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August 3 2023, Pinkham Notch Visitor to Stealth Site:
I started hitching in the morning, thinking about how much I would kill for a pizza. I never wanted to eat pizza that early, but today was the day. I got picked up by an older gentleman in a Mercedes named Daniel. He was a burley man who sported jean overalls on top of a colorful plaid shirt and had a dirty yellow bandana tied around his forehead. His overalls had paint stains and what looked like years of wear and tear embedded into it.
We hit it off from the bat. We both disagreed about vaccines, root canals and the dentist system in general. He also knew COVID was just a bunch of fear mongering bullshit to keep people in a sense of division. He was super into energy work and even knew about the healing properties of shungite! I rarely met people who knew what shungite was. He even had shades he wore to block off any funky energy from computer/phone screens and was super into crystals!
So, he bought me a pizza at Flatbread Company in Conway, then we went thrift shopping so he could buy himself some old school leather boots. I asked if he could drive me to the library and he said sure thing. As we were stopped at the intersection, his motorcycle buddy pulled up in the lane beside him.
“She’s awfully cute,” he said, directing the comment at me.
Daniel laughed at the synchronicity, then said, “She was hitchhiking and wanted to go to the library, so I picked her up.”
“Yeah, that’s what they all say!” his friend teased.
Last second, I asked if he could drive me to the trailhead instead so I could complete one more section. Without a worry, he dropped me off at Pinkham Notch, we took a picture and I began my ascent up Wildcat. I became winded by the steepness of the climb, which, was basically rock climbing. I stealth camped a few miles in and set up camp in a pretty exposed area. I’m glad I still had a little bit of tree coverage for protection because it was extremely windy and the rain just started coming in.
As I was laying in my tent, I started going back and reading some past journal entries I had written about Voodoo, closer to the time when we first met. I kept thinking to myself what a silly girl I was. I had physically written out all of the patterns and red flags. Everything was out in the open and clear as day, yet somehow I was still blinded. Everything seemed so blatantly obvious when I looked back on it, yet at the time, I felt so stuck. I felt I convinced myself I was addicted to the mental pain and I would just stay and put myself through things until I absolutely couldn’t anymore.
It was as if I was symbolically punching myself in the face over and over again by allowing someone to be in my space and apparently do/say things that seemed to really bother me. But by my allowing it, I was energetically telling him that it was okay and that I could tolerate it. After all these years of saying I would never put up with even a quarter of the stuff I experienced with Voodoo, there I was, putting up with it. Truly humbling.
I remember thinking to myself, Maybe if I loved him hard enough or became softer in my expression, then maybe he would snap out of his mental pain. Maybe then he would be able to love me in the way I wanted him to.
I was very mistaken in my thinking. If anything, I was acting out an energy of compliancy, not submission. I genuinely loved submitting to a man, but that meant that my heart was in alignment with his lead, which it wasn’t in the slightest. I learned the same lesson again, except now, at a deeper level, that I was not capable of changing someone if they didn’t want to do the inner work to change themselves. To him, I was sure I was only coming across as white noise anytime I had the intention of changing him.