Appalachian Trail 2023 - GoodVibeGoda

Letting the Ocean Heal Me, Hitchhiking Inland, Universe Gifting Me Virile Men and Honoring Their Cocks, Getting Caught on Camera

A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man shining a bright light on me.
Fuck, I’m too tired to get up and move, I thought to myself.
I felt I was so stealthy, but I guess not. Turned out, he wasn’t upset, but instead brought me white chocolate, crackers and beer.
“Hey,” he whispered, “I brought you some snacks.”
“Wow,” I said, “thank you so much for being so kind and thoughtful. How did you know I was here?”
“There’s cameras all over this bitch,” he said as he began pointing to each one saying, “there’s one, there, there, there,” making a full circle.
I closed my eyes in a feeling sense of hilarity and shame, knowing very well this man and the other workers there totally saw me sucking on some stranger’s cock and they probably assumed I was a prostitute.

Krystal’s Hibiscus Flower in Full Bloom, Stigma Around Traumatic Events, Forgiving What Never Was and Exploring Newport OR with Violet

I was also weirded out when I got out of that situation and witnessed how those experiences weren’t something that was talked about often. There seemed to be a stigma around women needing to stay silent and withdraw, to not bring that kind of stuff to light, which often times did happen, even to me. I didn’t talk to my community on trail, nor was I going to share anything with the public, in fear of shame or backlash about the person I was writing about. But, the inspiration eventually guided me to share and I was so grateful I did, because through that, I was able to see how common of experience it really was and I was able to get support through it.

Guilty Pleasure Songs, Stranger Things Lighting Animation, Normalization of Sex/Violence and Rekindling with Krystal

“Cinema is supposed to connect people,” Lenny said.
He, himself, started to dip back in time and watch older movies for the same reason. He wasn’t drawn to raunchy scenes or anything of the sort. He found movies were ruined even by the moment they put in a simple kissing scene.
“Let the audience feel it for themselves,” he said, “I also love older movies because the men were portrayed as much more respectful instead of these creatures that just wanted to have immediate sex all of the time, rather than building an emotional connection first. It gives a bad impression on men, along with a deceptive image for women.”

Meteor Shower in Jackson Hole, Spaghetti Dildos, Passion/Trauma, In and Out of the Present Moment and Making Love Under the Traces of Glittering Stardust

“I don’t know if you remember me,” he said, “but we exchanged 20 second eye contact at Trail Days in New Mexico this year.” He momentarily paused as I jogged my memory and he continued, “and a month after that, I was asking everyone about you and where I could find the mystery woman I saw at Trail Days.”
I loved how the Universe just brought back people in such magical, unexpected ways.
“Oh yeah, I remember now!” I said, “I was with Bud and Zulu.”
“Yeah,” he said, "I remember that eye contact we had was intense. I told people how I just wanted to find you, tie you up to a tree and spit in your mouth.”
Triple H walked in on our conversation and quickly got up and left to give us space to continue our moment.
“Mm,” I said as I released a blush and flirted, “yeah, I would’ve liked that very much.”

Bald Eagles in Wyoming, Getting a Ride from a Sexy Firefighter, Reuniting with Sea Wolf in Pinedale and Sacred Vibes of the West

No matter what topic was being offered, I kept insinuating sex as a response. There was a moment of silence where I casually and seductively stroked my fingertips up along the shaft of his stick shift.
He broke out a smile, blushed and said, “Stop that.”
“Stop what?” I said innocently, “I was just admiring your stick…”

Winning the Lottery, Daily Opportunities for Forgiveness, Horsetooth Reservoir City Lights and Appreciating Mature Relating

I, myself, had experienced the battle of wearing raunchy clothes in public for many, many years. Complete nudity didn’t appear to bother me nearly as much because I still perceived innocence in that display (depending on the setting). But, when I saw her, I witnessed a part of myself that I no longer wanted to associate myself with. I remembered doing the exact same things, specifically on the Las Vegas Strip. I wanted so bad to have people ‘see’ me and so I would wear skin tight latex and leather just to get some eyes, not recognizing what I really wanted was to be seen and connect on a heart to heart level.

Lightning Show, River Walk with My Tramily, Sexualized Sushi Rolls and Synchronistically Meeting a Lithuanian in Golden, CO

And as I tuned into that feeling, of pure serenity and peace, I remembered of when I first went out to hike the Colorado Trail.
I had told the trail Angel who was driving me to the trailhead, “I want a man that makes me feel the way the mountains make me feel.”
What a wake up call it was to recognize in my mind that I had never come close to anything like that feeling with a man before. Why did that feeling only seem to appear in my field when I was alone and with God as my center?

Mountains Are Calling, Nothing in the World is Dangerous, Homeless Care Package and False Alarm on Kidnapping

Ada gave me a ride up close to I-70 W before she left for work. I thought to myself how close I was to my family’s home—only a couple of hours away. I contemplated visiting them, but my heart was calling to go out west and spend some time in the mountains.
It took a long time for me to get a ride from where I was standing. I was in a shitty spot on an on-ramp where the cars were moving over 50 miles per hour. Eventually, a guy came to a quick stop and I hopped in to avoid causing any traffic jam. He was a really sweet man—a sous-chef for a restaurant in Indiana.
He drove me almost 2 hours, pretty much to the border of Illinois. He took me out to eat along with buying me a plethora of snacks for the road. Then, mid drive, he proceeded to tell me he was going to smoke some crack.

French Toast at the Waffle House, Old School Truck Driver, Learning to Be More Gentle with My Brothers and Longing for Constant Adventure

He drove me for a good hour and a half, then dropped me off at another rest area. There, I waited there for almost two hours in the rain with no luck on getting a hitch. It was a hit or miss with the rest areas. So, I did what I normally never did, and that was ask people for a ride. One man said he couldn’t help me out, even just by taking me to the next exit over. I could tell he was freaked out by me. I found it interesting how some people were so nervous just by looking into my eyes, as if rejecting any form of soul connection I was giving them.

Confident in His Performance, Owning That I Desire Provision, Human Trafficking Jokes and Prayers of Protection

With his other hand, he casually hung a cigarette off his bottom lip, lit it and inhaled his addiction, then exhaled the fumes into my face as he flicked the ashes off to the side. That image of him would forever be burned into my memory. I felt m turned on to complete desperation. He was a living aphrodisiac to me when it came to sex. I loved his nonchalant attitude mixed with an air of confidence, as if never feeling nervous in his performance.

Moving Through Speech Impediments, Expansion and Contraction of Lust, Women’s Intuition and Emasculated in Seconds

He kissed me and said he didn’t want to fight. Anytime I called him out on his bullshit, it somehow meant I was trying to fight, but what I was really looking for was compassion and empathy for what I was feeling. He was starting to become emasculated in my eyes. A true man to me felt like someone whom I could trust to speak kind words to and about me, especially in front of me. A true man would hold space for me when I was experiencing a deep sense of hurt. My emotional reactions were revealing to him that I didn’t feel safe in his presence, but he couldn’t take a step back and recognize that.
I hopped in the back and he came to lay down beside me and said, “I’m so happy I got to see you again. I just want to be around you.”
I felt energetically confirmed to the depth of my core that I would be okay without him.

Yogi’ing a Shower/Laundry, Burgers at the Brewery, Sensitive to Sentimental Energy, Dancing with the Devil, but a Dreamer Nonetheless

My friends would often tell me it was as if I was ‘dancing with the devil.’ I would be so good at making excuses for what was normally perceived as ‘bad behavior’. I would be the expert at romanticizing my romantic relationships. I could convince myself out of every sad story, every harsh comment made, every lie, etc. I knew how to ‘take a lot' and brushed things off so much because I had endless hope. I dreamed high. So, it felt really hard to break the fantasy I had made about the person. But that was what I had been learning over the years, that it was just that—fantasy.

Surprise Pizza Date, Wildcat Mountain Boulder Hopping and Humbling Moments When I Take Step Back

I was very mistaken in my thinking. If anything, I was acting out an energy of compliancy, not submission. I genuinely loved submitting to a man, but that meant that my heart was in alignment to his lead, which it wasn’t in the slightest. I learned the same lesson again, except now, at a deeper level, that I was not capable of changing someone if they didn’t want to do the inner work to change themselves. To him, I felt sure I was only coming across as white noise anytime I had the intention of changing him.

