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(X-rated due to language) August 17 2023, Timberline Trail (Day 2):
I felt inspired to start early today so I hiked out when it was still dark. I didn’t recall having even done that once on the AT. Out on the west, it felt warm at 4am, the stars shined bright and it was inevitable that I would witness a stunning sunrise.
I walked through a burn area with my headlamp guiding the way. The trees appeared spooky as they leaned their eerie branches over the trail, their nakedness exposed in the black backdrop of the forest.
The sun began to rise and lift, slivering its rays through the clouds. Deep red and orange hues blanketed over the twinkling morning city lights. I waited for the sun to fully peak out over the mountain ranges and to burn through the heavy clouds, however I quickly felt a drop in air temperature and a rise in humidity, so I knew it was going to be a rainy/misty day.
For my break, I stopped in front of a wide, cascading waterfall. I was stunned with awe as it appeared to come out of nowhere when I turned the corner. Water tumbled down as it softened the edges of the black jagged rocks, covered deep in moss. Broken pieces of wood and debris were scattered at the base, yet everything felt in perfect place. The wild way of nature—untamed and unashamed of how it was—true art. Mist rose as the water roared; I sat and stared for quite some time at this meditative phenomena.
As I started walking, I saw a PCT blaze and got to reconnect with my beloved trail. It was really fun reconnecting to the spots I had once walked and seeing how much I had changed in my mentality over the years. Beyond the surface of what I appeared to be as the ever changing character ‘Goda’, in Eternity I was still the same—untouched by the passing of the world.
The initial reason I came to hike the PCT was to walk off the sex fiend in me, but instead what happened was I grew more comfortable with the way I appeared to be. Instead of hiding myself through clouds of guilt/shame and covering up the way I appeared to show up, I grew more comfortable in my skin and learned to be in full appreciation of the apparent habits I seemed to form. Within that, I was able to learn how to love myself through it rather than hold the perception that something was so terribly wrong with me that I had to try to get rid of it or pretend as if it didn’t exist.
It was as if my inner child was asking, Can you love me when I appear to be like this? Would you love me even when I act out like this? Will you hold my hand through this?
The Timberline trail seemed to stimulate all of my senses. I felt I was so receptive in seeing new ways of looking at things and found new doorways into my mind. I felt open to purging thoughts and letting more healing ones in.
There was a point when I was walking that I began to think about Voodoo, longing for him to finger me the way he once did, to feel him make me cum again, to—and then I tripped and ate shit, falling face first into the dirt. Immediately, it snapped me back into the present moment. I felt as if Spirit energetically lectured me, reminding me to focus on the Now.
A couple of miles before the lodge, it began to sprinkle rain ever so gently, refreshingly cleansing my space. Once I made it back to the lodge, I asked for the famous “Here’s Johnny” axe. I took a picture with it and then decided to get to hitching as it seemed it would be raining for the rest of the day. I was planning on heading towards Gresham to stay with one of my readers whom I hadn’t met yet.
The guy who picked me up had seen me walking through the parking lot earlier and was one of the employees at the lodge. As soon as I got in his car, I knew I would vibe with him. He had a really funny sense of humor and felt very comfortable in my presence. Somehow, we heavily got on the topic of sex. Turned out he was one of my kind, so I looked over at him with a spark of seduction in my eyes.
“Don’t you look into my soul like that,” he said, “I know the look you’re giving me. I can see right through you—you’re disguised as innocent, but you are anything about that.”
He asked where I was staying tonight and I told him I was going to stay with one of my readers and he got rubbed the wrong way and said no, then told me he was taking me to his home for the night. He reassured me that he had a girlfriend of six years and that she was a top of the line chef who would make me a fantastic home cooked meal. So, ‘plans’ quickly changed and I rolled with it.
We walked inside his house and he said, “Okay, let’s do it.”
“Yeah, let’s do it,” I repeated in a very slow, seductive tone.
He turned around and shook his head in disappointment as he lightly blushed. He was talking about getting the shower situated for me, but hey, a girl could dream.
After I showered, we both hung out in the kitchen. I leaned against the edge of the counter as he made me some coffee. We kept trying to steer the conversation away from sexual topics, but I could feel how we were both getting high off our blunt flirting. There seemed to be so much tension, even more so when he lent me his clothes to wear, knowing very well that his cock had touched the shorts I was wearing.
I could feel my pussy throb as I exuded sex through my mannerisms. In an attempt to control myself, I went to sit on the couch, but I lost it when he told me of the way he loved being in control in the bedroom—not even a little bit the other way around.
He said, “In the bedroom, it’s not ‘if’ you will like it, it’s you WILL like it.”
Then he said how his girl didn’t like much pain and I moaned, “Mm, I looove pain.”
Fuck, I was being energetically tortured around this man. I wanted a taste of him so bad. He looked like a tall viking man with reddish blonde curly hair. He also had thick body hair and I began to wonder if he had a full yummy bush to go along with it.
He let me know that he was really wanting to take his relationship seriously and that he was trying to be a good guy this time because he really liked her. He was just super excited to meet someone else who was ‘hyper-sexual’, as he liked to call it, and to be able to flirt with someone so casually without it leading anywhere.
I quickly dropped my act for I could energetically feel that he was going to stay faithful. Instead, I sat with him on the couch and looked through some of his books and played with his cats. He asked if I wanted music and I said I would love some! He threw on Lana Del Rey’s “Doin’ Time” and I looked at him as if he just read my mind.
“She’s my favorite artist!” I said.
“I know,” he said, looking at me as if surprised at me for being surprised.
So, I passed out for a few hours and his girl came home in the evening. She was a beautiful Ukrainian woman my age. She was built exactly like me and had a very sweet, loving voice. She ended up cooking us a delicious meal, with all of the vegetables I seemed to hate. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t a fan of vegetables, but oh my goodness, she made it taste so divine that I ended up eating three rounds of them.
We all sat on the couch and hung out. He teased us girls for how often we pointed out the cuteness of the cats. He was a big dog person and couldn’t understand our obsession.
He would say, “The cats’ just fucking laying there and you guys are freaking out as if they’re doing something so cool.”
To him, cats appeared emotionless and standoffish whereas dogs were much more welcoming. Still, I was much more drawn to cats and their energy. Their essence seemed nonchalant, independent and seductive.