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My backpacking adventures have been slowly turning into an erotic sex novel. Which, honestly is fine. Sexual relating is a big part of my life & I own it, however I am desiring to follow Spirit guidance 100% of the time. I don’t want to have sex with men just out of boredom or for the writing of my book.
I broke up a relationship. It’s not even close to the first time I’ve apparently done this. I experience this sadistic habit of going for guys who are taken/unavailable. At the same time, I feel as though I attract the relationships that are already weak, I’m just the thing that happens to break it.
It doesn’t help that the Universe has been bringing me my biggest temptations. Every guy that I have ever fantasized about is being dropped directly onto my path without any doing of my own.
This one happened to be a super sexy firefighter who I met on trail & my mind went down a rabbit hole of fetishizing him. He gave me his number & later admitted to having a girlfriend & said he couldn’t go through with it. I said to him “I figured you did, just thought I sensed some rebellious energy… miscommunication”. That got him to fall for my trap. Much sexting later, his girl caught him & called me to tell me I was a b**** (& a few other things).
I am aware that people are easily manipulated with seduction (myself included)… & I do love the men who know how to play the game well & understand that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Yet, I often take it to extreme measures not realizing the apparent damage it can apparently cause.
I know it is selfish & I am only looking to satisfy my own lustful desires/kinks. I am attempting to understand why I am the way that I am & why I like the things that I like… but mainly, to love & forgive myself through these moments.
So, I desire to take a step back & slow down… to re-focus on my intentions & learn how to have fun with sex again… & most importantly, to write about my experiences purely from heart inspiration rather than trying to 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 the poetry in the experience.