of the Present Moment and Making Love Under the Traces of Glittering Stardust

Turned out, it was the meteor shower tonight! I loved how the Universe made sure that we would be cowboy camping in the mountains tonight so that we could witness such a miracle. We cuddled up close and watched as one star after another crossed the sky, leaving traces of glittering star dust behind. My eyes welled up with tears of joy. I felt more and more at home with each passing day and each flowing expression, just the same way as the stars passed through the night sky lighting up their path with their own spark.
“You’re like lightning in a bottle,” he whispered to me, “I want to catch you, but I know you’re fleeting and it doesn’t even bother me. I just want to appreciate you while I have you.”

Winning the Lottery, Daily Opportunities for Forgiveness, Horsetooth Reservoir City Lights and Appreciating Mature Relating

I, myself, had experienced the battle of wearing raunchy clothes in public for many, many years. Complete nudity didn’t appear to bother me nearly as much because I still perceived innocence in that display (depending on the setting). But, when I saw her, I witnessed a part of myself that I no longer wanted to associate myself with. I remembered doing the exact same things, specifically on the Las Vegas Strip. I wanted so bad to have people ‘see’ me and so I would wear skin tight latex and leather just to get some eyes, not recognizing what I really wanted was to be seen and connect on a heart to heart level.

Lightning Show, River Walk with My Tramily, Sexualized Sushi Rolls and Synchronistically Meeting a Lithuanian in Golden, CO

And as I tuned into that feeling, of pure serenity and peace, I remembered of when I first went out to hike the Colorado Trail.
I had told the trail Angel who was driving me to the trailhead, “I want a man that makes me feel the way the mountains make me feel.”
What a wake up call it was to recognize in my mind that I had never come close to anything like that feeling with a man before. Why did that feeling only seem to appear in my field when I was alone and with God as my center?

Mountains Are Calling, Nothing in the World is Dangerous, Homeless Care Package and False Alarm on Kidnapping

Ada gave me a ride up close to I-70 W before she left for work. I thought to myself how close I was to my family’s home—only a couple of hours away. I contemplated visiting them, but my heart was calling to go out west and spend some time in the mountains.
It took a long time for me to get a ride from where I was standing. I was in a shitty spot on an on-ramp where the cars were moving over 50 miles per hour. Eventually, a guy came to a quick stop and I hopped in to avoid causing any traffic jam. He was a really sweet man—a sous-chef for a restaurant in Indiana.
He drove me almost 2 hours, pretty much to the border of Illinois. He took me out to eat along with buying me a plethora of snacks for the road. Then, mid drive, he proceeded to tell me he was going to smoke some crack.

French Toast at the Waffle House, Old School Truck Driver, Learning to Be More Gentle with My Brothers and Longing for Constant Adventure

He drove me a good hour and a half, then dropped me off at another rest area. There, I waited there for almost two hours in the rain with no luck getting a hitch. It was a hit or miss with the rest areas. So, I did what I normally never did, and that was ask people for a ride. One man said he couldn’t help me out, even just by taking me to the next exit over. I could tell he was freaked out by me. I found it interesting how some people were so nervous just by looking into my eyes, as if rejecting any form of soul connection I was giving them.

Confident in His Performance, Owning That I Desire Provision, Human Trafficking Jokes and Prayers of Protection

With his other hand, he casually hung a cigarette off his bottom lip, lit it and inhaled his addiction, then exhaled the fumes into my face as he flicked the ashes off to the side. That image of him would forever be burned into my memory. I felt turned on to complete desperation. He was a living aphrodisiac to me when it came to sex. I loved his nonchalant attitude mixed with his air of confidence, as if never feeling nervous in his performance or my presence.

Moving Through Speech Impediments, Expansion and Contraction of Lust, Women’s Intuition and Emasculated in Seconds

He kissed me and said he didn’t want to fight. Anytime I called him out on his bullshit, it somehow meant I was trying to fight, but what I was really looking for was compassion and empathy for what I was feeling. He was starting to become emasculated in my eyes. A true man to me felt like someone whom I could trust to speak kind words to and about me, especially in front of me. A true man would hold space for me when I was experiencing a deep sense of hurt. My emotional reactions were revealing to him that I didn’t feel safe in his presence, but he couldn’t take a step back and recognize that.
I hopped in the back and he came to lay down beside me and said, “I’m so happy I got to see you again. I just want to be around you.”
I felt energetically confirmed to the depth of my core that I would be okay without him.

Yogi’ing a Shower/Laundry, Burgers at the Brewery, Sensitive to Sentimental Energy, Dancing with the Devil, but a Dreamer Nonetheless

My friends would often tell me it was as if I was ‘dancing with the devil.’ I would be so good at making excuses for what was normally perceived as ‘bad behavior’. I would be the expert at romanticizing romantic relationships. I could convince myself out of every sad story, every harsh comment made, every lie, etc. I knew how to ‘take a lot' and brushed things off so much because I had endless hope. I dreamed high. So, it felt really hard to break the fantasy I had made about the person. But that was what I had been learning over the years, that it was just that—fantasy.

Surprise Pizza Date, Wildcat Mountain Boulder Hopping and Humbling Moments When I Take Step Back

I was very mistaken in my thinking. If anything, I was acting out an energy of compliancy, not submission. I genuinely loved submitting to a man, but that meant that my heart was in alignment to his lead, which it wasn’t in the slightest. I learned the same lesson again, except now, at a deeper level, that I was not capable of changing someone if they didn’t want to do the inner work to change themselves. To him, I felt sure I was only coming across as white noise anytime I had the intention of changing him.

Hitting Zero in the Bank, Sharing Space with Frozen Belt, Summiting Mt Washington and Expressing Gratitude for Divorce

I found out I hit the negatives in my bank account when I tried to make a food purchase at a store. I never found myself to take money as too serious of a perception. I often had the mentality that I would spend money if it felt inspiring, just the same as I would save money if that felt inspiring. I no longer budgeted myself nor did I put any kind of limitations on myself as I had seen that would backfire and seem to cause resentment in my mind.
In Hawaii we would say, “If can, can. If no can, no can.”
It really was that simple. If the means were available, then great. If not, that was great, too. Take it as it comes. I was aware that whatever experience I received was absolutely perfect for me. The perception of running out of money also excited a sense of ‘challenge accepted’ in me. I would look at it as a game to see how I could maneuver around without it.

Falling Into a Bog, Tricked by the Ego, Fantasy is Pain, News is a PSYOPS

I expressed how I actually felt as if I was experiencing a sense of addiction over the sex we had. I remembered how much I cried because I felt as if we weren’t having enough sex, even though it was what the majority of our day consisted of. The feelings of arousal and ‘needing to get off' were so strong that I felt I couldn’t move on with my day until I satisfied that itch over and over again.
She reminded me that the feelings of hornyness were made to feel intense and real to make it seem like I needed that person to fix it, but if I gave willingness for the Holy Spirit to shine some light on it, He would give me the strength to be with the feeling and let it pass.
“The fantasy is the tension,” she said, “it’s the thoughts that are holding it down.”

Mahoosuc Notch Boulder Hopping, Celebrating the Perception of Defeat in the Whites and Observing a Heavy Rainstorm Roll By

Around noon, I arrived to the beginning of Mahoosuc Notch. A couple of NOBO hikers walked by, coming out of it with their legs covered in blood and out of breath. They didn’t seem like they wanted to talk much.
All they said was, “Good luck.”
It can’t be that bad, I thought to myself.
Seconds later, I saw the large rocks and boulders, slick and covered in moss, with sheer cliffs on both sides of the canyon. I kept telling myself it might not be that bad, but then as I started the ascent, the obstacles would get significantly more challenging.
I kept thinking to myself, This can’t be the trail. There’s no way. No psychopath would make this the actual trail.
All to, lo and behold, see a white blaze underneath some boulders, confirming, yes, I had to squeeze under and through a tight hole between some boulders with the possibility of being crushed if they decided to fall at that moment. I didn’t think I had ever used the word ‘fuck’ so many times in the matter of an hour.

Finding Courage to Speak My Truth, Tattered Wings with a Strong Urge to Fly, Interchanging Energies

After the climb, I took a break at the shelter so I could dry the sweat off my back. Upon hanging out, I saw a butterfly walking around aimlessly on the dirt, its wings tattered. I had been spotting a lot of butterflies and dragonflies with dull, deadened wings, especially when I was with Voodoo. It stumbled around, nearly lifeless, and I saw myself in it. I noticed how deadened I felt, but how badly I wanted to lift my wings and fly. So badly I wanted to rise and feel that joy of being light and airy, but I felt as if I was shredded to near nothingness.

Taking Someone’s Virginity, Energetic Withdrawals, Gratitude for the Hiking Community and Forever a Dreamer

I blushed and said, “Mmhmm,” as I threw a blanket over us.
I kept making gentle moans as if pondering on what we could possibly do next. I could feel how he wanted to make a move on me but didn’t know how. So, I looked into his eyes, then at his lips, then slowly back up to his eyes again. We both smirked and slowly went in for a kiss.
I miss the way Voodoo tastes, I thought to myself.
I wasn’t present at all. Thoughts kept tempting me into the past. I mounted him, to which he pulled his lips away from mine momentarily and told me he was a virgin.
“Everything is new and I don’t know how to do anything,” he said, “so if I’m awkward, that’s why.”
The first reaction in my mind was, Finally, I get to take a guys virginity.

Praying for Discernment, Seeing Him Truly, Calling Out Untruthful Thoughts, No Such Thing As Doer

When I sat down at the bar, I experienced a deep euphoria for several seconds. The hair on my body stood up and I felt wrapped in a warm fuzzy feeling of love. I closed my eyes and sank into that feeling. The only other time I had experienced such intensity of bliss was when I was very high on marijuana back in my teen years, sunbathing on the roof of my Prius, parked in the middle of a public forest preserve.
I chatted with a couple of guys that were sitting next to me at the bar. I asked if they were married, to which they both were, for almost two decades now! They were so young, I couldn’t even believe it at first. I asked them about their secrets to a healthy marriage and they both said consistent, honest communication and having the same core values.

Last Melody, Observing Tadpoles, Emotional Purge on Moxie Bald Mountain and Accidental Run In to Vegas

I played out stories, thoughts and memories as I watched the way I struggled to bring myself back into the present moment. And then it hit me. Something told me it was only the beginning of understanding everything that apparently occurred with Voodoo and how much mental pain I was actually in without ever even having realized it. Now came the time to feel through it all, along with the biggest lesson of all which was to forgive myself.

Intense Energy of Longing, Fried Dough and Mandalas, Justifying Blame Incorrectly and House of Prayer

When she dropped me off, we gave each other a deep hug with a loose promise that I would come back and stay with her whenever I passed through Millinocket. Then, I walked around the back of the building to find Pink sitting right on the porch and we greeted each other with screams of joy for our reunion. He showed me cool rocks with lichen patterns that he found, along with his new harmonica. I felt so grateful to have met him on this trip.

Summiting Katahdin Alone, Letting Go of Fantasies and Protected by the Grace of God

When Mo and I had talked to you over the phone, you sounded like a different person,” she said, “it was as if you weren’t really there and no matter what we were saying to you, it wasn’t getting through. You were unreachable.”
I told her I had a difficult time feeling emotions. It was as if I was putting up a field of protection, such like a wall, to combat his words and the kind of energy he was throwing at me.
CTM kept saying, “I really need you to know and understand that it’s not your fault.”
I closed my eyes and she repeated, “It’s not your fault.”
But he was so good at convincing me that it was. She reminded me how the devil always came in a disguise. For Voodoo, he was a charmer and an entertainer. In the beginning, he was so adamant about wanting to know everything about me—my story, my hardships, the things that felt vulnerable to me. And I felt after a while I could let my guard down and confide in him, not thinking he would ever use those things against me.

Accessing My Confidence, Rethinking Katahdin, Angels Watching Out For Me and Cops Getting Involved at Baxter

I never thought that I would take on so much pain and allow it for myself. I never thought I would be ‘that’ woman. I never thought I would find it so hard to leave. Because when it was good, it was so good. And in those moments, I truly never thought the opposite would come.
When I got to the ranger station at the top, I saw a bunch of other hikers there, but didn’t feel in a place where I was ready to converse with people. So, I went to sit at a picnic table across the bridge while I worked on my writing.
About two hours in, a law enforcement truck pulled up and a woman hopped out of the drivers seat, with a smile on her face and said, “You made it!”
I nodded yes, feeling a little bit confused. Then, a bunch of cops came out and began approaching me. One in particular was fully dressed in uniform from head to toe. He had his gun and bullet proof vest and an air of authority about him.
God fucking damnit, I thought to myself.

100 Mile Wilderness Not So Remote, Craving Intimacy From Men Who Are Unreachable and Understanding My Needs Are Worthy

And there it was. Convinced I was being too much again. Self conscious that my energy and space felt overwhelming, yet also feeling insecure when I felt I needed to “tone it down” so I wouldn’t overstep anyone’s boundaries. I felt like I just kept losing around him. No matter what I did or said, I seemed to always be doing it wrong or not good enough.
I turned over to my side and screamed as loud as I could into my pillow, feeling so much anger for receiving a lack of affection from the person I wanted it from the most.

Delusional Dance, Moosehead Lake Side Venture, Sense of Addiction and Craving for Connection

“You’re emotionless,” he said to me.
Wish I was, I thought to myself.
I was only temporarily numb. The feelings were actually so intense that I didn’t feel I could handle them at the time, so I did what I did best—shut them out. It felt like he was energetically shaking my body, wanting me to at least act a little bit more alive.
“I am experiencing so much mental pain,” I said, “I just don’t have the energy to do or say anything anymore.”
I didn’t have the energy to speak my truth which would inevitably turn into an argument. I felt he knew I was drifting away… from him and from myself. It was as if he didn’t know how to keep me in a solid piece and we were both scared because of it. In the end, we were just kids, trying to figure out what all of it meant, all the while feeling stuck in a delusional dance, keeping each other afloat while barely alive.

Crossing Boundaries, Buying into the Ego’s Game, Angels on My Path and Seeing Through the Perception

He wasn’t some sort of monster to me. He wasn’t someone scary, or narcissistic or someone whose reputation I wanted to ruin. He was my brother, showing me where I was still hurting and how I was talking to myself in my own mind. He was bringing all the shit up to help me see how I was treating myself in thought.
It seemed I still had some layers of victim mentality that I wanted to play out and he was the perfect candidate for me, helping me bring layers of subconscious thoughts to the surface to show me that this worldly game of separation wasn’t what I truly wanted.

Luna Moth Surprise Appearance, Understanding What it Means to Appreciate, Scattered Lakes and Mini Sand Beaches

I felt so miserable despite such beauty surrounding me. I wished I could learn how to appreciate another human being around me when I seemed to not be receiving the solitude time I appeared to want. It just felt like something was so wrong in that moment because I didn’t have what I thought I wanted. It felt as if the breathing of another was taking away from the sounds of nature around me.

Inescapable Grip, Reuniting with Pink and Memories of Childhood

Is this love? I thought to myself as I was getting rug burn on my back.
If this isn’t love, how do I so easily keep mistaking it for that? I mean, there’s passion in his eyes… he’s holding me tight, kissing me as if it will be our last time, whispering sweet nothings… but then why does my heart hurt so much? Why does everything feel so empty?
After he came on me, I laid there in a gentle calmness. I reminisced of when I laid on the carpeted floor in my parents guest bedroom, listening to AQUA on my CD player and making beaded bracelets. I remembered my innocence in that memory—highly attuned in the “now” and fully replenished and sustained by my own sustenance, for I knew that the life force energy I felt within came from God and I was the vessel that it moved through.

Internal Recognition, Wounding Patterns of Self Belief, Wavering Faith and Subconscious Games People Play

In the midst of all that, I could feel Spirit gently whispering to me, “Fear not, my child. Let not your heart be weary, for the Truth is already here. The past is already written and over.”
I communicated that I could just feel what kind of love existed and how I had witnessed it numerous times in other relationships, yet my faith seemed to waver the more I hung around Voodoo. It was clear to me that the feeling of doubt was stronger than my faith for a man to show up in a way that felt worthy to me. And so, I would keep bringing about what I felt undeserving of, because in this world, the feelings that felt stronger would be the ones that would inevitably manifest.

Flood Warning, Near Death Stream Crossings and Temptation to Blame and Project

He looked over through the bushes and goes, “Would you look at that beautiful pond? Aren’t you glad we took the blue blaze?!”
A few moments after that, we began our near death waterfall stream crossings. The first few we assumed were just kind of “for funsies” and then eventually they became tougher and tougher. There was one in particular that had a strong current, the water being a dark shade of mocha. Below was a waterfall with 100’ drop just past that.

Sherpa Mike Trail Angel, Damsel in Distress, Mystical Garden Path and Cascading Waterfalls Beside My Heart

The weather was ideal for hiking today—cloudy and cool. The mist in the air gave off a refreshing boost for our climb up the mountain. Along the way, we appreciated the intricacy of spiderwebs and the eerie effect the fog gave off. I stopped to take pictures of the peeling bark amongst the tree trunk. In the midst of the white clouds between the life of the trees, we walked, such like explorers of a mystical garden.

Pushing it to Katahdin, Weighed Down in Thoughts, Sweet Little Black Bear and Desiring to Stay True to My Heart

An older gentleman in a pick up truck picked us up. Voodoo placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I zoned out. I just couldn’t seem to shake the feelings off. I would move through waves of sadness, then numbness.
“You know, I used to hitchhike cross country back in the day,” the guy said, “I’ve seen this whole country just by sticking my thumb out on the side of the interstates.”
Normally, I would be talking peoples’ ears off when I was hitchhiking, wanting to know their stories and celebrating in synchronicities, but when I was with Voodoo, I became more and more passive.
“She’s being really quiet right now, but this girl hitchhikes cross country every year,” Voodoo said.
I looked out the window, reminiscing of what it felt like to roam free.
“Mhm, it was fun,” I said.
When Voodoo would speak to me, it was as if I would respond several seconds later, as if I was a robot waiting for the circuits in my brain to compute a sentence.

Loss of Presence, Changing Expressions, Disassociation and Finding God in the Secret Garden

Voodoo responded for me and said, “She’s good.”
I felt like I had nowhere to run. I was sick of crying, I was sick of feeling in so much mental pain. I felt the self worth I had built over the years dwindled away into a mere nothingness. I just wanted to feel okay, period. I just wanted to feel like I would be safe in his arms, which I actually did, but not in a healthy way. I could feel the tendency to depend on him for my answers and happiness. I could feel the temptation to rely on him when I was in pain… the endless game of wanting to dissect his actions and thoughts rather than just taking it for what it was at face value.

Killington Local Town Parade, Retracting From Crowds, Pure Vermont Maple Syrup and Connecting for Eternity

Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I ever really liked crowds. The only time I really did was when I was in my teens and early twenties and I viewed it as a time to dress half naked so boys could hit on me and I could get attention. It was also the time I would drink/do drugs which made me relax more into the public scenes. Now, I just felt more and more drawn to being in the woods and away from community.

Fox Crossing Our Path, Sneaking Some Fun in the Dressing Room, Staying Optimistic and Bathing Each Other with Cheap Motel Soap

We packed our bags, now extra heavy due to the weight of the water soaking into everything we owned. We hitched a ride into town to get a room for the night. First thing we did was lay out our gear and clothing to dry, then Voodoo invited me into the bathtub. It was a very small tub, but we made do with it. We bathed each other with cheap motel soap, starting from the neck and making it down to each others toes. I was unable to let him clean my feet because I was too ticklish.

Connecting with Lorax in North Adams, Dropping Belief Systems, Getting Caught in the Act and Entering Vermont

I thought back to what Hope had recently said, “Why does it matter to have people like you? Why is it important for someone who’s not even out there to have a perception of you that you want them to have? That’s not what the purpose of the illusion is, nor is receiving the perception that someone likes you what you really want.”
Right then, I relaxed and remembered I didn’t need to defend anyone or any belief system I seemed to hold. I could just drop it. I also realized that Hope would be laughing her ass off and in a state of appreciation if she was in the same situation. Once I let it go, I was able to connect back to the people in front of me.

Tone of Voice, State of Shock and a Slave to the Ego

I felt so embarrassed, disrespected and out of bounds. I never felt comfortable having disagreements in public and causing a scene that didn’t need to be a scene in the first place. Those conversations felt personal to me and I desired to work through them in a very intimate, soft way.
He apologized after taking some deep breaths and continued to climb the mountain with me, then said, “I’m sorry. I just have really strong feelings for you that sometimes I forget you’re your own person.”
We took a break in a stone building near the summit and ate our leftover pizza. I still couldn’t shake off the feeling.
I kept thinking to myself, What the fuck just happened?

Reminiscing on Gentleness, Emotionally Naked, Intervention and Facing Rejection

It seemed he was emotionally available when he was aroused and wanted to have sex. I started to notice a weird pattern in myself where I wanted more and more sex out of him because of that. I wanted to make out more, to feel his fingers up my pussy, to feel his cock throbbing against my clit all of the time. I wanted him penetrating me 24/7 and I was starting to think that it was only because that was the only time I actually felt connected to him. It was the only time I felt noticed and cherished by him… the only time I felt he was actually being present.

Squirrel Thief, Porcupine and Bear Encounter, Mud Puddles and Hung Up on Affection

There was a deep pattern of wanting to be desired and seen, without having to ask. I craved gentleness and loving affection so much and I kept mistakenly looking at Voodoo to give it to me. I was so hung up on how well he pleasured me in bed and during foreplay that I seemed to trick my mind into thinking he didn’t love me if he didn’t provide the same caring gestures outside of the bedroom.

Blueberry Croissants in Salisbury, 1984 Olympics, Celebrity Meryl Streep and Placing Pressure on Myself

I had overheard someone talking behind my back without them knowing I was listening. It was a gift for me because I saw how offended I got, for one. And for two, it made me think about how many times I had done that, myself. I recalled times when I had talked about people as if they weren’t there or whispered as if it was something I wouldn’t want the so called person to hear. I would forget to ask myself, Is this something I would say to the person’s face? It helped me see how much I didn’t want to play that kind of game anymore and that it was petering out of my experience.

Enjoy the Ride, Lavender Fields, Transmuting the Perception of Pain and Making Love Under the Moonlight

In the moment of that apparently happening, I appeared so saddened, yet it was so obvious, once again, how everything was showing up in my perception just for me to see through. It was a gift because I was being shown that I was making the world real and I knew that based off of my internal reaction.
Still, I cried intensely. It felt like a trauma response and everything around me started to go blank as the ringing in my ears began. I felt myself go in and out of numbness. Voodoo pulled me in close as he threw the sleeping bag over our heads. With my eyes closed, I let the tears stream endlessly as I felt through what seemed to be a deep pain.

Golden Play, Fat Porcupines, Empire State Trail Detour and Speaking to God Under the Crescent Moon

I felt that air of sadness come up before going to bed, as if something was missing or out of place. I didn’t understand why I was hurting so much in my mind. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be happy with the perception of another man in my presence for so long.
I looked out of our tent at the crescent moon and I thought to myself, I just want to have a moment to talk to God right now.
And then right at that moment, a shooting star flew right beneath the moon and I knew everything was going to be okay.

Shopping for Date Night, Lust Versus Love and Provision

My heart needed much more than just the physical act of him paying. For one, I wanted it to come from his heart and not feel like it was some sort of burden. He assured me it wasn’t, but then would make consistent comments about how much something cost or how I “better enjoy it” because it cost “x” amount of dollars. There seemed to be stress around it for him, so I told him numerous times that I would rather pay for myself if he wanted to keep commenting on how much things cost.
It was okay to have preferences and if he didn’t resonate with a girl who wanted to have men provide for her, I completely understood. I was capable of separating ways and moving on; in fact, I felt it was better to figure out what dynamics worked for each other and which ones didn’t, so that we could both cut to the chase rather than pretending we were okay with certain things.

Slack-packing NJ, Crossing the NY State Line, Recognizing What it Means to Be in a Healthy Relationship and Requiring Simplicity

When they were alone, he was a totally different person. He never complimented her and it made her feel like she wasn’t pretty or maybe not good enough in the bedroom since she didn’t have any prior experience. She said she would hold onto the compliments that other men would give her, holding onto them so strongly in her mind for days and even weeks because she wouldn’t receive it at home. She would get high off that moment in her mind because she never got that from her own man. She felt dead inside. All of what she shared started to sound really familiar in my own experience.

Wet Shoes from Morning Dew, Escape Proof Sex Doll, Splitting 50/50 and Disassociating Day to Day

I overheard Ray whisper to Voodoo, “Is she okay?”
I noticed I had been starting to disassociate more often. I had been feeling less present in my experience around me. I didn’t feel as happy anymore and I was so tempted to blame Voodoo for it.
If only he loved me enough.
If only he gave me more attention.
If only he showed me he cared through his apparent actions.
The thing was, I had a hard time admitting to myself that I was part of the problem and that it was not an actual possibility for me to be a victim in the situation, nor would it even make sense. He had shown me numerous things from day one that let me know he wasn’t the guy for me, yet I kept coming back around. I kept my mouth and desires shut, all in trade for the way he fucked me so good. I felt he knew he had that against me and was even using it to his advantage.

Japanese Man Singing Euro Songs, Drawn Towards Modesty, Living Contradiction and Feelings of Unworthiness

Overall, I really just wanted to be happy. I really just wanted to feel as if I felt God in my heart and that I wasn’t so wavering in my apparent emotions. I still had faith. I had faith I would be laughing about this stuff some day, even though the chances appeared so slim. Beneath that perception, I felt a strong feeling sense that awakening from this apparent pain would be coming soon. I knew that eventually I would see the meaninglessness of it all and that truly, I didn’t have to worry, for the perception of this world had nothing to do with being worthy. In fact, the world was here to show me that I was unworthy. It had nothing to do with Reality. My worth wasn’t dependent on things that faded and turned to dust and death.

Being Naughty and Sneaking Around, Road Walking to Branchville, Connecting with Ray

Voodoo started to make some coffee first thing in the morning and I felt like escaping his grip for a moment. I had my hair in a ponytail for the first time on trail and a tight fitted biker shirt, so I decided to go on a walk and maybe run into the cute hiker named Mountain Goat. I really wanted to flirt lightly with someone new and get that tingly sensation in my yoni. I knew he had camped in the gazebo right beside the church, so I decided to go over there and say hello, maybe even let him sneak a peek at my nipples through my tight shirt.

Calmness of Nature, Sensory Overload, Pulling Away From Voodoo and Fine Tuning My Apparent Desires

We got dropped off by W.I.C. at the trailhead and she hiked some of the trail with us. She was doing trail maintenance, picking up trash and dismantling fireplaces. Voodoo and I hiked on as it started to rain steady for the last few miles. We came upon a pond and I tried looking for frogs to catch. I had zero luck for they were all too slick and fast. I was drawn to the way the rain pitter pattered upon the water. Something in my mind felt off. It felt like that calmness of nature’s expression was nowhere to be found within me.

