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July 14, 2016:
I had quite the journey on Saint Pedro. I was having an amazing trip, but Basil and Arrow kept freaking out because they couldn’t find their daughter, North. They started freaking out so intensely that most of the trip, they convinced themselves that the demons and evil spirits were attacking them. I honestly just couldn’t vibe with the entire situation. Lots of people at Cinderland believed in evil spirits/entities, but I just didn’t think those things truly existed. I felt that all there was is love and that we created our own reality, so if one thought there was negativity and evil spirits, that’s what they would manifest into their reality. Simple as that.
So the trip was going great until I saw Ivan.
I was walking with him and I asked, “Hey, can I just hold you for a moment?”
He said “yes,” so we got to zen den and we laid in bed together. At this point, I was at the peak of my trip and I was sitting on top of him.
I smiled sweetly and said, “Hey, baby? Can we make love?”
“Right now?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said as I flirtatiously glided my hands along his abdomen.
He basically said not right now and started to say we could do it later at night. I started to kiss him and tried really hard to turn him on, but he was not having it. I tried harder. He sat up with me and I kept kissing him. I lifted up my shirt, he pulled it down. I lifted it again, he grabbed it with his teeth and pulled it back down. I was sensing my frustration.
I took it off completely, then he says, “I have to go help my brother, Arrow. Let’s not make love, bad timing.”
He pushed me off and rushed out of bed. He didn’t come back anytime soon.
As soon as he left, I felt my soul hold me. It held the little girl inside me and I just started to cry. I felt unloved and unworthy. I was feeling everything so strongly.
Then, I started getting angry, internally screaming. Every little thing about the situation was getting to me. I started jumping to conclusions. I wanted to end things with Ivan and just give up on the relationship altogether. In my head, I kept thinking, This is exactly why I don’t do relationships. Too much pain. Too much work.
Then, I started blaming him. I didn’t deserve that, I thought to myself, I need a guy who is as sexually active as me. Everything started building up. I was losing myself. The rest of the night I didn’t talk to Ivan, I couldn’t even look at him. Feelings of unworthiness swept over me. The main thoughts in my head were:

I’m unworthy of love.
He doesn’t even find me attractive because my body doesn’t fit his standards.
I don’t deserve love.
How can I heal the planet through unconditional love if I myself struggle at times?
Why me?

The thoughts were on repeat. I felt as though I was stuck in a thought loop. Throughout the night, I still couldn’t look at him. I had no desire. I went into the bed and he came and asked if I was going to bed. I said no and that I was reading. So, he went back to the couch. I started crying again and the thoughts crept back in. The St. Pedro was hitting some deep spots in my mind as I started recalling things that occurred in my childhood that made me feel unworthy.
I thought about Marija. Her name and energy kept coming up. It was painful, unsettling. I knew Arrow felt my energy because he was very empathic.
I heard him say, “I love you, Goda.”
Ivan followed with, “I love you, baby.”
I started silently weeping. I just wanted to be held by someone. It was a push and pull type energy in my mind. A part of me wanted to be held, but then my ego felt I was just seeking attention. Regardless, I got up. I wrapped myself in the blanket and snuggled into the couch. No words were said. I buried myself into the couch and just started to let everything out. Tears rolled down my face and in that moment, it felt eternal. The pain felt forever stained in my energy field.
Ivan and Arrow were holding space for me. Ivan kept trying to hold and caress me, but I kept pulling away from him, and leaned more towards Arrow. I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve to be loved by Ivan. I just couldn’t receive his love. It was too painful. I got up and Ivan followed. He asked if I wanted to talk to which I said no. He asked if I wanted to be held and cuddle, to which I shook my head no. I put on a dress and walked out.
Man, I just wanted to run away. I walked down cinder road and I looked at the moon and stars. My body collapsed and I wept once more. I felt helpless. I felt unworthy. I didn’t want to think about the core feeling of unworthiness and where it originated, but I knew it needed to be done. I walked back to zen den and sat back on the couch. Ivan was sitting in front of me and I felt embarrassed to even look at him. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and all the thoughts made me overthink.
I kept craving human touch because it was my love language. The reason I took it so personally was because it felt like my love got rejected. I felt restless, having to sit with those goddamn thoughts.
Then, I hopped into my bed, put my hands into my head and cried again. Ivan came by immediately. I gave him signs that I didn’t want to be by him, but deep down the only person I wanted to be by was him. So, we started talking and I opened up. I still didn’t have the courage to look him in the eyes, but here’s what I said:

“I feel unworthy of love. I don’t feel that I deserve it. It all started with this girl named Marija. We were really young and she was beautiful and we were best friends. She blossomed very quickly and all the guys were after her and nobody wanted anything to do with me. She was perfect and she could get any guy she wanted. Even all the guys that I really liked, as soon as I told her I liked them, she got with them. I felt ugly and unworthy and just overall undesirable and unloved. So, after my first relationship, I started getting around a lot to try to prove something to her and to myself. It was as though I was trying to revenge fuck all these guys and even though it gave me an artificial happiness, I found I still kept sleeping around. And now I found you and I’m just learning how to communicate. I’m so new to it. I’m telling you my deepest sorrows and it’s fucking terrifying. I’ve never done it before and I keep wanting to run away from you because I’m so used to doing that in my past. I’m not used to staying in a relationship. I’m used to giving up and not fighting through the struggles, and I feel embarrassed even mentioning this to you, that’s why I can’t look into your eyes. I feel ashamed of my sexuality, sometimes. It feels overwhelming that I’m more sexually active than you. I feel like it takes over so much of my life, sometimes. I always have the drive and it never goes away. I’m envious that you’re able to feel satisfied.”

I felt empowered to bring my fears to the surface. He told me to never feel ashamed for how strong I loved. It was crazy how the St. Pedro brought up things that I subconsciously forgot about.