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(Sensitive content) July 19-21 2023, 100 Mile Wilderness:
I appeared to be having an extremely difficult time hiking during my moon. We planned on road walking part of the 100 mile wilderness to get some open space to help me breathe since I felt like passing out.
As we were going over the map, a car happened to be approaching by on the dirt road and I joked, “Wanna hitch?” followed by, “just kidding, let’s walk, I’m just going to need to take a lot of breaks the next couple of days.”
Voodoo whipped his thumb out and hitched anyways, the pickup truck coming to a stop.
I laughed and thought to myself, Welp, it’s part of the adventure!
So, we hopped in the back. I assumed the guy was going in the direction that we were planning on road walking, but he was actually going all the way into Millinocket. For a moment, I experienced annoyance with myself for being so close to the finish line, but then getting off on trail where it was notoriously known for not having a way out. But, my mind relaxed when I felt what it would feel like to lay in a bed in a room with the AC on during the heaviest days of my moon and it was clear that was what I needed in the moment.
We booked a room and got cozy. During my moon, I especially needed extra care and attention when I was with a loved one. I expressed to Voodoo that I felt I needed more kisses, physical touches and eye contact, yet anytime I voiced that, he seemed to pull away.
“You ask for too much,” he said.
“I really don’t,” I said, “in the end, I just want you. I just want your attention. For you to hold me and caress me, to look me in the eyes and not feel like I have to beg for that.”
He stared at me blankly. Tears welled up in my eyes, feeling like he was unreachable. I grabbed his hands and put them on my body to show him how I wanted to be touched.
Then, my voice quivered and I cried, “I just want to be held by you and feel that you want me and appreciate me.”
As soon as I said that, he physically and emotionally backed away and started talking about something else.
In disbelief, I asked, “What the fuck just happened?”
“I’m trying to talk,” he said as he moved to the other side of the room and sat on the couch.
“Yes,” I said, “me, too. But I need to be close to you when we’re having these conversations. I need for you to hold me because it feels very vulnerable for me and it helps me feel that you’re present with me. It shows that you care about me.”
“I’m not some sort of soft mother fucker,” he said.
I let out a breath of despair. Everything just felt so forced.
What’s the point? I asked myself.
The rest of the day was met with silence and avoidance, on both ends. But upon going to bed, it seemed like the emotions had lingered down and so we began kissing. We used to hold eye contact while doing so, but now he seemed to do anything but that. I watched as we were tongue deep in each others mouth, waiting a good 20 seconds for him to just look at me once, all the while he had his eyes veered off to the side and glued to the TV. I lost track of how many times he had done that with me.
I snapped, “I just don’t understand. How hard is it for you to just be present with my mind and body? This is an extremely intimate moment and you’re not even here with me,” I backed off and continued, “it’s just weird that you’re making out with me while watching some other chick on the TV. How do you think that would make me feel?”
When I was in that intimate space with him, I wanted him to be there with me despite distractions. Simply not looking at the TV while making out with me would’ve been enough. It wasn’t anything new—we had had several distractions in the past, especially because we were both exhibitionists and loved having sneaky sex around people, yet he had always made me feel that all he could focus on was me.
“If you’re not present, just tell me and we can finish later, instead of doing this weird shit where you’re not even here with me,” I said.
I flipped because it seemed when he wanted to have sex, I was always ready for him no matter what, but it didn’t seem it was the same case with him and so that resentment pattern would come up again. I kept thinking how none of this would have happened if he just gave me the freedom to go roam around and fuck other guys.
I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I just felt like I was going absolutely crazy in my own mind. We put old school cartoons on to watch because earlier I had said that would be nice. I also felt it was the only thing on TV that wasn’t hyper-sexualized, so that seemed to help relax me a little bit more. As I cuddled up close to him, my body grew fuzzy and I just wanted to be close to him again. It hurt too much to feel so far away from him, so I made a move on him to which he responded by telling me to “calm down”.
And there it was. Convinced I was being too much again. Self conscious that my energy and space felt overwhelming, yet also feeling insecure when I felt I needed to “tone it down” so I wouldn’t overstep anyone’s boundaries. I felt like I just kept losing around him. No matter what I did or said, I seemed to always be doing it wrong or not good enough.
I turned over to my side and screamed as loud as I could into my pillow, feeling so much anger for receiving a lack of affection from the person I wanted it from the most.