First Time Orgasm, Patterns of Jealousy/Insecurity and Revealing a Sense of Vulnerability

We took a zero today and hung out in town. Voodoo helped fix a flat tire for W.I.C., then we shopped at REI and went to the grocery store so he could buy some energy drinks.
While we were in the checkout line, I noticed how Voodoo became drawn to a magazine that had a half naked chick on it. There had been a common theme where he would show me that his attention still resided in other women, such as moments like that or him checking out/talking about other women.
It took a really long time to communicate what appeared to upset me, but I felt so grateful that I did. I realized I had nothing to be afraid of. I was scared he would laugh at me or he would belittle me, but it was the opposite. Even if he did make fun of me or put me down, I would just know he wasn’t the right man for me.

Contemplating My Relationships, Sharing My Truth Even if My Voice Shakes, Well Fed and Stylish, Leather Jackets in June and W.I.C. Planting a Seed

“My husband and I are very calm people and we like a calm space. We live a very simple life,” she said.
Just being in her house for an hour or two, I was able to get a visual representation/taste of what kind of relationship would feel good for me. Her husband was helping her with a crossword puzzle as they had classical music quietly playing in the background. I bathed in that sense of peace. A seed was planted within me of the way I desired to set boundaries and what kind of relationships I envisioned of having in the future. I thought about the amount of peace that was in the household, something I didn’t even know could even be a possibility, and I started to trust that I, too, could have something like that someday.

Rocksylvannia, Wedding Venues and Fruit Platters, Vertebrae Macramé Bones

While we were sitting at our table, I watched a young couple waiting in line. Her boyfriend seemed to be whispering something to his girl, trying to cheer her up. Her facial expression seemed airy, as if her mind was in the clouds, sort of unsatisfied about something that she didn’t even know was bothering her. Watching that dynamic between them felt bittersweet. It felt as if there was an energetic dance going on of the man trying to use his logical brain to “fix” what appeared to be the problem, while she was in her feelings just riding out the wave of emotions.

No Other Outside of Me, Sadistic Behavior, Taking Responsibility and Seeing Through the Patterns

I called Hope Johnson to be my voice of reason. She always knew how to bring me into a state of relaxation. She reminded me that it was a pattern that needed to play out and my job was to keep watching myself with awareness. I told her how I kept getting backlash when I communicated to people that nothing was real, but then felt like a contradiction, myself.
“When you start to go down the path of teaching, there’s a lot of contradictions and inconsistencies. You’ll say the world isn’t real but then act like it is,” she said.
She reminded that it could take years because the ego loved drama and making conflict for it gave it a false sense of being alive. However, true love involved zero drama. True love was deep, calm and in complete peace. I told her what an amazing teacher she was for me and that I felt like a little kid, striving to develop that kind of peace within myself.
“Remember,” she said, “you’re actually playing out a feeling of unworthiness rather than worthiness when you convince yourself you need sex from a person.”

Covered in Chains, Sneaky Sex While Hitchhiking, Firefly Taking Me Home and Trading Spirit for Sin

When I looked at the ripples, I remembered that I didn’t owe my body to anyone. It wasn’t even about Voodoo; it was about all my lovers and my future lovers to come. I desired to move beyond the sexual/physical realm and to just be in complete union with God. But there seemed to be a double persona within me. There was a deep desire to be apparently sinful and out of Spirit in trade for a minuscule feeling of a short lived physical orgasm.
Then, Voodoo snapped his finger at me and I snapped out of that voice of reason and got on my knees for him until his cock grew hard in my mouth.

Married Snake Couple, Unnecessary Drama, Free Church Dinner for Hikers and Dropping the Images I Had Made

Manimal said he had dated a lot of women and he felt grateful for the experiences he shared with them, but that he never felt the way he did in comparison with his wife.
“What’s the secret?” I asked.
“Brutally honest raw communication,” he said, “it’s so important to be honest, because then you’ll know if that person actually loves you for you rather than some image you made.”

Facade of Freyja, Fingering Myself in Front of Him While He’s Asleep, Half Gallon Challenge and Fucking Away the Pain

However, only about half an hour went by of him not fucking me which led to me crying. It felt my hormones were so intense I could die. I felt I wished I could fuck Voodoo all of the time. There was something in me that never felt satisfied. I wanted to walk around with the feeling of his cock filling me up every second of the day, with endless cum flowing down my leg that I could scoop up and lick up whenever I needed a fix of him.

Shoving Me into the Dirt, Taking in His Girth, Pinecone Heart and Lotus Flowers

“Did I ask you? No. Now take your fucking pants off,” he barked.
I did as he said. From there, he began to finger me, watching my face while doing so. It felt like it was hurting me, so I expressed it in my facial reaction.
“Do you like it?” he asked, "cause I don’t think you’re actually enjoying it.”
I looked away aloofly.
“I’ll make you like it,” he said as he spat on my face, completely covering my glasses with drooping wet globs.
He slid his fingers in deeper.
“Filthy fucking whore,” he whispered, as he released the grip around my neck then shoved me down into the dirt.

Triple Voyeur, Putting on a Show and Mason Dixon Line

In the mid afternoon, Voodoo had spotted a cliff that he wanted to take a break on, so we climbed up some jagged rocks and laid out our mats. I swear, he didn’t even have to do anything for me to be all over his cock 24/7. Just him laying there so calm and nonchalant, invitingly displaying his bulge, had me desperate for a taste. I got even more excited when I saw a group of college boys sitting on a log just below us. Figured I’d give them a little show.

Fucking in a Library, Superman Fantasy, Eraserhead and Perceiving Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

Early in the afternoon we went to the library, because it was one of Voodoo’s fantasies to get fucked in one. When we got there, I did a walk around and said it wasn’t possible. It was too exposed and the employees were already on our asses from the moment we walked in.
"We look like trouble,” Voodoo said.
So, we sat there and jokingly planned out an escape route in case we did go through with it and got caught. As we were talking about it, I grew excited at the very idea and figured why not take a risk.

Condescending Kinks, Blue Blaze Detour, Waves of Sadness and Moon Walking in Harper’s Ferry

Voodoo whispered, “He’s right there.” My pussy opened up for him as he continued, “he’s right there listening to your moans.”
He felt how wet I became and got on top to slip his cock in, quickly picking up the pace of his thrusts, fucking me deeper and harder. His eyes grew sultry with lust. Then, he spat on my face and smirked when I grew frustrated.
He says, “Awe, you look so cute when you’re angry,” he mocked, “mm, so pitiful,” then rammed his cock in harder.
I could feel my pussy throbbing for every inch of him in that moment, unsure as to why him making fun of me and acting condescending got me off so much.
“You gonna cry?” he provoked, "cause I like it when you cry—shit gets me off.”

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride, Played with Under the Moonlight, Little Mouse Visiting the Shelter and Trail Magic at Bear’s Den Hostel

Then, I laid in his arms and he looked down at me as though I was his little girl. He opened my legs gently and played with my clit until I came for him again. I felt so loved and pleased. Just knowing it was his hands touching me seemed to always get me off so quickly. It felt so magical to have an orgasm while laying under the canopy of trees with the warm summer wind in the air and the face of my lover above me being reflected by the moonlight. It felt like such a playful intimate exploration and what my heart desired deeply in that moment.

Jerking Him Off Under the Table, Shopping Cart Adventures in Front Royal, Playful with Hitchhiking and Purple Flowers in Our Hair

Overall, we decided to road walk the Shenandoah section alongside the trail, which was considered the old AT. I had a difficult time in this section, mentally. Most everyone I met in the south seemed to hype up the Shenies and I was expecting to see a lot, but instead found myself disappointed and complaining internally.
It seemed there were no views and just the same trees over and over again. I felt suffocated. But, I was sure I’d look back on it some day and romanticize it, talking about how much I missed being surrounded by the Virginia trees. By the end of the Shenies, we stuck to the road since it felt more open and there were more promising views.

Hiking Skyline Drive, Innocent Cum Angel, Hiker Watching Me Go Down on Voodoo and Blurring the Lines Between Real and the Fake

One of the hiker guys walked in on me as I was giving him a blowjob. I had my back turned so all I saw was Voodoo giving someone a thumbs up and smiling.
“Is anyone in the room?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Voodoo points and loudly says, “some guy is right there, watching us.”
I turned around to look as the hiker pulled his glasses down to the tip of his nose, then creepily said, “I’m not watching you.”

28” Pizza, Public Play, Blue Ridge Tunnel Side Quest and Primal Obsession

After we made it through, we laid in the grass so I could digest the pizza.
Voodoo looked at me and said, “I love how you smell like a woman. Your sweat smells so sweet, just like flowers.”
I knew exactly what he meant, for I felt the same way about him smelling like a man. He was so musky and smelled of dirt and trees. I wanted to tell him how I felt I was falling in love with him, but I felt scared. I also didn’t want it to get to his head, and truthfully, mine, so I kept quiet.

Synchronistic Ride to Waynesboro, Secretly Getting Each Other Off in the Backseat, Avant Garde Cheap Motel and Dancing with the Darkness

It was a blessing and a curse for me to see the beauty in people and to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I was learning to be careful and be more mindful of guarding my heart. I seemed to have a pattern of painting pretty pictures over people, such as making them out to be something they weren’t, instead of taking them to be as they were. Regardless, I felt I knew better than to commit to someone long term if I didn’t feel my heart was in it.

Accidentally Branding Sidetracked, Getting Walked on a Leash at AT Trail Days, French Kissing During a Therapy Session and BBQ at the Fiddle

At one point, he threw his arm around another girl as he was still walking me on the leash. It felt like a huge blow to me. I realized right in that moment how clear it was that I wasn’t interested in feeling like a “side” girl. It was a big ‘no’ in my energy field and I even told him how I’ve never been more turned off by him then in that moment. I felt myself pull away from him energetically, a part of my heart now closed.
Although an exhibitionist, sexual play was a very intimate experience for me. It was my biggest love language, so I needed a lot of attention from my lover in that arena. I needed to be shown consistently that I was his one and only and that he was completely devoted to me, otherwise I would start losing interest fast.

Pain Body Addiction, Luxe the Voyeur, Saliva Swapping and Bonfire at Trail Days

I swallowed it, then, one by one, I french kissed each guy, swapping saliva while I felt their cocks growing through their pants. I asked Gas Monkey if he wanted a taste, too. He most definitely did. After I was done, I saw a big group of people that just watched the whole scenario unfold and I became so aroused. My pussy throbbed and dilated in my panties.

Hitching a Ride from Mike Klumpp, Thrift Shopping with Slug, Gift of Peace Seeming to Be Out of Reach and Piggyback Rides from Jimmy Dean

As I was headed back to the field, I ran into Jimmy Dean and the rest of the day it became our mission to find our beloved Pink.
I was growing tired and it was about to get dark, so I said, “Okay, one more round around tent city!”
He piggybacked me through the bushes so I wouldn’t get touched by poison ivy, then said we had to listen for his raspy voice, instead of look for him visually.
Good point, I thought.
Almost immediately, we heard his laugh along with his smoker’s cough in between.
“PIIIINK!” we shouted.
Jimmy Dean threw me into his arms as Pink kissed me and gave me a long, deep hug. I cried from excitement when I saw him. His voice and presence felt so calming to me, despite his personality expressing anything but that.

Easy to Ply, Cock Blocks, Bruised Knees and Unwanted Foursome

Wisdom Empath picked me up early in the morning and shuttled me to the trail to finish up my section southbound. Everything was still wet and slippery from the late night rain and early morning dew. I saw my favorite flowers, lily of the valleys, dispersed and sprouting throughout the forest ground.
I felt so tired today. At one point, I fell asleep on a random dirt road when I was taking a break. I heard someone walk by and so I raised my head and opened one eye to find it was a really hot guy. All of a sudden, I perked right up and it was time for me to get up. I was tired, but never tired enough for some new cock.

Magnum Condoms, Explosive Beer, Deep Fried Oreos and My New Victim

My next move was to get to Bland to finish up a section. A woman and her friend were already headed in that direction, so they offered to give me a ride all the way there. The whole drive, all I could think about was cock and how desperately I wanted to get fucked by someone. I experienced intense waves of pleasure in my yoni as I became lost in fantasy. Maybe Spirit would align me with a cutie. Anything was possible.
They dropped me off at the outpost in the pouring rain. The weather didn’t look too promising for the rest of the day. I walked into the quaint little store and the first thing I saw was a hottie of a man sitting in the corner of the store. I assumed he was waiting on a meal. He was very tall, pale skinned, fully covered in dark tattoo sleeves and sported a nicely cut thick beard with strands of grey in between.
My new victim, I thought to myself.

Synchronistic Meeting, Faded Memories, Distracted by the Screen

What resonated for me was to be alone, so I stuck by it. Once I made it down to Route 56, I began hitchhiking and got picked up by a guy who was super into bird watching. It was perfect timing because the rain just began to hit the asphalt. I watched the way it would steam and the way the scent would come off the ground.
I closed my eyes and softly said, “I love this sound.”
I was brought back to vivid memories of my childhood when my parents were driving us back home from the airport after a vacation. I remembered the way the rain pitter pattered on the windshield with the fading sound of them talking, their voices drifting me to sleep. And then I thought about how trippy the concept of memories were, as I convinced myself that the past was real and that stuff actually happened.

Cuckolding Fantasy, Learning to Be Myself and Black Snake Guidance

“There is a clear boundary that my wife can fuck other men, but I can’t, because it wouldn’t turn either one of us on,” he said, “What gets me off is watching her get pleasured by another guy as I masturbate and watch. I love seeing her facial expressions as she gets lost in the moment by taking someone else's cock. My favorite is when she swallows his load or when he cums inside of her and then I get to come in and fuck her while I can still feel his load. It ends up being some of the best sex we ever had.”

Root Canal on Trail, Twisted Minds and Trail Magic Massage

I was really attracted to him. I thought about how much it would turn me on to give him a blowjob while he drove me around in his truck. Something about his nonchalant personality and tone of voice had me going ever since I met him.
“I have a twisted mind,” he shared.
“I do, too,” I said.
“Yeah, I know,” he said, “I could tell just by looking into your eyes.”

Praying to Fly Far Away, False Evidence Appearing Real, Paying the Price and Confessing My Sins in the Priest Shelter Log Book

I looked up at the sky and watched as the birds flew high above me. I envied their freedom and the way they appeared so out of reach. I remembered when I was a little girl, I used to pray to grow sparkly white angel wings so I could fly far away from this world. Every time I was on the road with my family, I used to ask my Dad to buy me wishing stones and, every single time, for years, I made the same wish.
But, God worked in mysterious ways. He grew me symbolic wings, that being, He gave me the strength to walk in my Faith, even on days I felt at my weakest. He would carry my weary body and lift me up in the moments where I felt I couldn’t carry the weight anymore. I was never alone, no matter how much the ego attempted to convince me I was. The delusional world had false evidence disguised as truth, when in fact, it was nothing short of chaos.

Helicopter Crash, Raging Balls of Hail, Cuckold Fantasy and Releasing the Daggers

I was a professional at convincing myself I was lost/hurt because of something that “happened” in the world. There was this apparent battle of wanting to form healthy romantic relationships while simultaneously wanting to fuck men and leave. But, there was willingness to trust, even when I didn’t see the results I desired to see on the surface.
Sometimes, I held so much faith in the body sense, but lately, when I felt the feeling of loss or the experience of heavy tears arising, my Spirit knew I was only just pretending. In the midst of the pain, I reminded myself I was just kidding, for I couldn’t really be sad. I was experiencing a perception of sadness and watching a dance of misery unfold. I painted pictures in my fantasy of how I wanted things to appear, but that was that—it was only but a fantasy.

Cartoons for Blue, Girl Time with Pringles, Awkward Flirting and Burning a Silver Maple Tree Stump

I came back home to Boo for the night. It was really nice to see him again after being out all day. We went out in his backyard to pass some time. There was a sweet, sharp scent of fresh cut grass and the nostalgic melody of oldies music playing through his speaker. He had a small bonfire going in the middle of his field, in attempt to burn out a dead tree trunk.
“I’ve been having a war with this silver maple stump,” he said, “I’ve tried everything for over a year and a half to get it out of the ground, but it just doesn’t seem to budge.”

Borrowing a Husband to Pleasure Me Before Hitching Back to Pearisburg

He told me sob stories of him and his wife and how things weren’t going well—a clear sign he wasn’t happy or committed to her at all. Easy victim, I thought to myself. I looked at him as I undressed his body with my eyes.
With a sultry voice, I moaned, “You’re so tempting, you know that?”
“Oh, you’re trouble,” he said.
I tilted my head slightly as I let out a gentle sigh, as if unsatisfied that I couldn’t have a taste of his thick European cock right then and there.
“We need to go on a drive,” he said.
I agreed. He walked me to his car that was parked directly in front of the hikers. We told them we would be back shortly. As soon as I got in the car, I felt my body buzz with a tingling excitement.
He was so handsome to me. His skin a delicious shade of mocha, with a trace scent of musky cologne and beer. As he reversed out of his driveway, I took his right hand and observed it to see if he would be a good candidate for feeling up my naked body. His palms and the back of his hands were covered in calluses and rough scars.
“Mm, hard worker,” I said as I placed his hand on my inner thigh.

Virginia Blues, Next Level Hiker Trash and Recognizing Your Freedom

Sometimes, I wished people could just snap out of it and recognize their life was meant for having fun and following where the inspiration guided them. On your death bed, it wasn’t going to matter if you worked a corporate job or what kind of car you drove. What was going to matter was the experiences you had and the love you shared along the way.

Feeling Sense of Being Interrupted, Wishing to Live in the Wild and Accepting Who I Appear to Be

I noticed I felt a lot more acceptant in owning the fact that I enjoyed experiencing multiple men. It was just the way I rolled when I was single and I didn’t feel called to hide it from anyone anymore, because in the end, I was only hiding it from myself. If someone resonated with where I was at, they would be in my life, if not, they would leave. It was okay for me either way and I didn’t hold anyone accountable to stay in my field. Regardless of what my actions appeared to look like on the surface, I knew it could change in an instant. So, I would be here until the patterns faded out, because sooner or later they would.

Favorite Shuttle Driver, Christians Struggling for Forgiveness, Small Town Living and Barn Camping

Eventually, they both got buzzed and played air guitar together to some background rock n’ roll music. Sean made me a rose out of a napkin while they played a few rounds of billiard.
Everyone knew them and they knew everyone—guess that was what it was like living in a small town. Boo gave me deets of the latest small town drama: where a meth lab used to reside, drama involving money between a drunk husband and ex-wife sitting at the bar and peoples’ latest love affairs.

Take Away My Pain, Finding Strength to Share, Zip Ties and Party Tent

He pressed on my fingernails to check my circulation—I felt needles and a sense of numbness forming quickly. The group started to walk back toward the car. I really wanted to be revealed as I was, covered in ropes and zip ties, letting everyone witness my being held captive. However, instead, he quickly wrapped his down jacket around me, just seconds before they opened the door. Knowing I was like a caged animal in heat, he smiled mischievously and, simultaneously, leaned over to kiss me while he opened the window to let in some fresh air.

Hiking Alone Versus with a Group, No Such Thing as Being a Victim, Dramatic Reunion with Voodoo and Playing Games with Myself

Overall, we had decided it would be best if we continued on our journey in separate ways. It felt easier for both of us, or at least more logical. Regardless, I was ready to slow down again in my mind. I was ready to be with God and to be relieved of the burdens I had been carrying—it had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. I didn’t want to hurt myself as I had been, and by hurting myself, I meant intentionally hurting others through the games I played, because really, the only person I was playing was myself.

Spending the Night at a Homestead, Visiting Voodoo Through a Logbook and the Misperception of Safety

Right before going to bed, Pusher fingered me, making me squirt onto the bed. My moans carried on beyond the walls where others could hear, fooling them into believing I was enjoying myself. I turned over and fell asleep in an air of aloofness, wishing to be somewhere happy. I wished to understand that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t want to just to receive a perception of safety and protection. I wished to know of how to experience that sense of peace full time, without attaching to the ego's promises of it being found in this fleeting world.

Dirty Girl and Spoiled Bitch, Voodoo Infiltrating My Mind as I Learn to Let Go

As we started walking again, he said, “I can still smell you on me. Your scent is addictive.”
Silence as my reply, he asked me what was on my mind.
“Voodoo,” I said.
In all honesty, I hadn’t stopped thinking about him since I parted ways with him. He had infiltrated my mind. There was no one who tasted like him or could make my pussy throb with such ease. His scent… intoxicating. I remembered how I would lay beside him at night, my face resting on his arm as he would breathe and I would inhale his very essence. His breath, that of fumes from a place I had long been searching for. He felt like home and I would run to him if only he would let me.

Undercooked Waffles, Surprise Dinner Date, Breath of Despair and Veiling the Pain in My Eyes

I asked him to sit on the same side of the booth as me so I could feel him close to me.
He started toying with my clit and teased me ever so gently with his words, whispering, "I'm thinking about letting you feel my throbbing cock right now, but I don't think you will since you like to disobey me so much."
My head fell back and I clenched my inner
"Mm," he moaned, "your mouth is gonna look so good with my cock inside of it."
"Now," he informed, "hands on the table."
The restaurant full of people, I reached over to grab at his throbbing cock, in hopes he would understand that I couldn’t resist.

Dream Symbolism, Frustration with Drivers and Change of Direction

I had told him numerous times along the drive that he didn’t owe me a ride and that he could drop me off at the next exit—that there was no pressure or obligation to take me anywhere. I could tell where the energy was headed, sensing he expected a certain behavior out of me. He insisted to drive me further, so I rolled with the wave.

Class Presentation, Flirting with Ridgerunners and Annabelle the Crazy Shelter Rat

My energy was in a quiet space today. I felt really introverted and didn’t want to talk to anyone. It was funny because the moment I felt gratitude for the quietness, I made it down to the road and a massive bus pulled into the parking space. The second my foot touched the pavement, the driver opened the door and a bunch of kids came running out.
“For fucks sake,” I said under my breath.

Adventures in El Paso, Trail Daddy, Weed Bust and List of Lovers

There was a man on the plane who was sitting behind me. I overheard him talking to the guy beside him, sharing a story about how he picked up a hitchhiker girl one time and how they did LSD together. Eventually, she jumped out of the car when she started tripping too hard.
“She must’ve gotten psyched out about something,” he said.
I turned around and said, “I love your story.”
“Thank you,” he said, “have you ever hitchhiked before?”
I laughed at the irony of the situation and said, “Oh, let me tell you…”

Silver City Ecstatic Dance, Past Love Affairs, Nymph Games and Living Out a Hollow Life

Sometimes, I wished I could see my worth. I knew it lingered in my mind somewhere… deep down in the darkness I made to cover up my light. My pussy swollen from all the cocks I had been taking… inflated from fingering myself every night… fattened from using foreign objects to abuse my labia. Regardless of the physical and emotional pain I penetrated myself with, I still wanted to take his cock.
With warmth between my thighs and a wish to forget about my hollow life, I begged, “Come fuck me.”

Free Pancakes, CDT Trail Days, Mountain Biking on the Dragonfly Trail and Reminiscing of the Time in the Backcountry

I went out to eat with Knee Melter for one last hoorah before parting ways for the year. We got some sandwiches at the Toad and enjoyed the calm energy of the place, unlike the day prior. Something about being in his space brought me back to the days where I felt like a true adventurer. His energy reminded me of a time with more simplicity, a more authentic character trait in myself and a path directed towards what my heart desired.

Road Walking the CDT, Hint of Danger and Flirting with Rock Climbers

When I was near the end of completing the road walk, Bud pulled up in his car. I smiled and hopped in the passenger seat as if I was a stranded hitchhiker in need of a ride. The second I got in, we started making out as if we were already lovers. His saliva tasted so deliciously sweet—I knew his pre-cum would be even better. I felt so excited to know I’d be getting a full taste of him soon. There was a trace scent of alcohol on his lips, but I didn’t mind—it added a hint of danger.

Finding Our Path, Meeting a Fellow Hitchhiker, Our Mission on Earth and Synchronistic Encounters

I really resonated with Huck El Berry’s energy. The moment I looked into his eyes, I could tell he was a genuinely chill guy. He was one of the most respectful men I had been around and he never once made me feel uncomfortable at any moment, which felt super wholesome after years of dudes trying to touch/hit on me while hitchhiking. I could be as I was without feeling I had to filter myself. He respected my space as if I was his sister. In my life experience, to experience a sense of safety/comfort in the presence of a man felt like a blessing. It was a message to myself of what kind of people existed and of whom I wanted to hang around with.

McAfee Knob, Voyeurism, Accidentally Breaking My Molar Tooth and Hitchhiking Across the Country

After she dropped me off, I decided to hitch for a couple more minutes before I called it for the day. Last guy that picked me up was a man named Miguel who was driving home to Louisiana. He said he would give me a ride as far as he could.
He played the song Tennessee Whiskey. I thought it was ironic because one of my rides last year played that song for me as they drove me to Silver City, NM. He also happened to be a Mexican guy who barely spoke English. Something about receiving synchronicities in my perception always reminded me that I was exactly where I needed to be.

Speckled Bunnies, Boom Boom Room and Reunited with Voodoo at Four Pines Hostel

I didn’t want to think about the feelings that were coming up and so I disguised them with the distraction of physical pleasure. I looked at him in his eyes and started to finger myself under the sleeping bag in the middle of a room full of people. He locked eyes with me so strongly knowing how much I was getting myself off. He would let out a sneaky smirk anytime someone walked directly by us. I loved doing things that only him and I knew were happening. That secret kind of flirting that was only shared between him and I.

Sherbet Skies, Aggressive Goats and the Stigma Around Pack Weight

I woke up feeling refreshed and excited to take on the day. I walked in the darkness and used my night time vision to scope out the trail. I witnessed a plethora of wildlife slowly wake up from their slumber while the cotton candy sky turned to sherbet and the golden orb began to make its appearance through the branches.
In the early afternoon, I met a group of wild goats who were very adamant about stealing my trekking poles and nibbling on my salty thighs. They started to become pretty aggressive and petty so I said my farewells to them.

Girl Talk at New River, Letting Go of Blame and Releasing Energetic Ties

As we watched the waves roll on by, she offered some advice on what she learned through her experience with men over the years. She helped me regain the confidence in myself and to hold courage for myself when it came to holding boundaries and expressing myself through vulnerability/femininity. She re-sparked in me what it meant to follow my heart and to remember that I was worthy of only the Highest Love.

Wet Dreams, Hitching to Pearisburg, Steak Versus Beef Argument

Last night, Voodoo kept talking in his sleep, making comments about how he had to pee really bad.
I joked, “Don’t go into the bathroom, it’s a trap!”
After the fourth or fifth time of him bringing it up, I started fantasizing about him pissing himself.
I mumbled, “Just pee right here.”
Well, I received my wish. We woke up at the break of dawn to my sleeping bag completely soaked in his piss.

