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Birthday Tears, Tired of Blaming People For My Sadness, Family Having Trouble Accepting Me and Time Constructs Imprisoning Our Mind

What in the actual fuck is a birthday? Who the heck made up days and months and years? Oh that’s right, it was me. It’s a made up construct to keep myself imprisoned in the idea of time… It’s not real! Imagine if no one knew their age. There would be no pressure to act a certain way at a certain age, or to have certain things accomplished by a certain age.

Tendency to Romanticize Relationships and Make Sex into Something Meaningful

He touched me softly in the hot springs and I remember feeling so absolutely loved. He took me to any destination I wanted to go and showed me how to discover the depths of tantric love. The way he knew how to grab me roughly, then seconds later kiss me with tenderness, whispering sweet words with that voice that felt like heaven. We danced near the river and took walks amongst endless paths of fallen autumn leaves.

Supported By the Universe, Change of Perspective, Seeds Planted

I felt like God brought Clyde to me as a messenger to remind me that I am so loved and taken care of. That I am supported, and that I am appreciated. It’s like he came to show me my worth, even when I can’t see it sometimes. Or, I should say, when I’m making the choice not to see it.

Turning on the Light, A Knowing, Not Gone For Long

I ask God to show me the Light of which I am made and I envelop myself in His warm, everlasting Love. Now, I can find the effortless strength to remind my brothers and sisters of Who They Are... and together, hand in hand, we watch the illusions dissolve before our eyes... all of the paths to Heaven disappear beneath each step. We made it Home. I am Home.

Prayer to God

Thank you for showing me through these apparent hardships that I am held by Your Love the entire time. Even through the trials, I can’t help but come back to the You.

Sick of Feeling Obligated to Sleep With Random Men, Off Trail Adventures and Finding God in Baskin Robins

It seemed like all day I was trying to be slutty so this guy would fuck me and I was tired. I felt physically and mentally tired of playing the ditsy chick, and when I came home, I felt cozy and safe. I laid down on the beanbag, closed my tired eyes and turned on my Christian music. Shortly after, Isaiah came to join me. At first he leaned on the beanbag/me as though he was praying and he closed his eyes and felt the music with me. Shortly after, he fell asleep with me.

Inflatable Tube Man For the Win

As I danced, I remembered there wasn’t really anyone there and so I found myself relaxing even more. Then I just went crazy and started dancing like the inflatable tube man and like a crab.

Spirit Meeting Itself

Each walk up a mountain, between the pine trees, across the river, there were my Angel Guides. There was my Spirit, meeting Itself.

Grateful For the Men Who Led Me Back to My Natural Self

I am grateful for the men who stroked their fingertips along my hairy legs and had a look of awe in their eyes. I am grateful for the men I met throughout my travels who adored me as I ran naked and wild, with twigs and pines tangled in my hair… the men who danced with me, who met me at my wildness. You know who you are and I love you.

My Tribe is Here and Coming

My tribe is always here and always coming. Those who understand me and my way of thinking always show up, and when I find myself alone, I am joyous.

Everyone is Always Right, Celibacy Vs. Promiscuity, Enjoying the Ride

I have experienced both celibacy and promiscuity over and over again and I have come to see how both are meaningless. It's the feeling behind everything you find yourself thinking/doing that has an impact, and why not have fun by agreeing with everyone? Everyone’s perception is 100% right for the sole reason that it’s a perception, not reality!

Making Love on the Floor in Serendipity

As I was laying there, there were red Christmas lights above me creating the perfect glow… I also got glittered up with make up so I felt like a little girl. There were wine glasses and candles in the background. Luke tasted like vodka/wine and something about that really turned me on. It reminded me of rebelliousness. I’ve always been drawn to that feeling. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted and the exact spots to grab me, roughly.

On the Run or On a Walk of a Lifetime?

