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July 24 2023, ME Route 15 to Bald Mountain Brook Lean-to:
All day I thought of Voodoo. It was Pink’s birthday today, but I felt so down that it was hard for me to be there for him. It was difficult for me to snap out of it. I was so happy I had the trail to come back to and walk it off, so to speak. Pink walked me to the road while he played his harmonica for me one last time, then I hitched on out.
I felt inspired to connect the majority of the dots that I had skipped. So, I started at ME Route 15 and walked alongside the river with a gentle elevation gain. There were lots of roots, pine needles and rocks, but I was happy there wasn’t that much mud.
I took the time to appreciate the small things around me, such as feathers to mushrooms to colorful leaves. I saw some tadpoles swimming around in the water and wanted to catch them, but decided to let them be and, instead, observe.
It felt interesting to see how fast I hiked when I was alone. I didn’t know what it was, but when I was with Voodoo, I became so sluggish and too lazy to hike. It felt as if I wasn’t experiencing the trail in a way I desired, therefore, my heart was not in it. I remembered how much I wanted solitude time, yet he was always nearby, so it never felt like I was truly alone. I felt as if that made me resentful towards him.
But today, I felt myself slowly creeping back into motivation. I felt in the zone and present with my surroundings. I felt inspired by my environment and it felt easy to push big miles again. I even found myself inspired to take more pictures.
I took a break at one of the shelters and was going to call it a day, but I felt restless. I felt the drive to continue hiking as I felt I needed to burn off more energy and so I pushed on.
All of the emotions were still so fresh. I could still smell him and I could still hear his laugh. Sometimes, I felt the pain I experienced was worth the trade off for amazing sex. I think he knew that, too.
As I was hiking up Moxie Bald Mountain, I had a memory of something Voodoo apparently did and I was able to actually feel it rather than be numb to it. I broke down in tears, crying loudly, which was something I never did. It reminded me of my purge on ayahuasca and how it took me several hours before I was even able to vomit.
Similar to that, I played out stories, thoughts and memories as I watched the way I struggled to bring myself back into the present moment. And then it hit me. Something told me it was only the beginning of understanding everything that apparently occurred with Voodoo and how much mental pain I was actually in without ever even having realized it. Now came the time to feel through it all, along with the biggest lesson of all which was to forgive myself.
When I made it to the lean-to, I talked to a bunch of guys that were staying the night there, too. We all shared dinner and conversation.
When they asked my name, one of the guys said, “Wait, you’re Freyja?!”
After about half an hour of talking to each other, I realized that the guy I was talking to was named Vegas. He was one of my readers and we had been exchanging conversation through email ever since we started the AT! It was really cool meeting someone who was basically my pen pal. Then, he asked if I was still hiking with Voodoo, to which I nearly had a meltdown. I felt I would just die if I heard his name one more time. I figured I might as well get used to that question for the upcoming month since I would be hiking south and would be running into all of the people I knew.