Trail Angel Shep, Rookies in the Woods and Triggered Reactions

He brought the rope underneath my pussy and lifted the cord so that it would make a thong-like effect in between my slit; the cord slipping deeper in between my lips each time I forced my hands down. I began rubbing my clit back and forth against the rope, moaning while doing so. I saw his cock growing in his shorts with each slithering motion of the rope gliding against my body. He whipped his cock out of his shorts to show me how thick and hard he was for me.
“This is all for you,” he said.

Solitude at Laurel Fork Falls, Cleansed by the River and Learning How to be Vulnerable

I went hiking alone today to connect some dots of the section I accidentally skipped. I immediately felt a sense of home when I was off in the woods alone again. When I made it down to Laurel Fork Falls, I watched as the river of water flowed beneath my feet and I remembered how wholesome it felt to experience the sensation in solitude and silence. I got a confirmation that it was time to part ways with my lover.

Pringles Emitting Wisdom, AT Macramé Wall Hanging at Boots Off and Being Persuaded in a New Direction

He said, “You can’t look at me like that, especially when you’re dating someone else. It would crush him if he saw.”
I sat there in an air of aloofness.
He said the way I looked at him was addictive—as though I was his lover, teacher, God, brother and father all in one.
My eyes read, Just take me right now.
He caught my vibe and said, “Oh my god, you might as well just start touching yourself right here and now. I mean, you’re already halfway there.”

Attraction Versus Pain, Pattern of Running Away, Deafening Silence and the Battle Between Two Lovers

“There’s so many things I’m going to do to you when you’re in proper submission,” he mused, “when you’re fully gagged and blindfolded. On your knees, with your arms tied behind your back and then to your ankles.”
I started panting through the patterns of my breath, feeling like he was making love with me through the poetry of his words.
My mouth watered as he continued to paint the picture, “In the middle of the woods at 2am, only being able to smell me and feel my touch as you wonder if I’ve left you there… or if I’m right beside you. I’ll run the tip of my cock across your lips so you can taste my seed as a reward for not calling out in fear... for trusting that I wouldn’t leave you there all alone. And then, seeing the smile spread across your face as you greedily tongue the tip of my cock.”
He locked eyes with me and asked, “You wet yet?”

Easter Service Dictator Sermon, Greek God Gas Station Guy, Cinnamon Being a Cock Block and Cumshots Gone Wrong

He made minimal noise when he was fucking me, no grunts or anything like that. His pleasure was revealed through his eyes and the intensity that his cock throbbed. I knew exactly what he meant when he said I made him feel like a man, because he just as much made me feel like a woman. Especially when he was on top of me, penetrating me not just with his cock but with his overall existence.

Weaving in Solitude, Reminiscing Childhood and Unraveling Pieces of Past Trauma

I felt sadistic. I knew I was playing head games with him. Part of the seduction process was to establish an emotional connection/bond. I would cry in front him, making him feel as if I depended on him. I could appear to attach to him, yet I knew in my heart that I could also leave him behind and move on to my next victim at any moment. I was talented at building the feelings up, just as I was talented at breaking people down. An artificial high to keep people at arms length, in fear of getting my heart broken.

Shattered Glass, Forbidden Blood and Filling My Void at Boots Off Hostel

Drool poured from out of my mouth. The deeper he filled my void, the more I wasn’t able to recognize that I was running from my own darkness. He took my drool and wiped it all over my face, then kissed me with his mouth wide open.
I recalled the way he first looked at me with those eyes and how much it made me want to cum upon first glance. It has only intensified to a white hot lightning since then. I yearned to get closer to him, but I was still light years away from him.

Public Play, Getting Caught Under the Covers and Exploring the Journey of Sex, Love and Trauma

I kept looking over at him, wondering if he would let me feel his lips again… fantasizing about his erotic eyes locking with mine. I felt like I wanted him so badly, I just couldn’t be a good girl and sit still. I started touching myself, looking at his masculine-featured face and lean body to help get me off. He paused the movie and asked what my problem was. I smiled guiltily.
Then, he pushed me into the couch and started kissing me while I continued to finger myself. He put me into the spooning position, placed a blanket over us and started to engage physically with me. He grabbed hold of my hips as he thrusted that addictive cock into me. I could feel myself getting wetter and wetter the deeper he went. We were going hard in the heat of the moment when Susie opened up the door! Voodoo and I jumped, both flushed and covered in sweat.

Held Captive on Roan Mountain and Falling Out of Hammocks at Camp

He let go of his grip, stealthily walked behind me and unleashed a sharp scent of tobacco against the back of my neck. His presence caused my body to become hypersensitive as remnants of his cigarette ashes fell onto my skin. I had no idea where he was going or what his next move was—enticing me with wonder and fear. He let me relish in the bitter flavor of his lips—the nicotine leaving a lasting impression of nostalgia and desire. Toxic fumes luring me in… out of my control, drool poured from the bottom of my lip.

Breakfast Burrito Trail Magic, Unaka Mountain and Bright Green Hues Accented with Moss Colored Rope

After filling our bellies up with food, we climbed up Unaka Mountain. We fell in love with the moss covered trees and all the shades of bright green hues scattered about—thought to myself how it would go well with the rope he carried. My baby had the same idea.
We dropped our packs right beside the trail and I asked, “How do you want me?”
He got the rope and started to untangle it while he looked for the center.
Undressing me with his eyes, he said, “Take your shorts off.”

VHS Tapes, Apple Fritters, Time Warp from Living in the Woods

I felt so blessed to be held by my lover in such a comforting space of warmth and protection. Sometimes, I wished I could grasp onto those moments in time, but then I remembered that everything was passing and to hold onto people and experiences lightly. When I allowed myself be guided from love and a wide open heart, then I didn’t have to worry if our paths would have a change of direction. I could just breathe, for the love we shared would last for lifetimes beyond. All that was required of me was to trust, surrender and be fully present with whomever was in front of me right now.

Naked Hippies Experiencing Off Grid Permaculture Farm

During our shower the heat stopped working, so we called out to Free and he switched the propane tank out. Shortly after it got going again, the nozzle started making a high-pitched noise and exploded into pieces! We busted out laughing and called Free again. Voodoo and I stood shivering covered in soap suds, looking like a bunch of cold naked hippies.

Shibari Tease, Homemade Cookies and Mile 300!

“Raise your hands,” he commanded.
He took the bulky black rope and threw it over the tree, mimicking a bear hang. He had me stand on my tippy toes as he tied up my wrists—said he wanted me to be nearly hanging.
Once my wrists were tied tight, he lifted my shirt to expose my breasts. Then, he took the green rope and formed a triangular pattern on my sternum for a center hold. He looped the rope through, locking it from various angles, then wrapped it over and around my breasts. He brought it up over my shoulders, down and around my back, then wrapped it around my torso as he finished it off by spiraling the rope around my thighs.
I said, “Baby, my hands are going numb.”
“Mm, I bet,” he dismissed.

Aphrodisiacs, Freedom of Expression and Six Shot Espressos

His movements grew hostile as he brought the rope underneath my armpits and behind my back. He tied it tight around my torso while he secured my forearms and wrists together behind me. I told him my arms were going numb and in a disregarding tone he said, “Huh. Good to know.” He grabbed the loop between my wrists, jerking my body towards his and said, “I can throw you around whichever way I want and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Exploring New Kinks, Hot Springs Resort and a Rooster Named Wayco

He double checked as he made sure my entire body was fully locked and escape-proof. Then, he grabbed the knife on the bed stand. Gripping the handle, he placed the blade below my neck… adding pressure as I lifted my chin. My breath became present to me. Slowly, he grazed the knife’s tip down my cleavage… my ribs… my stomach… curving the sharp edge all the way down the sides of my ass. He said, “I’m just having too much fun with you.”

Discovering God, Undercooked Pancakes and Obeying My Master

When it came to sharing feelings about an apparent “problem”, I would prefer to keep things to myself, for I knew that anytime I experienced a judgement of a person or a situation, that I was fully responsible for making it that way. If I felt an energy of anger or blame, I would prefer to be in a state of silence and hand it over to the Holy Spirit instead. I knew that people couldn’t really give me the comfort I was looking for, so often times it felt like a waste of energy to try and lean on them.

Handstands on Max Patch and Accepting Candy From Strangers

A few of us hikers sat by the fireplace early in the morning as we enjoyed a warm cup of coffee. Voodoo found a new pair of Lone Peak shoes in the hiker box and threw his old ones up on a tree branch. We were all packed up and ready to go, but it often took some internal motivation to get going.

Exploring Asheville, Embodying the Hiker Trash Role, Learning How to Release Hatred and Gratitude for Tramily Support

I sat naked on the bed for him—his eyes scanning my body to see where he wanted to place the rope. He started by tying my breasts, moving the rope in loops and knots—the cord gripping my skin as he tightened it. I was so surprised because I, myself, was a professional rope artist and I couldn’t figure out how he was coming up with the knots. I was impressed by how symmetrical the design was, unfazed by any intricacy.

A Path of Sobriety, Looking Within For Guidance

He said, “I’m trying to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin. I came to hike alone and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting. In the past I was using drugs, alcohol, people, places, things, pussy to feel things so I didn’t have to look within. Now, it’s different. Now, I’ve been sober for almost two years and I’m faced to look within.”

Contradicting Behavior, Popping Hitchhiking Cherry and Playing Damsel in Distress

Checkmate, Beans and I started our hitch back towards Newfound Gap. It was their first time hitchhiking and I could feel their impatience with it. We only waited a couple of minutes before Beans made a comment about getting a shuttle. I laughed, “Give it a minute.” Hitchhiking taught the lesson of patience. It was also a reminder to trust that the perfect ride was on the way—it could take five minutes or five hours—that was the joy of the experience.

Interventions, Ruining My Reputation and Fake Cocaine

I, too, witnessed similar thoughts about people arise, but when I recognized they were about me and no one “out there”, I would let them run their course while removing any meaning I had about them. Every person I apparently perceived was coming out of my own mind, period. So, whatever perception I had of a person was what I was making of them.
Paradoxically, everyone had a story that I knew nothing about. I felt as if I had a gift of being able to see through people and read between the lines. The surface personality that someone showed didn’t feel like it meant much to me. I looked at it more as a layer of what they were trying to hide or conceal over anything else. Receiving that perception between Voodoo and Beans was healing for me as I took it as a reminder to take a step back before making a judgement (about myself).

Clogging the Toilet at the Motel 6 in Gatlinburg

I called to Pink, “The toilet is clogged! Please help!! Just don’t look at my poop!!!” He bursted in and yelled, “It’s okay, I’m a man! I got it!” He opened and closed the top tank, then said, “Hold on, I have to pee!” Hysterical, I yelled, “You can’t, the water is rising!” He peed in the shower instead and continued to get down to business.

Delirious Night in the Smokies, Huddling Up For Warmth

I thought of all the survival shows I used to watch, “We have to use each other’s body heat to warm up.” I told Checkmate to get into my sleeping bag. He goes, “Is there enough room?” I said yes! He was only able to get half of his legs in. With his knees pressing into my spine, we laid there for a couple of minutes and he goes, “What the fuck. This isn’t sustainable!!” I defended, “No! No! This is good! I can feel the heat!“ He goes, “Yeah, that’s because you’re sucking all the heat out of me. You’re like a fucking leech!” Silence came over us after the laughter subsided. Checkmate goes, “This is rock bottom.” Sasquatch adds, “It’s so cold, this is the kind of weather that makes me want to cuddle with a grown man. I'm secretly wishing Beans would show up right now to spoon me.”

Using a Handsome Hiker to Warm up in the Smokies

He released his breath into my mouth as I inhaled it—I was brought back to tantric memories as we built the tension with our breathing over the course of 45 minutes. I felt we had stopped the world from spinning in the space that was him and I. Through the pitch black darkness we danced our way through intuitive guided movements… our lips now less than a speck of dust apart.

St. Paddy’s Day Hiker Reunion in Bryce City

When Tarzan came back, I told him about my crush for Pinto. She had bought me a cookie from the bakery so I sat down beside them to eat it. In a seductive tone, he said to Pinto, “We should bring Freyja over to our place.” She blushed, “Oo things could get real naughty.” We both started giggling; I could tell we wanted to experiment, but we were both coming off a bit shy. Tarzan eased the tension, “I’ll show you the way.”

Fontana Hilton and Pretending to Be a Caterpillar

Wrapped in my sleeping bag on the top story of the shelter, Pink laughed and said I looked like a caterpillar. Beans showed up when I was nearly asleep and Pink asked me to wiggle my feet to mimic a caterpillar that was about to burst out of its cocoon.

Flirting with the Idea of Experiencing a New Lover

The vibe of the place felt as though we were coming home to a warm bed after a long day of hard work. We dropped our packs, the boys took a quick shower and then Kenny drove us to the food truck to get some burgers! We all put our orders in and sat at the picnic tables as we waited. With dirt still on my legs, one of the boys looked at me and asked, “You’re not going to shower?” I let out a sigh, looked him dead in the eye and with a seductive tone said, “Nope. I prefer being dirty.”

Submitting to a Hiker Boy

Only a few minutes before dark, I lead Checkmate under the bridge. I got on my knees and helped him unbuckle his pants. As soon as I took out his cock, I blushed and said, “I don’t think I could handle all of this right now.” I placed my wet tongue below the head of his cock and started sucking. I could feel the veins of his cock rise on the surface of my tongue, inviting me to play.

God Bless the Kindness of Trail Angels

Spidy drove us back to the top of the mountain and Castles and I hung out in our nest for the night. He kept the fire going as we talked about where we came from and about our belief systems. He studied purely Calvinism whereas I was over here talking about sex cults and orgies. So fun witnessing the plethora of people on trail and all the different types of backgrounds they came from.

Praying to See Things Differently

I felt as if the body sense felt so real in the moments I experienced those urges. I could sense the little girl inside me just wanted to be loved. I didn’t know where I got mixed up down the trajectory of life thinking love meant it had to do with my body or getting myself off through someone else’s body. I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me the strength to see it differently. I asked to be relieved from the suffering. Most wouldn’t view sexual urges as a form of suffering, however anything that was idolized or claimed to give relief in the world was a form of suffering.

Hitching Back to AT and Dancing at Taco Bell

I did a little overview in my mind of the past few months. I remembered how just under a month ago (and the entire winter) how depressed I felt. I wondered why I self-sabotaged myself by going back to a place that I loathed, just to spend time with family. And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved spending time with my family—it was very important to me—but not worth sacrificing my own happiness. I then noticed how I felt when I was on trail. Genuinely joyful and giddy—felt as if I was laughing 99% of the time. Sometimes, it took me a while to put two and two together and to accept the fact that I preferred to live a simple life.

Adultery, Harmonicas and Flying Squirrels

As I laid in my tent at night, I smiled at the faint silhouettes of objects that surrounded me. I caressed my tent with my hands and thanked it for keeping me warm and dry the past couple of years. I smiled and thought about how often my mom worried when I told her I would be going out hiking again. I always reassured her that there would be so many people with me, yet still, I found myself drawn to be away from the crowd to drop into stillness. Been that way since I was a child.

Mandala Third Eye Expansion

I took the protractor and outlined some faint lines for a mandala. I breathed into the moment and gave space for the inspiration to blossom. Some hikers sat behind me and asked all about my hiking adventures as I gave them a live art show. They took notice to my macramé rings and so I took them off my fingers and gave one to each person that was sitting there. I told them I had been wearing them since the PCT in 2019 and that I was ready to let go of them.

Building Confidence in the Path that was Given Me

I guess it will never be—at least not at this moment in time. I feared to my core that with another person I would draw back from the wild and often intense situations that led me to the richest experiences. The escapades on the road and on trail felt as though they brought me to the edge of my salvation. And it appeared that the path of solitude was the avenue I was given to receive the deepest insights that would over time blossom into self-reflective awakenings.

Insights About Compassion for Apparent Others

Be gentle with those you claim to hate for they are only coming out of your own mind. The burden you put on them is weighing on your own heart, not theirs. Let go of the need to control people and have them behave a certain way, because you don’t really want them to be different as they are. You actually need them to be exactly as they are in order to see that you’re making them that way, all for the purpose of healing. If you see them as anything less than holy innocent, you’re having a misperception. And, you can celebrate, because you’re making it all up!

Tramily Adventure Up Blood Mountain

Before we went to bed, Wheelbarrow gave me a massage gun used for releasing muscle tension. I put it on the lowest setting, placed it on the side of my butt and said, "Woah! This thing is 5x more powerful than my vibrator!” He laughed out loud, “Dual purpose.”

Tornado Prevents Hikers From Getting Briskets

It was announced that a tornado touched down in Amicalola and was headed our way. As of then, we were only experiencing a “pre-storm.”Castles stands up and yells, “Well shit! I’m gonna go put my socks on!” None of us knew what that had to do with anything but we fully supported him.

Learning to Embrace the Rain

The shelter was fully packed by noon. We filled out the hiker log and ate lunch/dinner. Pink asked if he could have one of my macramé rings so I let him pick his favorite. He put it on his ring finger and I quickly noticed mine was on my ring finger, too. I joked, “Guess we’re trail husband and wife!”

Departing for Georgia to Hike the Appalachian Trail

At the airport, I took a seat by my gate and a wave of uplifting energy came over me—as if there was life in my veins after spending four long grueling months of feeling quite “bleh” in the southwest suburbs of Chicago. Yet, spring was on the horizon and I was finally coming out of my shell. The hiking bug got me yet again and I smiled to myself, for I knew what followed my desire to walk was my passion for writing.

October 18 2022, Rabbit Lake

Today was a very simple trek to Rabbit Lake. It was perfect for my last day in Alaska. The view appeared as though God made a black and white pencil drawing of the mountains and lake. No detail went unnoticed. Perfect placement of shading, vibrancy and depth.

October 17 2022, Rainbow Peak

Today was an overcast day, yet we still felt inspired to make a climb up Rainbow Peak. Probably not the best decision, but we still had a great time! Everything was going pretty well until we noticed the path disappeared. I was told there was an earthquake that took it out a few years ago. There were boulders and fallen rocks that had obstructed where the path used to be. It looked as though people made a path straight up to the top. We were about a quarter mile away from the summit, but decided to call it since it looked really sketchy. It was a good call because as we were making it...

October 13 2022, Peak 3

Peak 3 was a lot harder than we both expected, at least at the time of year we decided to hike it. We made our own path uphill, making our way through the valley. I found a pair of micro-spikes directly on the “path”, at the time where it was just about to get challenging. This was what I meant by I felt protected by Spirit. Things like that would just appear out of thin air. I would’ve been completely screwed without the micro-spikes. As we were making our climb, the wind was fierce and I felt an adrenaline rush surging through my body. Everything went still. All I could hear was my...

October 9-11 2022, Arctic Valley

Went to Point Woronzoff with a family friend. Then, I went to Arctic Valley and had so much fun playing in the snow! I felt like I healed through the trauma I experienced on the PCT in the Sierra and I was able to be light about the perception of snow again. I didn’t want today to end, not after I saw the freshly-covered-in-snow mountain peaks surrounding me.

October 6 2022, Little O’Malley and Ballpark

Lisa took me hiking up O’Malley. She was a trooper! It was so cold and so windy that I felt the wind would just lift me away. I asked her if we could turn around after we got a view of the summit because I was chilled to the bone, despite hiking uphill.

October 3 2022, Bird Ridge Trail

Fall had approached in Alaska. The leaves glowed golden and the air was crisp. Even the way the sun shone upon the water had an autumn sense to it. The climb was difficult, as most of the trails seemed to be in Alaska. We walked through the clouds. The mountains always had a way of making us feel tiny. On our way down, our footsteps crunched the fallen leaves.

October 1 2022, McHugh Peak

Lisa took me up McHugh Peak via the Bear Valley Trail. I let her lead the way. We came upon frost quite quickly. Near the top, we met a couple who asked us to help them find the summit. It was foggy which made it challenging to see the trail, let alone find it. We walked with them to the top and saw just the most breathtaking view. It was as though the Universe made a picture frame out of the clouds with the view of the mountain ranges, just for us.

September 29-30, 2022 Lake Padden

Hiked around Lake Padden with Indigo before we parted ways. Watched some cute firefighters doing some work beside the trail. Hitched toward Seattle to stay with my Dad's friend. He hosted me during the PCT as well, so it felt fun to connect again after finishing a different trail. We got some burgers and Crumbl cookies for dessert. Afterwards, I went out with his son and his friends for a couple of hours. Next day, I went to check out some Japanese gardens. I felt super inspired to buy my mom a bonsai tree and then I looked at the prices and changed my mind.

September 27, 2022 Ptarmigan Ridge Trail

Indigo took me hiking up in Washington on the Ptarmigan Ridge Trail. From the very beginning, I felt spoiled by the views. I felt as though I got to meet Washington for the first time, since before, I mainly received rainy/cloudy days. The colors around us were bright and magnetic; autumn was in expression. Indigo picked berries along the way. We walked among some snow and up some rocks to get a view of the glacier. In the near distance, we observed heavy clouds of smoke from a wildfire.

September 25-26, 2022

Today, I allowed myself to sleep to full capacity. I woke up refreshed, my tent surprisingly dry. I opened my tent to the sight of the Oregon trees encompassing me. I felt a great sense of comfort and peace. I had plans to meet up with someone in Portland, however my guidance was asking me spend more time on the coast. I felt very introverted this morning and just wanted to listen to the waves crashing into the sand. I sat down in the sand and leaned my back against a washed up log. I watched as the rolling clouds shifted into clear skies. The tide started making its way in. An older...

September 24, 2022

Today, I felt sort of down. No reason in particular, just one of those days. As I was hitching towards Lincoln City, a young woman on some sort of drugs approached me and asked if I wanted to fight her. When I said no, she called me a “fucking bitch.” Then, two young girls in their thirties stopped to pick me up. Something felt energetically off, yet I found myself getting in the car anyway. It eventually became clear they were both on meth. I asked if they could bring me to a state park that was close to Newport and so they did. I released some tears as I walked off path toward the...

September 23, 2022

I made it to the coast super early after night hiking. I stopped to look at the stars and thought to myself how this was going to be my last night on trail… my last night looking at the stars... for the meantime. I felt a sort of melancholy interspersed with contentment for another adventurous time on trail. Seems to get better every year. It felt so good to touch the coast again—reminisced about my time with Quadzilla. Felt grateful for having such a lovely friend in my life. Hung out at the library. A woman at the store gave me a bunch of free stuff to give to my friend, Gina. She gave...

September 22, 2022

Oliver woke up early with me and made us some hazelnut coffee. The air was crisp and the wildlife around us was still sound asleep. I ate a lemon poppyseed cookie to start my day. As Oliver was driving me back to the trail, he told me I was nuttier than a fruit cake. I started walking and I thought to myself how Oregon had a specific energy and scent. Each state had one. I felt that if someone were to blindfold me and drop me off in the middle of a certain forest I had hiked through, I would be able to tell where I was at. Did a big mileage day today and felt so tired by mid-afternoon. I...

September 21, 2022

Today, I didn’t know whether I wanted to stay in Reedsport for another night or hitch to Corvallis to start the C2C trail. Mo’o brought me a box of doughnuts home and within a few minutes, a girl named Indigo reached out to me. She was also an avid listener of Wisdom Dialogues (Hope Johnson) and invited me to her home, north of Seattle! In an instant, it was clear it was time to hitch out. I got a ride halfway to Corvallis and then road walked around some farmlands until a local farmer picked me up and drove me straight to the trail. So many people stopped to ask if I was hiking to the...

September 20, 2022

Got breakfast with Goose at T’s Cafe North. The french toast was so phenomenal that we went in the back to give compliments to the chef! He was super shy and felt uncomfortable from the attention. I loved how loved I felt around Goose. It was so easy for us to help uplift each other, to be free and support each other’s journeys in life—regardless of what we found ourselves doing. While at the restaurant, I saw how confident he was when he told the waitress that we both lived out of our backpacks. I felt a deep sense of freedom come over me. He taught me how to be confident, how to express...

September 19, 2022

I got picked up by a man named Antonio. He asked if he could come with me to the coast because he wanted to live like me. I said I appreciated it, but no. Then, he proceeded to ask if I wanted him to get us a hotel room to have some fun and that he would give me a lot of money. I told him I strictly wanted to hitchhike in order to hike some trails. He dropped me off at his exit, gave me $20 and apologized for assuming I was a prostitute. I told him it was okay and that there were no hard feelings. I actually loved being in the car with people that assumed I was a prostitute because it...

September 18, 2022

Hung out at the Tahoe Valley Campground. The camp hosts gave thru-hikers an entire space to recharge their electronics along with a kitchen setup and a giant hiker box! They were also happy to offer free showers and coffee for the hikers! Blessed for such people and spaces. Went to Earnie’s Coffee Shop in Tahoe and a couple walked up to me and told me they were trail angels. They asked if I needed anything at all. God bless people. Spirit could not make it any more obvious that this was how I desired to live. At this point, it became funny to me how I even questioned it. I felt like...

September 17, 2022

(X-rated) I partook in conversation with a couple of older gentlemen as we ate our continental breakfast. They used to be cross-country hitchhikers, themselves. Their eyes lit up with joy as they shared stories and memories of their time on the road. After I ate, I got a ride to Winnemucca and was dropped off at a gas station. As I went to throw out some trash, a man in a cowboy hat took notice to me and asked where I was going. I said, “California!” He asked if I ever rode in a horse trailer before. I said no, but that it would be fun to give it a shot! He was headed straight to Cali. We...

September 16, 2022

First thing in the morning, I hitched a ride and got picked up by a lovely black guy named Joshua. He offered me a plate of bacon the moment I got in the car. He said he picked me up because I looked like an innocent girl who was stranded on the highway. He dropped me off on an on-ramp in Wendover and I continued my hitch towards Reno. I felt really off after the conversation I had with my father a couple of days ago and sensed there were some feelings I needed to work through. As I stood on the highway, I took notice to a bundle of sunflowers beside me. They were swaying softly in the...

September 15, 2022

Today, I started hitching towards the Wild West. I got picked up by an older gentlemen named Riley. He knew the area well and gave me a tour during our time together. He was a history buff, passionate about America and keeping the Constitution alive. He would randomly yell questions such as, “What happened on February 18th of 1854?!” And I would freeze up because I felt as though I was getting a pop quiz at school. He would get genuinely upset any time I didn’t know the answer, making me feel stupid by saying something such as, "How do you NOT know what happened on the Tuesday of November...

September 14, 2022 (Part 2)

Some people have been apparently sending screenshots of my blog posts to my family. That sort of thing had been occurring for years now, so I couldn’t say I was too surprised. I spoke to my Dad over a phone call and I was very honest with how I felt. I expressed how he could either choose to accept me or be angry at me for not turning out the way he thought he wanted me to be. In his perception, he viewed me as being a homeless prostitute. I took offense because I didn’t feel attracted to having sex with men for money. I simply had a high sex drive and was picky about the people I chose...

