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August 19, 2015:
I looked at myself and saw ALL of myself. All the things that I was and still am. Slut, emo, prep. I am still that girl. I’m made up of all my memories. Amazing.
I noticed how I went back to old habits when I was obsessing over this guy named Eddie back home. I was also flirting with Dean a lot because he reminded me so much of my ex except hotter. He has these seductive eyes, but he wants Katie. Katie has a separate boyfriend, though. And this Andrew kid wants me, too, but he’s Dean‘s friend.
I’m going to be tripping on Ayahuasca soon, either by myself, or with Amy and Vadim. I’m equally scared and excited. The only thing I’m scared about is thinking about two things that I really don’t want to think about: Eddie, the guy from back at home that I have been majorly crushing on and my fear of people puking. I’m not in a good mindset about both those things, but I know Ayahuasca will help me break those barriers.
Today in general was not a pleasant day for me. I came back from Hilo with Amy and she decided to have some chickpeas from the night before. Her stomach felt uneasy, so Jake gave her a little massage. I went to bed. I was just about to fall into a heavy sleep and I suddenly heard Amy coughing and spitting. I covered my ears because I assumed she was puking. It hurt closing my ears with so much pressure. I tried getting my phone so I could drown out any background noise with some beautiful music. The few seconds of taking my finger off my ear was absolutely dreadful. I ended up leaving to go to Vadim‘s and I told her I would get his help. I curled up in a ball. He went to help her and then gave me a massage to help me fall asleep. As I was about to fall asleep, I heard Amy come in, calling for Vadim. Then she puked again, and the feeling of fear spread like an energy wave throughout my body. I couldn’t fall asleep for the next couple of hours because I was paranoid of EACH noise, even the pitter patter of the rain. I called Vadim and he came over. He hugged me and asked what was wrong. My ears were still closed.
I tried holding back the tears and then I just cried on his shoulder as I blubbered, “I’m scared!”
He told me something happened in the past that made me feel scared and I knew exactly what it was, so I talked about it. It was nice to be held. Then, I tried going to the goddess dorm, but I was paranoid about where the puke was. I needed someone to talk to so I could fall asleep. I went by Ray’s camp because I saw his light on and I kid you not, he was puking as I was walking towards him! I turned around, panicking, so I went to the boys camp. I see Michael and I hear him coughing and I think to myself, What the fuck! I’m manifesting fear! But, he was only coughing. I told myself to chill. I ended up hanging out with him for a good hour.
Universe, why do I have to make myself the center of attention all the time? Why do I ‘have to’ get every guy? It’s like I make it a mission. If a guy begins to like a girl who isn’t me, I’ll step up my flirt game. And you know what I realized? I MANIFESTED every guy I fucked. I would vividly picture myself getting the guy and banging him and what do you know? It would actually happen.