Hitting Zero in the Bank, Sharing Space with Frozen Belt, Summiting Mt Washington and Expressing Gratitude for Divorce

I found out I hit the negatives in my bank account when I tried to make a food purchase at a store. I never found myself to take money as too serious of a perception. I often had the mentality that I would spend money if it felt inspiring, just the same as I would save money if that felt inspiring. I no longer budgeted myself nor did I put any kind of limitations on myself, as I had seen that would backfire and seem to cause resentment in my mind.
In Hawaii we would say, “If can, can. If no can, no can.”
It really was that simple. If the means were available, then great. If not, that was great, too. Take it as it comes. I was aware that whatever experience I received was absolutely perfect for me. The perception of running out of money also excited a sense of ‘challenge accepted’ mentality in me. I would look at it as a game to see how I could maneuver around without it.

Kneading Out Knots, No Luck Finding a Shower, Jam Sessions at the Hostel and Paying Attention to My Energy

Fantasy was pain disguised as pleasure and how ironic it was that I was getting a massage to release tension while I was simultaneously building more. I wasn’t connecting with him when he was talking to me about something personal and all I was thinking about was what he looked like naked.

Falling Into a Bog, Tricked by the Ego, Fantasy is Pain, News is a PSYOPS

I expressed how I actually felt as if I was experiencing a sense of addiction over the sex we had. I remembered how much I cried because I felt as if we weren’t having enough sex, even though it was what the majority of our day consisted of. The feelings of arousal and ‘needing to get off' were so strong that I felt I couldn’t move on with my day until I satisfied that itch over and over again.
She reminded me that the feelings of hornyness were made to feel intense and real to make it seem like I needed that person to fix it, but if I gave willingness for the Holy Spirit to shine some light on it, He would give me the strength to be with the feeling and let it pass.
“The fantasy is the tension,” she said, “it’s the thoughts that are holding it down.”

Mahoosuc Notch Boulder Hopping, Celebrating the Perception of Defeat in the Whites and Observing a Heavy Rainstorm Roll By

Around noon, I got to the beginning of the Mahoosuc Notch. A couple of NOBO hikers walked by, coming out of it with their legs covered in blood and out of breath. They didn’t seem like they wanted to talk much.
All they said was, “Good luck.”
It can’t be that bad, I thought to myself.
Then, seconds later, I saw the large rocks and boulders, slick and covered in moss, with sheer cliffs on both sides of the canyon. I kept telling myself it might not be that bad, but then as I started the ascent, the obstacles would get significantly more difficult.
I kept thinking to myself, This can’t be the trail. There’s no way. No psychopath would make this an actual trail.
All to, lo and behold, see a white blaze underneath some boulders, confirming, yes, I had to squeeze under and through a tight hole of boulders that could possibly crush me if they decided to fall at that moment. I don’t think I had ever used the word ‘fuck’ so many times in the matter of an hour.

Finding Courage to Speak My Truth, Tattered Wings with a Strong Urge to Fly, Interchanging Energies

After the climb, I took a break at the shelter so I could dry the sweat off my back. Upon hanging out, I spotted a butterfly walking around aimlessly on the dirt, it’s wings tattered. I had been seeing a lot of butterflies and dragonflies with dull, deadened wings, especially when I was with Voodoo. It stumbled around, nearly lifeless, and I saw myself in it. I noticed how deadened I felt, but how badly I wanted to lift and fly. So badly I wanted to rise and feel that joy of being light and airy, but I felt as if my wings were shredded to near nothingness.

Taking Someone’s Virginity, Energetic Withdrawals, Gratitude for the Hiking Community and Forever a Dreamer

I blushed and said, “Mmhmm,” as I threw a blanket over us.
I kept making gentle moans as if pondering on what we could possibly do next. I could feel how he wanted to make a move on me but didn’t know how. So, I looked into his eyes, then at his lips, then slowly back up to his eyes again. We both smirked and slowly went in for a kiss.
I miss the way Voodoo tastes, I thought to myself.
I wasn’t present at all. Thoughts kept tempting me into the past. I mounted him, to which he pulled his lips away from mine momentarily and told me he was a virgin.
“Everything is new and I don’t know how to do anything,” he said, “so if I’m awkward, that’s why.”
The first reaction in my mind was, Finally, I get to take a guys virginity.

Praying for Discernment, Seeing Him Truly, Calling Out Untruthful Thoughts, No Such Thing As Doer

When I sat down at the bar, I experienced a deep euphoria for several seconds. The hair on my body stood up and I felt wrapped in a warm fuzzy feeling of love. I closed my eyes and sank into that feeling. The only other time I had experienced such intensity of bliss was when I was very high on marijuana back in my teen years, sunbathing on the roof of my Prius, parked in the middle of a public forest preserve.
I chatted with a couple of guys that were sitting next to me at the bar. I asked if they were married, to which they both were, for almost two decades now! They were so young, I couldn’t even believe it at first. I asked them about their secrets to a healthy marriage and they both said consistent, honest communication and having the same core values.

Last Melody, Observing Tadpoles, Emotional Purge on Moxie Bald Mountain and Accidental Run In to Vegas

I played out stories, thoughts and memories as I watched the way I struggled to bring myself back into the present moment. And then it hit me. Something told me it was only the beginning of understanding everything that apparently occurred with Voodoo and how much mental pain I was actually in without ever even having realized it. Now came the time to feel through it all, along with the biggest lesson of all which was to forgive myself.

Intense Energy of Longing, Fried Dough and Mandalas, Justifying Blame Incorrectly and House of Prayer

When she dropped me off, we gave each other a deep hug with a loose promise that I would come back and stay with her whenever I passed through Millinocket. Then, I walked around the back of the building to find Pink sitting right on the porch and we greeted each other with screams of joy for our reunion. He showed me cool rocks with lichen patterns that he found, along with his new harmonica. I felt so grateful to have met him on this trip.

Summiting Katahdin Alone, Letting Go of Fantasies and Protected by the Grace of God

When Mo and I had talked to you over the phone, you sounded like a different person,” she said, “it was as if you weren’t really there and no matter what we were saying to you, it wasn’t getting through. You were unreachable.”
I told her I had a difficult time feeling emotions. It was as if I was putting up a field of protection, such like a wall, to combat his words and the kind of energy he was throwing at me.
CTM kept saying, “I really need you to know and understand that it’s not your fault.”
I closed my eyes and she repeated, “It’s not your fault.”
But he was so good at convincing me that it was. She reminded me how the devil always came in a disguise. For Voodoo, he was a charmer and an entertainer. In the beginning, he was so adamant about wanting to know everything about me—my story, my hardships, the things that felt vulnerable to me. And I felt after a while I could let my guard down and confide in him, not thinking he would ever use those things against me.

Accessing My Confidence, Rethinking Katahdin, Angels Watching Out For Me and Cops Getting Involved at Baxter

I never thought that I would take on so much pain and allow it for myself. I never thought I would be ‘that’ woman. I never thought I would find it so hard to leave. Because when it was good, it was so good. And in those moments, I truly never thought the opposite would come.
When I got to the ranger station at the top, I saw a bunch of other hikers there, but didn’t feel in a place where I was ready to converse with people. So, I went to sit at a picnic table across the bridge while I worked on my writing.
About two hours in, a law enforcement truck pulled up and a woman hopped out of the drivers seat, with a smile on her face and said, “You made it!”
I nodded yes, feeling a little bit confused. Then, a bunch of cops came out and began approaching me. One in particular was fully dressed in uniform from head to toe. He had his gun and bullet proof vest and an air of authority about him.
God fucking damnit, I thought to myself.

100 Mile Wilderness Not So Remote, Craving Intimacy From Men Who Are Unreachable and Understanding My Needs Are Worthy

And there it was. Convinced I was being too much again. Self conscious that my energy and space felt overwhelming, yet also feeling insecure when I felt I needed to “tone it down” so I wouldn’t overstep anyone’s boundaries. I felt like I just kept losing around him. No matter what I did or said, I seemed to always be doing it wrong or not good enough.
I turned over to my side and screamed as loud as I could into my pillow, feeling so much anger for receiving a lack of affection from the person I wanted it from the most.

Delusional Dance, Moosehead Lake Side Venture, Sense of Addiction and Craving for Connection

“You’re emotionless,” he said to me.
Wish I was, I thought to myself.
I was only temporarily numb. The feelings were actually so intense that I didn’t feel I could handle them at the time, so I did what I did best—shut them out. It felt like he was energetically shaking my body, wanting me to at least act a little bit more alive.
“I am experiencing so much mental pain,” I said, “I just don’t have the energy to do or say anything anymore.”
I didn’t have the energy to speak my truth which would inevitably turn into an argument. I felt he knew I was drifting away… from him and from myself. It was as if he didn’t know how to keep me in a solid piece and we were both scared because of it. In the end, we were just kids, trying to figure out what all of it meant, all the while feeling stuck in a delusional dance, keeping each other afloat while barely alive.