September 14, 2022

At the lodge, I met a British guy named Cameron. He was tall, lean and had a thick accent. He sported strands of grey throughout his hair and facial beard. He was a cyclist, biking as much of the Continental Divide as he could until his visa expired. He would come back next year to finish the rest. We both really wanted to spend another night to be out of the rain, however the lodge got fully booked out by a family. He asked if I wanted to split a room with him at a hotel and I said yes! He continues, “You probably want your own space since there might only be one bed.” I told him I did...

September 12, 2022

Made it to Yellowstone and hitched a ride from there towards Pinedale. A man named Julio from Ecuador picked me up. Later, I got picked up by a married couple who let me crash in their car as they did a road trip around the Tetons. God bless people who let me sleep in their car. They gave me $20 for food and dropped me off in Jackson. They hugged me goodbye and let me know if I didn’t make it out of town I could crash with them in their hotel. As I started walking down the sidewalk, a guy in front of me sneezed so I said, “Bless you!” When he turned around to thank me, he was taken aback...

September 11, 2022

(X-rated) September 11, 2022: In a couple of hours, I was on my way out of East Glacier with the Lithuanians I met a few days prior. They offered me a ride to Yellowstone which would get me much closer to Pinedale, WY. As I waited for them to get off their shift, I got together with some thru-hiker guys. We went to grab a bite to eat at Whistle Stop. I got to spend time with Squints, whom I hadn’t seen since New Mexico!! Since the moment I met him I felt super attracted to him, but it didn’t feel in alignment to make a move. So, instead, I insinuated my fantasies for him through my eyes...

September 10, 2022

Similar to the PCT, it was a choice of walking a few miles into Canada or walking approximately 30 miles back. I chose to walk back. I started hiking at 3am, took the Stoney Indian Pass trail junction and hiked towards Chief Mountain. At 4:30am, I ended up running into another thru-hiker on top of Stoney Indian Pass and we joked about how early we both started. We celebrated getting 6 miles in before sunrise! The climb was definitely an ass kicker, but I was stoked I wasn’t doing it in the heat of the day. I got to experience an epic sunrise on my way down with an overlooking view of the...

September 9, 2022

(CANADA!!!!) MM 2968.3: I could not get out of my tent for the life of me today. Everything was wet from the overnight rain and sleet. My tent had flooded and I woke up in a puddle. My sleeping pad and sleeping bag were completely drenched. I was still at the base of the mountain and had to motivate myself to get out into the cold wind and climb up a pass whilst there were snow clouds forming above me. There was nothing I could do but suck it up. It was after 8am when I started walking. I thought about Marc-André Leclerc today, as I did most of the summer. After watching the trials he...

September 8, 2022

MM 2956.2: Today, I took a long break as I sat on a ledge that overlooked Saint Mary Lake. I observed the moss on the trees and the ripples of the water… mesmerized by the silence and symbiosis. The clouds grew dark and uninviting. I made it down to the trailhead and got a ride to Many Glacier by a man named Gary. It poured rain the majority of the car ride. He offered me his take out pizza and a plethora of snacks. I got dropped off and put on my rain gear. I wanted so desperately to snuggle in a cozy room beside a fireplace, but instead I went to summit a pass in the cold. As I started...

September 7, 2022

MM 2911.7: Started hiking from Two Medicine. We had to take a reroute since some cows had escaped and died during the winter. As they started to thaw, about 20-30 grizzly bears started to feast on them and they became really defensive over their meat. It was another incredibly windy day, but very appreciated as it was blazing hot. The views had me stopping every half a mile to fully appreciate what was given to my perception. There were crimson red rock formations, waterfalls that appeared to be cascading from the Heavens, bundles of swaying pine trees and new land emerging out of the...

September 6, 2022

(X-rated) Most of us hikers cowboy camped overnight and woke up around 5:30am. As a group, we walked to the lodge to indulge in the $15 breakfast buffet. It was in that moment I understood how much hikers were driven by food. Once at the buffet, I commented how we all looked homeless in comparison to the people there. One of the group members sent a smile my way and said, "We are home free, not home less.” I had a feeling that was going to stick with me. After our feast, we got a ride to Two Medicine so we could get our permits for Glacier situated. We had approximately 100 miles left to...

September 5, 2022

(X-rated) MM 2859.7: Took the Kitchen Alternate to the highway. From there I hitched to Looking Glass Hostel in East Glacier. I felt as though I was in hiker heaven from the moment I arrived. The owners of the place completely trusted us hikers to pay at our own time. The options were to send them money via online payment or pay cash whenever we felt like it. They had trust for us because it was, we hikers, who kept the place running. I had been telling people the entire thru-hike how cool it would have been to run into a Lithuanian person because I missed connecting with my culture....

September 4, 2022

MM 2837.5: Surprised myself with a 6am start this morning, which was really late for me. It was difficult to get out of my cozy tent, yet once I got moving, I ended up walking more miles than yesterday. Walked up on Quadzilla around noon. I was so excited to see him since the last time we connected in person was last year on the coast. We sat on top of a hill beside the trail and caught up. He offered me a micro dose of acid. Then, he pulled out a family size pack of Oreos; I asked him to lick the frosting off for me. I rested my leg upon his, grazing my fingernails on his inner thigh…...

September 3, 2022

Spotted Bear Alternate: Early in the morning, I got a spectacular view of the Chinese Wall. The light casted a deep orange glow on the crown of the wall, giving it an audacious appearance. It was a hazey day—due to some nearby wildfires—causing the mountain ranges beside the wall to look even more endless and heavenly. Hiked over 30 miles today; felt super in the zone. I set up camp at Dean Lake and noticed myself feeling nervous. I went from camping with a big group of people to being completely alone the following night. I normally didn’t mind, yet the area I hiked through and camped at...

September 2, 2022

MM 2760.8: Yesterday, when I made it to Dan’s, I asked if he would be open to trade a macramé piece in place for me spending the night. I had the money, but ever since Hawaii, I felt inspired to get back into bartering. It felt more fun to me than giving or receiving money. I noticed he was a bit skeptical at first, as some people were when it came to bartering. But, by the next day he was asking to trade my salami for a ride back to the trailhead. I hung out with Info as he was getting his resupply situated. He said to me, “If you don’t eat an entire pack of gummy bears a day then what’s...

September 1, 2022

MM 2743.8: The moment I made it to the trailhead and got ready to put my thumb out to hitch a ride, the famous trail angel named Dan pulled up and asked if I wanted a ride into town. He dropped off several NOBO hikers and had me get in. He says, “I’ll give you a tour of Augusta. It’s about a four block long tour.” He had a great sense of humor and we hit it off right off the bat. When we arrived to Augusta, he took me to the post office to pick up my package that my trail angel sent me. He asked if I was hungry and I said yes, so he dropped me off at a bar in the center of town. As soon...

August 31, 2022

MM 2721.3: Today was rough. I wasn’t in the mood to hike, mostly because of the terrain. The section consisted of super vertical ascents and descents. I was also fully exposed to the sun since it was a burn area. I really thought it was going to be the first time I cried on trail due to frustration, but instead, I cursed out loud and pulled a temper tantrum. I hit my trekking poles on the dirt and yelled, “What the FUCK is this trail?!” I muttered to myself, “This is stupid” and trudged on. I looked up at the hills to get some peace of mind and tripped the second I took my eyes off trail....

August 30, 2022

MM 2694.6: Got picked up by a guy who was in the middle of a business call. He started hitting on me about 10 seconds after I got in the car, whilst still on the phone with a customer. He kept biting his lip and eye fucking me. He said he needed to drive a couple of minutes out of the way to his workplace to take care of some stuff. It seemed I still played the pattern of feeling as though I couldn’t just ask to be let out. When he parked into his lot, he causally whipped out a wad of cash and started counting hundred dollar bills in front of me. I rolled my eyes and thought to myself,...

August 29, 2022

MM 2617.3: I saw a bear!!! Well, actually, I saw two in the matter of one minute! The first one was a grizzly cub’s butt running away. I tried to get a better look at it by following it into the woods but had no luck. Afterwards, I saw a big black bear standing about ten feet in front of me. It promptly ran away, too. I was beginning to turn into a conspiracy theorist, similar to the “birds aren’t real” movement. Everyone around me was seeing bears except for me, so I started claiming that bears didn’t exist. And then, BAM! I always wondered how I would react upon seeing one and I was...

August 28, 2022

MM 2611.4: Saw Mr. Fab early in the morning, haven’t seen him since trail days in Silver City! Later on, I met a guy named Kansas Express who was in the middle of his Calendar Year Triple Crown! He said my bag was too big for a thru-hiker. I noticed a lot of people on trail concerned themselves with the size of my bag. Shortly after meeting him, I saw a sign in the middle of the dirt road that read, “Trail magic in the white van,” with an arrow pointed to the right. I could not whip the smile off my face. I thought it was funny how as kids we were taught not to speak to strangers, and...

August 26-27, 2022

MM 2583.6: Accidentally hitched to Anaconda. This wasn’t the first time I hitched the wrong way. I noticed 20 minutes into the ride and was like fuck it, guess I’m going to Anaconda and heading north from there. The funniest part was that I was sitting on the wrong side of the road with minimal traffic while the other side was cruising with cars. Regardless, I got picked up by a lovely lady named Tracy. She told me she often got mistaken as a lesbian due to her stubby build paired with her short hair and baggy clothes. We talked a lot about Jesus and of the ways He changed our lives. Once...

August 25, 2022 (Part 2)

Today, my close friend Aaron passed away. I met him last year when he picked me up hitchhiking after my completion of the Colorado Trail. He drove me all the way to Flagstaff and even took me on a detour through Sedona since I told him I had never been. I was left in tears from the beauty of the crimson rocks and scattered scent of pine needles. We kept in touch ever since that day. We wrote each other letters, had many phone calls and met up again before my CDT hike. He drove me all the way to the Mexico border and we listened to Wisdom Dialogues most of the way. It’s amazing how certain...

August 25, 2022

We woke up early and went off-roading down some windy dirt roads. We parked on a hilltop and hiked into the valley where he showed me his secret hunting spot. I watched as he set up his camera and camouflaged it with sticks and leaves. He planned to leave it there for a couple of days in hopes of snapping some wildlife. Afterwards, he drove me back towards the main highway. He asked if I told anyone that I went off into the middle of the wilderness with a strange man, knowing that I’d be without any service for a couple of days. I laughed and said no. He couldn’t believe how much I lived...

August 24, 2022

(X-rated) Mack’s Inn Alternate: Today, I experienced a deep sense of melancholy. A shift in the air, the leaves and grasses were beginning to build frost upon them. Autumn was approaching. I felt a sense of sadness for the trail coming to an apparent end for the year. My “plan” was to hopscotch to the border and head south as I pieced things together. From there, I was going to hitch back to Pinedale to revisit a hostel I was fond of. Then, I planned to hitch to the west to give hugs to my close friends whom I hadn’t seen in about a year. I wanted to hike one more trail in Oregon, hitch...

August 23, 2022

MM 1998: Last night, I lazily hung my food bag on the highest branch of a tree I could reach and woke up to it smack dab on the ground. Proof that there would be no way I would hear a bear in my camp. I spent the morning walking under the starlight. My feet were soaked wet with muddy swamp water for several hours, but I didn’t mind because I got to see geysers for the first time in my life! I had never even seen a photo before! I felt an insatiable desire for french toast today and made it my mission to get it. I hiked 16.6 miles into Old Faithful Village and made it 20 minutes before...

August 22, 2022

MM 1971.5: Decided for the rest of the CDT to do my favorite sections and finish the rest as it came. Regardless of being a natural introvert, I noticed how much of an impact people made on my journey. I didn’t mind hitching a few hours north or south just to walk back the same way I drove if it meant I could meet more people along the way. It was quite symbolic of how my mind worked and the way my inspiration flowed. I was not wired to follow the rules or go in a straight line. I guess on trail you could call me a “hopscotch connect the dots” kinda chick. I have also found the trail...

August 21, 2022

I had to shave my leg and armpit hair for my brother’s wedding and it was funny to find myself feeling embarrassed on trail when people saw me with shaven legs. I have been wearing knee high socks ever since. I definitely associated a lot of pride, comfort, confidence being hairy and when I took it away I felt naked, ugly and insecure. It seemed as if I didn’t feel like myself, but I knew deep down that wasn’t true. It had nothing to do with how I appeared. Took the Seneca Lake Trail 10 miles to Elkhart Park Trailhead. I started hiking at 4am to get a view of the stars reflecting upon the...

August 20, 2022

MM 1803: The Winds reminded me of the Sierra Nevada, almost identical. The only difference was the Winds had more bursts of green and less dust. Today, I felt called to experience a thunderstorm. I was walking up a pass and the clouds that were building revealed that it was a terrible idea. The moment the lighting struck, thunder followed within less than a second of hesitation. I jumped several times from the vibrations. Heavy rain started to follow and shortly after that, hail. I saw a guy coming down from the pass and we both shouted, “Ayyy!” He said, “I’m glad I wasn’t the only...

August 19, 2022

MM 1782: Last night, I made it into Lander and parted ways with Ricardo. In the morning, I woke up before sunrise and hitched toward Big Sandy Lodge. I got a ride to Lander Cutoff Rd. I didn’t expect to see a single car since the dirt road appeared to be in the middle of nowhere, yet a couple of guys pulled over before I even had time to set my bag down. They were two construction workers on their way to work in Pinedale, taking the scenic route. They dropped me off at a junction and shortly after two women on their way to the trailhead gave me a lift the rest of the way. When asked if I...

August 18, 2022

I came to the point where I felt uncomfortable staying in a fancy hotel for an entire week, so I woke up at 5am and decided to hitch a ride from Moab back to the CDT. I immediately got picked up by a cutie named Kyle. During the ride, I found out he was a forest ranger officer. He was super attractive. Tatted up, muscular, full beard. I begged him to show me his badge. Along with it, he lifted up his shirt to reveal the gun tucked into his pants. The way his six pack looked with a gun pressed upon it made the heat rise up my body. I instantly blushed and he said I was really smiley. Yup,...

August 10-17, 2022

I had a flight back to Chicago because my older brother was getting married. It was a red eye flight and I happened to be next to an elderly couple who needed help throughout the flight. The gentleman seemed to have a broken arm. He woke me up in the middle of the night, telling me he needed to go to the bathroom. I woke up fuzzy from sleep and stood up to give him some room. I gave him my hand to hold onto since he really struggled get up. Later, he dropped his phone on the floor and him and his wife were desperately trying to lean down and find it but had no luck. I woke up to turn on...

August 10, 2022 Wolverine Peak

(X-rated) Today, I decided to summit Wolverine Peak. Got offered raspberries on the way up! I thought a lot about Marc André Leclerc when I looked at the views of Denali. His energy has been in my field quite often this summer, inspiring me to stay strong in trying circumstances. Along the ridge line, I met a cutie coming down the pass named Dylan. He seemed very proper and mature, yet I sensed something sinister in him. We got to talking and he mentioned how it was his life long dream to thru hike the PCT. Inspired, he wanted to know everything about my journey, so he asked me out for...

August 9, 2022 Flattop Mountain

Met up with my friend, Chris. He picked me up on the Oregon Coast Trail last year when I was walking the highway in the rain. I wasn’t hitchhiking, he just happened to stop on the side of the road to get an idea of when his friends would be passing through on their bikes. We got to talking and he said he could give me a lift out of the cold rain. He strapped my bag to his bike and drove us to Safeway where I bought us some lemon poppyseed muffins. This year, we happened to be in Alaska at the same time so he picked me up and took us hiking up Flattop! I couldn’t comprehend how people...

August 6, 2022 Lost Lake

(X-rated) Took the Lost Lake Summer Trail which later connected up to the Primrose Trail. I teared up many times in awe of Alaska’s beauty, often feeling that what I was viewing couldn’t be real. When I came back to the Inn, I took an aphrodisiac chocolate that someone gifted me. I was curious to see if it would work. I had to sit outside for at least two hours doing breathing exercises as I tried to relax my body. I felt like I was building up to an orgasm without even touching myself. I wrote BD a letter and officially ended what we apparently had. I have gotten used to parting ways...

August 5, 2022 Mount Marathon

After the rain had passed, my little brother (Matas) and I decided to hike up Mount Marathon. About half a mile in, we met a cutie named Cody. He was wearing jeans, carried only a water bottle and felt undecided about continuing on due to the cloud coverage. But, as soon as Matas and I decided to push forward, he followed. It felt so good to be able breathe up the climb, compared to the lack of oxygen in Colorado. Matas was testing my patience on the trek. Every 500’, he was playing the, “Are we there yet” game. I kept thinking to myself, This is confirmation not to have kids. We waited...

August 4, 2022 Exit Glacier Overlook

Today, I spent time with my little brother and we went on a mini expedition. We hiked Exit Glacier and he used my trekking poles so he could get a taste of what it felt like to be a thru-hiker. He ended up falling numerous times. Afterwards, we stopped on the side of the HWY to take in the scenic view of the clouds merging between the emerald green pine trees. Something about that image could get me to stop any racing thoughts I was having and bring me into the present moment. The nighttime stars had the same humbling effect on...

August 3, 2022 North Ridge

Today, I drove out to Alyeska and hiked the North Ridge Trail. It switchbacked underneath the tram, went up the Stairway to Heaven and ended at the restaurant. I found a spot at the top that overlooked the town and settled myself into the dirt. With the sound of the wind as my muse, I went into a state of meditation. I realized how much I have emotionally grown in the last 6 months. I felt proud that I learned to speak up for my boundaries, even if it appeared crazy to those around me. I remembered that I was only talking to myself, therefore there was no one to impress, satisfy or even...

August 2, 2022 (Part 2) Potter Marsh Boardwalk

We visited the Snow Plow Train and walked along the railroad. Afterwards, we went to Potter Marsh and sauntered down the boardwalk. It was perfect for wildlife viewing. We watched the fish swim upstream, the ducks fluttering their wings and a swan in the distance. We even saw dragonflies making love on the handrails!

August 2, 2022 Crow Pass

My Dad generously bought me a plane ticket to Alaska as a belated birthday present. He knew I had never been and that I would inevitably fall in love with the mountains. He was right. When I arrived, I got hosted by a couple of his friends. They drove me through the city of Anchorage and I fell in awe of the mountain ranges that circled the city. The overcast clouds teased a sense of adventure behind their density. We stopped to get crepes at the Alaska Crepery and afterwards, we visited my Dad’s office. I sat in a cubicle I once worked in for years and realized how proud I was for...

July 29, 2022

Hitched back down to Grand Lake, CO. Felt inspired to walk around town and check out the local stores. A guy picked a conversation with me when he saw me walking by, said he could tell I was a thru-hiker when he got a look at my calves. He invited me to his home to take a shower and spend the night. It was another rainy day so I was stoked for the offer! We met up in the plaza and I met some of his friends who were visiting. His friends drove us back to Granby and he showed me his spare room. He went to a concert, while I knocked out around 5pm. I woke up the next day in the early...

July 27-28, 2022

MM 1519.7: In the early afternoon, I got back on at Rabbit Ears Trailhead. I trekked in silence along the open ridges and plains. At one point, I took a detour to a campground and got offered trail magic by a lady named Barbara. She was making flies for fishing and invited me to sit with her at the picnic table. She offered me meat, cheese, crackers, fresh fruit and had me load up on water for the upcoming dry stretch. I continued on and saw a cute guy camped on the side of the road where I planned to spend the night. We got to talking and he offered to make me a fire, however I knew I...

July 26, 2022

MM 1387.7: A few days ago, I got back on at the Herman Gulch Trailhead. It was interesting to witness when I was in a state of love, how the entire world around me appeared to come alive. Everything became more bright, vivid and vibrant. People appeared to be smiling more, joy radiated from my inner surroundings and new beginnings were welcomed. A part of my mind experienced a sense of sadness around the perception of parting with my tramily. Our journey for the summer had ended and I was apparently missing them. The CDT welcomed me back with rain and cold weather, causing a feeling of...

July 23-24, 2022

I got back on the CDT and within a couple of days, BD had a change of mind about us. Over a phone call he explained, “Everything reminds me of you. All the signs are pointing toward you. Whether I see a pile of pinecones or the bright green moss on a tree. I even saw an “anti-surface shitter” sticker in town. I like you so much that I seem to disregard your poor LNT standards.” He said it only took him one day to realize how he didn’t have it all figured out with me. My heart sunk as his words penetrated me, “I can’t let you go. I just have to have you. Goda, I’m madly in love with you. I...

July 21-22, 2022

Tenaya Lake to Happy Isles: We officially completed the John Muir Trail!!! It was funny to see how we all had the intention of taking our time so we could explore Yosemite, but instead we ran down the mountain and got to the finish line before noon. Knowing the end was within arms reach made it nearly impossible to walk with patience. Funky Chicken and I did headstands at the trailhead as we waited for the rest of our tramily to finish. Then, we got celebratory pizza, ice cream sandwiches and beer. We took a bus ride back to Mammoth Lakes. We were the obnoxious group in the back of the...

July 20, 2022

Meadow in Yosemite Wilderness to Tenaya Lake: Woke up early and walked alongside the meadow. We lounged around in Tuolumne Meadows for a couple of hours as we ate ice cream and chips. BD and I shared headphones as we switched between our favorite hiking songs. He showed me “Weight of Love” by The Black Keys while I showed him “Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang. We summited Cathedral Pass which was challenging since we had a food coma and were climbing in the heat of the day. We called it Fucker Hill #2. Bubbly had BD and I take a photo together at the top. He placed his hand on my lower back...

July 19, 2022

Gladys Lake to Meadow in Yosemite Wilderness: We left before 5am to go over Island and Donahue Pass. We lounged around at the top of Donahue and watched the raindrops fall upon the snow melted lake. BD made a snow cone with his Gatorade electrolytes. We took a celebratory photo, this time of our bare butts. Despite getting the perception of a fairytale trail romance with BD, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt off emotionally open my part. I developed feelings for someone who I knew wasn’t the one and I started to experience a sense of overwhelm. I have always been a hopeless...

July 18, 2022

Mammoth to Gladys Lake (x-rated): Before we left the motel, I attempted to glue my HOKA’s back together, even though they were way past their use. I felt I could push them another 100 miles or so. I enjoyed following BD’s footprints. There was something so magical about prints being left on the rocky sand, as if stamped into the earth for a temporary amount of time… only to be wiped away by another’s or swept away by the elements. I felt inspired to keep the shoes I trekked with for they told a story of what once was. These shoes would tell a story of when I once fell in love on the JMT....

July 17, 2022

Bridge Creek to Mammoth Lakes: BD, Bubbly and I played pinecone baseball as we waited for Jif to make it down from the mountain. Polka dancing with BD followed. I expressed deep joy and laughter as we twirled around in the dirt. We made it down to the trailhead and hitched in separate groups to make it into Mammoth. First thing we did was get a pint of ice cream at Vons. There were several other thru-hikers there, so we hung out as we shared snacks and stories. Bubbles and Jif ordered a pizza and ate it on the curb. We waited for the free trolley to pick us up and drop us off at Motel 6....

July 16, 2022

VVR to Bridge Creek: Got all packed up to get a ferry ride out of VVR and back on trail. I forgot something at the cabin and walked upon Bubbly furiously peeing beside the stairs. With a toothbrush hanging from her mouth, she shouts, “Hey, friend!” Hiker trash at its finest. As we waited for our shuttle ride, I became mesmerized by watching the way BD played the guitar. My eyes followed the movement of his fingers as they danced between the strings... my heart followed. To me, he was like the Charlie Chaplin of the music industry. He did everything on his own. He wrote his own music,...

July 15, 2022

(x-rated): The morning started with me asking Mo when he got his shit together in life. He pondered and said he would let me know when he did. We ordered breakfast and my tramily would scream out all of our trail names when our food came out. Most obnoxious was Mo as he cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled, “BD!!!!”, followed by everyone in the crowd yelling, “BD!!!!” To top it off, he would add, “HE GOT THAT B-D!!!!” It brought me to tears from laughing so hard because only we knew what it meant. After breakfast, BD joined me in the hammock. He used my thigh as a table to write in...

July 14, 2022

Bear Ridge Trail to Vermillion Valley Resort: We took the Bear Ridge Trail down to the road and got picked up by a shuttle driver volunteer who drove us to Vermillion Valley Resort (VVR). A gem in the middle of the woods; the place was the definition of a hiker’s haven. It sported a sign on the cabin door that read HIKERS! Please Loiter. They had hiker boxes that were the size of large treasure chests. They offered a space called Mushroom City for those who wanted to set up their tents for free. The employees would ring a bell to signal that it was time to eat and everyone would gather...

July 13, 2022

Muir Trail Ranch to Bear Ridge Trail: Woke up to several kisses by BD; he whispered, “Happy Birthday” in my ear as I stretched out with a smile. I put on my bright green knee high socks to start off the day and we celebrated by summiting Seldon Pass. It felt like a slow ascent, but I got to see my tramily at the top as they lifted me up in their arms for a celebratory photo! What more could I ask for during my birthday than to be with the ones I love, doing something I love. A southbound hiker came over the pass and said our entire group had really loving and exciting energy. We seem to...

July 12, 2022

Evolution Lake to Muir Trail Ranch: Went back to the rock where Peter and I made love and saw blood splatters scattered throughout; smiled at the thought of last night’s play time. Started making my way down to Muir Trail Ranch (MTR) and got offered fresh banana bread from a couple of day hikers. Section hikers always seem to have the best goodies. About an hour later, Mo ran into me while I was having a break by the river. He was inordinately excited to tell me that he came up with a trail name for Peter. With a grin on his face he says, “Bloody Dick.” I started laughing so hard while...

July 11, 2022

Middle Fork Kings River to Evolution Lake: Today was Funky Chicken’s birthday! We celebrated the beginning of her twenties by summiting Muir Pass! There were still some patches of snow during the climb so it was fun to watch my tramily get a taste of the experience. We surprised Funky by singing happy birthday as she walked into the hut. Afterwards, we lifted her up in our arms for a celebratory tramily photo. On the way down, I spent a lot of time hitting on all the cute thru-hiker boys. I forgot to bring my lip balm so I used Mo’s, unbeknownst to me that it turned my lips a shade of...

July 10, 2022

South Fork Kings River to Middle Fork Kings River: Today, we summited Mather Pass; I couldn’t believe how different the experience was this time through. In 2019, I experienced a near death experience going up that pass. I had followed a path of footsteps on the snow that took a “shortcut” by cutting off all the switchbacks. The only option was to vertically rock scramble jagged boulders with the weight of our 60+ pound packs. I remember shaking and crying as I held eye contact with my boyfriend at the time. Frozen in place after getting a glimpse below at what looked like the face of our...

July 9, 2022

Suspension Bridge to South Fork Kings River: Woke up early to start our ascent up Pinchot Pass. After we summited, we made it down to Lake Marjorie and my tramily bathed in the alpine lake while I went to explore the surrounding area barefoot. I climbed atop a rocky hill, with a stellar view of the northern lakes up ahead. The visual of rippling water sent me into a contemplative state while the chilled wind blew on my cheeks. When I came back to my tramily, Mo was sprawled out on a rock enjoying the sun’s rays. We relaxed for a bit longer and then continued down the pass. I met an older...

