He touched me softly in the hot springs and I remember feeling so absolutely loved. He took me to any destination I wanted to go and showed me how to discover the depths of tantric love. The way he knew how to grab me roughly, then seconds later kiss me with tenderness, whispering sweet words with that voice that felt like heaven. We danced near the river and took walks amongst endless paths of fallen autumn leaves.

God told me that the best moments I could possibly think of, including those memories of myself crying tears of joy, all of those memories were absolutely nothing compared to the joy that is waiting for me in heaven.

Sometimes, I still have sex with random people just because I feel like that’s what I have to do to be liked/acknowledged, but that way of thinking is becoming extremely unattractive for me. It feels like I can’t run away from the Truth anymore.

He fell down beside me and cried like a baby. I felt awful. I knew I was responsible for his reaction. I was intending to harm him. I got what I apparently wanted and quickly realized it was a false wanting. I was hurting my brother.

I felt like God brought Clyde to me as a messenger to remind me that I am so loved and taken care of. That I am supported, and that I am appreciated. It’s like he came to show me my worth, even when I can’t see it sometimes. Or, I should say, when I’m making the choice not to see it.

I came back to the Big Island island a few days ago and I’ve been feeling sort of flabbergasted the past week. My ex, Simas, is coming any day now, and for some reason I’ve been experiencing tension, almost an annoyance type energy.

You are lighting the way back to innocence.

Thank you for showing me through these apparent hardships that I am held by Your Love the entire time. Even through the trials, I can’t help but come back to the You.

God is with you in those simplest moments… the question is, are you with Him?

It seemed like all day I was trying to be slutty so this guy would fuck me and I was tired. I felt physically and mentally tired of playing the ditsy chick, and when I came home, I felt cozy and safe. I laid down on the beanbag, closed my tired eyes and turned on my Christian music. Shortly after, Isaiah came to join me. At first he leaned on the beanbag/me as though he was praying and he closed his eyes and felt the music with me. Shortly after, he fell asleep with me.

The trees were tall and endless, surrounded by fog and mist. My hair moist, I felt nostalgic of Washington. Everything was so silent, so silent you could hear your own thoughts.

Each walk up a mountain, between the pine trees, across the river, there were my Angel Guides. There was my Spirit, meeting Itself.

It doesn’t touch Who I Really Am, Changeless.

I am grateful for the men who stroked their fingertips along my hairy legs and had a look of awe in their eyes. I am grateful for the men I met throughout my travels who adored me as I ran naked and wild, with twigs and pines tangled in my hair… the men who danced with me, who met me at my wildness. You know who you are and I love you.

I have experienced both celibacy and promiscuity over and over again and I have come to see how both are meaningless. It's the feeling behind everything you find yourself thinking/doing that has an impact, and why not have fun by agreeing with everyone? Everyone’s perception is 100% right for the sole reason that it’s a perception, not reality!

As I was laying there, there were red Christmas lights above me creating the perfect glow… I also got glittered up with make up so I felt like a little girl. There were wine glasses and candles in the background. Luke tasted like vodka/wine and something about that really turned me on. It reminded me of rebelliousness. I’ve always been drawn to that feeling. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted and the exact spots to grab me, roughly.

I got this vibe of being at my old house, on the balcony with my family, slight chill in the air, mixed with humidity. Smiles, effortless smiles.

This body will disintegrate into the nothingness from which it came, but what will always remain is the Awareness of that which I Am.

Any moment I’ve felt upset, the first instinct I have is to walk. Other times, it’s to run. Something about the sound and feeling of my footsteps on gravel, dirt, grass, snow and lava reminds me of the strength I hold. Strength of love, not of body.

I love you, Jesus.
Thank you for all that you have revealed to me.

Moral of the story, that was a great way to be introduced to someone’s family because all of the pressure of it was gone and I felt free to embody who I am in this moment—my hairy legs, lingerie outfit wearing hippie self!

I wonder if I can experience God and innocence, even as I’m playing out the role of being a slut.

However, he literally had packed up his entire hale and was heading out to Maui or Alaska. He said he had to because he was so in love with me that it would tear him up inside if he saw me walking around every day.
He said, “You’re the only girl who would make me stay… And you’re the only girl who would make me leave.”

And it feels like I’m opening up to a new relationship and I’m kissing someone new when just recently I thought it was going to be absolutely impossible for me to relate with anyone ever again. Here I am, experiencing love with a man again. I can see more clearly this time around. Anytime I feel like projecting, I go within now… not every time, but I’m learning as the moons come and go.

That feeling of running away came over me and I just found myself moving, however this time, it felt like I was running towards God, instead of running towards my own judgments.

He built two beautiful fires for me and the bath was so divine. He boiled water on the stove and put epsom salt in there along with lavender essential oils and sunflower petals. He lit the area with candles and surrounded it with palm fronds. When we got undressed and got in, he chopped us two coconuts.

Experiencing celibacy has come to show me how absolutely meaningless sex really is, nor is it something that needs to be glorified. It is just neutral.