Crossing Boundaries, Buying into the Ego’s Game, Angels on My Path and Seeing Through the Perception

He wasn’t some sort of monster to me. He wasn’t someone scary, or narcissistic or someone whose reputation I wanted to ruin. He was my brother, showing me where I was still hurting and how I was talking to myself in my own mind. He was bringing all the shit up to help me see how I was treating myself in thought.
It seemed I still had some layers of victim mentality that I wanted to play out and he was the perfect candidate for me, helping me bring layers of subconscious thoughts to the surface to show me that this worldly game of separation wasn’t what I truly wanted.

Luna Moth Surprise Appearance, Understanding What it Means to Appreciate, Scattered Lakes and Mini Sand Beaches

I felt so miserable despite such beauty surrounding me. I wished I could learn how to appreciate another human being around me when I seemed to not be receiving the solitude time I appeared to want. It just felt like something was so wrong in that moment because I didn’t have what I thought I wanted. It felt as if the breathing of another was taking away from the sounds of nature around me.

Inescapable Grip, Reuniting with Pink and Memories of Childhood

Is this love? I thought to myself as I was getting rug burn on my back.
If this isn’t love, how do I so easily keep mistaking it for that? I mean, there’s passion in his eyes… he’s holding me tight, kissing me as if it will be our last time, whispering sweet nothings… but then why does my heart hurt so much? Why does everything feel so empty?
After he came on me, I laid there in a gentle calmness. I reminisced of when I laid on the carpeted floor in my parents guest bedroom, listening to AQUA on my CD player and making beaded bracelets. I remembered my innocence in that memory—highly attuned in the “now” and fully replenished and sustained by my own sustenance, for I knew that the life force energy I felt within came from God and I was the vessel that it moved through.

Internal Recognition, Wounding Patterns of Self Belief, Wavering Faith and Subconscious Games People Play

In the midst of this, I could feel Spirit gently whispering to me, “Fear not, my child. Let your heart not be weary, for the Truth is already here and the past is already written and over.”
I communicated that I could just feel what kind of love existed and how I had witnessed it numerous times in other relationships, yet my faith seemed to waver the more I hung around Voodoo. It was clear to me that the feeling of doubt was stronger than my faith for a man to show up how in a way that felt worthy to me. And so, I would keep bringing about what I felt undeserving of, because in this world, the feelings that felt stronger would be the ones that would inevitably manifest.

Flood Warning, Near Death Stream Crossings and Temptation to Blame and Project

He looks over through the bushes and goes, “Would you look at that beautiful pond? Aren’t you glad we took the blue blaze?!”
A few moments after that, we began our near death waterfall stream crossings. The first few we assumed were just kind of “for funsies” and then eventually they got tougher and tougher.
There was one in particular that was a strong current, the water a mocha shade of brown. Below was a waterfall with 100’ drop just past that.

Sherpa Mike Trail Angel, Damsel in Distress, Mystical Garden Path and Cascading Waterfalls Beside My Heart

The weather was ideal for hiking today—cloudy and cool. The mist in the air gave off a refreshing boost for our climb up the mountain. Along the way, we appreciated the intricacy of spiderwebs and the eerie effect the fog gave off. I stopped to take pictures of the peeling bark amongst the tree trunk. In the midst of the white clouds between the life of the trees, we walked, such like explorers of a mystical garden.

Pushing it to Katahdin, Weighed Down in Thoughts, Sweet Little Black Bear and Desiring to Stay True to My Heart

An older gentleman in a pick up truck picked us up. Voodoo placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I zoned out. I just couldn’t seem to shake the feelings off. I would move through waves of sadness, then numbness.
“You know, I used to hitchhike cross country back in the day,” the guy said, “I’ve seen this whole country just by sticking my thumb out on the side of the interstates.”
Normally, I would be talking peoples’ ears off when I was hitchhiking, wanting to know their stories and celebrating in synchronicities, but when I was with Voodoo, I became more and more passive.
“She’s being really quiet right now, but this girl hitchhikes cross country every year,” Voodoo said.
I looked out the window, reminiscing of what it felt like to roam free.
“Mhm, it was fun,” I said.
When Voodoo would speak to me, it was as if I would respond several seconds later, as if I was a robot waiting for the circuits in my brain to compute a sentence.

Loss of Presence, Changing Expressions, Disassociation and Finding God in the Secret Garden

I felt like I had nowhere to run. I was sick of crying, I was sick of feeling in so much mental pain. I felt the self worth I had built over the years just dwindling away into a mere nothingness. I just wanted to feel okay, period. I just wanted to feel like I would be safe in his arms, which I actually did, but not in a healthy way. I could feel that tendency to depend on him for my answers and happiness. I could feel the temptation to rely on him when I was in pain… the endless game of wanting to dissect his actions and thoughts rather than just taking it for what it was at the surface.

Killington Local Town Parade, Retracting From Crowds, Pure Vermont Maple Syrup and Connecting for Eternity

Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I ever really liked crowds. The only time I really did was when I was in my teens and early twenties and I viewed it as a time to dress half naked so boys could hit on me and I could get attention. It was also the time I would drink/do drugs which made me relax more into the public scenes. Now, I just felt more and more drawn to being in the woods and away from community.

Fox Crossing Our Path, Sneaking Some Fun in the Dressing Room, Staying Optimistic and Bathing Each Other with Cheap Motel Soap

We packed our bags, now extra heavy due to the weight of the water soaking into everything we owned. We hitched a ride into town to get a room for the night. First thing we did was lay out our gear and clothing to dry, then Voodoo invited me into the bathtub. It was a very small tub, but we made do with it. We bathed each other with cheap motel soap, starting from the neck and making it down to each others toes. I was unable to let him clean my feet because I was too ticklish.

Connecting with Lorax in North Adams, Dropping Belief Systems, Getting Caught in the Act and Entering Vermont

I thought back to what Hope had recently said, “Why does it matter to have people like you? Why is it important for someone who’s not even out there to have a perception of you that you want them to have? That’s not what the purpose of the illusion is, nor is receiving the perception that someone likes you what you really want.”
Right then, I relaxed and remembered I didn’t need to defend anyone or any belief system I seemed to hold. I could just drop it. I also realized that Hope would be laughing her ass off and in a state of appreciation if she was in the same situation. Once I let it go, I was able to connect back to the people in front of me.

Tone of Voice, State of Shock and a Slave to the Ego

I felt so embarrassed, disrespected and out of bounds. I never felt comfortable having disagreements in public and causing a scene that didn’t need to be a scene in the first place. Those conversations felt personal to me and I desired to work through them in a very intimate, soft way.
He apologized after taking some deep breaths and continued to climb the mountain with me, then said, “I’m sorry. I just have really strong feelings for you that sometimes I forget you’re your own person.”
We took a break in a stone building near the summit and ate our leftover pizza. I still couldn’t shake off the feeling.
I kept thinking to myself, What the fuck just happened?

Reminiscing on Gentleness, Emotionally Naked, Intervention and Facing Rejection

It seemed he was emotionally available when he was aroused and wanted to have sex. I started to notice a weird pattern in myself where I wanted more and more sex out of him because of that. I wanted to make out more, to feel his fingers up my pussy, to feel his cock throbbing against my clit all of the time. I wanted him penetrating me 24/7 and I was starting to think that it was only because that was the only time I actually felt connected to him. It was the only time I felt noticed and cherished by him… the only time I felt he was actually being present.

Squirrel Thief, Porcupine and Bear Encounter, Mud Puddles and Hung Up on Affection

There was a deep pattern of wanting to be desired and seen, without having to ask. I craved gentleness and loving affection so much and I kept mistakenly looking at Voodoo to give it to me. I was so hung up on how well he pleasured me in bed and during foreplay that I seemed to trick my mind into thinking he didn’t love me if he didn’t provide the same caring gestures outside of the bedroom.

Blueberry Croissants in Salisbury, 1984 Olympics, Celebrity Meryl Streep and Placing Pressure on Myself

I had overheard someone talking behind my back without them knowing I was listening. It was a gift for me because I saw how offended I got, for one. And for two, it made me think about how many times I had done that, myself. I recalled times when I had talked about people as if they weren’t there or whispered as if it was something I wouldn’t want the so called person to hear. I would forget to ask myself, Is this something I would say to the person’s face? It helped me see how much I didn’t want to play that kind of game anymore and that it was petering out of my experience.

Enjoy the Ride, Lavender Fields, Transmuting the Perception of Pain and Making Love Under the Moonlight

In the moment of that apparently happening, I appeared so saddened, yet it was so obvious, once again, how everything was showing up in my perception just for me to see through. It was a gift because I was being shown that I was making the world real and I knew that based off of my internal reaction.
Still, I cried intensely. It felt like a trauma response and everything around me started to go blank as the ringing in my ears began. I felt myself go in and out of numbness. Voodoo pulled me in close as he threw the sleeping bag over our heads. With my eyes closed, I let the tears stream endlessly as I felt through what seemed to be a deep pain.