July 8, 2022

Vidette Meadow to Suspension Bridge: Today we summited Glen Pass. The climb was harder than Forester, although less strenuous in elevation. We snapped our tramily photo and CTM made fun of me for hitting on the hott thru-hiker guys on top of the summit. I denied it and she goes, “You asked them to give you a slice of their salami and did full-blown yoga stretches in front of them… I have never in my life seen you stretch.” Later, we skinny dipped in Rae Lakes and struck up a conversation with a hiker named Mr. Tidy. A rainbow streak formed over the lake for the rest of our lunch break, so...

July 7, 2022

Tyndall Creek to Vidette Meadow: We woke up early and began our ascent up Forester Pass, the high point of the PCT. I truly could not believe that I hiked the same section a few years back. Back then, I woke up at midnight to ford two rivers chest deep. When the sun began to rise, all I saw was fields upon fields of snow. I sat on top of an exposed boulder tip to put on my crampons. I grabbed my ice axe and proceeded to make a vertical ascent up Forester, dismissing all of the switchbacks. I was so cold and physically exhausted but had to keep moving since I was wet from the river fords....

July 6, 2022

Rock Creek Camp to Tyndall Creek: Woke up at dawn to a plethora of tents surrounding me. Felt happy to be with my tramily. Did my urine therapy routine and took supplements to help ease the apparent effects of altitude. Mo, Funky and I filtered some water and started our ascent toward Bighorn Plateau. About a mile into the climb, I saw a blanket of pinecones, so I figured it would be a great spot to take a break. Mo enjoyed a cup of joe on a down tree while I starfished on top of the cones to re-ground. I continued on and caught up with CTM. She got really excited to walk upon a dead tree...

July 5, 2022 (Part 2)

On self-worth, break ups and dating: As we drove up the mountain to Cottonwood Pass, my mind became flushed with nostalgic memories of the PCT. It was 2019 and my boyfriend at the time flew out to do the Sierra section with me. We were in an unhealthy relationship and I felt so scared to even entertain the idea that maybe it didn’t have to be so hard. An obscure remembrance of the girl I once was: unsure, insecure, weak in my boundaries, self-conscious. After the PCT, we broke up in a quite traumatic way. It happened to be the most painful heartbreak I apparently went through. It felt as...

July 5, 2022

Cottonwood Pass Trailhead to Rock Creek Camp: We woke up early and had a scheduled shuttle ride to go up the mountain to Cottonwood Pass Trailhead. Our shuttle driver asked us what made us want to do the JMT, so we shared how we met, along with our own personal aspirations. She said we were an unusual group. We hung out at Chicken Spring Lake as we sun-bathed and teased Jif for packing out a giant rod of salami. Mo dipped his feet in the water and shouted, “Did you guys see these alpine crabs?” Cool Trail Mom (CTM) yelled back, “On your dick?!” It was in that moment that I felt a sense of...

July 4, 2022

Directly after the Lithuanian Polka Dance Festival performance, I went to change out of my wardrobe and got a ride to the airport. I flew to LAX, slept on the airport floor and hitched out early in the morning towards Lone Pine. A woman pulled over when I was hitching in Mojave and was worried for my safety so she gave me some money. Shortly after, I got picked up by a sweet girl in her early 30s named Mochi. She was an avid mountain biker/rock climber and was driving around looking for places to climb. She used to invite people to join but they would always fall through on plans, so she...

July 3, 2022

After the finale of the Lithuanian Polka Dance Festival, all the performers began singing Trys Milijonai while polka dancing with each other. The main dance instructor cried out of joy, the dancers were covered in sweat and tears and the lively energy of our community permeated the space. I reflected on the art of performance. The appearance of chaos occurring backstage as dancers rapidly changed out of their outfits and ran to their next performance, the constant yelling and shushing, but then the way we all came out on stage: smiles, quiet, perfect posture and ready to perform. Everyone...

June 30-July 2, 2022

We arrived to Philly and drove to the hotel that we planned to reside in for the weekend. When we walked in, the place was crowded to the rim with Lithuanian folk. I felt at home in that aspect, but out of place when I attempted to talk to people my age. It seemed as if no one wanted to talk to me and that I was perceived as an outcast for not drinking alcohol or wanting to converse about things I wasn’t interested in. I just kept to myself and ended up being a lot more introverted. I found myself reading my book or journaling every time we went out. Eventually, I met a man my age named...

June 27, 2022

As a child, I grew up being entertained through dance, music and charades. My Dad would play his accordion every season of the year, whether it was to express his happiness or to transmute his sadness. I’m so grateful that I got to receive such a magical gift of connecting through touch rather than through a computer screen for entertainment… and to be honest, now it takes a lot for me to be truly entertained. Movies, VR, Instagram and TikTok don’t do it for me. I crave a traditional lifestyle. I prefer the raw experience of life. I prefer the raw experience of a person. There is so much...

June 22-29, 2022

I got off the CDT for a couple of weeks because my mom told me she broke her leg and begged me to replace her spot in the Lithuanian Polka Dance Festival. She said she would make me an unlimited amount of her famous homemade pancakes and any other Lithuanian meals I craved. I felt overwhelmed as I thought it would interfere with my upcoming thru-hike of the JMT, but instead of jumping to conclusions, I took some space to meditate and felt where the guidance was taking me. It was clear it felt lighter to go back and help her. The change of direction felt exciting, as if there was something...

June 21-22, 2022

(x-rated) MM 1215.8: I came to camp and felt sad that Naked Hiking Day was coming to an end. I told myself I only had to put my pants on. I got cozy in my tent, pulled out my prayer book and at that moment a handsome thru-hiker came down from the pass. His name was Lemonhope. He had long and thick blonde, almost ginger, hair. Intuitive bright blue eyes, a full beard and a delicious body. I thought to myself how he just HAD to camp with me. I asked if he wanted to share a cinnamon roll with me. Tenaciously, he sat in front of me. I unzipped my tent and laid on my side as I rested my head...

June 21, 2022

Today was Naked Hiking Day, otherwise known as the day I came ALIVE! Michael and I saw Shotgun walking on the side of the HWY so we offered her a ride up to Copper to catch up to her friends. I knew she was going to become one of my besties when she casually stripped down in the middle of a parking lot and ate an edible. We sprayed sunscreen on one another and parted ways; she headed north, Michael and I headed south. The trail meandered through the Copper Mountain Ski area. We talked to the golfers, waved to the people on the ski lifts, and of course, the day hikers were my all time...

June 20, 2022

June 20 2022, MM 1164.5: Walked north from Twin Lakes up to Timberline Lake Trailhead. I stopped to take a break at the trailhead and met a girl named Shotgun who happened to be from my exact hometown. Same age, graduated the same year from the same high school and hung out with the same people. She also hiked the Pacific Crest Trail the same year as I did. She worked at REI with my closest friend and just recently quit to come hike the CDT. But we never crossed paths until now. 🤯 After that experience, I hiked down a dirt road that led toward Leadville. I cowboy camped amongst some pine...

June 19, 2022

Got picked up by a cutie named Michael who was in his late 30s and recently got out of prison. He told me stories about prison life and how his reality changed for the better when he got out. I brought up how I was excited for Naked Hiking Day and he asked if he could join me, so I said yes! In the forecast, it showed rain the rest of the day, so he invited me to cruise along with him instead. He took me out for Mexican food and we split a giant plate of steak fajitas. Afterwards, we shopped for some silky burgundy sheets and scented candles for his new place. We went to explore some...

June 18, 2022

Dave and I spent the day walking around the festival and checking out the vendors. We ate elk and rattlesnake sausages and had small talk with the island noodle guys. We walked to the river and checked out the Hooligan show. The way I saw it was basically an event where a bunch of 20-40 year olds built a boat, got drunk and tried getting over the rapids while catching an envelope of money in hopes of the boat not falling to bits. Near the end, it began pouring rain, so Dave and I ran through the festival grounds to find some cover. After 30 minutes of sitting under a roof, a black widow...

June 17, 2022

I accidentally walked onto a big event occurring in Salida called FIBArk so decided to stay for the weekend! I resided in a lovely travelers home called Simple Hostel and traded my macramé pieces for a couple nights stay. At the hostel, I met a cute Swiss-French man named Lucas. He joined me on a walk to Safeway to get some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. On our way out of the store, I saw a group of security guards outside, so naturally, I hit on them. I brought attention to their handcuffs that hung off their waist and asked if they ever used them. They said no and I joked, “Let’s say I...

June 16, 2022

MM 1060.5: (x-rated) Hiked 10 miles to the HWY, hitched a ride into Salida and got a room at Browns Canyon Inn. Ate two medium pesto pizzas, a pint of fudge ice cream and still looked anorexic when I walked past the mirror. When night fell, it sounded nice to spend some time in the jacuzzi, so I used my buff as a top, paired it with my undies and dipped in. The scent of fallen pine needles on the boardwalk and warm white Christmas lights surrounded me as my muscles soaked in appreciation. I sat in solitude for about an hour until a couple of cuties walked through the side door of the...

June 14, 2022

MM 1008.3: I met some thru-hikers named Napoleon and Cuddles; we leapfrog’d each other throughout the day. Ran into a day hiker around noon and they suggested we get water before the upcoming section. A few minutes prior, I was telling Napoleon how if I were to hike the CT again, I would skip Cowshitopia because it was a long, exposed section with cow shit water from road puddles. I was trying so hard to avoid it that I walked myself directly into it. Funny how that works. So, I went though the “worst” of it today… all during the heat of the day in full exposure, drinking filtered cow...

June 12-13, 2022

MM 977.3: It was less than a year ago that I was in the very same spot, looking at the Colorado mountains I once summited. I thought about who I was and who I have been. A woman of my apparent past, now dead. I reflected on the slow process of self-love and inner strength revealed to me over time. Broken down to utter dust as I was shown how to re-build the courage to put one foot in front of the other. Through the mountains, I was humbled in ways I desperately resisted… silenced so I could listen. Early in the morning, I approached a lake surrounded by mountain ridges. The weight of...

June 11, 2022

MM 854.6: Flew to Durango in the early morning and hitched a ride down to Pagosa Springs. First man who picked me up was a man named Herbert who was part of the Ute Tribe. He wanted to let me know that if I saw eagles in my experience, it was a sign of protection. He also mentioned there has been a few Bigfoot spottings near Durango. He dropped me off a few miles from the airport and said, “May God bless you.” Second man who picked me up went by the name Eli. He was a miner in Silverton back in the 80’s and mentioned how he found 15k worth of gold which would now be the equivalent of...

June 3-7, 2022

After several days of being home, my father expressed to me that he was uncomfortable with my little brother coming along with me on the CDT. He was worried about the Colorado thunderstorms, the passes we had to climb over and the fact we had to hitchhike into towns. He admitted he felt as though he “lost” me since I veered down a much different path than he had planned for me and he was scared he would “lose” my little brother as well since he looked up to me the most. It was a bit upsetting at first since I viewed myself as an experienced hiker and I figured this would be a great...

May 30, 2022

The same guys gave me a ride back to the trail so I could finish up the small section of the basin I had left. I fell asleep in the car since it was extremely early in the morning and I woke up to a white blizzard. I hesitatingly got out of the warm car and put on my rain jacket and rain pants, which barely provided insulation. I laughed once again at my attempts to avoid the snow. Once I hiked to the HWY, I started to hitch toward Denver. I got picked up by two handsome hunters that were in their early twenties. They told me all about how they caught their own deer, elk and bear and the...

May 29, 2022

I had hiked around 35 miles and all I could think about was eating dinner and going to bed. I set up my tent in a very exposed area and the Wyoming wind was so fierce that the metal poles on my tent snapped in half, followed by my rain fly getting shredded. I saw how much I grew within that experience because first time thru-hiker me would’ve sat on my tush and cried while I hoped that the problem would somehow solve itself. But this time, without hesitation, I re-packed all of my items despite how tired I was. I knew a thunderstorm was on the horizon and I wasn’t interested in getting...

May 25-29, 2022

The Wyoming Basin: I enjoyed the remoteness the basin had to offer as it invited me to contemplate. I would find myself looking far off into the distance and I couldn’t see an end in sight. Wide open plains, no cars or people for days. Only me, the sagebrush covered hills and the snow capped mountains in the distance. The windy road walks felt like God took a paintbrush and playfully squiggled some lines onto a canvas, symbolic of how I felt about my path in this life: wavering, rocky, undefined, changeable, unable to see ahead, magical, open. I pondered, Why do we need all these cities,...

May 25, 2022

South Pass City, a lonely town that reminded me of the movie Hills Have Eyes. In truth, most of Wyoming had that feel to me. It was an eerie state full of interesting people. Started my moon and hung out at Atlantic City. The thru-hikers received a hiker breakfast that had the feel of a five-star cuisine exclusive for luxury guests. 😆 Afterwards, Ypsilon and I spent time talking on the porch while we shared double chocolate muffins and homemade oatmeal cookies. One of the guys that worked at the cabin was named Chris. By first glance, you would never expect him to be a mountain explorer....

May 20-24, 2022

Great Divide Alternate: Made it to Cumbress Pass and walked the green line most of the day. After several miles of road-walking, I started my hitch towards Denver. It was funny because my intention was to ditch the snow and I happened to get a ride through a snowstorm instead. 🤣 Spent the night in Golden at Mo’s house as I waited for the snow to melt. Him and his wife fed me homemade lasagna, pulled pork and triple chocolate chip brownies. At the end of the day, we had a mini tramily reunion and celebrated with pizza! Cool Trail Mom drove me to Rawlins, Wyoming so we spent some time...

May 19, 2022

MM 777.2: There were forest closures put in place due to the fires occurring in New Mexico/Colorado, but I was set on making it to the border so I pushed big miles. The altitude was getting to me, so near the end of the day Sledge fucked me on the side of the trail and I swallowed his cum for a little pick me up. (It helped immensely. 😋) The last few miles were the ultimate mental and physical test. There were so many blow downs to the point where I could no longer see the path. The snow also slowed me down immensely; the footsteps of those in front of me were either incorrect, half...

May 18, 2022

(x-rated): Scotty and I took off early in the morning. I got dropped off at the trailhead and relaxed into the state of New Mexico. I felt at home as the heat of the sun caused sweat to drip down my back; less than 100 miles left to the Colorado border!! After several miles of walking, I saw some hikers in the distance and one of the guys invitingly yelled “hi” across the lake. His voice deep and raspy, my knees became weak. All I knew was that I had to have him. We crossed paths later on and told me his name was Sledge. The other two in his group were Soccer Mom and Ponderosa. They...

May 15-17, 2022

I rode back to Chicago with Quinn for I had the intention of surprising my family for a moment. When I drove to pick my mom up from her rehearsal practice, I saw her walking out and felt a sense of gratitude come over me. To be able to receive the perception of my mother being apparently alive in this realm, able bodied and healthy reminded me to appreciate her in each moment, for everything was passing. I ran out of the car to kiss her and told her I came back just to give her a hug. She told me she was going to tie me up with ropes to a post so I stop pulling this shit. 😂 When we made...

May 14, 2022

(x-rated): Quinn, Lil’ Otter and I walked around to check out the vendors. Quinn bought a burrito that was too spicy which made her cry uncontrollably. Lil’ Otter and I pretended to be husband and wife and adopted Quinn as our make-believe daughter. He bought us a towel for later and we made comments about how grateful we were to have gotten a babysitter for our kids so we could finally have a night to ourselves. Went thrift shopping for something sparkly so I could wear it at the hiker parade. Found a sarong and some pom poms. Score. The parade was surreal and full of love, freedom and...

May 13, 2022

(x-rated): Enjoyed a free pancake breakfast with a friend. Then, I got a shuttle ride to receive a foot bath from some volunteers from church. They gifted the hikers freshly baked treats and handmade beanies. Met Darwin, the famous YouTuber. It felt like an honor to thank him in person for his videos. I’m personally not into YouTubers much, however he was one who caught my attention due to his humbleness and simplicity in getting his message across. He was a big reason I got inspired to put a pack on my back and head out into the wild and for that I will be eternally grateful. Played...

May 12, 2022

W.I.C. and I leapfrog’d for quite some time before we eventually decided to just hike together. She opened my mind up to some new perspectives as I did for her. She offered me relationship advice and reaffirmed for me to stand solid in my boundaries. She advised me not to carry the burden of the cross… of my mother, father, sister or friend. To let go of the weight… the weight of the expectations, responsibilities, obligations, guilt that was unconsciously given to me. And instead, to move where ever I was guided to go… to live my life as Goda/Freyja would have it. I felt so uplifted by...

May 11, 2022 (Part 2)

I started hiking north on the Appalachian trail out of Damascus, VA. I love hitchhiking and all but there’s nothing like being in the middle of the wilderness where I’m difficult to reach or hard to find. ✨🌿🧚🏼‍♀️ Hung out at a shelter my first night. I could see why people have such a close relationship to this trail. After climbing most of the day to walk upon hikers surrounded by a bonfire laughing, I forgot all about the difficulty of the hike. With your community, all the pain seems to dissipate, or you find common ground and are able to laugh about the struggle together. First guy...

May 11, 2022

Thoughts on seduction and dating: I woke up at sunrise to Kawa driving the truck. He heard me rustling and momentarily took his eyes off the road to send me a smile and say, “Come to me, babe.” I thought to myself, “This man is too good to be true.” And the thing is, he is. Like me, he knew the secrets of how to charm and put people under a spell. I could only count 3 men, including him, who knew how to seduce at my level. I do play games with men, I own that. At the same time, I love being played, otherwise I wouldn’t find myself in those experiences. I also find it cute when I give my...

May 10, 2022

(x-rated): I got picked up by a guy who reminded me of my dad. Simultaneously, I reminded him of his 23 year old daughter. He asked if the life I was living would be okay for his daughter to live since she seemed to be heading in the same direction. I said absolutely and suggested he give her the freedom to explore because traveling the world would teach her more than books ever could. Apparently, I was hitchhiking in the highest crime city in the U.S. (Memphis, TN). The guy who picked me up said I was playing russian roulette with my life. We hit it off really well and made plans to hike...

May 9, 2022

A truck driver picked me up out of the picnic area. As I opened the door, he asked if I had any weapons on me and I said, “No, and I’m also not a prostitute.” (Might as well just start saying that.) He was a short, chubby Mexican guy who just recently got out of prison. He told me how he grew up in a gang and how his son was currently in prison due to having chosen the gang lifestyle. I asked him if he killed anyone and he didn’t give me a solid answer. We cruised around for a few hours and he learned about my lifestyle and said, “I’m a gangster but YOU are an ACTUAL gaaangster.” I got...

May 7-8, 2022

Ghost Ranch Alternate: Walked through moss covered trees and snow melted creeks. This stretch of trail changed so rapidly that I thought I was already in the state of Colorado. There was quite a bit of snow and down trees but nothing like what I experienced on the PCT. I experienced a lot of congestion from the smoke coming from the wildfires. It felt as though it required all of my energy to hike even just a couple miles. I felt feverish the night prior and knocked out before 5pm. I woke up the following morning and still felt called to take it easy, so I got off on the nearest road and...

May 6, 2022

Wide awake, Grandpa Vince drove me in his four wheeler and dropped me off on the corner of Winslow AZ so I could start hitching towards the east coast. Fields of pines, gusts of winds and the scent of diesel brought up elation for my upcoming adventure. I thought about the things I admire in people. I’m not impressed by diamonds, shiny cars or fame. I’m impressed by authenticity, transparency and ones aptitude to be wild. I’ve always been drawn to older men and the common assumption I have received is that I got molested or that I had “daddy issues” growing up. People seem to want to put...

May 5, 2022

Crossed paths with a guy named Salsa who planned to thru-hike the CDT SOBO this year. His friend Top-shelf was hiking with him and she already thru-hiked the CDT. I feel so inspired when I meet people who already completed a thru or who got their triple crown. It is an incredible accomplishment that many won’t truly understand unless they themselves have done it! Goose recommended I stay with his adopted grandfather, Vince, when I made it into Pine. I gave him a call and he picked me up from the trailhead. He invited me into his beautiful home, accented with a backdrop of pine trees and...

May 2-4, 2022

Flagstaff to Pine: Got a ride back to the trail by an older man and his daughter. He told me that I was living life the “right” way, that the American dream was a lie and not to buy into it. He told me it was a trap to buy a house only to spend the rest of my life paying bills. I recalled people telling me this since I was 17 and took the advice to live a nomadic lifestyle instead. 🧚🏼‍♀️✨ I smiled and said “so I’ve been told.” Stopped at Pine Grove Campground and was greeted by the camp hosts and fellow campers on their way out. We got to talking and they gifted me a plethora of...

May 1, 2022

Unimpressed and I hitched to Flagstaff since it was where I left off on the AZT last year. We got a ride pretty quickly and parted ways when we arrived. He hiked north as I hiked south. I felt guided to be in Sedona for the late afternoon. Sometimes, I think to myself, “But I ‘planned’ on being in this spot at this time and if I go here I won’t get there in ‘time’.” I’ve learned to hush that voice by simplifying it as, “What feels lighter?” I’ve learned to tune in and trust the guidance. I’ve been spending a lot of time interacting with people, to the point where I have been neglecting...

April 30, 2022

Hitched Unimpressed to Pine, AZ. Waited at least two hours. I feel my hitchhiking roll is slowed down immensely when I hitchhike with guys, but I don’t mind. I find it’s the perfect time to stretch my legs, read my book and take in the silence. A couple of cops turned their lights on and pulled in. Sensing that I might be in trouble, my excitement started to build. One of them rolled his window down and I rested my head against his window frame. I smiled sweetly, batted my eyes and said, “Hello, Officer…” I love how friendly cops are with me… probably because they can feel how turned on I...

April 29, 2022

Superior to Vineyard Trailhead: Started my moon cycle today and did a happy dance. I notice I become very contemplative when I’m bleeding. Here are some questions that arose during today’s trek: Do wild animals fart? Do wild animals get mad at each other? Do they experience relationships issues? How come the same milk is priced differently in each store? Do different breeds of dog taste differently? How did the expression ‘happy as a clam’ come about? Later on, I met a British guy named Unimpressed. He seemed really happy to see another person after not seeing anyone for a few days. I...

April 28, 2022

Superior, AZ: I was trekking along thinking to myself it would be nice to receive a new black base layer top since mine officially shredded to capacity after 6,000+ miles. Two hours later I came across a bear box and opened it to find a new base layer top, exactly my size and the brand I envisioned. A reminder that everything comes when I just relax and don’t worry about “how” it’s going to come or “if” it’s going to come. The moment I stress, I see how I push opportunities and gifts away from myself. Same concept applies to money. Anytime I find myself stressing, I seem to lose expensive...

April 16, 2022

I got breakfast with Brendan so I could spend some time with him before I hitched out. I had an undercooked blueberry pancake while Brendan partook in some stuffed french toast. I lounged around Triple Crown Hostel as I worked on my book and spent some time with the new hikers. I ended up getting vortexed into Silver City again and didn’t hitch out. My friend Jezus called me out of the blue. He is the owner of Cinderland Ecovillage in Hawaii that I work-traded in for a few years. He heard I was hiking the CDT and expressed how it was his dream to thru-hike when he was my age but never...

April 24-25, 2022

Mount Lemmon to Gila River Trailhead: Watched It’s Always Sunny with Brendan. We watched the “D.E.N.N.I.S. System” and he made one for me called the “G.O.D.A. System”: G give it up O overwhelm D disappear A and never talk to them again LOL. I don’t feel that’s the case with me, but it’s funny receiving that sort of perception; helps me learn how to laugh at the apparent habits I seem to have. I got a ride by a sweet couple who took me all the way from Silver City back to Tucson. It was healing to witness a couple who had been married for over 25 years in such a loving marriage. I noticed...

April 23, 2022

(x-rated): I walked the freeway around 5am to hitch a ride to Silver City so I could make it to CDT Trail Days. I was determined to get free pancakes that they were cooking up for the hikers. I got a ride by an older gentleman who started crying as he shared stories of all the ways God created miracles in his life. I’m pretty sure he was drunk. Got dropped off in the sketchy town of Deming. The first car that pulled over was two meth head teens who said they would take me anywhere if I gave them money. I said no thank you, hence me hitchhiking. They asked if I wanted to go on a hustle...

April 22, 2022

(x-rated): I started hitching towards Silver City to make it to trail days but then the guy who picked me up happened to be a super sexy cowboy in his mid twenties, so naturally, plans changed. He talked my ear off about the cowboy lifestyle, clearly being something he was passionate about. He talked of rodeo being an art of “power under control”. A system of “pressure and release”. He invited me to a rodeo event that was happening at Las Cruces, so I tuned into the energy of it and I was guided to say YES! We stopped at his friend Zac’s place to kill a couple of hours. I noticed that...

April 21, 2022

Rincon Mountain Wilderness to Molino Basin Campground: I didn’t take any photos of the 15+ mile trek to Tuscon as I was concentrated on not dying from heat exhaustion. At one point I saw the same footprints as mine and I was like, “Am I dead? Is this me watching my own footsteps thinking I’m still alive?” Immense gratitude overtook me when I came upon a water cache near the HWY. ❤️ My friend Joel picked me up at my favorite store (Safeway) and hosted me for the night. We met last year when he picked me up hitchhiking and we became pretty close friends. I was curious to see if he was still...

April 20, 2022

La Selvilla Picnic Area to Rincon Mountain Wilderness: Woke up at 2am and started walking uphill most of the day. When the sun arose, the jagged rocks and crumbled dirt started to glisten with what appeared to be silver confetti. Went skinny dipping and dried off in the sun. A handsome man walked by and I apologized for being naked as I fake attempted to cover myself up. He smiled and goes, “Don’t be.” My nipples became erect in an instant. Even my apparent body likes to convince me that I’m an exhibitionist. 🙈 Near the end of the day I was comforted by the melody of tall pines whistling...

April 19, 2022

Enzenberg Canyon to La Selvilla Picnic Area: Saw the four planets (Jupiter, Venus, Mars, Saturn) lined up as the sun rose over the horizon. Made a quick detour into Vail to eat a blueberry pancake. Afterward, a guy named Dirk picked me up and gave me a ride close to the trailhead. He talked about how he is a feminist and how women are superior to men. He said I didn’t have to worry being in the car with him because he was a really nice guy. He dropped me off near the HWY, kneeled before me, kissed my hand and said, “You are my superior,” then proceeded to give me $20. He said he wanted to...

April 18, 2022

Patagonia to Enzenberg Canyon: I was excited to take a break from CDT road-walking only to come to Arizona to do more road walking. 😂 I climbed all morning. My body felt strong, core engaged. My clothing drenched in sweat, my mind in the zone of the present moment. I felt I was high, living out my dream in real time instead of through a screen. I grew to love the challenge of uphill climbs. I became a witness of the thoughts that penetrated my mind… the daggers of doubt… the lingering temptation of giving up. But I kept taking one step at a time, to the beat of the music or to the sound...