I curiously ask myself, Am I trying to avoid some sort of feeling by using something or someone as an idol?

I felt Hope’s experience where she found herself digging her toes into the ground, trying to cling to this world, as if it had some sort of substance to it.

He often puts his hand on my lower back. I feel like a virgin since I haven’t had sex in six months.

Trying to get your body to look a certain way is a complete distraction for what the body is actually meant for. The body is a means for communication. Our minds attract ONLY for the purpose of healing. Thinking that our bodies attract for sex, food, or income is just another distraction attempting to cover up our true purpose. Our sole desire is allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us as we remind our brothers and sisters of our true Home.

Lui found a GIANT squash and he had a brilliant idea of making it look like I have a baby, so we wrapped it up in his jacket and got a ride in seconds.

I can see how my ego wants to believe that when sadness comes up, it’s justified by something in the world, but God reveals to me time and time again that that’s simply not true.

HO’OMANAWANUI: To have patience.

I think about the PCT almost every day and how I want to re-experience it and actually take my time backpacking.

Trying to get your body to look a certain way is a complete distraction for what the body is actually meant for. The body is a means for communication. Our minds attract ONLY for the purpose of healing. Thinking that our bodies attract for sex, food, or income is just another distraction attempting to cover up our true purpose. Our sole desire is allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us as we remind our brothers and sisters of our true Home.

They encouraged me to have faith and reminded me that it took at least a year for every vendor to get the hang of it and to raise the vibration of their aura to be confident in marketing.
One woman came up to my table and said, “See that woman over there?”
“Yes.” Her booth was huge and professional.
She continued, “Well, she was in the exact same spot as you were; upset and wondering what she was doing wrong... so you’re on the right track.”

An upset feeling is caused by something we set up (in the world). We set up the stage with all of the characters. We prop them up to trigger a feeling reaction in us, all for the purpose of seeing through the illusion completely! Beneath the surface is the real world. Love, peace, home—a place we never left!

Be gentle and remember that they are you, calling out for love. This is what it means to guide your brothers home.

Through her, I learned a lot about what it means to love. She didn’t even have to speak a word for me to learn through her presence, to understand more deeply the power of Love.

I thought about the movie Inception and felt upset that I didn’t have an object to remind me that I was in fact dreaming, and so I closed my eyes, took a breath and whispered to Simas, “I just know that it’s a dream… I know it seems really really real, but something inside of me is telling me not to be afraid, because nothing is really happening. We are only dreaming.”

Fields of lava surrounding me, pathways of sharp red cinder and wispy pine trees flowing in the wind. And on the other side, heaping mango trees providing shade for when I walk barefoot along the Red Road. An ancient forest kissed by large jungle leaves, vines coming down to my shoulders, covered with feisty fire ants. The purifying ocean only a couple of miles away, to visit for when I felt called to wash away my apparent hurts and perceptions of my past. Then, the unforgettable lighthouse a bike ride away for when I wanted to climb and feel the depths of the warm wind whispering to me, You are loved.

He told me how he wanted to marry me and that he was going to divorce his wife.
So, we made it to the beach and Jack chased after me. We went on the ledge because he was BEGGING to let him stuff my pussy. So, I spread my legs open and he fell in LOVE with my scent. I pulled him by the hair to get him off and then ran to the water.

He goes, “I’ve tried to recreate our moments with other girls and it’s not even close. It’s never the same. Our moments were unforgettable. I remember them so clearly.”
We got there and I got naked. He led me into the water. I love his hands. He looked at me with wonder. As we got all the way in, I caught him sneaking a peek at my naked breasts, so I smiled and wrapped my body around his and laughed.

He told me to wrap my legs and arms around him.
“Like this?” I asked.
He lifted me up and threw me onto the pillows and began to insert himself. I was moaning with my head falling back.
He smiled and said, “Hey, that's only the tip.”
I couldn’t believe it. I had to mentally relax my mind and body just to let him in. Slowly, he started pushing inch by inch, deeper and deeper.
His cock felt never ending, and when I thought it was finally all the way in, he goes, “So do you want it all the way in?”

Akim goes, “That’s similar with you and your jealousy. You’re continuing to fight this battle, and for what? Why? You don’t even know why you’re fighting.”

She went on to tell me how I’m too sensitive on this topic of guys and that she didn’t want me to have an expectation that they were good men because that would’ve ruined my life and I would’ve gone blaming her. I attempted to explain that the reason I’m sensitive to the topic is because I grew up learning that all men will cheat, and I need to accept that so I can be happy. And then to tell me that there’s only a really small percentage of men that are good made me feel as if I was not worthy enough to have that percentage.

How could I possibly believe that there was actually a guy in the world that only desired me and didn’t need to look elsewhere?

There was even a moment where I felt like I wanted to give up on the conversation and my dad picked up on it and said, “No, keep going. Keep explaining to me what’s hurting.”

I had a lot of moments where people were talking to me and I was thinking to myself that’s me. There’s nobody else here.