Golden Play, Fat Porcupines, Empire State Trail Detour and Speaking to God Under the Crescent Moon

I felt that air of sadness come up before going to bed, as if something was missing or out of place. I didn’t understand why I was hurting so much in my mind. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be happy with the perception of another man in my presence for so long.
I looked out of our tent at the crescent moon and I thought to myself, I just want to have a moment to talk to God right now.
And then right at that moment, a shooting star flew right beneath the moon and I knew everything was going to be okay.

Shopping for Date Night, Lust Versus Love and Provision

My heart needed much more than just the physical act of him paying. For one, I wanted it to come from his heart and not feel like it was some sort of burden. He assured me it wasn’t, but then would make consistent comments about how much something cost or how I “better enjoy it” because it cost “x” amount of dollars. There seemed to be stress around it for him, so I told him numerous times that I would rather pay for myself if he wanted to keep commenting on how much things cost.
It was okay to have preferences and if he didn’t resonate with a girl who wanted to have men provide for her, I completely understood. I was capable of separating ways and moving on; in fact, I felt it was better to figure out what dynamics worked for each other and which ones didn’t, so we could both cut to the chase, rather than pretending we were okay with certain things.

Wet Shoes from Morning Dew, Escape Proof Sex Doll, Splitting 50/50 and Disassociating Day to Day

When we made it back to Ray’s, Voodoo and I laid down in their lawn chairs beside the pool and knocked out. Both of us woke up with drool dripping from out of the corners of our mouth. Shortly after, we had BBQ with Ray’s family. They invited a bunch of people over and I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden. I went quiet and retracted, as I normally did in large groups, or if I didn’t feel the conversations were interesting to me.
I overheard Ray whisper to Voodoo, “Is she okay?”
I noticed I had been starting to disassociate more often. I had been feeling less present in my experience around me. I didn’t feel as happy anymore and I was so tempted to blame Voodoo for it.
If only he loved me enough.
If only he gave me more attention.
If only he showed me he cared through his apparent actions.
The thing was, I had a hard time admitting to myself that I was part of the problem and that I it was not an actual possibility for me to be a victim in the situation, nor would it even make sense. He had shown me numerous things from day one that let me know he wasn’t the guy for me, yet I kept coming back around. I kept my mouth and desires shut, all in trade for the way he fucked me so good. I felt he knew he had that against me and was even using it to his advantage.
Yet as I took a step back, I realized that not even the best sex in the world was worth it if the rest of the day I felt like complete shit/energetically drained. I was looking for my Self in the wrong places and then feeling like a confused little child who lost my way.

Japanese Man Singing Euro Songs, Drawn Towards Modesty, Living Contradiction and Feelings of Unworthiness

Overall, I really just wanted to be happy. I really just wanted to feel as if I felt God in my heart and that I wasn’t so wavering in my apparent emotions. I still had faith. I had faith I would be laughing about this stuff some day, even though the chances appeared so slim. Beneath that perception, I felt a strong feeling sense that awakening from this apparent pain would be coming soon. I knew that eventually I would see the meaninglessness of it all and that truly, I didn’t have to worry, for the perception of this world had nothing to do with being worthy. In fact, the world was here to show me that I was unworthy. It had nothing to do with Reality. My worth wasn’t dependent on things that faded and turned to dust and death.

Calmness of Nature, Sensory Overload, Pulling Away From Voodoo and Fine Tuning My Apparent Desires

We got dropped off by W.I.C. at the trailhead and she hiked some of the trail with us. She was doing trail maintenance, picking up trash and dismantling fireplaces. Voodoo and I hiked on as it started to rain steady for the last few miles. We came upon a pond and I tried looking for frogs to catch. I had zero luck for they were all too slick and fast. I was drawn to the way the rain pitter pattered upon the water. Something in my mind felt off. It felt like that calmness of nature’s expression was nowhere to be found within me.

First Time Orgasm, Patterns of Jealousy/Insecurity and Revealing a Sense of Vulnerability

We took a zero today and hung out in town. Voodoo helped fix a flat tire for W.I.C., then we shopped at REI and went to the grocery store so he could buy some energy drinks.
While we were in the checkout line, I noticed how Voodoo became drawn to a magazine that had a half naked chick on it. There had been a common theme where he would show me that his attention still resided in other women, such as moments like that or him checking out/talking about other women.
It took a really long time to communicate what appeared to upset me, but I felt so grateful that I did. I realized I had nothing to be afraid of. I was scared he would laugh at me or he would belittle me, but it was the opposite. Even if he did make fun of me or put me down, I would just know he wasn’t the right man for me.

No Other Outside of Me, Sadistic Behavior, Taking Responsibility and Seeing Through the Patterns

I called Hope Johnson to be my voice of reason. She always knew how to bring me into a state of relaxation. She reminded me that it was a pattern that needed to play out and my job was to keep watching myself with awareness. I told her how I kept getting backlash when I communicated to people that nothing was real, but then felt like a contradiction, myself.
“When you start to go down the path of teaching, there’s a lot of contradictions and inconsistencies. You’ll say the world isn’t real but then act like it is,” she said.
She reminded that it could take years because the ego loved drama and making conflict for it gave it a false sense of being alive. However, true love involved zero drama. True love was deep, calm and in complete peace. I told her what an amazing teacher she was for me and that I felt like a little kid, striving to develop that kind of peace within myself.
“Remember,” she said, “you’re actually playing out a feeling of unworthiness rather than worthiness when you convince yourself you need sex from a person.”

Covered in Chains, Sneaky Sex While Hitchhiking, Firefly Taking Me Home and Trading Spirit for Sin

I thought of how much I missed my Self. I missed that short lived sense of innocence before I even knew what sex was. I recalled that God was with me and that it was okay to cry, but that I didn’t have to because He was all ways with me. Still, I felt really sad. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to have sex anymore, whereas just a couple of minutes ago I was desperate for it.
When I looked at the ripples, I remembered that I didn’t owe my body to anyone. It wasn’t even about Voodoo; it was about all my lovers and my future lovers to come. I desired to move beyond the sexual/physical realm and to just be in complete union with God. But there seemed to be a double persona within me. There was a deep desire to be apparently sinful and out of Spirit in trade for a minuscule feeling of a short lived physical orgasm.

Triple Voyeur, Putting on a Show and Mason Dixon Line

In the mid afternoon, Voodoo had spotted a cliff that he wanted to take a break on, so we climbed up some jagged rocks and laid out our mats. I swear, he didn’t even have to do anything for me to be all over his cock 24/7. Just him laying there so calm and nonchalant, invitingly displaying his bulge, had me desperate for a taste. I got even more excited when I saw a group of college boys sitting on a log just below us. Figured I’d give them a little show.

Fucking in a Library, Superman Fantasy, Eraserhead and Perceiving Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

Yesterday, we took a zero day. Early in the afternoon we went to the library, because it was one of Voodoo’s fantasies to get fucked in one. When we got there, I did a walk around and said it wasn’t possible. It was too exposed and the employees were already on our asses from the moment we walked in.
"We look like trouble,” Voodoo said.
So, we sat there and jokingly planned out an escape route in case we did it and got caught. As we were talking about it, I grew excited at the very idea and figured why not take the risk.

Condescending Kinks, Blue Blaze Detour, Waves of Sadness and Moon Walking in Harper’s Ferry

Voodoo whispered, “He’s right there.” My pussy opened up for him as he continued, “he’s right there listening to your moans.”
He felt how wet I became and got on top to slip his cock in, quickly picking up the pace of his thrusts, fucking me deeper and harder. His eyes grew sultry with lust. Then, he spat on my face and smirked when I grew frustrated.
He says, “Awe, you look so cute when you’re angry,” he mocked, “mm, so pitiful,” then rammed his cock in harder.
I could feel my pussy throbbing for every inch of him in that moment, unsure as to why him making fun of me and acting condescending got me off so much.
“You gonna cry?” he provoked, "cause I like it when you cry—shit gets me off.”

17 Years Sober, Never Compromise My Spirit, Country Roads and Christmas Tree Farms, Feeling the Earth with Intention

Voodoo took me on a road walk down some lovely country roads alongside the AT. I was absolutely in love with today. I felt like I was on the CDT again. We saw a Christmas tree farm, cows bathing in some ponds and large open meadows with horses running around. We walked barefoot for a good hour and soaked in the energy of feeling the earth as it was intended to be felt.