Any moment I’ve felt upset, the first instinct I have is to walk. Other times, it’s to run. Something about the sound and feeling of my footsteps on gravel, dirt, grass, snow and lava reminds me of the strength I hold. Strength of love, not of body.

Meeting Isaiah’s Dad at the Trading Post

Moral of the story, that was a great way to be introduced to someone’s family because all of the pressure of it was gone and I felt free to embody who I am in this moment—my hairy legs, lingerie outfit wearing hippie self!

Making Him Jealous, Observing My Intentions Are Beginning to Feel Unsatisfying and Having Fun No Matter Which Way it Goes

Although I am aware of these truths, I never know what this character ‘Goda’ is going to do. Sometimes I find myself having so much fun being on my own, traveling, meditating. Other times, I have fun when I am making love with strangers, selling myself, acting like prey. I enjoy observing the way I feel energetically.
What is my intention?
Am I in touch with God?
What can I learn here?
These things of the world are not holy or unholy in and of themselves, it is the energy behind everything. I feel an openness to see with new eyes, to go beyond the glamorization of sex and to just have fun with it rather than seeking or rejecting it because THAT is where the distraction is. It’s as simple as have fun and play when it comes up AND have fun and play when it doesn’t come up.

Finding it in My Heart to Relate Again, Learning That It’s Okay Not to Shave, That I Am Accepted if I Just So Allow It

And it feels like I’m opening up to a new relationship and I’m kissing someone new when just recently I thought it was going to be absolutely impossible for me to relate with anyone ever again. Here I am, experiencing love with a man again. I can see more clearly this time around. Anytime I feel like projecting, I go within now… not every time, but I’m learning as the moons come and go.

‘Child of God’ or ‘Slut Who’s Asking For It’

Trying to get your body to look a certain way is a complete distraction for what the body is actually meant for. The body is a means for communication. Our minds attract ONLY for the purpose of healing. Thinking that our bodies attract for sex, food, or income is just another distraction attempting to cover up our true purpose. Our sole desire is allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us as we remind our brothers and sisters of our true Home.

Family Sex Cults, Saying ‘No’ to Sexual Energy Being Offered and Feeling Like a Virgin at Kehena

She was in a sex cult until about 15 or 16, getting molested by family members. I felt like I was listening to a horror story and she was feeling so lighthearted about it.
She said, “I was 6, teaching a 10-year-old how to have sex for him to teach me math. I was learning third grade math while I was in first grade! He’s probably my age now and remembers me, thinking to himself, Hmm that was weird.”

Game of Denial and Projection

I can see how my ego wants to believe that when sadness comes up, it’s justified by something in the world, but God reveals to me time and time again that that’s simply not true.

Body is a Means For Communication and Getting a Tattoo of a Dragonfly For My Spirit Guide

Trying to get your body to look a certain way is a complete distraction for what the body is actually meant for. The body is a means for communication. Our minds attract ONLY for the purpose of healing. Thinking that our bodies attract for sex, food, or income is just another distraction attempting to cover up our true purpose. Our sole desire is allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us as we remind our brothers and sisters of our true Home.

First Time Vending in Hilo

They encouraged me to have faith and reminded me that it took at least a year for every vendor to get the hang of it and to raise the vibration of their aura to be confident in marketing.
One woman came up to my table and said, “See that woman over there?”
“Yes.” Her booth was huge and professional.
She continued, “Well, she was in the exact same spot as you were; upset and wondering what she was doing wrong... so you’re on the right track.”

Being Taught That the Waking World is a Dream Through a Nighttime Dream

I thought about the movie Inception and felt upset that I didn’t have an object to remind me that I was in fact dreaming, and so I closed my eyes, took a breath and whispered to Simas, “I just know that it’s a dream… I know it seems really really real, but something inside of me is telling me not to be afraid, because nothing is really happening. We are only dreaming.”