A few days ago, I asked Hope if I could hang out with her one on one and she said yes. She picked me up and brought me to her place. It was such a homey energy and family-like. She brought me to Aureliya’s cabin, her daughter, and we talked about relationships. I told her how I get bothered when Ivan looks at other girls, how it feels like a stab in the heart.

She reminded me that the only reason it hurts when he looks at other girls is because I think I need him.

“It’s not being awake in the nightmare, it’s being awake to the nightmare. For example, you can wake up in your dream, but it doesn’t mean you are out of it.”

He apologized a few times for pushing me and yelling at me. I told him there was no need to apologize because I deserved it. That pain I felt from him was a projection of the battle that has been going through my head. That’s all it was. The dream in my mind being played out on the so-called physical plane. I realized I didn’t need to suffer from a victim mentality and to rather see it for what it was-my own mind. I am whole. I am healed.

Today he became frustrated with me and asked, “Why does every day have to be a battle for you? Why can’t you just relax into life?”
I said, “I don’t think of it as a battle. I think of it as learning and growing. You have to keep in mind that I don’t think the way you do.”
I share everything with Ivan. My true, vulnerable thoughts and feelings from one extreme to the other, and sometimes, I don’t enjoy the space that it is being shared in.

I told him how often I find myself trying to be alone. Every time I feel negative emotions, and every time I experience fear, I say stuff such as, “I want to be alone” or “I need some time.” Then I’ll go on a walk and bring my diary along with my music. The longer I’m with myself, the more sane I feel. Maybe I’m meant to be alone…
What if no one is ever good enough?
What if I were to get into a new relationship and then later on I would want something ‘better’ down the line?
It’s a never ending quest.
I laughed at myself and said, “I don’t know what I want, Akim.”
With a smile, he said, “Well, sit with yourself long enough and maybe you’ll figure it out.”

With tears running down his face he says, “We have to undo everything we learned and were told was true.”
It was such an authentic fucking moment.
I felt human.
It felt intimate.
That was true intimacy–vulnerability.

We need to own up to our feelings instead of victimizing and blaming. I say, ‘poor me, unfair things happened to me,’ what I really mean is, ‘I’m addicted to receiving sympathy, therefore, I am creating situations constantly to receive sympathy.’ I didn’t realize how this also makes one completely oblivious to their own power. When you claim those things ‘happen’ to you, you are giving away your power of understanding that you are a CREATOR.

Sophia just smiled and said how sleeping around with other people when I’m in a relationship is my way of coping with it. “Keeping myself safe,” so to speak.

She smiled and said, “First of all, ask yourself, why are you dating someone that goes to strip clubs?”
She was telling me how I was putting meaning into my thoughts, and how it brought out my feelings.
“Be thankful for your feelings,” she said, “because they show you what your heart wants. Your feelings are showing you that your beliefs aren’t matching up with your heart.”

When we got to the warm ponds he said, “I don’t think I’m going swimming, I didn’t bring swim trunks.”
I smiled, looked in his eyes and said, “You’re cute. We’re going naked!”

We begged each other to keep all of this a secret, even though I very well know that no secret is unheard because all energy is heard.

She blew my mind with so many things that I had difficulty understanding. We talked a lot about how illusionary bodies were and to pay attention to the things I said. For instance, the term ‘we’ implied that there were others. Then, she crushed everything I ever knew about food. Just obliterated it. She said that everything in this world was a placebo effect, from food to essential oils to medicine.

The book has been teaching me so much. The main lesson I’ve been learning is that it’s important not to acknowledge fear in yourself or in others, because you are therefore reinforcing that the illusion exists and that it is real to you.

Crow gasped, “Did you hear that?!” A few seconds later, she looked at Leaf and whispered, “Do you believe in witches?”
And I’m over here thinking to myself, I’m tripping dicks… Do not tell me that there are witches running around.

“I’ve dreamt about guys like you,” I replied.
“Stop dreaming, and wake up!” he said with a wink.

I was praying for years to move back home and I’m beginning to realize that home is simply where I feel welcome.

This beautiful soul, Ivan, has taught me communication, acceptance, detachment and natural flow. At this moment, I appreciate being with this wild jungle boy. I am grateful to love without attachment, for love is eternal, unreserved, infinite and unconditional.

Was it that weird that I didn’t want to socialize? I truly wanted to be by myself. I felt guilty that I didn't want to be with my friends, but at the same time I didn’t want to feel forced into hanging out with people. Oh, I just need to take a breath. I have to accept that I can’t change what someone thinks and that it would be a waste of my own energy trying.

I had quite the journey on Saint Pedro. I was having an amazing trip, but Basil and Arrow kept freaking out because they couldn’t find their daughter, North. They started freaking out so intensely that most of the trip, they convinced themselves that the demons and evil spirits were attacking them. I honestly just couldn’t vibe with the entire situation. Lots of people at Cinderland believed in evil spirits/entities, but I just didn’t think those things truly existed. I felt that all there was is love and that we created our own reality, so if one thought there was negativity and evil spirits, that’s what they would manifest into their reality. Simple as that.