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride, Played with Under the Moonlight, Little Mouse Visiting the Shelter and Trail Magic at Bear’s Den Hostel

Then, I laid in his arms and he looked down at me as though I was his little girl. He opened my legs gently and played with my clit until I came for him again. I felt so loved and pleased. Just knowing it was his hands touching me seemed to always get me off so quickly. It felt so magical to have an orgasm while laying under the canopy of trees with the warm summer wind in the air and the face of my lover above me being reflected by the moonlight. It felt like such a playful intimate exploration and what my heart desired deeply in that moment.

Jerking Him Off Under the Table, Shopping Cart Adventures in Front Royal, Playful with Hitchhiking and Purple Flowers in Our Hair

Overall, we decided to road walk the Shenandoah section alongside the trail, which was considered the old AT. I had a difficult time in this section, mentally. Most everyone I met in the south seemed to hype up the Shenies and I was expecting to see a lot, but instead found myself disappointed and complaining internally.
It seemed there were no views and just the same trees over and over again. I felt suffocated. But, I was sure I’d look back on it some day and romanticize it, talking about how much I missed being surrounded by the Virginia trees. By the end of the Shenies, we stuck to the road since it felt more open and there were more promising views.

Hiking Skyline Drive, Innocent Cum Angel, Hiker Watching Me Go Down on Voodoo and Blurring the Lines Between Real and the Fake

One of the hiker guys walked in on me as I was giving him a blowjob. I had my back turned so all I saw was Voodoo giving someone a thumbs up and smiling.
“Is anyone in the room?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Voodoo points and loudly says, “some guy is right there, watching us.”
I turned around to look as the hiker pulled his glasses down to the tip of his nose, then creepily said, “I’m not watching you.”

28” Pizza, Public Play, Blue Ridge Tunnel Side Quest and Primal Obsession

After we made it through, we laid in the grass so I could digest the pizza.
Voodoo looked at me and said, “I love how you smell like a woman. Your sweat smells so sweet, just like flowers.”
I knew exactly what he meant, for I felt the same way about him smelling like a man. He was so musky and smelled of dirt and trees. I wanted to tell him how I felt I was falling in love with him, but I felt scared. I also didn’t want it to get to his head, and truthfully, mine, so I kept quiet.

Synchronistic Ride to Waynesboro, Secretly Getting Each Other Off in the Backseat, Avant Garde Cheap Motel and Dancing with the Darkness

It was a blessing and a curse for me to see the beauty in people and to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I was learning to be careful and be more mindful of guarding my heart. I seemed to have a pattern of painting pretty pictures over people, such as making them out to be something they weren’t, instead of taking them to be as they were. Regardless, I felt I knew better than to commit to someone long term if I didn’t feel my heart was in it.

Accidentally Branding Sidetracked, Getting Walked on a Leash at AT Trail Days, French Kissing During a Therapy Session and BBQ at the Fiddle

At one point, he threw his arm around another girl as he was still walking me on the leash. It felt like a huge blow to me. I realized right in that moment how clear it was that I wasn’t interested in feeling like a “side” girl. It was a big ‘no’ in my energy field and I even told him how I’ve never been more turned off by him then in that moment. I felt myself pull away from him energetically, a part of my heart now closed.
Although an exhibitionist, sexual play was a very intimate experience for me. It was my biggest love language, so I needed a lot of attention from my lover in that arena. I needed to be shown consistently that I was his one and only and that he was completely devoted to me, otherwise I would start losing interest fast.

Pain Body Addiction, Luxe the Voyeur, Saliva Swapping and Bonfire at Trail Days

I swallowed it, then, one by one, I french kissed each guy, swapping saliva while I felt their cocks growing through their pants. I asked Gas Monkey if he wanted a taste, too. He most definitely did. After I was done, I saw a big group of people that just watched the whole scenario unfold and I became so aroused. My pussy throbbed and dilated in my panties.

Hitching a Ride from Mike Klumpp, Thrift Shopping with Slug, Gift of Peace Seeming to Be Out of Reach and Piggyback Rides from Jimmy Dean

As I was headed back to the field, I ran into Jimmy Dean and the rest of the day it became our mission to find our beloved Pink.
I was growing tired and it was about to get dark, so I said, “Okay, one more round around tent city!”
He piggybacked me through the bushes so I wouldn’t get touched by poison ivy, then said we had to listen for his raspy voice, instead of look for him visually.
Good point, I thought.
Almost immediately, we heard his laugh along with his smoker’s cough in between.
“PIIIINK!” we shouted.
Jimmy Dean threw me into his arms as Pink kissed me and gave me a long, deep hug. I cried from excitement when I saw him. His voice and presence felt so calming to me, despite his personality expressing anything but that.

Easy to Ply, Cock Blocks, Bruised Knees and Unwanted Foursome

Wisdom Empath picked me up early in the morning and shuttled me to the trail to finish up my section southbound. Everything was still wet and slippery from the late night rain and early morning dew. I saw my favorite flowers, lily of the valleys, dispersed and sprouting throughout the forest ground.
I felt so tired today. At one point, I fell asleep on a random dirt road when I was taking a break. I heard someone walk by and so I raised my head and opened one eye to find it was a really hot guy. All of a sudden, I perked right up and it was time for me to get up. I was tired, but never tired enough for some new cock.

Magnum Condoms, Explosive Beer, Deep Fried Oreos and My New Victim

My next move was to get to Bland to finish up a section. A woman and her friend were already headed in that direction, so they offered to give me a ride all the way there. The whole drive, all I could think about was cock and how desperately I wanted to get fucked by someone. I experienced intense waves of pleasure in my yoni as I became lost in fantasy. Maybe Spirit would align me with a cutie. Anything was possible.
They dropped me off at the outpost in the pouring rain. The weather didn’t look too promising for the rest of the day. I walked into the quaint little store and the first thing I saw was a hottie of a man sitting in the corner of the store. I assumed he was waiting on a meal. He was very tall, pale skinned, fully covered in dark tattoo sleeves and sported a nicely cut thick beard with strands of grey in between.
My new victim, I thought to myself.

Tinker Cliffs, Connecting with TheSunGod, Naughty Trail Messages and Delicious Pizza

We talked stories of our time on the other trails, joking about the trials we faced with weather and logistics and how vastly different those trails were in comparison to the AT. After we ate pizza, we went to get some ice cream. He found it weird that I ate it with a fork and gave it a try himself, but didn’t vibe with it.

Synchronistic Meeting, Faded Memories, Distracted by the Screen

What resonated for me was to be alone, so I stuck by it. Once I made it down to Route 56, I began hitchhiking and got picked up by a guy who was super into bird watching. It was perfect timing because the rain just began to hit the asphalt. I watched the way it would steam and the way the scent would come off the ground.
I closed my eyes and softly said, “I love this sound.”
I was brought back to vivid memories of my childhood when my parents were driving us back home from the airport after a vacation. I remembered the way the rain pitter pattered on the windshield with the fading sound of them talking, their voices drifting me to sleep. And then I thought about how trippy the concept of memories were, as I convinced myself that the past was real and that stuff actually happened.

Cuckolding Fantasy, Learning to Be Myself and Black Snake Guidance

“There is a clear boundary that my wife can fuck other men, but I can’t, because it wouldn’t turn either one of us on,” he said, “What gets me off is watching her get pleasured by another guy as I masturbate and watch. I love seeing her facial expressions as she gets lost in the moment by taking someone else's cock. My favorite is when she swallows his load or when he cums inside of her and then I get to come in and fuck her while I can still feel his load. It ends up being some of the best sex we ever had.”

Root Canal on Trail, Twisted Minds and Trail Magic Massage

I was really attracted to him. I thought about how much it would turn me on to give him a blowjob while he drove me around in his truck. Something about his nonchalant personality and tone of voice had me going ever since I met him.
“I have a twisted mind,” he shared.
“I do, too,” I said.
“Yeah, I know,” he said, “I could tell just by looking into your eyes.”

Praying to Fly Far Away, False Evidence Appearing Real, Paying the Price and Confessing My Sins in the Priest Shelter Log Book

I looked up at the sky and watched as the birds flew high above me. I envied their freedom and the way they appeared so out of reach. I remembered when I was a little girl, I used to pray to grow sparkly white angel wings so I could fly far away from this world. Every time I was on the road with my family, I used to ask my Dad to buy me wishing stones and, every single time, for years, I made the same wish.
But, God worked in mysterious ways. He grew me symbolic wings, that being, He gave me the strength to walk in my Faith, even on days I felt at my weakest. He would carry my weary body and lift me up in the moments where I felt I couldn’t carry the weight anymore. I was never alone, no matter how much the ego attempted to convince me I was. The delusional world had false evidence disguised as truth, when in fact, it was nothing short of chaos.