Motivated Towards Minimalism, Leaving Behind Luxury, Feeling Drawn to Puna and the Gifts it Bears

Fields of lava surrounding me, pathways of sharp red cinder and wispy pine trees flowing in the wind. And on the other side, heaping mango trees providing shade for when I walk barefoot along the Red Road. An ancient forest kissed by large jungle leaves, vines coming down to my shoulders, covered with feisty fire ants. The purifying ocean only a couple of miles away, to visit for when I felt called to wash away my apparent hurts and perceptions of my past. Then, the unforgettable lighthouse a bike ride away for when I wanted to climb and feel the depths of the warm wind whispering to me, You are loved.

Naked Mermaid at Mermaid Ponds, Playing the Fantasy and Playing it Cool in Order to Get Laid

He goes, “I’ve tried to recreate our moments with other girls and it’s not even close. It’s never the same. Our moments were unforgettable. I remember them so clearly.”
We got there and I got naked. He led me into the water. I love his hands. He looked at me with wonder. As we got all the way in, I caught him sneaking a peek at my naked breasts, so I smiled and wrapped my body around his and laughed.

Revisiting Pele on the Big I, Getting Seduced by a Porn Star, Number 177

He told me to wrap my legs and arms around him.
“Like this?” I asked.
He lifted me up and threw me onto the pillows and began to insert himself. I was moaning with my head falling back.
He smiled and said, “Hey, that's only the tip.”
I couldn’t believe it. I had to mentally relax my mind and body just to let him in. Slowly, he started pushing inch by inch, deeper and deeper.
His cock felt never ending, and when I thought it was finally all the way in, he goes, “So do you want it all the way in?”

Small Percentage of ‘Good Men,’ Evidence For the Ego, Sensitive Heart

She went on to tell me how I’m too sensitive on this topic of guys and that she didn’t want me to have an expectation that they were good men because that would’ve ruined my life and I would’ve gone blaming her. I attempted to explain that the reason I’m sensitive to the topic is because I grew up learning that all men will cheat, and I need to accept that so I can be happy. And then to tell me that there’s only a really small percentage of men that are good made me feel as if I was not worthy enough to have that percentage.

Looking at Other Women, Wisdom of Papaya Farms Road and Curiosity For the Ego

A few days ago, I asked Hope if I could hang out with her one on one and she said yes. She picked me up and brought me to her place. It was such a homey energy and family-like. She brought me to Aureliya’s cabin, her daughter, and we talked about relationships. I told her how I get bothered when Ivan looks at other girls, how it feels like a stab in the heart.

She reminded me that the only reason it hurts when he looks at other girls is because I think I need him.

Takes a Manipulator to Know One, Deserving of Pain

He apologized a few times for pushing me and yelling at me. I told him there was no need to apologize because I deserved it. That pain I felt from him was a projection of the battle that has been going through my head. That’s all it was. The dream in my mind being played out on the so-called physical plane. I realized I didn’t need to suffer from a victim mentality and to rather see it for what it was-my own mind. I am whole. I am healed.

Magic Conch Shell, Heart’s Intention, Everyday Battle in My Mind and Longing to Listen to a Stranger

Today he became frustrated with me and asked, “Why does every day have to be a battle for you? Why can’t you just relax into life?”
I said, “I don’t think of it as a battle. I think of it as learning and growing. You have to keep in mind that I don’t think the way you do.”
I share everything with Ivan. My true, vulnerable thoughts and feelings from one extreme to the other, and sometimes, I don’t enjoy the space that it is being shared in.

Noticing How Often I Want to Be Alone, Side Venture to a Hot Tub Party, Seeking Attention Through Sadness and Hitching in the Dark

I told him how often I find myself trying to be alone. Every time I feel negative emotions, and every time I experience fear, I say stuff such as, “I want to be alone” or “I need some time.” Then I’ll go on a walk and bring my diary along with my music. The longer I’m with myself, the more sane I feel. Maybe I’m meant to be alone…
What if no one is ever good enough?
What if I were to get into a new relationship and then later on I would want something ‘better’ down the line?
It’s a never ending quest.
I laughed at myself and said, “I don’t know what I want, Akim.”
With a smile, he said, “Well, sit with yourself long enough and maybe you’ll figure it out.”

