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(Sensitive content) July 11, 2023:
I felt so alone in the world about the things that appeared to bother me. Last night, before going to bed, the movie American Beauty was playing. There was a scene where the guy was getting naked and I found myself looking away from the screen when he was about to take his shirt off. I noticed when I found myself into someone in my life, I didn’t want to look at other guys, especially in a more intimate setting. I was sitting on the edge of the couch, alone, and there was no one else in the room. I wondered to myself, I wonder if Voodoo would do the same for me in a situation like this.
Later, I found out he watched the movie The Shining when I was asleep. I remembered watching that back in the day and recalled the scene of the naked woman. I felt a pit in my stomach when I expressed to him the way my perception worked and how I was not into men who watched x-rated movies. To me, it was just the same as porn, whether it was in a movie or on an actual porn site.
It was weighing very heavy on my heart and it was something that was truly important to me. It seemed to bring well-being to my relationship when a man took a moment to feel into what I was feeling and understood why I was experiencing mental pain. But, instead, I felt alone and misunderstood and he did a great job at confirming that.
“That is so unrealistic,” he said, “do you know how many tits there are in movies?!”
I honestly didn’t, because I was very picky about the movies I chose to take into my reality, but judging by the cover images and descriptions of most mainstream movies nowadays, I could only imagine.
“Okay, but you can still choose what you watch?” I said in a tone of this should be common sense.
He appeared so frustrated with me and I felt so frustrated with myself. I wished I could just be a “cool” and “chill” girl around these subjects, but I just wasn’t and it really seemed to really go against what my heart needed in order to feel safe in a relationship. It was moments like these that seemed to cause me to be unfaithful and want to go fuck other guys, rather than just making a recognition that it wasn’t the guy for me and parting ways.
The pattern arose again. He grew more aggressive and raised his voice at me. I could feel how badly he wanted to control himself, but couldn’t. I didn’t feel scared this time when he grew loud or started handling me with more aggression. I asked him to calm down before he continued talking to me because I wasn’t going to put up with it, nor did I feel open to talking to him in that state.
I felt so sad because I felt there was a constant miscommunication between us. It felt he wasn’t understanding what I was feeling or as if he just didn’t want to take the time of day to understand. I had a spark in my mind that told me I deserved the type of relationship my heart desired even if it didn’t make sense to those on the outside. Even though there was a man standing in front of me telling me that no one would ever meet my standards, I internally and deeply knew that I deserved only the best (whatever that meant to me).
In the midst of all that, I could feel Spirit gently whispering to me, “Fear not, my child. Let not your heart be weary, for the Truth is already here. The past is already written and over.”
I communicated that I could just feel what kind of love existed and how I had witnessed it numerous times in other relationships, yet my faith seemed to waver the more I hung around Voodoo. It was clear to me that the feeling of doubt was stronger than my faith for a man to show up in a way that felt worthy to me. And so, I would keep bringing about what I felt undeserving of, because in this world, the feelings that felt stronger would be the ones that would inevitably manifest.
He kept yelling at me to shut up, saying that I talked too much. It was amazing the strength I held in these situations. When I didn’t speak a word, I was being told off for being too quiet. When I stuck up for myself and my apparent boundaries, I was told I talked too much and that I needed to shut up. I couldn’t win.
Eventually, I broke when he started mocking my voice again. I started crying heavily and it felt like he ‘got me’ right where it hurt. I just wanted to not feel the pain anymore. I just wanted silence and calmness. So, I grabbed at his cock and started kissing him. I began feeling him up as tears were rolling from the corners of my eyes. He told me to stop crying because it was weird for him. So, I wiped them off into his shirt and tried my hardest to hold it in as he fucked me, but I still found myself crying in secret, letting the tears soak into his shoulders, instead.
As he was fucking me deeply, he told me how much he loved me.
“Let’s not talk right now,” I whispered.
I focused on how he felt inside of me. The deeper he went, the less I felt. Within a few moments, I ceased to follow the thoughts that were bringing about so much pain.
“Are you enjoying it?” he asked.
I didn’t want it to end.
“It’s a good distraction,” I said.
Afterwards, I put my clothes on and suddenly, I became all chipper, mainly because I was “over it”. I was over communicating my feelings if it seemed to get us here everytime. I would rather just hold it in and move on with my day.
Sherpa Mike wanted to take us to Sabbaday Falls, so I got all packed up for the day. Voodoo couldn’t believe I was so happy all of a sudden.
“You’re making me act crazy, Freyja,” he said, “was that your way of apologizing and admitting that you were acting crazy?”
A fire burned inside of me. A deep subconscious hatred for men and their incapability to understand a woman’s needs even when she clearly communicated them.
“No,” I said, “I wasn’t acting crazy. I still stand by what I said.”
“But you’re over it now? You’re happy just like that? You seduced me into having sex with you and now you’re good?”
“Or, I’m a good actress,” I said as I winked and walked out the door. A subconscious game I still played. It seemed I got that from my mother—just slapping on a happy face because in the moment it felt easier than showing the true misery that was present there.
Voodoo followed me out and said he no longer wanted to come out with me after stating that.
“If you’re just going to ‘act’ happy, I want no part in that,” he voiced.
I could care less whether or not he wanted to come anymore. In fact, I thought it would be nice to get some space. But still, he came with. At the falls, he held me close and again, apologized for yelling at me. I acted like the perfect girl—passive, not making any waves. I smiled and held his hand, keeping my mouth shut from any dialogue. But, he could read between the lines and said it was scaring him that I was able to just snap out of it when just moments ago I was curled up in a ball unable to stop bawling. For me, it felt uncomfortable that I was still playing such games, such as acting fine when in reality my heart felt like it was being grated into shreds.
Afterwards, Sherpa Mike drove us to North Conway and dropped us off at the coffee shop. While we were waiting for our drinks, Voodoo fucked me in the bathroom and got momentarily upset that I squirted all over his shorts. It took too much energy to feel sad again. Why couldn’t he just laugh at the scenario with me like all the other guys did? Instead, I just felt turned off when the mood was ruined, so I put my pants back on. Sometimes, I wished someone could save me from myself, but I didn’t have the courage to speak up and ask for help. I knew that I looked dead inside from an outsider’s point of view. I knew that I could barely fake a smile anymore.
Sometimes I wished a stranger would say to me, “Blink once if you’re okay, blink twice if you’re not.”
After a short day of walking around, we got picked up and driven back home to Sherpa Mike’s place for the last night. I really wished I could’ve been myself around him, but I just felt so low energy and as if I just wanted to be somewhere out of my own head.
When I got the chance, I spoke to my tramily via the phone. Voodoo came to check on me after being out of the room for some time and told me to come back inside. I kept feeling as if my words and movements were being watched. It was the first time I was seeking out for help because it seemed I felt really stuck in my own experience.
I was picking up white feathers along the brim of the water as I expressed to them my fears and sorrows. My tramily pointed out how I kept saying he “didn’t allow me” to do certain things. I didn’t even catch that, myself.
It was as if it was a memory, who I was last year, so happy and having the time of my life with my tramily. Through hearing their voices, I remembered the laughs, smiles and heart to heart connections we shared. This year, it seemed I forgot who I was. There was barely even a tinge of inspiration left to hike. I just wanted to get it over with and call it for the summer. What a terrible feeling. What an awful way to hike a trail, especially for it being the completion of my triple crown.