Helicopter Crash, Raging Balls of Hail, Cuckold Fantasy and Releasing the Daggers

I was a professional at convincing myself I was lost/hurt because of something that “happened” in the world. There was this apparent battle of wanting to form healthy romantic relationships while simultaneously wanting to fuck men and leave. But, there was willingness to trust, even when I didn’t see the results I desired to see on the surface.
Sometimes, I held so much faith in the body sense, but lately, when I felt the feeling of loss or the experience of heavy tears arising, my Spirit knew I was only just pretending. In the midst of the pain, I reminded myself I was just kidding, for I couldn’t really be sad. I was experiencing a perception of sadness and watching a dance of misery unfold. I painted pictures in my fantasy of how I wanted things to appear, but that was that—it was only but a fantasy.

Cartoons for Blue, Girl Time with Pringles, Awkward Flirting and Burning a Silver Maple Tree Stump

I came back home to Boo for the night. It was really nice to see him again after being out all day. We went out in his backyard to pass some time. There was a sweet, sharp scent of fresh cut grass and the nostalgic melody of oldies music playing through his speaker. He had a small bonfire going in the middle of his field, in attempt to burn out a dead tree trunk.
“I’ve been having a war with this silver maple stump,” he said, “I’ve tried everything for over a year and a half to get it out of the ground, but it just doesn’t seem to budge.”

Borrowing a Husband to Pleasure Me Before Hitching Back to Pearisburg

He told me sob stories of him and his wife and how things weren’t going well—a clear sign he wasn’t happy or committed to her at all. Easy victim, I thought to myself. I looked at him as I undressed his body with my eyes.
With a sultry voice, I moaned, “You’re so tempting, you know that?”
“Oh, you’re trouble,” he said.
I tilted my head slightly as I let out a gentle sigh, as if unsatisfied that I couldn’t have a taste of his thick European cock right then and there.
“We need to go on a drive,” he said.
I agreed. He walked me to his car that was parked directly in front of the hikers. We told them we would be back shortly. As soon as I got in the car, I felt my body buzz with a tingling excitement.
He was so handsome to me. His skin a delicious shade of mocha, with a trace scent of musky cologne and beer. As he reversed out of his driveway, I took his right hand and observed it to see if he would be a good candidate for feeling up my naked body. His palms and the back of his hands were covered in calluses and rough scars.
“Mm, hard worker,” I said as I placed his hand on my inner thigh.

Virginia Blues, Next Level Hiker Trash and Recognizing Your Freedom

Sometimes, I wished people could just snap out of it and recognize their life was meant for having fun and following where the inspiration guided them. On your death bed, it wasn’t going to matter if you worked a corporate job or what kind of car you drove. What was going to matter was the experiences you had and the love you shared along the way.

Feeling Sense of Being Interrupted, Wishing to Live in the Wild and Accepting Who I Appear to Be

I noticed I felt a lot more acceptant in owning the fact that I enjoyed experiencing multiple men. It was just the way I rolled when I was single and I didn’t feel called to hide it from anyone anymore, because in the end, I was only hiding it from myself. If someone resonated with where I was at, they would be in my life, if not, they would leave. It was okay for me either way and I didn’t hold anyone accountable to stay in my field. Regardless of what my actions appeared to look like on the surface, I knew it could change in an instant. So, I would be here until the patterns faded out, because sooner or later they would.

Favorite Shuttle Driver, Christians Struggling for Forgiveness, Small Town Living and Barn Camping

Eventually, they both got buzzed and played air guitar together to some background rock n’ roll music. Sean made me a rose out of a napkin while they played a few rounds of billiard.
Everyone knew them and they knew everyone—guess that was what it was like living in a small town. Boo gave me deets of the latest small town drama: where a meth lab used to reside, drama involving money between a drunk husband and ex-wife sitting at the bar and peoples’ latest love affairs.

Take Away My Pain, Finding Strength to Share, Zip Ties and Party Tent

He pressed on my fingernails to check my circulation—I felt needles and a sense of numbness forming quickly. The group started to walk back toward the car. I really wanted to be revealed as I was, covered in ropes and zip ties, letting everyone witness my being held captive. However, instead, he quickly wrapped his down jacket around me, just seconds before they opened the door. Knowing I was like a caged animal in heat, he smiled mischievously and, simultaneously, leaned over to kiss me while he opened the window to let in some fresh air.

Hiking Alone Versus with a Group, No Such Thing as Being a Victim, Dramatic Reunion with Voodoo and Playing Games with Myself

Overall, we had decided it would be best if we continued on our journey in separate ways. It felt easier for both of us, or at least more logical. Regardless, I was ready to slow down again in my mind. I was ready to be with God and to be relieved of the burdens I had been carrying—it had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. I didn’t want to hurt myself as I had been, and by hurting myself, I meant intentionally hurting others through the games I played, because really, the only person I was playing was myself.

Spending the Night at a Homestead, Visiting Voodoo Through a Logbook and the Misperception of Safety

Right before going to bed, Pusher fingered me, making me squirt onto the bed. My moans carried on beyond the walls where others could hear, fooling them into believing I was enjoying myself. I turned over and fell asleep in an air of aloofness, wishing to be somewhere happy. I wished to understand that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t want to just to receive a perception of safety and protection. I wished to know of how to experience that sense of peace full time, without attaching to the ego's promises of it being found in this fleeting world.

Dirty Girl and Spoiled Bitch, Voodoo Infiltrating My Mind as I Learn to Let Go

As we started walking again, he said, “I can still smell you on me. Your scent is addictive.”
Silence as my reply, he asked me what was on my mind.
“Voodoo,” I said.
In all honesty, I hadn’t stopped thinking about him since I parted ways with him. He had infiltrated my mind. There was no one who tasted like him or could make my pussy throb with such ease. His scent… intoxicating. I remembered how I would lay beside him at night, my face resting on his arm as he would breathe and I would inhale his very essence. His breath, that of fumes from a place I had long been searching for. He felt like home and I would run to him if only he would let me.

Undercooked Waffles, Surprise Dinner Date, Breath of Despair and Veiling the Pain in My Eyes

I asked him to sit on the same side of the booth as me so I could feel him close to me.
He started toying with my clit and teased me ever so gently with his words, whispering, "I'm thinking about letting you feel my throbbing cock right now, but I don't think you will since you like to disobey me so much."
My head fell back and I clenched my inner
thighs.
"Mm," he moaned, "your mouth is gonna look so good with my cock inside of it."
"Now," he informed, "hands on the table."
The restaurant full of people, I reached over to grab at his throbbing cock, in hopes he would understand that I couldn’t resist.

Dream Symbolism, Frustration with Drivers and Change of Direction

I had told him numerous times along the drive that he didn’t owe me a ride and that he could drop me off at the next exit—that there was no pressure or obligation to take me anywhere. I could tell where the energy was headed, sensing he expected a certain behavior out of me. He insisted to drive me further, so I rolled with the wave.

Class Presentation, Flirting with Ridgerunners and Annabelle the Crazy Shelter Rat

My energy was in a quiet space today. I felt really introverted and didn’t want to talk to anyone. It was funny because the moment I felt gratitude for the quietness, I made it down to the road and a massive bus pulled into the parking space. The second my foot touched the pavement, the driver opened the door and a bunch of kids came running out.
“For fucks sake,” I said under my breath.

There was a man on the plane who was sitting behind me. I overheard him talking to the guy beside him, sharing a story about how he picked up a hitchhiker girl one time and how they did LSD together. Eventually, she jumped out of the car when she started tripping too hard.
“She must’ve gotten psyched out about something,” he said.
I turned around and said, “I love your story.”
“Thank you,” he said, “have you ever hitchhiked before?”
I laughed at the irony of the situation and said, “Oh, let me tell you…”

Sometimes, I wished I could see my worth. I knew it lingered in my mind somewhere… deep down in the darkness I made to cover up my light. My pussy swollen from all the cocks I had been taking… inflated from fingering myself every night… fattened from using foreign objects to abuse my labia. Regardless of the physical and emotional pain I penetrated myself with, I still wanted to take his cock.
With warmth between my thighs and a wish to forget about my hollow life, I begged, “Come fuck me.”

I went out to eat with Knee Melter for one last hoorah before parting ways for the year. We got some sandwiches at the Toad and enjoyed the calm energy of the place, unlike the day prior. Something about being in his space brought me back to the days where I felt like a true adventurer. His energy reminded me of a time with more simplicity, a more authentic character trait in myself and a path directed towards what my heart desired.

When I was near the end of completing the road walk, Bud pulled up in his car. I smiled and hopped in the passenger seat as if I was a stranded hitchhiker in need of a ride. The second I got in, we started making out as if we were already lovers. His saliva tasted so deliciously sweet—I knew his pre-cum would be even better. I felt so excited to know I’d be getting a full taste of him soon. There was a trace scent of alcohol on his lips, but I didn’t mind—it added a hint of danger.