No Such Thing as a Victim, Seeds Planted in My Mind, Pursuing Stripping in Honolulu

We need to own up to our feelings instead of victimizing and blaming. I say, ‘poor me, unfair things happened to me,’ what I really mean is, ‘I’m addicted to receiving sympathy, therefore, I am creating situations constantly to receive sympathy.’ I didn’t realize how this also makes one completely oblivious to their own power. When you claim those things ‘happen’ to you, you are giving away your power of understanding that you are a CREATOR.

Distraught About Ivan Going to a Strip Club, Learning That My Beliefs Aren’t Matching Up With My Heart and Learning That the Sense of Jealousy Comes From an Idea of Separation

She smiled and said, “First of all, ask yourself, why are you dating someone that goes to strip clubs?”
She was telling me how I was putting meaning into my thoughts, and how it brought out my feelings.
“Be thankful for your feelings,” she said, “because they show you what your heart wants. Your feelings are showing you that your beliefs aren’t matching up with your heart.”

Chasing the Lava Flow, Love is Safe and Laying on the Roof of His Car Watching Shooting Stars

There were moments of laughter, then moments of silent walking and meditation. I enjoyed the fluctuations.
We found so many different types of lava! We came across some wheats that were taller than us and I opened my arms and just fell onto my back and onto the ground, letting out a loud laugh. The laugh felt so authentic and free. I’m so grateful that when there is the undeniable space of love and truth that people naturally become open and vulnerable. Love is safe.

Truth Speaks No Words

He said, “Because you argued with the first thought, you became confused. Now there are two thoughts. Then you argued with those two thoughts and now you need antidepressants. Then you argued with those thoughts, and now you need to see a psychologist.”

Home is Where the Heart Is, Enjoying Less and Falling in Love With the Process

Over time, I learned that it’s not the house itself that I was attached to, it was the memories. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I realize that if I move in, it won’t ever be the same. My family won’t be there. My friends across the street won’t be there. And then I thought about the house itself. It is way too big. The bunk I live in now is the perfect size and I am grateful to be living outside rather than being trapped between some walls. AND I learned that home is where your heart is not the actual place/location.

Roadtrip to the Other Side of the Island, Nostalgic Memories of Childhood, Stargazing in the Back of a Pickup

My eyes were closed and the wind was speaking nostalgia. I was brought back to childhood memories. The one where Paulius and I were jumping on the trampoline and the one where I was catching fireflies and the one where my brother and Logan were skateboarding by the church on a rainy summer day. I heard the faint sounds of my mom cooking in the kitchen. The nostalgia felt like a blanket of warmth engulfing me.

Dropping Acid at Secrets Beach, Gummy Worm Murder Scene and Eye Gazing With My New Lover

As we were laying down, I began to pour sand on his arm. I said his arm was the sand and the rocks were tall volcanic boulders. I smiled because I remembered having that childlike imagination when I was very young. I began building a palace from there. I found random trash on the beach and made it into art. I used the trash as furniture, then made a throne and placed a gummy worm on it. I chewed off a part of the gummy worm’s back so he would be able to sit up straight.
Then, I collected pieces of unblossomed fruit flowers and began to make a fence.
I claimed it to be a candy corn fence and then Ivan said, “Or they could be traffic cones!”
He got excited with me because he knew my obsession for traffic cones.

Special Love Relationships, Everything is a Placebo Effect and Laughing at the Silliness of Illusions

She blew my mind with so many things that I had difficulty understanding. We talked a lot about how illusionary bodies were and to pay attention to the things I said. For instance, the term ‘we’ implied that there were others. Then, she crushed everything I ever knew about food. Just obliterated it. She said that everything in this world was a placebo effect, from food to essential oils to medicine.