April 17, 2022

Mexico to Patagonia: Spent all morning hitching from Silver City to the Southern Terminus of the AZT. I was in a weird funk all morning; felt very melancholy. I didn’t feel like conversing, probably due to socializing so much the past few days. Brendan’s friend, Moonshine (former thru-hiker) drove me to Lordsburg and I got picked up by a man named Austin. We didn’t talk for the whole hour drive since his jeep didn’t have windows and we would have been required to yell. The sound of the boisterous wind was just what I needed in order to sit with the feelings that were coming up. I would...

April 15, 2022

(x-rated): Got off at Torreon Road on the CDT and decided why not hitchhike to Arizona and finish the AZT. Not even two minutes later I got a ride by a guy named Marcus who said he would take me all the way to the trailhead (8 hour drive) just because he felt like it. 🤯 He took me to Lotaburger and Wally World so I could buy some chocolate chip cookies. We heated them up on his dashboard as he showed me the artist Chris Stapleton. I fell in love with the tunes so he played the CD on repeat 3 times. I fell into a deep silence as we drove down windy roads up and over the mountain ridges. I...

April 11-15, 2022

MM 599.1: Hitched to Grants from the airport and got a ride by a sweet woman who drove me all the way back to Lava Flow Hostel. She reminded me of my manager’s wife. Same Greek accent, same face, same motherly energy. I often meet people that remind me of people from my hometown. It’s a reminder that my friends are with me in Spirit during my travels. ❤️ I ordered myself a pizza and the delivery boy gave me 6 paper plates. After I devoured the pizza, I went to pick up a trail magic box that Susie Q sent me. It was more than I could’ve asked for. Moments like this feel like Christmas for a...

April 11, 2022

Mahalo to my friends who helped me get through the experience with Pupa. I seriously feel as though I have the best friends in my hometown… and out of all places, Illinois. 😝 It just shows I’ll meet the right people, no matter where I’m at in the world. Quinn and I had a cappuccino at our old workplace. We received hugs and words of love/affection from the employees and managers who passed us by. I thought back to when I prayed for a job where I could greet my managers with hugs and let them know how much I love them. What a blessing to watch it turn into a reality. Quinn introduced me to...

April 9, 2022

I came back to Chicago for a couple of days to be there for Pupa’s passing on. The moment I came into the house and saw her, I sat on the floor and she slowly came up to me and nudged her snout into my thigh for several minutes. I could feel her saying, “Thank you. I love you.” She was known to be my baby. People often pointed out that we looked like sisters. She slept with me, we adventured together. She got me through my teenage years… she helped me through my heartbreaks, licked the tears off my face. We could barely keep ourselves together when the doctor arrived. I felt she knew what...

April 8, 2022

MM 525.1: I flashed a bunch of cars that drove by to add some excitement to our road walk. Adam said that when our time came to part ways, all that would be left is the “legend of Freyja”. I think it’s so cute how people assume I won’t ever see them again. I am a wanderer, but shit, if I had a good time I will most definitely see you again. We walked on the overpass and got a bunch of cars to honk for us; made us feel as though we already made it to Canada. 😂 A few miles before town, a sweet lady picked us up and told us of a homeless shelter nearby. Adam and I made eye contact with a...

April 6, 2022

Cebolla Alternate: The CDT is living up to its notorious reputation of road walking. So far, it feels as though at least 300 miles has been on the road. At least there are breathtaking views and it’s easy to push big miles. 🤷🏼‍♀️ We took a nap on a field of lava as our clothes dried in the sun. Afterwards, I spotted a cute couple in the distance and I yelled hi to them with an inviting smile. I think they thought I was going to ask them for food, but really I just wanted to make out. We met some day hikers at the La Ventana trailhead who looked excited to see us thru-hikers passing by....

April 4-5, 2022

MM 415.4: We made it to the Toaster House (free hiker hostel) and took a nero. I decided I would be getting off at Grants to fly back to Chicago and take a few days off trail to be there for Pupa’s passing on. The caretaker, Jefferson, let us do hiker laundry in the sink and had us air dry our clothes on the line. Such a neat place, filled with hiker memoir, quotes, photos, stickers and words of inspiration to keep us trekking on. We went to the Ohana Cafe and ordered two meals each. I was super pleased to meet the Hawaiian owner, Ngaire. We hit it off like best friends and indulged in...

April 2, 2022

MM 367.7: Last night I had service for a short moment and received a message from my mom letting me know our childhood dog is weak and is going to need to be put down. This morning I didn’t even make it a mile until I dropped my pack on the side of the trail, put my head in my hands and started crying. Adam showed up on trail, put his mat next to me so I could curl into his lap. I noticed a heavy feeling of guilt and regret arise. Feeling as though I didn’t do enough for her… I didn’t take her on enough adventures… I could’ve been kinder. She was a perfect angel, never asked for anything....

April 1, 2022

Gila Wilderness: Adam and I woke up at dawn to frozen shoes and socks. We immediately had to do several river crossings and I felt the needles poking at my skin as the chilled wind hit my legs. We walked through a movie like prairie covered in meadow marshes and lava rock. Shortly after, we started our road walk and I figured why not walk naked and get prepped for naked hiking day. 🤷🏼‍♀️ We stopped at MM 92 on the Gila River Alternate to take a break. Adam became gamesome and started wrestling me on the dirt road. We formed swirls of dust, laughing playfully as I fell onto the road. He...

March 31, 2022

Gila Wilderness: Today, we met up at a break spot and decided it would be fun to do a nude photoshoot with antlers and skulls that we found laying around the area. We intuitively decided to take the Lower Gila River Route because apparently we felt like getting our feet wet again. We camped extra early and spent time bathing in the river, doing laundry and getting a fire going to dry off. The fire has been teaching me that it is okay not to be seen, for in the silence am I truly witnessed in my depths. Maybe not in the way I think I would want to be, but in the way that I am truly...

March 30, 2022

Gila Wilderness: Today, we woke up and decided to actually follow the trail instead of summit a mountain. We road walked to Doc’s and it happened to be closed. We ran into some local women who offered us some weed and gave us directions to the owner’s house. They said he wouldn’t mind if we knocked on his door because he really caters to hikers and understands that sometimes their schedule doesn’t line up. As I was walking up to his house, he opened the door with a sweet smile and automatically started walking towards the store and told me to follow him, implying that it happened a lot....

March 29, 2022

Gila Wilderness: Today, Adam and I had a little out of the way detour adventure. We woke up and started hiking at 5am with the intention of getting to Doc Campbell’s Post. Somewhere along the line we got lost and must’ve missed a river crossing because we started following a totally different river. We had to get to the other side of the mountain so we both said “fuck it” and decided it would be best to climb up and over it. I should have known better that it was NOT a shortcut. We were heading straight up the mountain for hours, bushwhacking and eating shit several times. It has been a...

March 28, 2022

Gila Wilderness: I woke up to Adam cracking sticks to get a morning fire going for us. There is nothing like the scent of a campfire to get you motivated for a full day of hiking. 🔥👣 It was quite hilarious to see the relationship that Fudge Packer and I formed. We met at the hostel and hung out in town together. We were naturally super open talking about our life experiences, sexual turn ons, spirituality/religion, politics, etc… and we realized that we are both on opposite sides of the spectrum. The conversation ended with us both expressing our attraction for one another but recognizing...

March 27, 2022

End of Silver City, Beginning of Gila Wilderness: I went to hang out at Tranquilbuzz to catch up on my travel blog, but ended up running into friends instead! I loved the energy of Silver City because I could simply smile at people and they would take it as an opportunity to pull out a chair and have a conversation with me. I ran into Taylor and felt I was meant to spend some time with her instead of work on my blog and we ended up having the most lovely girl time over a cup of coffee. We exchanged “I love you”’s and I made my way back to the hostel to start packing. Brendan dropped me...

March 26, 2022

This morning, Dale and I met up with Adam to have breakfast at Adobe Springs. As we were walking into the restaurant I saw two sheriff cars parked out front and I squeezed Dale’s arm and yelled, “oh my god!!!” I started laughing at the way it seemed the Universe was playing with me. The hostess sat us right next to them and I go, “you have got to be fucking kidding me”. Dale had the audacity to ask one of the sheriff’s to give me directions on how to get back on trail. The sheriff stood in front of me with his thumbs tucked into his waist strap, his bulletproof vest expanded his chest. My...

March 25, 2022 (Part 2)

I got dropped off at Triple Crown Hostel and the owner of the place, Brendan, gave me a tour. It was truly a hiker’s dream with exceptional pricing. I asked if I could be naked in the hot tub and he said I could do whatever I wanted so that was an automatic win. He sat down to have coffee with me and a fellow traveler named Dale came out to join. He had a deep voice, a long beard and had an aura of masculinity. He said how he loved that I had a sense of humor with the situation about the cop. I must say, I have come a long way with this perception. It is funny to me (most of the time),...

March 25, 2022

A cop picked me up on the side of the road as I was walking HWY 180 towards Silver City. As soon as he stepped out of the car, I got flustered when I saw him in his uniform with a gun strapped around his waist. I actually had to pull myself together as to not get distracted by his uniform. I swear, it puts a spell on me. I kept wanting to obey his demands and call him “sir” and “officer” with a sexual undertone, but unfortunately he wasn’t my type. He let me sit in the front seat and I rubbed my hands together to warm up. He placed his hand on my upper thigh and told me I had goosebumps...

March 24, 2022

MM 143.5: Today, I cried from the beauty and tranquility I felt within me yet perceived outside of me. For a moment I felt as though I was cheating on the PCT with the CDT. Your first thru-hike feels like your first relationship that you never really got over. It took some letting go in my mind to hike a new long distance trail. I have a strong pull towards the west coast, but I have to focus on new dreams I feel called to accomplish, such as completing my triple crown before I turn 30. 💪🏼 I felt super dehydrated today. It was a super long water carry and last night I realized I brought...

March 23, 2022

MM 120.5 The terrain changed drastically after Lordsburg. I started to enter rolling hills with a mixture of sand, cacti, pine trees and snow. I also hit MM 100!!! 🎉🎊🥳 It felt much easier compared to the CT and PCT. Not easier perse, just a better idea of knowing what kind of physical pain to expect by that time. I got some gnarly blisters on my toes. I smile when I look at them because I think of my friend Orange Man. We had the same start date on the PCT and he hiked hundreds of miles with me. One day I broke down in the desert from the apparent pain I was experiencing. He held space...

March 22, 2022

MM 98.1: Yesterday, I spent the night in Lordsburg since it was still raining from last night’s windstorm. I was paying for my takeout burger when Adam tapped on my shoulder to surprise me! He tried catching up to me yesterday and we were both momentarily bummed out that we didn’t get each other’s numbers. I told him it would’ve been nice to split a room, but we both already got one. ~By the way, yes, that is how comfortable people are right off the bat. Time is the trippiest thing out here. You meet people and you feel as though you have been friends for years. It is not uncommon for...

March 20, 2022

MM 75.5: Met a guy named ‘Camel’ who thru-hiked the Pct in 2018. I had to tone down my excitement from seeing another hiker. It’s sort of nice not seeing people for several days because when you do, you are so grateful. It often feels like I’m on this mission alone and I go through these feats every day so when I see someone it’s a reminder that there is always someone not far away. Someone could be camped 500 feet away from you and you wouldn’t even know it! Shortly after, I ran into Adam and Buck next to the water cache. God bless backpacker men, they are so gorgeous to me. It’s as...

March 19, 2022 (Part 2)

One of my friends told me he wishes I never lose the joy I experience when I look at the world with child’s eyes. I get so excited when I look at the mountains, a deer, the sunset. He told me that he lost sight of the beauty and doesn’t know if he’ll ever get it back. It is easy for me to view the world with such eyes the more I simplify my life. The less stuff I have, the less I’m on my phone, the less I’m watching TV. Movies interest me here and there, but now I just watch them for inspiration. I can see how today’s generation has a hard time viewing the world with such excitement, for...

March 19, 2022

MM 54.6: Today, the idea of courage was on my mind. It’s funny the things we humans look up to each other for. For many people, they find the things I seem to do courageous. Yet in my experience, I find people who aren’t afraid to be in a committed relationship courageous. I don’t seem to have the courage to hold a long-term relationship at this moment in time. I have the will power to walk marathons every day for months but relationships? God no. I associate being single as being truly happy and free. Deep down I know I can be happy in whatever circumstance, yet I seem to experience this...

March 18, 2022

MM 32.5: Walking through the desert reminded me of my first days on the PCT in Southern Cali. Except here, I experienced a true sense of remoteness. I looked around to see an abyss of hills, barbed wire fences surrounded by cacti and sage brush dispersed throughout the sand. I got a clear sense there was no one close to me, except for some cows! 😝 Got to HWY 81 and there was a water cache with 25+ gallons of water. I did a happy dance and took a siesta as I replenished myself with water and Reese’s. Ran into Dog Dad again as I was packing up my stuff. He asked if I needed anything. Such a...

March 17, 2022

MM 18: Met a guy named ‘Dog Dad’. He resides near the trail and told me where I could find some trail magic (food and a water cache). He let me know that it’s best that I’m getting this section out of the way because it is the worst part. He said I’ll basically be walking through the heat of the desert through unenjoyable terrain until I get about 10 miles past Lordsburg. It actually made me super excited to hear because I LOVE it so far. The desert is one of my favorite elements to be in since I’m naturally cold. I love witnessing the diversity of perceptions on trail. What makes one...

March 16, 2022 (Part 2)

MM 0: Last minute, Spirit led me to backpack the Continental Divide Trail instead of the PCT! This is going to be the toughest hike I have done yet. I am starting in Mexico and will be walking through New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana and will be ending in Canada!! A quarter way through, I will be hitchhiking to CA to thru-hike the John Muir Trail with my tramily beginning of July, totaling over 3,300 miles this summer!!!! 🤯 On my way to the CDT monument, I felt the same nervousness arise when I started my first thru-hike, except this time a little more so as I felt as though...

March 16, 2022

Aaron and I picked up a super lovely hitchhiker who was walking along the side of HWY 81. His name was Chris and he greeted us with a pearly white smile. The feeling of his dry rough skin shaking my hand had me convinced he was parched from the desert sun, yet he expressed his love for walking in the heat. We supplied him with water, chocolate and tuna. He was a sweetheart, probably the kindest hitchhiker I have met so far. We dropped him off at the food mart in Hachita. With gratitude, he threw on his backpack, grabbed his hand carved hiking stick and continued his hitch towards San...

September 30-October 4, 2021

Arizona Trail

Got picked up by Aaron & we decided to go road-tripping from Tuscon all the way to Moab, Utah (where I planned on getting dropped off to meet up with my older brother). Aaron was a man who picked me up hitchhiking back in Durango & drove me all the way to Flagstaff. We hit it off super super well & I made it a point to go backpacking with him in Sedona before I came home. We spent several days together checking out some awesome trails, hot springs, & new restaurants. ❤️🏜✨ Aaron, I appreciate you so much for this opportunity. Mahalo for taking care of me during such a sacred time. Mahalo...

September 27-29, 2021

Hung out in Tucson for a couple of nights. I got a ride by a prison guard who asked if I was a serial killer. I said yes & got into his car. He was sweet; a believer in God. He dropped me off near a gas station by the highway. It was a super hard hitch. Plenty of traffic but I wasn’t in a good spot. I waited a whole hour so I decided to pull out my “victimized hitchhiker” moves. I put my bag on the floor, sat on it & put my hand on my head. I drank from my empty water bottle & fanned myself with my hand. Got picked up right after I pulled that card. I got dropped off by some motels which...

September 26, 2021

Anita took me hiking the next morning to check out a cool little nature spot. Afterwards, I got a ride to Patagonia. I started walking south to hit the border of Mexico. As I was walking down through the neighborhood, a man named Tracy asked where my trekking poles were. I told him I only had one left because I lost the other one while I was hitchhiking. He told me to come into his house & he would give me some new ones. He gave me a pair of metallic gold trekking poles which was an exact request I made to the Universe a couple of months ago. Ask & you shall receive. Everything is always...

September 25, 2021

Logan got me a room last night & I could tell he was feeling lonely & he thought he could solve his feelings by messing around with me. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. We were in 2 separate beds & he said he would give me my space as he didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. I was exhausted. I was up since 3am hiking & it was around 11pm when I fell asleep… & when I am out, I am OUT. I woke up to him in my bed naked, massaging my ass. I just took a deep breath & got up to take a bath. I have never been one to freak out in those situations. It’s just kind of like, “eh, he’ll...

September 24, 2021

I decided to flip to Tuscon & start walking south to hit the border & then flip up & walk north. I had a variety of hitches yesterday, as no one was heading straight to Tuscon. I hung around Sedona & basked in the energy as I had my thumb out. Eventually I got a ride closer to a ramp headed towards Phoenix. The guy who drove me goes, “I thought you were a homeless drug addict but then I got a closer look & noticed you weren’t.” 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 Next, a pickup truck drove by super slowly to get a closer look at me. The man in the driver’s seat (Logan) stared me down with his jaw dropped open, as...

September 22-24, 2021

Tusayan to Flagstaff Urban Trail: I was experiencing strong feelings of quitting the AZT for many reasons. Mostly having to do with my family consistently asking me to come home & be with them. They have just started to vocalize that they miss me rather than telling me subliminally. My Dad & brother FaceTimed me to show me the Halloween decorations they bought & told me to come back so I could go trick or treating. The feelings have been intensifying within me to see them, along with my friends from work. Late at night, I called my Dad to ask him for some relationship advice. I’m so...

September 21, 2021

Perks of hiking alone: cute guys consistently ask you out on dates. Got 2 for tonight. 😈 It still fascinates me how much I let men motivate my life. Going up the Grand Canyon was STEEP & what was getting me motivated was thinking about my upcoming date. I started fantasizing & wondering what would happen; getting lost in arousing stories. Nick was late by more than an hour which was an extreme turn off. One of the biggest mood killers for me is a guy that is late. I think it’s because I’ve always been early to places/events so when I experience lateness I feel a lot of anxiety come up. He...

September 20-21, 2021

(North Rim to South Rim Grand Canyon): I got offered a ride from the North Rim all the way to the South Rim. Do you know how hard it was to say ‘no’ to skipping one of the hardest sections of the trail? 😂 The excitement to see the Grand Canyon for the first time outweighed the temptation to skip the strenuous hike. Met a group of people who gave me food & drinks because they saw I was eating ravenously. I ate salt & vinegar chips which are normally disgusting to me, but I’ve been in weird eating habits on trail so it tasted like Heaven. We took a photo together & parted ways. Met a couple...

September 17 – 20, 2021

Northern Terminus to North Kaibab TrailheadI got hit by some gnarly thunderstorms my second day into trail so I took a nero in Jacob Lake. A sweet woman named Shelli let me into her office & turned on a space heater for me so I could warm up & dry off. She asked how I go about hitchhiking & I told her how I trust in God a lot. She immediately got goosebumps & said she felt the Holy Spirit with her. We dove into a deep energetic bond by talking about our Love for God & how He has taken care of us in unimaginable ways. I could tell she was a follower of Spirit’s guidance...

September 15, 2021

(X-rated) I got a room at ‘Sun & Sand Motel’. I vibed with the owner so well! She gave me a hiker discount & let me do laundry. We talked of manifestation & the importance of being specific when asking the Universe for things. 💖 I noticed some cute guys unpacking to stay in the room next to mine so decided it would be fun to seduce them. I walked out in nothing but my towel & began flirting with them. Their names were Greg & Doug. I was extra attracted to Greg. He was 37, tatted & had a deep voice that made me whimper inside. We all sat outside & enjoyed some drinks. The owner of the...

Uinta Highline Trail Highlights

The High Unitas was just what I needed. The trail was extremely remote; perfect for true solitude time. The views reminded me of the Sierra Nevada, Washington & Colorado combined. Pine forests, mountains, meadows, high elevation. The pinkish reddish rocks that Utah had looked as though someone sprinkled pink glitter on them & when it rained, it turned a deep crimson red. 💖 For those of you who are inspired to hike this:I HIGHLY recommend getting several different items for navigation because very often you will find yourself walking on the trail & then it just stops & you...

September 13, 2021

(10 days later) I didn’t realize I was that traumatized up until the last several days. I noticed I’ve been extremely on edge towards men. To the point where I was getting strong flashbacks of his face hovering over me & feeling a sense of being trapped. I was hanging out with a close lover, feeling scared of his presence. I would find myself randomly breaking down in tears. I know it was completely irrational, but the feelings were coming up regardless. I do trust that everything happens for a reason & that I’m never given anything I can’t handle. It’s not even close to my first rodeo...

September 9, 2021

Parted ways with Bryce. Started hitching towards Utah to start another trail! It was over a 10 hour drive from where I stealth camped. Got picked up by a Russian guy who spoke zero English, so I called my Dad to have him translate for us. Later, got a ride with a truck driver named Clint! In all of my years of hitching, I was so happy to finally get a ride with a truck driver. To top it off, he let me drive for a couple of minutes since I told him I never drove a truck before. I was sweating profusely. 😂 Earlier, I told Spirit it would be awesome to check out the Salt Flats in Utah since...

September 6, 2021

One of my favorite things about Bryce was that he didn’t comply with government mandates. We were always on the same page when we went grocery shopping or out to eat. If a business told us to put a mask on, we just said no thank you, or we simply wouldn’t support the business & go elsewhere. We only had one instance at Comfort Inn where a lady refused to give us the room key if Bryce didn’t put on a mask. He didn’t argue, he simply canceled his payment & said he would find another hotel that would take his money. She said we wouldn’t find any place that would offer us a room. We drove a...

September 5, 2021

This morning, we woke up at 3am to begin hiking because we had to make sure we passed through the specific zones at low tide otherwise Google told us we would die. Nothing like a little fear to get us going in the morning. 😂 I asked Spirit to bring me a dead starfish so I could bring it back to my mom/coworkers in Chicago. Within 30 seconds, I spotted one on the beach & from that moment on, the most cute little starfish were appearing on my path. We also found what we named ocean trees, sea pinecones, sea slugs, & sea potatoes. So, then came the moment we had to trek the “impassable...

September 3, 2021 (Part 2)

This is a bit difficult to write but I almost got raped today. I am not trying to victimize, I am aware that I was very much a part of this. I talked often about how I wanted to roleplay such things & the Universe said yes to my desires, as it does. I want to be clear that when I fantasize about these scenarios that there still needs to be consent. There needs to be communication BEFORE getting into character. I was expecting a ride a couple of hours down the road. I just finished the OCT & planned to meet up with Bryce. About 10 minutes into the drive, the energy changed drastically & I...

September 3, 2021

~Growth on this trip~ Day 17 (Brookings to Cali Border): I officially completed the OCT!! 🎉🎊 Once we made it to the Cali border, we hitched in opposite directions. Quadz was heading north to go do the CT. I was heading south to meet up with Bryce to do the LCT. I made it to Trinidad & saw a cute guy at the forest preserve. I approached him & asked if he was from the area & if he could recommend a place for me to camp. He had an accent so I asked where he was from & turns out he was Lithuanian. We were both mind blown as that was both our first experience meeting another Lithuanian...

September 2, 2021

Day 16 (Secret Beach to Brookings): We made it to Brookings (only about 7 miles from the Cali border). We were going to slack-pack to the border but decided to get a room instead. We went to a mexican restaurant & I FaceTimed my mom because I needed her to ship out a shirt that I bought online. I told her it was from Poshmark & she grabbed a different package & I told her not to open it & she goes, “I’m going to open it.” She opened it & it was a crop top that said, “No alcohol for me, only drugs. Thanks.” My face turned so red. 😂 We went to get Ben & Jerry’s ice cream & microwaveable...

September 1, 2021

Day 15 (Gold Beach to Secret Beach): I love the vulnerability I experience when a man’s fingers are deep inside of me. I feel as though I am at his mercy. He has full control of me. I lose sense of trying to get my way… trying to tease him. I am no longer torturing his mind, he’s now torturing mine… uncontrollably begging & pleading for him to hand me back my sanity. (inspired by my morning with Quadz 🥰) Met a guy named Jesse who was parked on a gravel patch pull-out. He looked like he was looking for something on the ground so I asked if he lost something & he goes, “No, I’m just looking...

August 31, 2021

Day 14 (Humbug State Park to Gold Beach): Quadz & I got dropped off at Humbug State Park & I snapped a photo of him brushing his teeth in the parking lot. We laughed our asses off at the way other people must perceive us. Just prior to this we talked about how our family members are becoming millionaires, getting married, having kids & we are out here walking hundreds of miles for fun, living in the middle of the wilderness & smelling like sweat/dirt at the end of the day. Wouldn’t trade it for the world. We walked most of the day & took a small break at the Nesika Beach Market. We wanted...

August 30, 2021

Day 13 (Devil’s Kitchen to The Salty Dawg in Port Orford): Today’s beach walk brought up so much frustration in me. The sand was sloped & we walked a good 16 miles on it. I cannot describe the pain & difficulty of walking on nearly dry sand with a 40 pound pack. 😱 We got off the beach at the nearest exit to road walk instead. 10 miles later we met up at ‘The Salty Dawg’ & a lovely girl named Altaira approached me & asked if I was hiking the OCT. She told me her & her dad do trail work on the southern portion just for fun! She was in her 30’s & I found her to be such a badass. She had so...

August 29, 2021

Day 12 (Coos Bay to Devil’s Kitchen): Quadz caught up with me as I was eating my poppyseed muffins. We talked about how awesome it would be to get a burger. The next town was 15 miles away; we already walked around 10 miles & were feeling pau. A car started driving by & I jokingly stuck my thumb out to hitch a ride & they actually stopped so we said fuck it. 😂 They drove us approximately 4 miles to get to the beach. It wasn’t that much fun of a beach walk due to the strong winds & cold weather. Near the end of the day, a couple of cute boys saw me walking down HWY 101 & asked if I needed...

August 28, 2021

Day 11 (Umpqua Lighthouse State Park to Coos Bay): We woke up to a bunch of birds simultaneously shitting on our tent. Started my trek & called my mom. She told me it was unacceptable that I didn’t call her to let her know I was alive. 😂 I told her I was still walking to Cali & that I planned on exploring the redwoods afterwards. She goes, “& THEN you’re coming home??” It makes me smile so much because she finds it too hippy dippy to just say that she misses me. There were at least 20 dudes on their dirt-bikes the stopped near the shoreline. I walked right past them, smirked & waved...

August 27, 2021

Day 10 (Sand Dunes Rd to Umpqua Lighthouse State Park): Met a guy on the beach who stopped to ask me where I was hiking to. I told him California. We chit chatted for a bit & then I told him I was going to keep walking since I had 14+ miles of beach walking left. 10 seconds into my walk he yelled, “Hey! I did some thinking about what you’re doing right now & I just wanted to say you’re fucking crazy! Did you know you’re crazy?” 😂 He offered to buy me a drink once I got to the next town & I said, “I don’t really drink, but I’ll take a burger!” So we agreed that he would drink gin while I...