I really resonated with Huck El Berry’s energy. The moment I looked into his eyes, I could tell he was a genuinely chill guy. He was one of the most respectful men I had been around and he never once made me feel uncomfortable at any moment, which felt super wholesome after years of dudes trying to touch/hit on me while hitchhiking. I could be as I was without feeling I had to filter myself. He respected my space as if I was his sister. In my life experience, to experience a sense of safety/comfort in the presence of a man felt like a blessing. It was a message to myself of what kind of people existed and of whom I wanted to hang around with.

After she dropped me off, I decided to hitch for a couple more minutes before I called it for the day. Last guy that picked me up was a man named Miguel who was driving home to Louisiana. He said he would give me a ride as far as he could.
He played the song Tennessee Whiskey. I thought it was ironic because one of my rides last year played that song for me as they drove me to Silver City, NM. He also happened to be a Mexican guy who barely spoke English. Something about receiving synchronicities in my perception always reminded me that I was exactly where I needed to be.

I didn’t want to think about the feelings that were coming up and so I disguised them with the distraction of physical pleasure. I looked at him in his eyes and started to finger myself under the sleeping bag in the middle of a room full of people. He locked eyes with me so strongly knowing how much I was getting myself off. He would let out a sneaky smirk anytime someone walked directly by us. I loved doing things that only him and I knew were happening. That secret kind of flirting that was only shared between him and I.

I woke up feeling refreshed and excited to take on the day. I walked in the darkness and used my night time vision to scope out the trail. I witnessed a plethora of wildlife slowly wake up from their slumber while the cotton candy sky turned to sherbet and the golden orb began to make its appearance through the branches.
In the early afternoon, I met a group of wild goats who were very adamant about stealing my trekking poles and nibbling on my salty thighs. They started to become pretty aggressive and petty so I said my farewells to them.

As we watched the waves roll on by, she offered some advice on what she learned through her experience with men over the years. She helped me regain the confidence in myself and to hold courage for myself when it came to holding boundaries and expressing myself through vulnerability/femininity. She re-sparked in me what it meant to follow my heart and to remember that I was worthy of only the Highest Love.

Last night, Voodoo kept talking in his sleep, making comments about how he had to pee really bad.
I joked, “Don’t go into the bathroom, it’s a trap!”
After the fourth or fifth time of him bringing it up, I started fantasizing about him pissing himself.
I mumbled, “Just pee right here.”
Well, I received my wish. We woke up at the break of dawn to my sleeping bag completely soaked in his piss.

He brought the rope underneath my pussy and lifted the cord so that it would make a thong-like effect in between my slit; the cord slipping deeper in between my lips each time I forced my hands down. I began rubbing my clit back and forth against the rope, moaning while doing so. I saw his cock growing in his shorts with each slithering motion of the rope gliding against my body. He whipped his cock out of his shorts to show me how thick and hard he was for me.
“This is all for you,” he said.

I went hiking alone today to connect some dots of the section I accidentally skipped. I immediately felt a sense of home when I was off in the woods alone again. When I made it down to Laurel Fork Falls, I watched as the river of water flowed beneath my feet and I remembered how wholesome it felt to experience the sensation in solitude and silence. I got a confirmation that it was time to part ways with my lover.

He said, “You can’t look at me like that, especially when you’re dating someone else. It would crush him if he saw.”
I sat there in an air of aloofness.
He said the way I looked at him was addictive—as though I was his lover, teacher, God, brother and father all in one.
My eyes read, Just take me right now.
He caught my vibe and said, “Oh my god, you might as well just start touching yourself right here and now. I mean, you’re already halfway there.”

“There’s so many things I’m going to do to you when you’re in proper submission,” he mused, “when you’re fully gagged and blindfolded. On your knees, with your arms tied behind your back and then to your ankles.”
I started panting through the patterns of my breath, feeling like he was making love with me through the poetry of his words.
My mouth watered as he continued to paint the picture, “In the middle of the woods at 2am, only being able to smell me and feel my touch as you wonder if I’ve left you there… or if I’m right beside you. I’ll run the tip of my cock across your lips so you can taste my seed as a reward for not calling out in fear... for trusting that I wouldn’t leave you there all alone. And then, seeing the smile spread across your face as you greedily tongue the tip of my cock.”
He locked eyes with me and asked, “You wet yet?”

He made minimal noise when he was fucking me, no grunts or anything like that. His pleasure was revealed through his eyes and the intensity that his cock throbbed. I knew exactly what he meant when he said I made him feel like a man, because he just as much made me feel like a woman. Especially when he was on top of me, penetrating me not just with his cock but with his overall existence.

I felt sadistic. I knew I was playing head games with him. Part of the seduction process was to establish an emotional connection/bond. I would cry in front him, making him feel as if I depended on him. I could appear to attach to him, yet I knew in my heart that I could also leave him behind and move on to my next victim at any moment. I was talented at building the feelings up, just as I was talented at breaking people down. An artificial high to keep people at arms length, in fear of getting my heart broken.

Drool poured from out of my mouth. The deeper he filled my void, the more I wasn’t able to recognize that I was running from my own darkness. He took my drool and wiped it all over my face, then kissed me with his mouth wide open.
I recalled the way he first looked at me with those eyes and how much it made me want to cum upon first glance. It has only intensified to a white hot lightning since then. I yearned to get closer to him, but I was still light years away from him.

I kept looking over at him, wondering if he would let me feel his lips again… fantasizing about his erotic eyes locking with mine. I felt like I wanted him so badly, I just couldn’t be a good girl and sit still. I started touching myself, looking at his masculine-featured face and lean body to help get me off. He paused the movie and asked what my problem was. I smiled guiltily.
Then, he pushed me into the couch and started kissing me while I continued to finger myself. He put me into the spooning position, placed a blanket over us and started to engage physically with me. He grabbed hold of my hips as he thrusted that addictive cock into me. I could feel myself getting wetter and wetter the deeper he went. We were going hard in the heat of the moment when Susie opened up the door! Voodoo and I jumped, both flushed and covered in sweat.

He let go of his grip, stealthily walked behind me and unleashed a sharp scent of tobacco against the back of my neck. His presence caused my body to become hypersensitive as remnants of his cigarette ashes fell onto my skin. I had no idea where he was going or what his next move was—enticing me with wonder and fear. He let me relish in the bitter flavor of his lips—the nicotine leaving a lasting impression of nostalgia and desire. Toxic fumes luring me in… out of my control, drool poured from the bottom of my lip.

After filling our bellies up with food, we climbed up Unaka Mountain. We fell in love with the moss covered trees and all the shades of bright green hues scattered about—thought to myself how it would go well with the rope he carried. My baby had the same idea.
We dropped our packs right beside the trail and I asked, “How do you want me?”
He got the rope and started to untangle it while he looked for the center.
Undressing me with his eyes, he said, “Take your shorts off.”

I felt so blessed to be held by my lover in such a comforting space of warmth and protection. Sometimes, I wished I could grasp onto those moments in time, but then I remembered that everything was passing and to hold onto people and experiences lightly. When I allowed myself be guided from love and a wide open heart, then I didn’t have to worry if our paths would have a change of direction. I could just breathe, for the love we shared would last for lifetimes beyond. All that was required of me was to trust, surrender and be fully present with whomever was in front of me right now.

During our shower the heat stopped working, so we called out to Free and he switched the propane tank out. Shortly after it got going again, the nozzle started making a high-pitched noise and exploded into pieces! We busted out laughing and called Free again. Voodoo and I stood shivering covered in soap suds, looking like a bunch of cold naked hippies.

“Raise your hands,” he commanded.
He took the bulky black rope and threw it over the tree, mimicking a bear hang. He had me stand on my tippy toes as he tied up my wrists—said he wanted me to be nearly hanging.
Once my wrists were tied tight, he lifted my shirt to expose my breasts. Then, he took the green rope and formed a triangular pattern on my sternum for a center hold. He looped the rope through, locking it from various angles, then wrapped it over and around my breasts. He brought it up over my shoulders, down and around my back, then wrapped it around my torso as he finished it off by spiraling the rope around my thighs.
I said, “Baby, my hands are going numb.”
“Mm, I bet,” he dismissed.

His movements grew hostile as he brought the rope underneath my armpits and behind my back. He tied it tight around my torso while he secured my forearms and wrists together behind me. I told him my arms were going numb and in a disregarding tone he said, “Huh. Good to know.” He grabbed the loop between my wrists, jerking my body towards his and said, “I can throw you around whichever way I want and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

He double checked as he made sure my entire body was fully locked and escape-proof. Then, he grabbed the knife on the bed stand. Gripping the handle, he placed the blade below my neck… adding pressure as I lifted my chin. My breath became present to me. Slowly, he grazed the knife’s tip down my cleavage… my ribs… my stomach… curving the sharp edge all the way down the sides of my ass. He said, “I’m just having too much fun with you.”