Motorcycle Ride Down Pohoiki, La La Land and Expectations Being Put On Me

Was it that weird that I didn’t want to socialize? I truly wanted to be by myself. I felt guilty that I didn't want to be with my friends, but at the same time I didn’t want to feel forced into hanging out with people. Oh, I just need to take a breath. I have to accept that I can’t change what someone thinks and that it would be a waste of my own energy trying.

Demons/Entities Come From Your Mind, Fears of Not Being Enough and Feeling Through Past Pain

I had quite the journey on Saint Pedro. I was having an amazing trip, but Basil and Arrow kept freaking out because they couldn’t find their daughter, North. They started freaking out so intensely that most of the trip, they convinced themselves that the demons and evil spirits were attacking them. I honestly just couldn’t vibe with the entire situation. Lots of people at Cinderland believed in evil spirits/entities, but I just didn’t think those things truly existed. I felt that all there was is love and that we created our own reality, so if one thought there was negativity and evil spirits, that’s what they would manifest into their reality. Simple as that.

Sneaking into a Lava Tube, Nearly Fainting on Mauna Kea, Ivan Recognizing Psychotic Behavior and Pinky Promises to Stay in Love

I’m afraid of becoming my father. And I shouldn’t be. He’s psychotic. I’m afraid my brother might be, too. But I shouldn’t be afraid of that. He’s kind hearted and I know that to be true. But my father is guilty and he can’t acknowledge it, even to his own sons. He tried murdering my mother and I’m suspecting it’s something I needed to know. I spent 24 hours in jail to experience what he felt and I know his fear.

Lessons to be Learned, Asking Questions and Recognizing My Patterns

“Don’t just never talk to someone again just because you don’t vibe at all. You need to stay with what you’re feeling and allow yourself to learn something. For all you know, you’re playing a huge role in Ivan’s life right now. You could be teaching him love—something he may be unfamiliar with.”

Learning About Zodiac Signs, Mother/Daughter Energetic Tension, Taking a Life and Accepting Change

“You have to understand that people change. You change. You’re only hurting yourself by holding expectations. You made these expectations, only you. And now that it’s not unfolding the way that you want it to, you're under the assumption that something is wrong, but nothing is wrong. People just change. It’s like when you were a child and people kept coming to you saying, ‘My, look at how much you’ve grown!’ You, yourself, didn’t notice, but other people did. That stuff happens all the time, love. Don’t grow attached to it. Everything is all good.”

Free the Nipples, Tantric Threesome, Opening and Aligning our Chakras, Extreme Cuddling

Jimmy caught on to what we were doing and made a comment saying we were making him excited. He was caught off guard, but happily surprised.
He got some coconut oil, got behind Michael and began thrusting into him, joining us. It was all very playful. I saw Michael’s face transform, receiving an experience of pure bliss. The way they held me, kissed me, caressed me made me so open to receive the abundance of love they were giving. For the first time I realized what it was like to make love and feel oneness, to feel balanced in my body, mind and Spirit, to feel all of my chakras fully aligned.

Ecstatic Dance Experience, Jesus Reincarnated, Flow of Love in Pele’s Womb and Twirling Underneath the Ironwood Pines

We formed a huge cuddle session in the warmth of the water as if we were in Pele’s womb. We began to touch each other, massaging each other. I felt the love off of everyone. Everyone was kissing. Everyone was hugging. Boy to boy. Girl to girl. Boy to girl. I loved how they emitted their sexuality instead of trying to repress it. We released our sexual energy on one another. Everyone eventually left the pond, one at a time, leaving only Casey and I behind.

Sharing Toddy at Sirius Café, Reunited Through Billions of Past Lives, Body Rumbling with Laughter and Undeniable Connection

And so the conversation began. He looked like a mixture of Noah’s face, Joey’s body and Tarzan‘s hair. But his eyes—oh my God—his eyes. They had me hooked. His name was Michael Hayes.
He started talking about the duality of life and how we needed to experience the bad to understand the good. He compared it to being wired like a computer but that the negative thoughts we experienced were all invalid and coming from somewhere else because we were only love.
We would talk about life, the Universe, nature, everything! We were contradicting each other's beliefs and expanding each other's consciousnesses. He passionately started talking about love and I started to passionately fall in love. We both could feel that we had been through billions of past lives together just by looking into each other's eyes. I knew him.