August 26, 2021

Day 9 (Neptune State Scenic Viewpoint to Sand Dunes Rd): I felt I was in Heaven today as I walked through the forest beside the coast… an experience of witnessing two different worlds merging together. 🌲🌊 I was road walking for at least 10 miles when this woman stopped in the middle of the HWY & asked if I was hiking the Oregon Coast & I said yeah & she said, “Get in the car!!” So I hopped in the backseat with my entire bag because we were in the middle of 101. I started laughing at the momentary panic of the situation & I go, “You are so sweet, but I don’t want to skip miles!” & she...

August 25, 2021

Day 8 (Subway in Waldport to Neptune State Scenic Viewpoint): Holly dropped me off at Subway & I started my trek. I stopped to journal for a few minutes by the beach & she came up behind me to surprise me & give me a kiss. What a sweetheart. I called Hope Johnson & talked to her for a while. Just feeling her presence over the phone immediately brought a sense of calmness into my being & I felt as though everything was okay. It is so easy to be honest with her & not bullshit about what is really going on in my mind. I strive to be that way with everyone. I could honestly just listen to her...

August 23-24, 2021

My friend Shenanigans picked Quadzilla & I up to join him for his adventure to Umpqua Hot Springs (one of my faves). We road-tripped through the windy forest roads & I couldn’t even recognize the area due to the forest fires. Pele taught me a lot about impermanence. She helped me understand how exploring the world is something to cherish because I never know when something will disappear. We went soaking for several hours & the entire time we talked about conspiracy theories. It’s so funny because every single time I go there I do the same exact thing & I freaking love it. 😂Afterwards,...

August 23, 2021

Here I was, soaking in the hot springs with a super beautiful man… his hands sensually massaging my body. I closed my eyes & thought to myself “is this all there is?” I’ve went through so many men in my life… this was a dream of mine since I was a girl… to receive this sort of pampered attention… & for a moment, only a split moment, I realized it was all meaningless. But that moment was enough & it was everything. The patterns end when there is awareness brought to them. The rest is just remnants playing out.

August 22, 2021

Overall, PCT days has been incredible. It felt so awesome & liberating to be with my tribe. Everyone is so unique & I hold each one so close to my heart. The hiking community reminds me so much of my community in Hawaii. It seems most everyone here comes with a story & brings it to the trail to “walk it off”. It is true beauty to watch the way a person changes before your eyes as they grow into a better version of themselves. I walked The Bridge of the Gods with Quadzilla before I got picked up by Paul. It is a ritual every time I visit this area. I reminisce the way it felt leaving...

August 21, 2021

I ran into my friend Prodigy & reconnected with him. I met him on the PCT in ‘19 & he did a shakedown for me (I was carrying around 15 pounds of pinecones 😅). He got me an AWESOME custom pee rag made by Kula Cloth with a picture of me when we first met. I got the signature Cascade Locks swirly ice cream cone with Ethan. I met a woman in line who didn’t believe in the covid narrative & we vibed hard. Ended up drinking White Claws for the day since someone brought some coolers full of it ALONG WITH Voodoo Doughnuts!!!! I was stoked. I got to have my favorite doughnut (maple bacon) which was...

August 20, 2021

I got a ride close to Portland from someone who knew me from Instagram. I hitched the rest of the way to get to Cascade Locks to celebrate PCT Days. I got a ride by 2 different construction guy workers who were painters. One was named Joe, the other Antonio. He talked to me about the cartel & the corruption in Mexico. I got to Cascade Locks & started to cry from happiness. The first thing I saw was a thru-hiker, followed by HUNDREDS more. I felt so at home & with my tribe. So far on the OCT, I only saw one thru-hiker so this felt like a gift. Then, I saw a super hott guy that reminded me...

August 19, 2021

Day 7 (Devil’s Punch Bowl to the Subway in Waldport): My friend Goose who I met on the CT momentarily joined me for some road walking. We starting making around about 7 minutes into seeing each other & he told me my kisses were too wet so I told him it probably wasn’t going to work out. We had some fruit compote crepes in Newport & parted ways. ❤️ There was a lot of beach walking today which I was super stoked about. I asked Spirit for a shower since it’s been 6 days. My friend Tiki set me up with a woman who offered me her open apartment to stay in for the night & take a shower. She had...

August 18, 2021

Day 6 (Lincoln City to Devil’s Punch Bowl): I got breakfast with the biker guys. Jamie drove me to the coast to continue my trek. It was what felt like a never ending road walk today. Beautiful & gentle elevation gains but man, it is hard on your feet compared to soft dirt. I let out a scream/groan a couple times which released some tension. I ended up stopping at a market to buy a tub of ice cream so I ate that as I walked HWY 101. I felt like a badass. I saw a street called “Tillicum”. That made me smile for quite some time. I also have been seeing way more trail markers! A few people...

August 17, 2021

Day 5 (Sand Lake Recreation Area to Lincoln City) This morning I had a road walk detour. As I was walking, I experienced sadness. No particular reason whatsoever. Nothing in the world justifies the way I feel, it is simply because I momentarily feel I have separated myself from the Creator (which of course isn’t true, it’s only a misperception). The feelings pass by with a lot more ease when I just give them space to, rather than going into story mode (which distracts me from being present). People in Oregon are one of the kindest people I have ever met. People just walk up to me & ask if...

August 16, 2021

Day 4 (Manhattan Beach to Sand Lake Recreation Area): I found a lay in a free box during my road walk. I will wear it till the end of my trek. 🌸 I had to cross Tillamook Bay with a Ferry (which apparently was non-existent). So the alternate route was a road walk. I’m so cute because I always assume I’ll be able to cross it if the “tide is low”. It appears so small on the map & then I see it in person & I’m like holy fuck no. I merged onto the Octopus Tree Trail momentarily which I adored! The trail itself felt like a tentacle; groovy & windy. 🐙 I was supposed to do the Cape Meares Trail,...

August 15, 2021

Day 3 (Cannon Beach to Manhattan Beach): Matt made me some bacon & eggs with toast to get me started for my trek this morning. So far this trail is has been at the top with the PCT for me. It’s funny because I’m not into water much at all. I’m more of a mystical forest kinda gal, but somehow the Oregon Coast has my heart. It has it all: forest, ocean, endless roads. I have never seen anything like it. The way that the ocean meets the clouds, it’s as though it is merging with Heaven. The clouds would even form what looked like waves making it seem as though I was walking through a surreal...

August 14, 2021

Sunset Beach to Cannon Beach Today, I was convinced this trail didn’t exist due to its lack of trail markers. But as soon as I noticed that, I saw one! It’s not that popular of a trail yet. I am often looking at my map & asking people for directions. So far, everyone has been super helpful! As long as you’re kind of close to the coast, you’re on the right track. 😂 It has been pretty rainy/misty, similar to Washington. I was at Ecola State Park & decided it would be a good idea to start looking for a campsite since the rain started to pick up. A man walking in front of me seemed...

August 13, 2021

Fort Stevens to Sunset BeachNever underestimate walking on sand. The first 2 miles I was all “I got this”, & around mile 4 it turned into “Holy fuck I need to take a break every 20 minutes”. Views have been incredible, people have been kind. This is a completely different landscape from what I have experienced compared to past hikes. It is not that popular of a trail yet, so there isn’t an actual map on an app where I can look up water sources & campsites. It’s more of an “if you’re near the coast, you’re going the right way” kinda deal. I actually really enjoy not knowing where...

August 12, 2021

Paul lured me in with steaks & mac n cheese to get me to spend another night. He knows a hiker’s weakness. 😂 I started my moon & he has been taking care of me with cookies, pastries, ice cream, you name it. He donated me his bear canister & a bunch of mountain houses for my upcoming hikes. 😱 The amount of gratitude I have for this man is off the charts! I took an hour in the middle of the day to call a lover. I laid on my back in the middle of a sidewalk, staring up at the trees & listened to his voice merged with the rush of cars in the background. I felt so at peace & giddy with...

August 11, 2021

I got dropped off by Mushroom Man & began hitching to Portland. There were a few cars that stopped to give me a ride, but I made a pact with myself to deny offers if the energy felt weird. About 3-4 cars stopped & within a second of opening the car door I knew it wasn’t meant for me. People often ask me how I know if the energy is off. For me, it is something I experience in less than a second. An instinct. A moment when we lock eyes & I just know. I thanked each one & let them know I’d prefer to keep waiting. I stood a moment longer in the heat of the day & thanked Spirit for providing...

August 10, 2021 (Part 2)

I set a thought out into the Universe before I left Chicago about how all I wanted to do was runaway & hitch to Nevada City just to go to Ecstatic Dance. Today, my vision came true. Mushroom Man (my friend from the Big Island) messaged me & asked if I wanted to meet up with him in Nevada City to go to E-Dance (only a two hour hitch away). I was speechless. It is amazing how Spirit always has Divine Timing. I mean, it was a Tuesday… 😂 E-Dance saved my life many times. It has helped me let go of burdens & weights I’ve held in my heart. It has brought me to break walls & blockages that I...

August 10, 2021

I got a hitch to Grass Valley by a guy named Brian (looked like an exact replica of Jason Bateman). He bought me my favorite coffee from Dutch Bros; actually it was a tie between @whitesheepop. He invited me to his place to cook me some turkey burgers; might just go. 😋 I got dropped off at BriarPatch Co-op which has huge sentimental meaning to me. This guy brought me here a few years back & had me try one of their vegan burgers. We were road tripping in a U-Haul together & he was the one that got me super into shibari. The next time I came here was with a guy I was trimming weed with in...

August 9, 2021

My backpacking adventures have been slowly turning into an erotic sex novel. Which, honestly is fine. Sexual relating is a big part of my life & I own it, however I am desiring to follow Spirit guidance 100% of the time. I don’t want to have sex with men just out of boredom or for the writing of my book. I broke up a relationship. It’s not even close to the first time I’ve apparently done this. I experience this sadistic habit of going for guys who are taken/unavailable. At the same time, I feel as though I attract the relationships that are already weak, I’m just the thing that happens...

August 6, 2021

Big Meadow to Dick’s Pass: Today, there was so much smoke that I could barely see anything. I really enjoyed it, though. I didn’t experience many issues other than a little bit of congestion & a slight watering in the eyes. In fact, I found it surreal. It smelled like a campfire all day. My friend John once shared with me a perception of wildfires being a giant sage-ing for the world. That has stuck with me since. ❤️ I reconnected on the PCT today which brought up some very nostalgic memories. It’s funny because there were only a few moments where I recognized the trail. I DEFINITELY...

August 5, 2021

Boulder to Big MeadowI hit the 100 mile mark of the TRT! 🎉 🎊 🥳 Today, I experienced a lot of gratitude for the strong winds, otherwise it would’ve been quite torturous hiking uphill most of the day. 😅  The mountain bikers on this trail have also been especially friendly. They actually get off their bikes to get out of the way so that the hikers could pass by. ❤️ My favorite spot was Star Lake. I will definitely coming back to spend the weekend here with some friends! I remember my mom once said, “Who needs diamonds when you can have the glistening of the lakes?” ✨ ...

August 4, 2021

Marlette Lake Campground to the BoulderToday, I was expecting to continue my 45 mile stretch with no water, but then was happily surprised to be met with several gallons of water at the Spooner Trailhead. From there it was a 16 mile stretch with no water. Regardless, I decided to hitchhike into Carson City because I could not stop fantasizing about tacos & cookies. The craving was unreal. I got an easy hitch there & maxed out at Del Taco & shortly after went over to Walmart to buy a good 15 pounds of cookies. I got more excited than getting free drugs at a festival. It is...

August 3, 2021

Mt Rose Wilderness Boundary to Marlette LakeMy friends & family thought today was the day to send me pictures of food from home. Torturous, to say the least. My mom told me to come home so she could make me a special meal. I know that’s her way of saying she misses me. Heart-warming. ❤️ 🥰 A bird took a taste of my chewy bar as I was on a break. He was too adorable so I decided to keep sharing. ☺️ I camped out with a few hikers at Marlette Lake Campground. I find it awesome how you can enjoy a whole day of solitude, yet when you stop moving, everyone shows up. It was luxurious to eat...

July 31, 2021

Met a guy at the park named Davion; went to explore Mount Charleston & some caves before going to Tahoe. 🏔 I told him I liked his confidence, he said “you gotta pursue the things you want, otherwise you’ll never get it.” What really happened: I intuitively felt some killer vibes coming up, but nothing too strong. He took me up to the mountain & I later found out he had a gun, which he said he would use on a bear. We began kissing & then he lead me to some caves. I couldn’t tell if I was turned on or nervous because I’ve always had some weird murderer fantasy. I began blowing him in the...

July 30, 2021

Today, I experienced a variety of hitches in terrible spots. First guy who picked me up did a big turn around to come get me because he felt I had good energy (I love when people do that). He was moving to San Fran. We had a language barrier, however his son was sweet enough to translate. Next hitch, the guy drove me several miles out of his way so I would be out of town. He said I’d never get a ride where I was standing. Third guy was a biker. He showed me “boobie mountain”. He dropped me off by a casino & told me I’d have good luck since all the truck drivers were there. One of the guys...

July 29, 2021

I hitched a ride to Arizona this morning. I waited somewhere around 10 minutes when I got picked up by a guy in a van. I leaned inside his window as he asked where I was going & I said “Flagstaff!” I became BEST friends with him. His name was Aaron. He was on his way to visit his sons & we talked one another’s ears off about UFO’s, covid being a hoax, relationships, traveling, past-life regressions, EVERYTHING. We wore our hearts on our sleeves & connected mind to mind in a way he said he hasn’t done in a long time. We listened to the Eagles as he drove me out of his way to go explore...

July 27, 2021 (Part 4)

The thru-hiking community is truly another world. I know I share my daily experiences of the trail, the hardships, the laughter, the pictures, but none of it even comes close to capturing the real life experience of the trail & the community of people that you meet. It’s like this hidden gem in the middle of the wilderness with trail angels, hiker boxes, surprise adventures & love of a different kind. With your home on your back, you will be surprised by all of the places the trail will take you & the vast changes of scenery you will see in just one day. You will be astounded by the...

July 27, 2021 (Part 3)

1,000% worth waiting for you guys. Thru-hiking is a life changing experience. You meet your soul family & it feels as though you’ve known each other for lifetimes, as though you’re reuniting with long lost family. Personal boundaries disintegrate & all that’s left is joyous & childlike play. Thank you so much for all of the laughter, the tears, the warmth you guys brought into my life. I love you guys & I am already looking forward to our reunion in Breck. 🙏🏻❤️

July 27, 2021 (Part 2)

The rest of my tramily hit the finish line!!!!! 🎉🎊🥳 It has been so beyond joyous to see all of their faces again before I hitched out. ❤️ Our day consisted of hanging at the trailhead for a couple hours, celebrating several hikers hit the finish line & gifting them with trail magic. We all went to get pizza at what I consider my favorite pizza place now (Fired Up Pizza)!! 🍕 We got vegan ice cream as dessert & we read a book about Sextrology & learned about one another’s zodiac signs. I got my pack fixed up by 3 hikers who work at REI, which btw, I almost cried from how much better my pack...

July 27, 2021

Journal entry before I flew out to Colorado: I’ve been angry inside, for several months now. I’m really good at playing it off & making jokes about myself because truthfully, I DO try to make my life into a joke so I don’t end up taking it so seriously. I’m working 3 jobs right now, 2 of them I’m extremely passionate about but there’s still this undeniable pull to be walking barefoot in the dirt, driving to a state 30 hours away just cause I felt like it, dancing in Nevada City, hanging out with hiker trash by the bonfire. Why can’t I just BE happy in no matter what state of mind I’m in?...

July 26, 2021 (Part 2)

I got a table at Carver Brewing Co. as I waited for part of my tramily to show up! They offer free beer for thru-hikers!! I asked if I could get a local root beer instead. For some reason I don’t drink when I’m traveling. I met an awesome group of people sitting across me who picked a conversation. They plan on hiking the AT next year!!! I told them I’d see them out there. ❤️ Then, I met some guys who asked about my lifestyle & were super inspired. It’s either that or people assume I’m homeless. 😂 They ended up surprising me by paying for my meal. I seriously have been getting to the...

July 26, 2021

Well today, I experienced the second panic attack of my life. 😅 I hiked with a guy named Peter who lived in Durango & he walked me to a trailhead where he suggested I do the Hogsback Trail, as did other people. People out here made it sound like a casual day hike so I went for it. Helllllll fuuuucking noooo. I was about 100 feet from the top (which was a straight shot up). I got rid of my trekking poles & started grabbing onto bushes & rocks, which were barely holding into the dirt. I was shaking & I went into a panic attack. I haven’t experienced that in years. I was going to turn around...

July 25, 2021 (Part 2) My days in the Weminuche Wilderness… 👣🏔🌲

Hiked from the Vallecito Creek Trailhead up to the Nebo Creek junction where I connected to the CDT momentarily. Hiked up to the pinnacles & back down to the Flint Creek Trail which let to the Pine River Trail. 👣 The past few days gave me a completely different outlook on section-hiking. It was extremely fun for me to use a paper map & to just explore the trails that were in the area.

July 25, 2021

Today I came back from the Weminuche forest area & road walked for a couple of miles. I got picked up by a sweet older man named William who was on his way to church. He had a passion for horseback riding & says he chose to live in Durango because he was always drawn to the mountains & appreciated the way they humbled him. His son David also hiked the PCT a few years back. 👣🏔 I hung out in town for several hours & journaled/called friends back home. I also wanted to check to see how far my tramily was from the finish line since I still plan to see their beautiful faces. Worth the wait. ❤️...

July 24, 2021 Weminuche Wilderness

I woke up to the wolves howling; sounded no more than a mile away. Opened up my tent to see a bright full moon. Reminded me of Hawaii. 🌋🌕 I’d say the first 15 miles of the hike really tested my patience. The trail didn’t seem maintained whatsoever. The amount of bushwhacking & down trees I had to walk over & around was more than I ever experienced, approximately every 50 feet. My clothes were drenched from the first ten steps I took out of my tent. Ripped a bunch of holes in them from all the bushwacking. Slipped in mud at least 7 times (not sure how people hike without trekking poles). I...

July 23, 2021 Weminuche Wilderness

This would be the time I would go back to Chicago but I have no desire to. I decided to keep hiking since I felt called to wait for my tramily & let the fires die down a bit before I hitched to the West Coast. I got a ride to the Vallecito Creek Trail by a guy named Matt. He told his boss he was going to be late… said he used to hitchhike a lot himself & understands. Most of the car ride consisted of him telling me about every conspiracy theory you can think of. I loved it. 😂 Got to the trailhead, met a cowboy who gave me suggestions on where I could hike. I decided to do some trails in...

July 21, 2021

I will always believe in the kindness of strangers. I met a woman named Lisa back in Southpark when I was beginning the CT. Her son picked a conversation with me about my hike & they both were super inspired & offered me a place to stay when I finished. Yesterday, she met me in Durango & drove me to her home in the middle of the woods… a pine forest of 35 acres. Her son, Tucker, was the sweetest & most polite kid to be around. She told her son to never pick up hitchhikers, under no circumstances whatsoever, but she broke that rule with me. I didn’t even know how to accept everything she...

July 20, 2021 (Part 2)

It took me 500 miles to release you from my mind. It’s not often that a guy will see me truly & I only showed you a speck, but that seemed to send me into a spiral. At the start, you told me I was intimidating to you. That should have been a red flag for me. I am at a point in my life where I am sick of settling for guys that cannot handle me. My sisters have been teaching me that I need an alpha male. It is one thing to take charge of me physically & turn me on in the bedroom, but that’s not enough for me anymore. I want to take leaps of faith into one another’s mind. I want the rawness…...

July 20, 2021

I made it to the finish line early this morning!!! 🎊🎉 #500miles It’s funny, I look back to my post when I first started in Denver with the caption “CT, I’m coming for you!” Not recognizing at the time, the CT was coming for me. It’s so true that it’s ourselves we conquer, not the mountains. I would do it all again. Every step. Every thunderstorm. I would drink the cow poop water again. I would climb Fucker Hill again. All of those moments were fleeting… passing by in the blink of an eye. Mahalo CT, for a life-altering experience. It is unbelievable how much I discovered about myself in...

July 19, 2021

Segment 28: Today was my last full day on the CT. I have 5 miles left to the finish line & I don’t want the trail to end. I plan on waiting for my tramily to make it to Durango so we can celebrate & take a zero together. In the meantime I plan on doing a short 60-90 mile thru-hike. ❤️ I had a funny moment when I hit Kennebec Trailhead. I ran into a lot of day hikers/tourists & I straight up looked homeless compared to them. They would walk by me & they would smell like clean laundry. It’s interesting when you’re in the woods for so long & you come across those scents, they are actually...

July 18, 2021

Segment 25-27: I ended up starting my moon this morning which I did not plan for because I assumed the physical exertion on my body would cause it to come later but instead it came earlier. So with that being said, I decided to free-bleed. I did not vibe with it while hiking because it felt like I was just pissing down my legs. 😂 It was much easier in Hawaii when I was in my community or at the nude beach where I could just rinse myself off. I did feel pretty badass, though, because I guarantee if men were bleeding out of their d***’s they would probably call it quits. I was happy for the...

July 17, 2021

Segment 24-25: I hit the 400 mile mark!! 🎉🎊 I saw a bunch of clouds rolling in before noon & I prayed for it to not hit me (at least just this once 😅). The rest of the day I walked in some sort of sun circle where all of the thunderclouds were surrounding me, but I wasn’t getting any of the action. I was also in full celebration that I was back within the trees. 🌲❤️ I saw so many people today which actually felt super nice. Most of them were day hikers. Every other group was stopping me to congratulate me & was in awe that I was doing a thru-hike. Whereas the whole time I was wondering if...

July 16-17, 2021

Segment 22-23: Grabbed breakfast with the boys & hitched a ride back to Spring Creek Pass. Hiked with Andy & James & set up camp suuuuper early. I made them a special meal which they loved. I’ve been told it’s better than some mountain house meals. 😏 Today, I reached the high point of the CT. I was so worried about it due to having altitude issues, but it was definitely one of the easier passes. ❤️🥰 It felt like I had the San Juan’s all to myself. It was what I wanted, but I felt super emotional & really began to experience a feeling of missing my friends. My moon cycle should be starting...

July 14, 2021

I met an amazing woman at the hostel I’m staying at, named Bambi. She has been passionately telling me stories about her son hiking the CDT. She calls him her trainer because he inspired her to go out & hike the CT. I thought that was the most badass thing. I would kill for my parents to experience something like this with me rather than just assuming I’m crazy. She said, “I wanted to physically experience walking a mile in my son’s shoes so I could better understand him.” God, I think that’s HUGE. We grow by keeping an open mind & trying new things rather than staying in a place of...

July 13, 2021 (Part 2)

Met some motorists, or as they like to call themselves, adventure riders. 😏 They were super fun to talk to & told me of the days they travel 600 miles at a time just to experience the road. That little girl inside me was screaming “let me come with!!!” There have been numerous times where I went cruising with some older guy on his bike. Unforgettable moments. A rush of a different kind. My mom called me to tell me happy birthday & said “you’re 26 now, when are you going to start living a normal life & making a family?” She has asked me that same question for years now & I find myself...

July 13, 2021

(Segment 21): I celebrated my birthday by hiking 23 miles today. I told Spirit I just wanted to see the sunrise. The second I got up & turned around, it peaked over the mountain, just in time to witness the miracle as it disappeared into the clouds seconds later. 🌞 I was walking above tree line most of the day today when out of nowhere, yes out of nowhere, the biggest hail storm hit me WHILE I had several miles of ridge line walking left. At first it was chill, but VERY quickly I got completely annihilated by giant ice balls. I was thinking to myself “Goda, you like bdsm, just try to be...

July 12, 2021

(Segment 19-20): Today I did 31 miles. I have had an abundance of energy for quite some time now. I don’t know what’s been going on. No amount of sex, macrame, dancing seems to fully release it. I’ll be at mile 400 in a few days & I can’t seem to stop walking. I feel like Forest Gump. 😂 There is still exhaustion, don’t get me wrong, however my legs just want to keep on wandering. A lot of healing is occurring. I feel I am slowly walking off the pain of old beliefs, past experiences with relationships, hardships I’ve struggled with, etc. It was my first true solo day in a while. It felt...

July 11, 2021

(End of Collegiate West; Segment 15-18): Yesterday I began hiking solo again which lasted about 7 minutes before I ran into a girl named Hot Sauce. It seems the trail does not want me to hike alone. 😂 I keep running into badass people so all I can say is it’s a blessing. Hot Sauce & I hit it off right away. We had the same flow with how fast we hiked & how long we took our breaks. To top it off, we had some really insightful conversations about life. We got to know each other like sisters. We laughed, we nearly cried from the tough terrain, we immersed in the beauty of our surroundings....

July 9, 2021

(Collegiate West): Walked about 12 miles to the trailhead with pizza as my motivator. There was a road walk detour we had to take in direct sunlight & I felt as though I was going to cry from how hungry I was. 😂 We made it to the trailhead, greeted by Professor’s close friend, who so kindly gifted us with homemade banana bread, snickers, & cold water. I ate four loaves & felt as though my soul became rejuvenated. He gave us a ride back to the air b&b they were staying at & we did our laundry & all of us knocked out for a couple of hours. We drove to Moonlight Pizza (OMG 🤤). Once again, I...

July 8, 2021

(Collegiate West): “Everything in moderation except for sex & mountains.” ~Professor . . Today, Professor & I decided to stop at his friends cabin to take a shower & take a siesta during the hottest part of the day. It was hard not to get caught up in the vortex of such amazing company & hospitality. The people who own the place are building a store for hikers along with a place where they can shower & recharge. So grateful for people that take the time to do such grand gestures for thru-hikers. 🙏🏻❤️ After we hung out for a few hours, we began our trek again. Professor & I made it to the...

July 7, 2021

(Collegiate West): Today’s trek up several passes was motivated by Professor giving me kisses throughout the day… inflicting into my mind what he was daydreaming about doing to me later. The passes were tough. There were 5 of them, all just under 13,000’. I thought my lungs were going to give out. But, I am the type of hiker that takes my sweet ass time on the uphills. I am like a turtle. I am steady with my footsteps, pacing my breathing & slowing down a notch if it becomes too challenging. Lots of people think you have to be this speedy hiker, but I learned throughout the PCT that that...

July 6, 2021

(Collegiate West): Oh baby, the trail truly provides. The other day I wrote a personal journal entry about how I often fetishize the roles men play. The firefighter, police officer, bartender, chef, you name it. Then I realized it is okay to drool over these characters & that it is okay to roleplay if I don’t happen to get the real experience. I started hiking solo again & I met THE sexiest older man. God, I was drooling. I asked what his (trail) name was & he goes “Professor”. My eyes widened. I asked him if he was really a professor & he said yes, a chemistry professor. He wasn’t in the...