When it came to sharing feelings about an apparent “problem”, I would prefer to keep things to myself, for I knew that anytime I experienced a judgement of a person or a situation, that I was fully responsible for making it that way. If I felt an energy of anger or blame, I would prefer to be in a state of silence and hand it over to the Holy Spirit instead. I knew that people couldn’t really give me the comfort I was looking for, so often times it felt like a waste of energy to try and lean on them.

A few of us hikers sat by the fireplace early in the morning as we enjoyed a warm cup of coffee. Voodoo found a new pair of Lone Peak shoes in the hiker box and threw his old ones up on a tree branch. We were all packed up and ready to go, but it often took some internal motivation to get going.

I sat naked on the bed for him—his eyes scanning my body to see where he wanted to place the rope. He started by tying my breasts, moving the rope in loops and knots—the cord gripping my skin as he tightened it. I was so surprised because I, myself, was a professional rope artist and I couldn’t figure out how he was coming up with the knots. I was impressed by how symmetrical the design was, unfazed by any intricacy.

He said, “I’m trying to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin. I came to hike alone and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting. In the past I was using drugs, alcohol, people, places, things, pussy to feel things so I didn’t have to look within. Now, it’s different. Now, I’ve been sober for almost two years and I’m faced to look within.”

Checkmate, Beans and I started our hitch back towards Newfound Gap. It was their first time hitchhiking and I could feel their impatience with it. We only waited a couple of minutes before Beans made a comment about getting a shuttle. I laughed, “Give it a minute.” Hitchhiking taught the lesson of patience. It was also a reminder to trust that the perfect ride was on the way—it could take five minutes or five hours—that was the joy of the experience.

I, too, witnessed similar thoughts about people arise, but when I recognized they were about me and no one “out there”, I would let them run their course while removing any meaning I had about them. Every person I apparently perceived was coming out of my own mind, period. So, whatever perception I had of a person was what I was making of them.
Paradoxically, everyone had a story that I knew nothing about. I felt as if I had a gift of being able to see through people and read between the lines. The surface personality that someone showed didn’t feel like it meant much to me. I looked at it more as a layer of what they were trying to hide or conceal over anything else. Receiving that perception between Voodoo and Beans was healing for me as I took it as a reminder to take a step back before making a judgement (about myself).

I called to Pink, “The toilet is clogged! Please help!! Just don’t look at my poop!!!” He bursted in and yelled, “It’s okay, I’m a man! I got it!” He opened and closed the top tank, then said, “Hold on, I have to pee!” Hysterical, I yelled, “You can’t, the water is rising!” He peed in the shower instead and continued to get down to business.

I thought of all the survival shows I used to watch, “We have to use each other’s body heat to warm up.” I told Checkmate to get into my sleeping bag. He goes, “Is there enough room?” I said yes! He was only able to get half of his legs in. With his knees pressing into my spine, we laid there for a couple of minutes and he goes, “What the fuck. This isn’t sustainable!!” I defended, “No! No! This is good! I can feel the heat!“ He goes, “Yeah, that’s because you’re sucking all the heat out of me. You’re like a fucking leech!” Silence came over us after the laughter subsided. Checkmate goes, “This is rock bottom.” Sasquatch adds, “It’s so cold, this is the kind of weather that makes me want to cuddle with a grown man. I'm secretly wishing Beans would show up right now to spoon me.”

He released his breath into my mouth as I inhaled it—I was brought back to tantric memories as we built the tension with our breathing over the course of 45 minutes. I felt we had stopped the world from spinning in the space that was him and I. Through the pitch black darkness we danced our way through intuitive guided movements… our lips now less than a speck of dust apart.

When Tarzan came back, I told him about my crush for Pinto. She had bought me a cookie from the bakery so I sat down beside them to eat it. In a seductive tone, he said to Pinto, “We should bring Freyja over to our place.” She blushed, “Oo things could get real naughty.” We both started giggling; I could tell we wanted to experiment, but we were both coming off a bit shy. Tarzan eased the tension, “I’ll show you the way.”

Wrapped in my sleeping bag on the top story of the shelter, Pink laughed and said I looked like a caterpillar. Beans showed up when I was nearly asleep and Pink asked me to wiggle my feet to mimic a caterpillar that was about to burst out of its cocoon.

The vibe of the place felt as though we were coming home to a warm bed after a long day of hard work. We dropped our packs, the boys took a quick shower and then Kenny drove us to the food truck to get some burgers! We all put our orders in and sat at the picnic tables as we waited. With dirt still on my legs, one of the boys looked at me and asked, “You’re not going to shower?” I let out a sigh, looked him dead in the eye and with a seductive tone said, “Nope. I prefer being dirty.”

Only a few minutes before dark, I lead Checkmate under the bridge. I got on my knees and helped him unbuckle his pants. As soon as I took out his cock, I blushed and said, “I don’t think I could handle all of this right now.” I placed my wet tongue below the head of his cock and started sucking. I could feel the veins of his cock rise on the surface of my tongue, inviting me to play.

Spidy drove us back to the top of the mountain and Castles and I hung out in our nest for the night. He kept the fire going as we talked about where we came from and about our belief systems. He studied purely Calvinism whereas I was over here talking about sex cults and orgies. So fun witnessing the plethora of people on trail and all the different types of backgrounds they came from.

I felt as if the body sense felt so real in the moments I experienced those urges. I could sense the little girl inside me just wanted to be loved. I didn’t know where I got mixed up down the trajectory of life thinking love meant it had to do with my body or getting myself off through someone else’s body. I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me the strength to see it differently. I asked to be relieved from the suffering. Most wouldn’t view sexual urges as a form of suffering, however anything that was idolized or claimed to give relief in the world was a form of suffering.

I did a little overview in my mind of the past few months. I remembered how just under a month ago (and the entire winter) how depressed I felt. I wondered why I self-sabotaged myself by going back to a place that I loathed, just to spend time with family. And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved spending time with my family—it was very important to me—but not worth sacrificing my own happiness. I then noticed how I felt when I was on trail. Genuinely joyful and giddy—felt as if I was laughing 99% of the time. Sometimes, it took me a while to put two and two together and to accept the fact that I preferred to live a simple life.

I took the protractor and outlined some faint lines for a mandala. I breathed into the moment and gave space for the inspiration to blossom. Some hikers sat behind me and asked all about my hiking adventures as I gave them a live art show. They took notice to my macramé rings and so I took them off my fingers and gave one to each person that was sitting there. I told them I had been wearing them since the PCT in 2019 and that I was ready to let go of them.

I guess it will never be—at least not at this moment in time. I feared to my core that with another person I would draw back from the wild and often intense situations that led me to the richest experiences. The escapades on the road and on trail felt as though they brought me to the edge of my salvation. And it appeared that the path of solitude was the avenue I was given to receive the deepest insights that would over time blossom into self-reflective awakenings.

Be gentle with those you claim to hate for they are only coming out of your own mind. The burden you put on them is weighing on your own heart, not theirs. Let go of the need to control people and have them behave a certain way, because you don’t really want them to be different as they are. You actually need them to be exactly as they are in order to see that you’re making them that way, all for the purpose of healing. If you see them as anything less than holy innocent, you’re having a misperception. And, you can celebrate, because you’re making it all up!

Before we went to bed, Wheelbarrow gave me a massage gun used for releasing muscle tension. I put it on the lowest setting, placed it on the side of my butt and said, "Woah! This thing is 5x more powerful than my vibrator!” He laughed out loud, “Dual purpose.”

It was announced that a tornado touched down in Amicalola and was headed our way. As of then, we were only experiencing a “pre-storm.”Castles stands up and yells, “Well shit! I’m gonna go put my socks on!” None of us knew what that had to do with anything but we fully supported him.

The shelter was fully packed by noon. We filled out the hiker log and ate lunch/dinner. Pink asked if he could have one of my macramé rings so I let him pick his favorite. He put it on his ring finger and I quickly noticed mine was on my ring finger, too. I joked, “Guess we’re trail husband and wife!”

He took a hit of his joint and said, “We’re all just in a single file festival line walking from Georgia to Maine.”

At the airport, I took a seat by my gate and a wave of uplifting energy came over me—as if there was life in my veins after spending four long grueling months of feeling quite “bleh” in the southwest suburbs of Chicago. Yet, spring was on the horizon and I was finally coming out of my shell. The hiking bug got me yet again and I smiled to myself, for I knew what followed my desire to walk was my passion for writing.