Patterns and Music of the Universe, Finding Out What I Like, 100% Natural Woman

I have been wanting to be 100% natural, but I realized how caught up I had been in other people's perceptions all these years and how strongly I was going against my own intuition.
I have been so grateful to have been surrounded by such empowering women living the example of natural beauty. It helped me realize that I had NOTHING to be afraid of! If people liked me 100% natural, awesome. If they didn’t, awesome! I was okay with it either way. We all had preferences, but my preference was not to rip hairs out of my body anymore that have always belonged there. I found them cute. I don’t feel like damaging my body anymore and getting scars and ingrown hairs from it. Thank you Universe for allowing me to break free. I am so grateful.

What I Learned Through My First Ayahuasca Ceremony

I took a journey while tripping on Ayahuasca. I don't feel like the same energy I once was. My life feels as though it has shifted in consciousness. I felt God working through me. I understood energies, patterns and sacred geometry. I noticed I wasn't letting myself vomit because it felt like I was protecting my ego; I was scared but when I vomited, it didn't feel physical, but rather felt as though I was releasing old habits, fear and irrational thought.

Naked Yoga in Hawai’i, Feeling Energies and Vibrations, Octopus Bowl for a Lover

I am happy. I can truthfully say that I am happy at this moment. It’s funny. It feels as though I found this place before. It feels as though I have lived here before. Everything feels so natural. So second nature. When I got here, I got the sudden feeling as though I was saying “I’m back“ or “home, we meet again.“ What a fascinating phenomenon. I’ve been feeling energies and vibrations so much stronger.

Unnecessary Detour to the Emergency Room, Soggy Cereal, Hippies in a Crystal Shop and Energy Circle in a Pickup Truck

I felt as if I’ve been rolling on ecstasy and it has been too high of a peak, almost overwhelming. The past few days being in Hawaii, I’ve been feeling as though I overdosed on bliss. It has been beautiful, but also overwhelming.
I felt like a changed person after that experience. I have changed. I already know that when I come home I’m going to be crazy as heck. I’m going to be naked and I’m going to give people deep hugs. I’m going to give myself my all. Not for anyone else.

Feel the Love, Becoming Courageous and Releasing Excuses

Man, the only thing we need is to become courageous. Why are we so afraid to live a life that treats our soul with ease? Why are we afraid to think differently than how we were taught? Well, let me tell you, I'm far past being afraid and I continue to shine myself forward despite anything and anyone.

Leaving the Painland Behind, All Natural Women, Observing My Brothers and Sisters, Zodiac Signs and Reiki Healing

I can’t help but stare at people. One of my favorite things in the world is to watch human connection. I enjoy observing beauty. There is a drum circle happening at the moment and they’re singing a version of “Rivers of Babylon”. I feel like I’ve known these people all my life. I feel like I have found my long lost brothers and sisters and the question still ponders my mind.
What was I so afraid of?
What is everyone so afraid of?

Dining Room 4, Trent Sending Me Off with Memories and Understanding my Emotional Distance

Right after we finished, I said, “Get me a Coke.”
He goes, “I’ll bring it right out.”
I don’t know why I said that. I don’t even drink Coke.
I left without saying goodbye. It was funny. I found I had sex with these ‘fuck buddies’ very easily, yet when it came to people I truly liked I tremendously enjoyed learning how to kiss them and going through all those ‘awkward mistakes.’
Tomorrow, I fly out to Hawaii. Maybe going there will be good for me. Maybe I’ll learn how to move past this addictive feeling and maybe I’ll begin to understand why I have this emotional distance towards men.