July 5, 2021 (Part 3)

Segment 11 (Beginning of Collegiate West) : Definitely went through a grieving process leaving my tramily behind. But, I ended up seeing them again in Twin Lakes since I had to wait for them to open the store to resupply. I can’t seem to stay away from them. 😂 The general store was awesome. They had a dog that looked JUST like the mayor of idyllwild! (Yes, they have a dog as a mayor & I got to meet him on the pct. 😏) They have hikers a discount along with free coffee. Absolutely unbelievable. It is people like you that make they-hikers inspired to keep going. We appreciate those things...

July 5, 2021 (Part 2)

With the lingering pain of my muscles working uphill & the cold rain dripping down my face, I still noticed this deep sense of happiness beneath it all. I kept thinking to myself, “I am living my fucking dream right now. I am experiencing it.” The hardest thing is just doing it sometimes. Just following the inspiration. You know what inspired me to go hiking up the mountains again? I was at the bar I was working at a couple months ago, trying to sleep with this guy I was on a date with. I was all seductive & touchy, only having one thing in mind. He, on the other hand, was more interested...

July 5, 2021

I have learned the ways of following my intuition… listening attentively to where I am feeling guided. I’ve always been good at going with the flow. It is the way that I “plan” things… doesn’t mean it’s easy every time. I parted ways with the rest of my tramily today because I feel called to amp up my miles & get into a couple more trails before summer ends. I gave Mo a hug goodbye once I finished packing my bag. I became overwhelmed with sadness. I said goodbye to Funky & I am glad she didn’t get out of her tent because the tears were beginning to form. For a good 2 miles of walking, I...

July 3-4, 2021

Segment 9-11: I cannot describe the level of excitement I experienced when I found a hidden bag of peanut m&m’s in my bag. It was a moment of true happiness… it also made sense to me why my bag weighed so much. 😂 I also now have an ass pad, thanks to Bubbly, which is a MUST for the trail. How dare I forget to pack mine. 😱 I ran into a friend that thru-hiked the PCT with me, so that was absolutely lovely! Crazy how the trail community just synchronizes again. I did a tent swap with Mo because I was sick of carrying my two person tent. It had too much weight & was only good for emergency...

July 2, 2021

Segment 8: Today, the most fun thing that happened was getting completely obliterated by a thunderstorm on a ridge line, which Funky Chicken defined better as a “hurricane”. 😅 We legit thought we were going to die, but somehow we just kept walking. Luckily it hit us when we only had .5 left to summit. On our way down, we met a bunch of CDT hikers who were smiling & laughing. They were waiting an hour under a tarp until the storm passed. I love seeing people still keeping such a light heart after an intense experience like that… being able to laugh about the struggle. I consider that true...

July 1, 2021 (Part 2)

I have been loving being alone with my thoughts in complete silence. Genuinely. It’s fun to see how much nonsense is being spoken in my mind when I take the time to be still. At the same time, in the stillness, I’ve been getting so many insights about what is important to me, what kind of relationships I desire to have in my life, the places where I want to spend my time, the things I want to learn. I can feel how much of an impact I receive when I am alone in the woods. It seems everything just comes together in my mind. This trail feels like a new experience, of course it is… but the...

July 1, 2021

Segment 7: Mo, Funky, Glitter Bug & I slackpacked up to a summit of 12,489’. My legs began to tingle & I found it pretty hard to breathe. We got there just in time for Glitter Bug & I to take our tops off for a picture. I am so surprised I have never done that on the PCT. Very unlike me. 😂 We got hit by a giant hail storm while still having to do around 6 miles. I remember smiling a lot. My perception of being in the rain has shifted tremendously. I learned to love being wet for it helps me appreciate the sun so much more. I also love the scent the earth gives off after a fresh rainstorm....

June 30, 2021 (Part 2)

Tonight, I experienced a deep cry. In the middle of writing, I had a big trigger come up having to do with a boy. I could not find the words to write anymore & the tension just kept building so I let myself feel it out. After all, that is what the trail has taught me. I asked Bubbalicious if she could come into my bunk because I felt like I needed a hug. She happily hopped right in & I nuzzled into her & let it all out. I find it hard to open up sometimes. It’s almost as though I’m embarrassed about feeling upset about these particular things. I told her about the confusion I’ve been...

June 30, 2021

This tramily has been a God-sent, I swear. It’s amazing how we have known each other less than a week & from day one it has been obvious that they have been family. This morning in Breck, we stood in line for an hour to get crepes (worth it). Then, we went shopping for gear/clothing to prepare for thunderstorms in the mountains. I even bought myself the perfect hiker dress!! We went to the post office to send ourselves packages & then resupplied at the grocery store. Mo decided to surprise us with some beyond awesome trail magic: a free pass at a resort that he partially owns!!! We soaked...

June 28, 2021 (Part 2)

I feel more lost in Illinois compared to when I am on the trail. If you talk to other travelers/backpackers, it is a very shared feeling. On trail, there’s only the trail. There’s not much to think about… all you have is your home on your back & the trail in front of you. Very often people think I’m a nut job for doing this sort of stuff, but to me, it feels like the most sane thing one can do. Anybody can take one step at a time, day by day. I am a huge advocate for backpacking because it teaches you how to still your mind & bring back the simple things in life. The smell of a blooming...

June 28, 2021

Segment 6: Mo, Bubbalicious, Fur, Funky Chicken, & Big Red reunited!!! 😍 I hitched a ride to Kenosha, walked 3 miles & found them as they were packing up! I cannot explain the amount of excitement I experienced when I saw my tramily. I gave them all hugs & snacks from town & we began our trek. 🥰 I felt as though I took laughing gas today or maybe I was high from the altitude. I could NOT stop laughing for the life of me. I felt joy that I have not experienced in a long long time. It felt so clear to me that you can laugh through your apparent misery & the pain you find yourself...

June 27, 2021

End of segment 5: Today I started hiking around 5:45am to make it into town & get my laundry done. I honestly wanted to do it in Breck, but I only had one pair of dry socks sooo it was time. I thought I’d get back on trail but then I looked at the weather & it said thunderstorms the next 10 days. So, I decided to grab a room in a super sweet family owned hotel & dry off. A couple of women saw me hiking & were fascinated that I was a thru-hiker & asked to take a picture with me. They ended up driving me to FairPlay & were so much fun to talk to the whole way there. My favorite part was...

June 26, 2021

Segment 4-5: Today my days consisted of “What. The. Fuck.” Over & over again. I woke up with my tramily, we were all soaked. Our tents, shoes, bags, luckily are sleeping bags were only damp. I decided to hike without them today, because I was cold & wet & needed to warm up. I honestly didn’t even plan on hiking since it rained all night & I thought to myself there would be no chance of me hiking if it continues to rain because then my sleeping bag will most definitely get wet. I took my chances. I woke up to my first “wtf” by climbing up a hill that resembled the climbs I did in...

June 25, 2021

Colorado Trail

Segment 3-4: Completely annihilated by Mother Nature today. 😅 I walked into another thunderstorm, which turned into a hailstorm, which completely flooded our path. We were walking uphill for what felt like ages & the water was just streaming through our shoes. Oh goodness. I did have a thought, though… about how I would still choose days like this over being at an office in front of a computer working 9-5. In these experiences when I am cold, wet, hungry, & bleeding all at the same time, it reminds me of the strength I hold. It reminds me that it is all in my mind & that I have the power...

June 24, 2021

Segment 2: Today I accidentally walked 19 miles. I planned to only make it a 10-12 mile day to ease myself in, but as I know, things never go as planned. 😅 There wasn’t going to be a water source for quite some time so everyone was trying to make it to the fire station. The firefighters offer water for the hikers (thank you so much). On my way there, I walked directly into a thunderstorm which I kind of had no choice about. There were no campsites around even if I wanted to set up. 😂 I was smiling through it all, though. It felt so refreshing & it rained in the perfect section (exposed...

June 23, 2021

Segment 1: My first day hiking was so beyond eventful. I felt as though I wanted to capture every step, every scent, every moment. Airplane mode all day; completely alone with my thoughts. Oh my god, it felt sooooo fucking good to be alone. I don’t remember the last time I experienced such stillness… probably on the PCT. I was greeted by so many wild animals & insects. Reptiles, birds. Music all around me. I walked along side a creek for 6.2 miles as a few mountain bikers rode past me. Fishermen catching fish, day hikers. Everyone was so kind. I was so excited when I saw another...

December 28, 2019

Ever since I came back from the PCT, I’ve been reminiscing about walking 2,650 miles all over again. 👣🏕 I find it interesting how all of those hardships & near death experiences I apparently experienced are now just funny memories. I feel motivated to go southbound this time because the desert was one of my favorite experiences. 🌾 I also feel inspired to take at least 2-3 years to hike the trail rather than a span of 5 months. I didn’t enjoy how rushed it all felt & it seemed like I didn’t soak in the people & scenery as much because I felt on a tight schedule. This time around, I feel...

September 24, 2019

April 24th - September 24th 💫 I walked from Mexico to Canada - 2,653 miles... feels surreal... doesn’t feel as though I “did” anything; seemed as if this whole experience simply moved through me like a vessel. Walking this trail was one huge lesson about living in the moment. I got to meet THE most amazing people... I felt like I was a part of this wild, soul-searching, nature-loving family... Would I do it again? Yes, however, now that I know more about what it’s like, I would do it completely differently. For one, I wouldn’t let my ego guide me. I would want to be fully immersed in the...

September 23, 2019 (Part 2)

I am so grateful that we can practice making love consciously & when we’re away from one another, that we can practice tantric masturbation... it doesn’t even feel right using the word “practice” because it feels so natural with you... as if we’re just in this state of flow... thank you for showing me that this is possible to have. I am so in love with the idea that we are always creating & merging, becoming new again. I love seeing the unfoldment happen... when I feel myself growing more emotionally connected to your mind, I find myself becoming more vulnerable & aroused when we’re...

September 23, 2019

Last month when I hitched to Ashland, I went to have breakfast immediately & sat outside & this woman decided to sit at the table next to me. We began to talk & I could tell the vibe we had together was complete heart energy! We began talking about our lives & I found out she also lived in Hawaii & that just brought me so much joy. I felt like I was tapping back into that aloha energy. So we ate together & she surprised me by paying for my meal. :’) She even offered me a shower at her place & drove me to the post office to grab my resupply! She had to leave for work overnight so gave me...

September 17, 2019

I’ve been taking a few days off trail & am spending it staying at my dad’s employee’s house. He’s a very fun character & has made me feel very at home. Yesterday night, we had the place to ourselves. We shared dinner & he began to ask about my family life. It felt very comfortable to communicate with an open heart. I found myself opening up about a lot of personal stuff & I saw the places where I was still hurting about the way my parent’s marriage turned out & how much it appeared to impact the perceptions of my relationships. He seemed to be very receptive & asked questions about how my...

September 16, 2019

I was about 18 years old & ALREADY for years I had grown this idea in my mind that I need to be “this girl” to be loved by men. I felt I needed to reveal my body in order to receive love & affection. I felt like that belief was justified when I saw that the hat read “show me your tits”. It’s like I have this switch in my mind that says “oh, if one guy thinks like this, they all do...” & I just began to lose my Self even more along the way. I began to associate self-worth with having to show more skin or to have sex with random guys because “that’s what all men want”. I was even raised...

September 15, 2019

Some eye-opening things I experienced after deciding to not be vegan anymore: -After preaching something for so long, I eventually came to the realization that it’s only a “belief”. I realized that it’s silly to act as if I “know” something as if it’s true... in reality we don’t really “know” anything, & truly experiencing that realization was really humbling. -I didn’t like who I became (in my own experience). I found myself disgusted by anyone who sat next to me & ate meat, I would lecture my family, I even told my best friend of several years that I no longer wanted to be friends with...

September 11, 2019

Often times when I meet guys who know me from Instagram, I get this perception that they see me as a very sexual girl who will want to hook up with them. I get pretty triggered cause I find myself wanting to inspire people & have them see the innocence/art when I post nude pictures. Sometimes, I even find myself using a nude photo just to capture peoples attention so they could take in the words of the caption... but I find I’m not so interested in doing that anymore... why do I feel like I have to “get” peoples attention through being naked? Why can’t we be JUST as captivated by a photo...

September 10, 2019

Man, I have been feeling so frustrated... 😪 I’m pretty upset with the way Washington turned out for me. The last section I just did felt completely worthless. Lots of people have been hyping up Washington & that “the views just get better & better”, & yet somehow, each time I decided to start hiking, it just rained. It rained for 5 days in a row & I couldn’t see more than 10 feet in front of me due to clouds... In a way, I’m pretty used to it cause that’s all I’ve gotten out of Washington. The only time I had views was in Goat Rocks Wilderness. I just think it is one of the worst feelings...

September 5, 2019 (Part 3)

A guy named Ed who picked me up hitchhiking last week offered to buy me a meal at the next town that I’d be passing. So he met me at Snoqualmie & drove me an hour & a half away to his town. We got to his place & he said he wanted to give me a ride on his Harley. The moment I got on it & felt the wind, I got brought back to the way I felt in Hawaii. Taking cruises along the road & enjoying what was in front of me. ❤️ He bought me a delicious greasy burger with a tall stack of onion rings. We cruised in his car for a couple hours & I felt the warm air upon my face & all I could think about...

September 5, 2019 (Part 2)

Washington has been the ultimate challenge mentally. I had a 5 day hike from White Pass to Snoqualmie. I found myself taking my time in the beginning; taking breaks & camping early, yet I still found myself mentally exhausted. Yesterday, I had a breakdown coming down the mountain. I cried for over 2 hours... snot, tears, & sweat flowing. The trail in Washington has an INSANE amount of elevation gain & loss. By the time you make it to the top, you’ll be drenched in sweat, your calves with be throbbing, & you can expect that you’ll be going straight back down, experiencing some intense shin...

September 5, 2019

Yesterday, I got picked up by a trail angel named Raymond. He offered to bring me to his house & cook me up some homemade burgers & peanut butter cookies cause he wanted to help motivate me to keep walking to Canada. I cannot even describe how delicious these burgers were. 😱 I even got TWO. The cookies his wife made MELTED in my mouth & she gave me a giant ziploc baggie of them so I could take them along on the trail with me. They got devoured before I even got on trail. 😅 He even let me shower & do laundry - one of a hiker’s favorite tasks to do before getting back into the wilderness!...

August 31, 2019 (Part 4)

As I walked upon the sight of snow, all I felt was an energy of annoyance & frustration. I experienced walking through enough snow in the Sierras & it killed me inside to simply have it in my sight, let alone walk through another patch. Yet, interestingly enough, the second I took the first step onto the snow since central California, all I experienced was a deep sensation of nostalgia. I quickly felt an energy of gratitude & began to reminisce about all of the unforgettable moments in the Sierras. It’s fascinating how it seems we only remember the “good times” & romanticize the “bad...

August 31, 2019 (Part 3)

Tonight, I am laying in my tent, with a smile on my face. I feel so much more calm & at ease after taking advice from my friends & the hiker community. I slowed down significantly. I began doing 25 miles a day, rather than 35. I now honor what my body is telling me. If I feel called to take a break, I’ll stay for an hour & massage my feet & legs & won’t let myself follow thoughts that try to convince me I’m not doing enough. I skipped around 200 miles. I plan on reaching the border around the 15th & will make my way southbound to complete the miles I skipped. It’s important to me to...

August 31, 2019 (Part 2)

I feel as though I’ve been in a vortex of “receiving” in this small town. I got a ride with a guy who offered to buy me any amount of food I desired. He even said he’d pick me up at the next town & feed me just to keep my belly full for a couple of days! We ate together & I felt grateful sharing stories & experiencing the kindness of strangers. He even gifted me around 10 big gatorade bottles! 🙏🏻 ❤️ I hung out at the cafe for a few hours & got to meet more people who asked a string of questions about my journey. I never fail to get excited to share! 🥰 One of the women I talked to even...

August 31, 2019

I was outside brushing my hair & an older man drove by on a motorcycle & stopped directly in front of me. The first thing I noticed were all of his feathers displayed on his backseat. I commented on how lovely they were & he told me how they were owl feathers that he gathered from an owl that was hit by a car & left on the side of the road. He mentioned how he’s seen signs of owls several times now in the last week & I told him he should look up what it meant. He goes “I DID. It means CHANGE or DEATH. The last time I saw an owl several times I got a divorce.” He walked off & I was left...

August 27, 2019

Endless walking, traveling on foot no longer being motivated by Spirit. 👣  Questions arising out of fear... Will I be able to feed myself today? Will I have enough strength to walk up these mountains? Am I protected? 💫 🏔  Fear of the unknown begins to dissipate as I inhale the scents emanating from the aina. 🌲 Pine trees firmly rooted in soil... I am called to rest my head upon the roots of these divine beings & be reminded of my strength... tapping into my heart, surrendering to my breath, moments that require pure stillness to be able to quiet my mind. 🌱 Planting my toes into the...

August 20, 2019 (Part 2)

I came to the village feeling completely defeated by the trail. Tears in my eyes, voice shaking. I took my pack off & let out a sigh, aware of the fact I still had another 11 miles to go. An elderly man approached me & said, “Are you a thru hiker? Let me buy you an ice cream & whatever else you want.” He saw the look on my face, a mixture of disbelief & gratitude, & all he said after was “I understand. ❤️” (He even treated the other hikers that were there.) My tummy felt so happy to have a full meal along with dessert & I felt an immense amount of gratefulness that it was just given to...

August 20, 2019

So I got to the Rim Village in Crater Lake. It’s a fancy place for tourists. I walked straight up a mountain in the heat of the day just to get to the parking lot. Once I got there, the cars driving in let me pass through cause I looked like death, completely soaked in sweat & basically gasping for air. I made it up to the village cafe, covered in dirt & smelling Iike a pit toilet. I cried to myself, feeling completely exhuasted & done with life. When I went inside people looked at me as if I was homeless & stood far away from me, giving me dirty looks. To give the...

August 14, 2019

Thru-hiking is NOT what I expected it to be. I met an older man yesterday, who was sitting on the trail, gazing at the scenery, speaking of its tranquility. We talked a bit & he said how he lives in the mountains & chooses to walk only 7 miles a day. He finds a campsite far off trail & soaks himself into the surroundings. Another thru-hiker & I laughed, WISHING we could be immersing ourselves like that. I mean, we can, but what I’ve learned on the PCT is that it’s very time sensitive. You have to be from point A to point B by a certain time “or else” the weather conditions could possibly...

August 11, 2019 (Part 2)

The past couple days on the trail felt like I was being tested hard. I made the expectation that I would cruise through these couple of days due to the elevation being very light & the terrain being mostly smooth. Of course, those 2 days I was hit with a hail/thunderstorm. I was soaking wet & cold. I was also aware of the fact I had to start hiking at 4am each day to make it to Oregon on time. I was wondering why I am even doing this. I was contemplating quitting or at least skipping several miles. I felt at my lowest on the trail. I was crying as I was walking & felt defeated physically...

August 11, 2019

I’ve been reminiscing about these really simple times that seem out of reach at the moment. This was my love & I when we first met & were still reluctant to openly admit we have been crushing HARD on one another. This is now our favorite breakfast restaurant to eat at every Sunday morning after church... NOW, I have to hike 100 miles before I can even reach a town. Then, I have to hitchhike to get into the actual town, & from THERE, I can walk to a restaurant. Sooo much gratitude for having a car back in Chicago, & sooo much gratitude for having our cute little traditions. I always feel...

August 7, 2019

Wouldn’t change a thing about the blisters, the pain, & being constantly dirty & smelly. My sense of appreciation feels like it has been lifted, by the simple moments such as coming to my campsite & laying on my air mattress. Realizing I’ve been carrying a 50 pound pack on my shoulders every day for over 3 months helps me sink into gratitude for having feet to walk, delicious hot ramen to eat at the end of the night, & a journal to express all the thoughts that have been arising. I can see how this journey has made me tougher in the sense of witnessing that it is possible to have a...

July 27, 2019

Dear Beloved One, I feel absolutely blessed to experience a conscious relationship with you. I dreamt of being with a man that I could communicate with... about my fears... about the desires I appear to have. Through you, I am being reminded of living in a space of unconditional love in EACH moment. I love the way you hold space for me to be vulnerable... the way you remind me that it is all okay & that I am safe to share my thoughts & feelings. I have always felt protected by your touch, by laying within your arms as you caress me. I appreciate your ability of listening to me all ways,...

July 16, 2019

So, I turned 24 a couple of days ago and didn’t feel much different. I did notice some feelings come up, how I have been feeling more needy. I felt like I deserved money and gifts… I felt as if I couldn’t just appreciate what I was receiving. I didn’t even tell anyone it was my birthday, I just hiked 20 miles and got some rest…

July 8, 2019

Crossing Bear Creek is known as one of the toughest river crossings on the PCT. When I looked at it from the outside, it didn’t look intimidating, especially after some South Bounders told us it wasn’t too bad, but THIS terrified me. As soon as I got to the middle, my trekking poles were getting caught between the rocks. It was slippery & I had to do everything in my power to keep my body strong against the current. It felt like one mis-step could send me down the river. This was a reminder to cross with people or walk up/downstream some extra miles to cross at a safer spot. At the same...

July 1, 2019

Oh the innocence of not knowing what I was getting myself into when I began to enter the Sierras. Excitement for what was to come, but soon faced with fear. Near death experiences, frozen & wet feet for 3 weeks, snow burn... yet all of that fear led to trust & acceptance for what was to come. Yesterday, we began hiking at 2am so we could get to town early. We came down an 11,000’ mountain covered in mostly ice. That was by far my scariest experience on trail. We got rid of our mountaineering gear assuming it would be smooth-sailing, but quickly found out that wasn’t the case. We rock...

June 27, 2019

There’s not much I want to talk about… Other than my feelings. I felt as if I’ve been drifting away from Spirit ever since I began hiking the PCT, which I was not expecting. I have been feeling anger, nervousness, resentment. I have been finding myself in a very “time” and “planning” mentality. I found myself getting short with Fox and I caught myself having breakdowns daily. I caught myself comparing myself to others on trail and trying to impress them. I have been getting to the point where I just want to drop all that. The thoughts I have been thinking have been energy...

June 26, 2019

“It’s all here to amuse you. No matter what you choose you can’t go wrong.” 👣🌲💫 Since I started hiking the Sierras, I’ve been experiencing a lot of anger, nervousness, & the appearance of pain arise rather than joyfulness & ease. Its as if I have to constantly remind myself to appreciate what’s coming & trust that it will all work out, even if it’s not the way I expected. It feels like a persistent mental challenge... waking yourself up at 3am when you’re already cold & tired, putting on your completely frozen shoes, crossing a raging river, summiting another mountain. It feels as if I’m...

June 18, 2019

Fox flew out and met me at a motel in Inyokern and we made love. Then, we began our hike the next day. He got 50 miles of practice in the desert before the sierra section. We experienced some challenges along the way. It was intense and there were moments where we both broke down into tears. Fox was experiencing some intense physical pain, along with emotional pain. I was dealing with my own illusions… I think the fear-mongering got to my head a bit. Thinking about time a lot. Having to make it to town early so we could relax for longer. Making it everywhere on time so I could make it to...

June 17, 2019

What an adventure already... my guy flew out here to do 300 miles of the Sierra section with me! 😋 This was intended to be a solo journey, but things happened to shift as I experienced the PCT more personally. Since day 1, I’ve been merging with different groups as I hiked & on other days, I would prefer to be completely alone. 💜 Either way, I witnessed a lot of thoughts come up. I had the mentality that I needed to do everything on my own & be fully independent. I felt that’s what true strength was. YET, I learned to let go of that idea & understand that it’s okay to lean on someone when...

May 31, 2019

I absolutely cannot wait to get into Tehachapi and just SLEEP. Oh my God. Sleep. How godly of a thing. I did over 30 miles yesterday, I’m doing another 30 today, night hiking the aqueduct and then, 25 to Tehachapi.

May 26, 2019 (Part 3)

So, for some reason I haven’t found myself writing in my diary much. I haven’t really felt the desire. A part of me feels too lazy to catch up, but a bigger part of me is still healing from Fox reading my diary. It reminded me of when that happened in the past and I felt like I couldn’t be as open about what was truly lingering on my mind. The past week or so I’ve been hiking with Orange Man. It started when we met each other in Wrightwood. We got breakfast together and shared each other’s company. We decided to hike the next section together and since then it has been about a week. We...

May 26, 2019 (Part 2)

Experiencing hiker hunger is out of control while I’m hiking the PCT. I’m eating way over 10,000 calories a day & it feels like a void in my stomach, AND to top it off, I am continuously losing more & more weight. BUT, I will say, I am having the time of my life meeting guys on the trail who want to challenge me by eating more food than me when we reach a town. Every time, I end up finishing their meals along with mine as they’re on the verge of vomiting. 😅 SO, moral of the story, I think this is THE perfect time to enter into a food eating competition! 😈

May 26, 2019

So, I had a mental breakdown when I was hiking. I ended up getting two massive blisters on my feet, to the point where other people were freaking out. I had 9 miles left & decided to push myself. I noticed the trail would continuously meander into steep uphills followed by steep downhills. I began to curse the trail, questioning the intentions of the people who created it. I began hiking out of pure frustration, shoving my trekking poles into the dirt as I continued to climb yet another mountain. I was crying, barely being able to see where I was walking, but I wanted to be strong. I...

May 17, 2019

Today, I got to experience some hot springs on the PCT which was an interesting experience. It felt so good to get naked and soak, yet most of the time I was wondering what people thought of me. None of the PCT hikers that I knew got naked. I was the only girl who was fully naked so I began to feel off when people I knew weren’t acknowledging me or saying hello to me. I did get to talk to a couple who was very kind to me. They were both very comfortable being nude. I actually ended up crying about this later.

May 15, 2019

So, the Fuller Ridge section was a bit intense. There were people that hiked with me through the tougher sections, so that was helpful! There was an incredible amount of snow. After that section, I ended up meeting some really sweet people. We got to our campsite and they had a bonfire set up and we got a moment to just catch up and talk. Some guys randomly showed up about an hour after us and they were so sweet and funny. I felt like this group just came in to tell us jokes and share funny stories by the campfire, and shortly after, they left. One of the guys, Corn Cobb, gave me the name...

May 14, 2019

My babe came out to visit me last week & we spontaneously decided it would be fun to hike the trail together while he was here! I was experiencing intense achilles pain so he offered to carry my bag for a few days... THAT felt like a God sent moment... to have a load off my back, I was able to feel extra light on my feet & had the sensation of wanting to run! It was also pretty hysterical cause he had no equipment so we shared all of our necessities. We used a plus sized dress as a mat for him & crammed into one sleeping bag. He even ended up getting blisters all over his feet, & then all...

May 9, 2019

So, we woke up the next morning and hitched back to Paradise. We ordered a burger, but canceled last minute because everything became Divine Timing. Some guy was giving rides back to Warner Springs and that was so perfect because that was exactly where Fox needed to get back to because he left his rental car there. It was also Divine Timing for me because I ran into Jeff! I felt so grateful. I asked him if he wanted to hike the next few upcoming miles with me and he said yes and I felt so comforted. Later when Fox left, someone in the bigger group initiated a conversation with me and...